Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 6 (Apr 13)
Trump meets the ducklings at the Paley Center. There’s a weird moment where he winks at Annie, and they actually give it a tinkling bell sound effect. What the heck just happened? It’s a Hanna-Barbera cartoon all of a sudden. Any second now, somebody’s going to frantically run in place for several seconds before getting any forward momentum. Next, Trump slaughters syntax by asking “Jesse, do you miss the fact that Dennis isn’t here?” That fact is kind of hard to miss. I think Trump wonders if Jesse James misses Dennis, rather than missing the fact of his absence, but I can’t be sure of anything anymore. Anyway, Trump says that Rodman has decided to get some help. Since I haven’t heard about Dennis in rehab, I assume this didn’t materialize. (I think he was on Leno last week, and said something about some sort of outpatient thing, which, whatever. No way is in actual rehab.–Myndi)
Also, Melissa Rivers has a cast on one leg because she tripped during the last task and tore two ligaments. This doesn’t actually become important later on. What is important is that Trump is shuffling the teams. Inheriting KOTU’s legacy of suck are Clint Black, Herschel Walker, Joan Rivers, Khloe Kardashian, and Natalie Gulbis. The new Athena is comprised of Jesse, Melissa, T-Boz, Annie, and Brande Roderick. Brian McKnight is missing this task for a concert, so Trump will place him later. Damn, nobody cares enough to show up consistently, do they? (By the way, they just say he’s “away at a concert”. The assumption is that he’s the one performing, but he might just be off seeing Cheap Trick or something.) Trump claims to have “cut the cord” with regards to Joan and Melissa. Expect to see Melissa living in an alley, interviewing hobos with a microphone made of a broken bottle of Coors in the near future.
Donald Trump explains what media is, and then introduces two executives from All. You know, the detergent? They want each team to make a viral video advertising their product, All Small and Mighty. Yes, these are people who think that you will send e-mail with the subject line “OMG! This Detergent Video is Totally LOL!!!” The female half of the All braintrust looks a little like a pre-facelift Greta VanSusteren. Oh, cripes. Perez Hilton is going to help judge the videos. Can he take time out of his busy schedule of drawing white flakes on pictures of famous people?
Melissa Rivers volunteers to the Athena Project Manager. Joan volunteers Clint for KOTU. Hey, did you know Melissa has experience as a producer? Claudia Jordan just threw a numbered briefcase through her TV. Clint explains that he’s directed “12 or 15” music videos and wrote two unsold screenplays.
Oh. My. God. He has two screenplays? Could one of them possibly be Flint Brown: Bluetooth Cowboy? I did not know that he was writing scripts when I started joking about his vanity press novel. Last season, the Forbidden Love of Piers Morgan and Lennox Lewis actually became a plot point. This season, Clint really is a frustrated wordsmith. It’s like this show is trying to love me back.
In the Athena van, they try to brainstorm an idea. Jesse has an idea for something with Brande as a biker mama. Annie jumps in with the weirdly specific “Jesse James being bathed by midgets”. Jesse doesn’t care for that idea. Like, he’s really dismissive of it and just wants no part of it. Was he traumatized by midgets as a child? (By the way, there is much discussion in the episode of the correct terminology. I’m going to go with “midget” because it’s a more popular search term. That’s right, I’m a whore.)
In the KOTU van, Joan wants midgets coming out of the washing machine. They’re obsessed with midgets! Herschel suggests over the phone (because he too has a “prior engagement”) that they hang midgets out to dry. Clint finally cites what he calls an “old joke” about a couple who refers to sex as “doing the wash”. So the husband asks his wife if she wants to do the wash. She’s not ready. When she is ready, he explains that it was a small load, so he did it by hand. It’s funny because masturbation! Now, it’s important to remember that his joke only works if the husband is referring to actual laundry, but the wife is talking about sex. If you mess this up, it’s unsalvageable. Anyway, KOTU loves it, and they want to shoot it using a midget and a lingerie model.
Athena meets with Team All. They explain that their target audience is “women with children, not moms” and I am filled with a blinding hatred for them and their product. That’s the stupidest damn thing I’ve ever heard, and they suck. Melissa totally gets it, which just tells you how stupid that is. KOTU wonders how offensive they can get, which is never a good question to ask in a meeting.
At KOTU, Clint tells the laundry joke again, and it’s worth noting that every time he recounts it, he tells it slightly worse until it gets to be incomprehensible. It’s like watching Michael Scott tell a knock-knock joke. Also, Khloe thinks the guy in the joke uses All “as lube”. No, dummy! He’s actually doing the laundry! That’s the premise of the joke! But at this point, we’re already too far gone, and they’re working on an idea about a guy who masturbates in the laundry room.
Team All shows up at KOTU. Joan wonders about whether they can use a specific dirty word. Clint wonders about “a bias for or against little people”, and Greta asks “as in toddlers?” How exactly is All still in business? The executives are very specific that their product can not be used to bathe a person. This awkward meeting convinces everybody who’s not Clint that Clint’s idea is stupid.
The way everybody throws around the word “viral” makes me crazy. To me, viral marketing is something that’s not immediately apparent as marketing. Like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Lite-Brite promotion that shut down the city of Boston. Or some of the Internet content for Watchmen. They use “viral” to mean “something you e-mail”, which is also apparently what All thinks it means. It’s very irksome.
Joan pitches an alternate idea where she spits in Clint’s hamburger. Idea or foreshadowing? Clint keeps pushing his idea, and Joan suggests that the wife be a “big fat drag queen”. Clint jumps in to explain that his idea is brilliant and they should stick with it. Joan actually gets on her knees to beg him to change. (FLINT BROWN: “We’ve committed to a course of action. You can back out now if you want, but let me tell you one thing. We aren’t going to defeat the lesbian werewolves by changing our minds!”) Joan interviews about her frustration with Clint, which is going to happen a lot.
Annie shows the team the most popular viral videos, and how many hits anything with “midget” in the title gets. Well, sure. You also get a lot of hits for “upskirt” and, if my blog is any indication, “+Dr. Girlfriend +topless”, but that doesn’t make them a great idea for a detergent ad. Jesse is willing to appear in the video, but he doesn’t want to be bathed by midgets. He’s afraid of embarrassing the company. Finally, he agrees, but only if they’re wearing costumes that make them look like bottles of All. So the “bathed by midgets” wasn’t his objection. His problem was actually one of branding. So Annie calls a talent agent and asks for some midgets.
The director arrives at KOTU, and he and Clint start setting up shots, leaving the rest of the team behind. The ladies have been completely shut out, so they complain about Clint rather than coming up with something better. Everybody’s kind of at fault here. Joan is upset that the others won’t stand up to Clint. This bothers her as a feminist, but as a feminist you also have to be upset that your celebrity teammates are a woman who’s not actually that good at golfing but is popular because she models swimsuits, and a woman who’s best known for having a sister who blew a guy on camera. Anyway, Joan hates Clint so much right now.
At Athena, Jesse is happy to be working without drama. Don Jr. shows up to spy on them, and Melissa pitches the midget idea. Don Jr. looks a little offended and wonders if “women with children are big viewers of little people”. No, Don. You’re thinking of “moms”. They don’t watch midgets online. Women with children, however, can’t get enough! His distaste makes Brande think twice, but then the midgets show up. Two of them arrive, and one is this hilarious Goth midget. I mean, he’s actually wearing a Crow t-shirt, that’s how stereotypically Goth he is. And he’s angry, apparently that he’s being asked to play a midget. You know, if you’re a midget actor, that’s what you’re going to get. Midget roles. Unless you’re Peter Dinklage, you are going to get midget-specific parts. If that’s so offensive to you, then don’t become an actor. Don Jr. is really fascinated by midgets, by the way. He can’t stop staring.
KOTU’s midget actor arrives, and he is, well, hard to look at. Khloe explains that they hired him to be “the masturbator”, and for God’s sake, the joke is that he’s actually doing the laundry! When nobody on the team understands the basic premise of a joke, that’s a problem. I’m shocked that Joan isn’t stepping up to set them straight, but she might just be letting Clint hang himself. Clint creepily asks the midget if he is willing to be filmed in boxer shorts. Joan asks if he’s done “a little acting”, and nobody catches that particular slip. Oh, he’s had some tiny roles in some small productions.
It turns out, Daniel the Midget is the worst actor in the world. He can barely get his line out, let alone imply any innuendo. It’s horrible. It hurts to watch. So Clint has to fire the midget, which is painful and awkward. Only Clint acts like they got everything they need and he’s done for the day. Obviously, Daniel knows that isn’t true, so it’s just cringeworthy.
After the commercial, Trump recaps the episode for us. I still don’t get these segments. It’s like he’s the Crypt Keeper or something.
Annie calls in to Athena. She and T-Boz are off getting costume and props, but she still calls in to explain the Internet to Melissa. She actually has a really good point, that something that’s obviously a commercial isn’t really viral. Melissa patronizes her and sends her on her way. Athena also picked up a third midget along the way. They’re running scenes with Jesse, who is now having the time of his life. No kidding around, the midgets love Jesse.
At KOTU, the women are still trying to come up with another plan. Clint’s plan is to play the part of the little person himself. Well, that’s not exactly a stretch. Joan thinks the joke about “little” doesn’t work now. First, Clint Black is the size of an action figure, so that’s not a problem. Second, the joke has nothing to do with anything little. Man’s talking about laundry, wife thinks he’s talking about sex. That’s the joke! There are no midgets or masturbation in the joke! (These people are…not smart.–Myndi)
Clint’s acting isn’t great, and he keeps referring to it as “dirty laundry”. Well, of course it is. You wouldn’t do clean laundry! It’s actually funnier when they call it “doing the wash”, because it’s less specific and lends itself better to innuendo. Man, why can’t I be on this show? Other than not being a celebrity, of course. (C’mon, that’s not really an issue.–Myndi) Khloe talks at length about how she doesn’t get it, but that should not be unusual for her. One gets the feeling that Khloe needs special doors, lest she get confused by the knobs. Once again, Clint’s pretty impossible, but Joan’s solution is to shout at him from afar and ask questions that have readily apparent answers. Even if you have a valid point, asking “So you’re in the video now?” after watching him film a scene makes her look dim and takes away any credence her other points may have.
Finally, Joan starts yelling at him. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, and the perplexing thing is that the concept hasn’t changed one iota from the very beginning. If you’re still confused, that just means you’re not paying attention at all. It’s one thing to not like the idea (and she shouldn’t), but another thing to still need it explained after several hours. She’s coming off really badly here, even though she has a point. She takes her earrings off so she can hear better (hee!) and also announces their QVC item number (ha!). I just think she’s going about this all wrong and destroying any hope of teamwork.
After the commercials, KOTU’s actress arrives. Khloe says she’s not sure who the actress is supposed to be. Oh, for God’s sake! It is not that complicated of a premise. It’s about a guy and his wife. When an actress shows up, it’s safe to assume that she is playing the part of the wife! Khloe claims to feel “confused and useless”, which is really what they should just print onscreen whenever she appears. I can’t recap any more of KOTU complaining about not getting things. This isn’t a premise that has to be explained. It’s simple. It’s a terrible idea, but it is not confusing. The execution is bad, but that’s a whole separate issue. You laughed when he told the joke hours ago, you don’t get to claim that now you don’t get it and you never got it.
The much more functional Athena is dressing their midgets. Unfortunately, their costumes include yellow wigs, which creates an unpleasant Oompa-Loompa effect. One of the midgets assures T-Boz that the term “midget” is not offensive, while the Goth midget sulks. There are so many shots of him looking angry that it almost seems like they’re foreshadowing a killspree. They start shooting, and Jesse’s having a blast and hamming it up.
Herschel arrives at KOTU, in plenty of time to see the actress in her underwear. Khloe explains the commercial to Ivanka and Herschel. He seems to get it, right up until she says that they’re using laundry detergent for masturbation, and that throws him off. Well, or course it did. He didn’t jump to the same idiot conclusion that she did. But now, she’s spreading her stupidity like Chlamydia. Ivanka wonders how they do the bit without a midget, and I would love to hear how Khloe explained it that made it sound like one was necessary.
They start shooting the final scene, and man, their actress is crazy hot. She owes it to society to be walking around in her underwear all the time. Herschel hilariously refers to her bathrobe and underwear, respectively, as her “housecoat” and “skimpies”. He’s also confused that Clint is reading Trump’s book in bed, and there’s a box of Kleenex on the nightstand. OK, that does make it look like he was using the book for unseemly purposes. Although that’s probably what Trump himself does with it.
The next day in the KOTU van, Clint and Joan are still arguing without any real effect. Clint’s wearing a baseball cap, which seems weird. Herschel comes up with a pretty good idea about giving the people in the video their own thought bubbles, and if they execute it right, it could save this whole project. The only problem is, Joan immediately starts in with ideas that indicate the man is talking about sex. She should really understand how jokes work at this point in her career. See, I think what they should do is present this as being a vintage ad that they’ve hilariously updated with thought balloons. You know, pretend All Small and Mighty existed in the 70’s and they’re trying to salvage a dated campaign. Damn, I would rock on this show.
Athena works on editing their video, and Jesse says nice things about Melissa. Meanwhile in the KOTU editing bay, Clint has the look of a man who knows he’s about to eat a turd sandwich and can’t do anything about it. Joan and Herschel are just laughing about how much the ad sucks. Athena makes the weird decision to keep some swearing in their ad because “it’s viral”. Yeah. In what seems to be a pointless scene that will turn out to be (SPOILER ALERT) crucial, Melissa asks who’d be willing to come back to the Boardroom in the event they lose. T-Boz volunteers. Bum Ba BUM!
Time to screen the videos. Trump watches with the All executives, and they clearly hate the KOTU ad so badly that they’re having difficulty seeing straight. Plus, the thought bubbles add elements of infidelity and crossdressing without adding any humor. Athena’s ad, on the other hand is really funny. Jesse hams it up in the ad, playing up his own natural stiffness to a hilarious extent. There’s a bit at the end where the Goth midget gets mad and storms off, and I think it kind of ruins the flow. Still, it’s pretty well done.
They call Perez Hilton for his opinion, and I hate him so much. He doesn’t like the KOTU ad. He likes Athena but isn’t sure it’s right for their demographic. He manages to mention that he’s gay, and Donald Trump asks him to confirm because “I had no idea”. Well, sure. There’s no way Trump had ever heard of Perez Hilton until the task began, and he really only found out that homosexuality existed at about Season Five of the original Apprentice. All agrees that Athena was pretty good but they’re not sure of the demographics and the use of the word “midget”. When it comes to KOTU, well, they liked the music. Hee.
Boardroom Time! Athena is all smiles, KOTU looks like the last leg of the Bataan Death March. Boy, KOTU is just cursed as a concept. When asked, Clint thinks they did “All right under the circumstances”. Joan thinks it was offensive and horrible and she hates her team. Joan then explains comedy writing to the room, but she leaves out the part where she managed to completely mangle the telling of the joke. She complains that their ad lacked “a happy ending”, and a shot of Don Jr. makes it clear that he’s the only person in the room who got that. (That’s just sad.–Myndi)
Joan goes on to say that she hopes to never see Clint again. She won’t interview him on the red carpet and she’s throwing away all of his CDs. For somebody who’s been in show business since before talkies, she’s awfully thin-skinned. Trump then refers to Natalie as a “great golf champion”, and her response is drowned out be the collective laughter of everybody who follows golf. Clint then brings up Joan’s idea about spitting in his hamburger, and Melissa reacts with righteous indignation. She seems to think Clint’s claiming that Joan actually did spit in his hamburger, because following the flow of conversation is too much for her.
While most of what Melissa has to say is boring and ill-informed, there’s a funny moment when Trump asks “Do you think your mother’s obnoxious?” She does not. Then Don Jr. asks “Not even a little bit?” Ha! Ivanka’s losing it, which is one more thing that we have in common. For a grand total of one.
Trump plays the videos for the assembled ducklings and man, you can hear a pin drop during the KOTU video. Jesse James actually looks angry at the video. The existence of this video causes him physical pain. Trump can’t stop talking about the underwear model, and talks to Brande about how hot she was (He was the obnoxious one at this point. But then again, that’s a Tuesday for him, isn’t it?–Myndi). He also refers to Brande as “one of the Queens of Bodies”. I assume that’s a ceremonial position. Then Annie reveals that she has four children who “came out of my body”. You just know those kids are straight up chain smokers already.
The Athena ad, on the other hand, cracks everybody up. Jesse is pretty hilarious. Clint is jealous that they have better midget actors than he did. KOTU loves the ad, and Jesse loves working with his new team. Melissa has difficulty justifying the bit where the Goth midget swears and storms off, though.
It’s time to reveal the winner, and per Trump, the executives hated both ads. Each Project Manager has to bring two people back to the Boardroom and there will be two firings. And this, I’m just telling you now, is going to be pure lunatic magic. Melissa explains that she asked for volunteers and that T-Boz was one of them. She also picks Brande, because everybody agreed that Jesse was awesome and she’s afraid of Annie. Clint picks Khloe and Natalie, because he knows he can’t win a fight with Joan.
Trump first talks to Athena about how Melissa did as a Project Manager, but it’s just a feint. He confirms that Melissa did a good job, and then asks T-Boz if she’s ever heard of Bradford. Yeah, he was a past Apprentice contestant, and in a loss that wasn’t his fault, he volunteered to come back to the Boardroom. Good soldier and all. Trump fired him because he “volunteered for execution”. And so, since a stupid catchphrase is easier than making a decision, T-Boz is fired. This freaks people out. T-Boz is almost in tears because this is so crazy. Melissa is shocked. Nobody moves. People actually gasp! Melissa almost tries to argue with him. T-Boz is so mad now because this is the stupidest thing that’s ever happened.
OK guys, Trump’s gone off the rails. What’s his next rationale for firing going to be? First, he compliments Clint for wussing out and not bringing Joan to the Boardroom. Clint says that he takes responsibility for his actions, so it seems like there’s a logical conclusion. Trump asks him if he’d like to be fired so he can go back to performing. No, he would not. He asks Natalie if she’d like to be fired so she can get back to practicing for some big golf event. She would not, even though her sponsors wish she would. OK, well we know Khloe has nothing to go back to, so that won’t be a question for her. Trump brings up the fact that she missed the last task. He didn’t know why at the time, but found out that she was taking a class for her recent DUI. Trump hates drunk drivers, and he explains this hatred at length. This in and of itself is right and proper. But then he takes the extra step and fires Khloe because of her DUI. Which she had before the show ever started, and if he’s looked into things for ten seconds, he would have known.
I don’t support drunk drivers and I can’t stand Khloe, but that’s pretty weak to fire somebody for something that occurred prior to her casting. Why not drop her immediately then? This is totally just because Trump thought she was the hot sister right up until he actually met her. Or maybe it’s because Dennis Rodman is gone and Trump is free to reclaim his crown as the craziest dude on the show. Whatever the case, Trump is back. Be very afraid!
See you next week, if Donald doesn’t go off and fire me in the meantime.
