It’s Valentine’s Day, and we’re all thinking about love. Of course some of us are lonely and bitter, and we’re doing whatever we can to not think about you happy people and your relationships. Frankly, you disgust us.
I think it’s a good idea to take a look at some of spunkybean’s favorite couples. Sure, we love Jim and Pam, Luke and Lorelai, Nick and Mallory, Beecher and Keller, Kate and Sawyer, and all the rest. But what about some of the less prominent relationships? Failed relationships, doomed relationships, and the just plain weird relationships? We’d like to turn the spotlight on a few of these pairings.
Seymour Skinner and Edna Krabappel
The Simpsons
The easiest women in Springfield and the original 40-year-old virgin. They first hooked up in a playhouse at Martin’s birthday party, and their love affair eventually scandalized all of Springfield. Finally, Principal Skinner’s reluctance to commit drove Edna into the flabby arms of Comic Book Guy. Even a last-minute proposal couldn’t save their relationship. Sure, they’ve been seen together in recent years, but it just isn’t the same.
Jim Dangle and Teri Weigel
Reno 911!
Sure, this doesn’t seem like an ideal relationship, with her being clinically insane and him being gay. Still, they’ve had a weird flirtation ever since the first episode, occasionally even venturing into the physical realm. Whenever it happens, it’s creepy and it seems to unsettle them just as badly as the viewers.
Sol Starr and Trixie
Deadwood
He’s an accountant and hardware store owner, she’s a prostitute. He’s the only person who’s ever treated her with kindness in her life, she keeps going back to the cruel Al Swearengen. She’s openly critical and occasionally just spiteful. And still, whenever they share a scene, there’s a weird sweetness to their interaction. Sadly, Deadwood was cancelled before their story was resolved, but I like to think they ended up happy.
The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend
The Venture Bros.
This largely ineffectual evil genius is dating above his level, and he knows it. Sure, she has man’s voice, but Dr. Girlfriend is still hot. When his obsession with Dr. Venture drove her away, she found love with the Phantom Limb, and he spiraled into depression. Of course, betrayal and villainy can never really kill the romance, and these two were reunited, just in time for their wedding to be completely disrupted by the Limb and his cohorts. Luckily, with the help of their own archenemies and David Bowie, love prevailed.
Piers Morgan and Lennox Lewis
Celebrity Apprentice
A man crush at its finest! The jury’s out as to whether Piers is taking this show too seriously or whether he’s putting on an act, but the one thing we can agree on is his unrequited love for the heavyweight champ. In six episodes, he’s tried to talk Lennox out of his clothes on two occasions. He sits as close to Lennox as possible, clapping him on the back and front whenever they win a task. Best of all, whenever the rest of Hydra wears sunglasses to the morning meetings, these two do not. Here’s how I imagine it happens:
PIERS: Lennox, we’re all wearing sunglasses today.
LENNOX: I don’t like sunglasses.
PIERS: Sunglasses are stupid! (Tears off his own glasses, hurls them ineffectually toward the trash.)
Christian Troy and Kimber Henry
Nip/Tuck
A successful plastic surgeon picked up an aspiring model in a bar. He destroyed her self esteem for fun. She went into porn and came back to him as one of the hottest actresses in the business. A serial killer kidnapped her on their wedding day and tortured her. Eventually, she fell into Scientology and married Christian’s biological son. After having his baby, the whole family got hooked on crystal meth. Now, Kimber’s living with a porn producer and Christian is raising his own son and ruining his life, but these two aren’t done yet. Not by a long shot.
Brisco County, Jr. and Dixie Cousins
The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.
These two actually had a really sweet relationship, even if Brisco’s quest for justice kept coming between them. Of course, she’d been involved with at least two of the men who killed Brisco’s father. It’s best not to think about that.
George-Michael and Maebe
Arrested Development
Possibly my favorite relationship on television. Poor George-Michael Bluth had a crush on his cousin. Then he found out that she might be adopted. After a kiss, the two avoided each other for a long time, and then they were accidentally married. The “related or not” question lingered right up to the end of the series. When last we saw them, the Bluths found out that Maebe’s mother had been adopted, so George-Michael was in the clear. Of course, with a movie on the horizon, I doubt we’ve seen the last of these two and their sweet, sweet awkwardness.
In a better world, these couples all found their own happiness.
Happy Valentine’s Day from spunkybean!
