A Beautiful Gory Display: Gotham’s Least Wanted (Jul 18)

10. The Actuary
This guy’s only appeared once, and I can’t even find a picture of him on the Internet. He’s basically the Penguin’s accountant. He wouldn’t even count, except that he has a villain name. Sort of. Please note that he’s not “an” actuary, which would describe his job. Nope, he’s “The Actuary”, which means he actually thinks of himself as a super-villain, and that’s just sad.

9. Kite Man
This villain from the 60’s has what we call a limited premise. He uses, well, kites. To commit crimes. He’s the only villain who can be defeated by a strong headwind, basically. And if you’ll notice, not only does he have a kite on his back, but he wears a pink outfit. His one good point is that he’s a kite-themed villain whose real name is Charles Brown. That didn’t help when the Joker dropped him off a building, however.

8. Egghead
Created for the Adam West series, and never appearing anywhere else, ever, Egghead was played by Vincent Price. And he was played with such gusto that you imagine Adam West saying “Dude, dial it down a little.” Egghead’s “brain was too big for his head”, even though it wasn’t visibly protruding or anything. He also loved eggs, and anything that had the word ‘egg’ in it. You know how many threatening things you can do with eggs? Exactly none. And his cholesterol had to have been through the roof…

7. Crazy Quilt
Since he first appeared in the 1940’s, Crazy Quilt is technically part of The Greatest Generation. Don’t tell Brokaw. OK, he started as a painter who was also the leader of a gang criminal, who would hide clues for his gang in his paintings, instead of just calling them and telling them what to do. After getting shot in the face, he is forced to wear a helmet that lets him see, but only in blinding and disorienting colors. (Remember, your grandfather read comics featuring this guy.) After a couple of beatdowns, he decided to focus his aggression on Robin, who at the time was portrayed as a 12-year old. And still, he got beat like a gong.

6. Louie the Lilac
What can you say about a flower-themed villain played by Milton Berle? Only that the end result is even more unbearable than you e xpect.

5. Orca the Whale Woman
The villain so stupid that after her first storyline, the writer who created her was fired from the Batman series. She started as a marine biologist. An evil marine biologist. She naturally combined her own DNA with whale chromosomes. Frankly, if you’re any kind of biologist in Gotham City, you’re pretty much required to inject yourself with the genetic material of whichever animal you study. You won’t get tenure without turning yourself into some sort of manimal… Anyway, once she became something half-whale and half-woman, the natural next step was to become a jewel thief. Not long ago, Two-Face killed her, and nobody cared.

4. Sewer King
As much as it hurts to criticize the fantastic Batman: The Animated Series, the Sewer King is just sad. He lived in the sewers, where he trained orphans to steal things. So, you know, he was basically Fagin. Only he lived in poo. Care to guess how much of a fight he gave Batman? None at all. Turns out, a sewer-dwelling guy who picks on kids and has no depth perception is not a great hand-to-hand combatant. He was so lame that his only appearance in the comic books was as a corpse. That’s right, he moved from animation to comics for the express purpose of getting murdered off-panel.

3. KGBeast
In all fairness, the KGBeast first appeared in the late 80’s, when we were all really scared of the Russians, and we didn’t realize yet that they had to wait in line for up to three months to buy bread and/or toilet paper. The guy’s a product of his times: In his first appearance, he came to America to assassinate Reagan and cripple the Star Wars program. It’s a miracle he didn’t also smash a Rubik’s Cube and strangle ALF with a pair of parachute pants. And he did chop his own hand off to avoid capture and then had a gun permanently mounted to his stump, which you have to admit is pretty brutal. Really, he’s only on his list because of the terrible name and his Boris Badenov-style dialogue. “You will be dying now, yes?”

2. Santa Klaus
I actually like this character. Only appearing twice, he’s a once-kindly German immigrant who plays Santa Claus. When he gains the ability to read minds, he realizes that everybody is naughty, so he leaves coal in their stockings. Or, alternatively, murders them with an axe. He was never meant as a major adversary, and really only appears as a plot complication. You know, Batman’s trying to deal with a massive jailbreak, and also, there’s a guy who dresses like Santa Claus decapitating people. Mostly providing atmospheric creepiness, he doesn’t really put up much of a fight. Like I say, he’s not a bad character, but can you picture Christopher Nolan putting a murderous Santa Claus into his next movie? Hell, Tim Burton would have thought twice! He still would have done it, and probably tossed in a bunch of drunk midgets for comedy relief, but at least he would have thought twice.

1. Catwoman
Sorry, Selina Kyle, Halle Berry killed your chances of returning to the Batman franchise. Yes, you’ve got a distinguished career as a major part of the Bat-mythos. Yes, you’re a compelling character with instant visual appeal. Yes, you’re probably only second to Joker in terms of name recognition. But, well, Halle Berry. A movie with a scantily clad Halle Berry lost 60 million dollars! It’s a little known fact, but after making this movie, the Academy took back her Oscar, replacing it with a replica made of beef jerky that had been painted gold. Thanks to her solo movie, “Catwoman” is almost as big of a Hollywood punchline as “Tom Cruise playing a German”. Nothing personal, Selina.

And then, of course, there’s the Batman villain so terrifying nobody would ever consider using him in a movie. It would be like staring evil in the face, and none can survive such an experience. Of course I’m referring to Joel Schumacher (shudder). Nobody would ever let him near a Batman movie, right? RIGHT?!?