First of all, my thanks to my colleague EJ, who saw the first half of this results show while my DVR was off galavanting around and shirking its responsibilities. That’s what I get for not listening to Tom and watching “LIIIIIVE!”
And now, after six hours of programming this season, the first results show begins. Samantha Harris’s dress has what appear to be vinyl straps running horizontally above and below her breasts. I’m not sure what’s going on, but Tim Gunn would be concerned about her level of taste (See-I was going to say I love this dress, despite the bondage overtones!–Myndi) Tom Bergeron tells us that more than twenty million people watched last night’s performance show. That’s more than you could wipe out with a pretty solid plague, although Tom chooses not to use this particular illustration.
There’s a brief recap of last night, as if the one hour of recap that just ended didn’t fill your recapping needs. (Says the recapper…) For some reason, Tom lies to us and tries to pretend that Shannon kicked off the night. I guess she kicked off the non-sucky portion of the night, so he has a point. Then we’re pretending that Marissa went next. In an interview, Marissa talks about how Len gets her. Then Tom reminds us of Monica’s unfortunate performance, and she tells America that dancing is fun. They lump Steve and Penn together as two guys who didn’t do very well. Kym illustrates how Penn’s feet are bigger than her head. Not just a little bit, either. After we see Bruno rip on Steve again, Steve tells us that he’s already a winner because of all the fun he’s having. You know, I always assumed he was sort of a jerk, and I’m not sure why. I think I was very upset when he walked away from the Police Academy series, and I’ve lived with the idea that he’s somehow arrogant and pushy. Whatever my lame childhood reasoning, I just can’t believe what a nice, happy guy he is. Guttenberg makes me happy! (Me too! He’s like sunshine on a stick, that man!–Myndi)
In their interview, Adam and Julianne appear to be talking about two different things, and he tells her she’s hot enough that she doesn’t need math. You know, like Barbie. Cristian is sweating like crazy and seems honestly spooked about his score. They lump Marlee and Priscilla together, because apparently it’s just as hard to be deaf as to be old (Just imagine being deaf and old!) I have all the respect in the world for Marlee, but when they’re interviewed, you hear (but not see) her male translator. For just a second, it looks like Fabian’s a ventriloquist. (Don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.) Priscilla freaks me out with her face, and I can’t tell what she’s talking about. Mario blows a kiss to Carrie-Ann in his interview, and Karina pushes him off the interview bench. Jason and Edyta talk about how much he wants to stay in the competition. Kristi says that she had fun “shaking it”. When you get all 9’s, you don’t have to have anything to say.
The judges pick Jason and Edyta’s mambo as the encore dance. His footwork is sloppier at the beginning, but his arms are better throughout than on last night’s show. Other than that, re-read last night’s recap, and you’ll get the idea.
Tom and Samantha show us the men’s scores, along with more clips from their dances. Notably, Cheryl seems nervous and tells Cristian they need the votes. Keep in mind, they placed third among the men. Cheryl actually seems really edgy all night. She does not like the threat of elimination.
The men line up with their partners to find out who is safe. The first one saved by my (I mean, our) votes is Steve Guttenberg! Tom actually says “Wow!” before he reads the results. Aww, I think Tom and Steve are buddies.
The Jonas Brothers perform “Take on Me”. Yes, that “Take on Me”. Jonathan, Anna, Tony, and Edyta dance, but the cameras are mostly on those Jonas boys, about whom I know absolutely nothing. I’ll let Myndi fill in supporting details. This is the kind of stuff she knows. (I assume there are many high-pitched squeals from the tween girls in the audience. I am surprised that they aren’t doing two originals, since it’s not like the 55+ portion of the audience will be any more familiar with this song than their actual hit record, “S.O.S” What? It’s damn catchy! And, yes, they are actual brothers.–Myndi)
Samantha’s backstage with the men. Steve is happy and promises to work hard, and he could not be more excited. Did he survive a shark attack or something? The other guys talk about how much they love Steve. Adam mentions that one of the Jonas Brothers has bigger eyebrows than he does, which is sort of true. He also says that Guttenberg is dead to him, because Adam does not like to stop talking.
Back from the commercial, Tom points out some people from Oprah’s Big Give in the audience, but not Oprah. Why don’t stars of ABC shows that I like ever show up in the audience. Tell me you don’t want to see Locke and Benry hanging out in the front row. With very little buildup and even less surprise, Tom reveals that Jason is safe. Has anybody ever been eliminated in a week when they did the encore performance? Maybe Sabrina last season? Samantha announces that Mario is also safe. Again, not exactly a surprise.
It’s Filler Time! Various Stars explain that they don’t want to be the first one eliminated. Marissa explains that “double elimination means that double the people go home”. Thanks for the insight, dear. We see a clip where it looks like Shannon Elizabeth is crying. Steve claims that he’s skipping meals so that he can dance. Basically, everybody wants to stay on the show. We’ve got weeks of filler people, embrace it! When I, your female recapper, join the broadcast and stop cursing technology, we are down to a mildly surprising bottom two men consisting of Penn & Kym and Cristian & Cheryl. Tom assures us that these are not necessarily the actual bottom two. Things are all the more muddled due to the atypical male/female division this week.
