The announcer reminds us that Piers and Trace played the game differently. Is it too late for me to set up a macro for that phrase? The announcer makes a big deal over the fact that Carol Alt was the last one chosen for the final task, but it never really comes up again. History changes before our eyes as the flashback to the auction items has Trace picking the Super Bowl package first, with Piers responding by selecting an afternoon with Ivanka, only Piers actually picked first. Don’t lie to me, NBC!
You know, we’ve got two hours ahead of us, so I’m going to skip recapping the recap. Just head on over to last week’s recap to watch the video of Trace and the Backstreet Boys. Watching it multiple times does not make it less funny.
We see these particular opening credits for the final time. Now, the audience in the studio is watching these clips along with us, so it’s like there’s a laugh track. It’s really weird and confusing. Also, they cheer wildly for Don Jr., which makes no sense to me at all. And, hey, they cut the credits short. That was our last chance to see Nely Galan, even though she actually appears in the episode.
This, by the way, is live. No studio magic in that famous Trump charisma. He refers to the fired celebrities, who are hanging out in the Green Room, as “fourteen wonderful killers”, which is awesome. Also inaccurate, as there are only eleven of them there.
I am convinced that Matt Dillon is in the audience, by the way.
We pick up where we left off last week, with everybody preparing for the charity gala. Piers has Sharon Osbourne on speakerphone. Apparently, she is also a judge on America’s Got Talent, but until this show began, I didn’t know that was a real thing. In a voiceover, Piers explains how auctions work. He should have a series where he explains rudimentary concepts at great length. Sadly, I think I’d watch it. Next Piers calls Andrew Lloyd Weber, who strangely has a camera crew in his studio to capture this surprise call. Weber explains that he’s currently working on writing the sequel to Phantom of the Opera, which made me die a little. He offers tickets to Opening Night as auction items. On a show he isn’t done writing yet? That’s a little optimistic.
Piers and Stephen Baldwin head to the van, with Stephen finally finding his calling as a caddy. He’s carrying clothing, coffee, and a man purse. Surprisingly, he manages not to drop anything. Piers calls somebody named “Howard” and leads with “I don’t believe you know me”. In my mind, he’s talking to Howard Dean.
Stephen compliments Piers’ fundraising abilities. Piers and Stephen have a moment where Piers tells Flea that he never meant to offend him, and he apologizes. It’s sort of a nice moment, which Stephen spoils by singing “Hallelujah” over and over. Once he’s done being douchey, they agree that they enjoy working together. Awww.
Trace appears to be folding towels with five hours to go before the event. The Backstreet Boys’ road manager shows up, and I am amused that he has a Bluetooth headset. Because of all those calls that the road manager for the Backstreet Boys must get…. Trace shows him around, and asks if they’re going to give him a hard time if everything isn’t perfect. The road manager stammers and stares at the floor. For just a moment, you can see that this man hates his job so much. It’s very sad.
Trace explains his fear that the band won’t go on stage if they’re missing something from their rider, and I have no doubt that they will walk around with a checklist. They call, and Trace asks if everything’s all right. His next words are words of incomprehension. “Black nail polish?” And then he flat-out goes all Jim Halpert for the camera, which is hilarious. In an interview, he explains that he’s still looking for the wheat grass juice, and now one of the Boys forgot his nail polish.
Lennox Lewis and Trace leave and head to a pharmacy to buy nail polish for Nick Carter. I kind of think Trace brought Lennox with him so it would seem less gay. Alas, two men, one of whom is wearing a cowboy hat, buying nail polish together is about as gay as it gets. For some reason, the musical cues in this scene sound like a Theremin. Trace is horrified at the whole thing, and recounting it in the interview, he has this thousand yard stare. This season has been rough on Trace.
Back with Piers, he tells Stephen and Carol to sell tickets. Piers explains that they have to sell fifty tickets (and he gave twenty away to injured veterans), so he wants to make sure he has buyers. Stephen calls somebody named “Huckleberry” and uses the following phrases “I’m rockin’ and rollin’”, “Playa, playa”, and “So you can’t make it.” There’s a montage of Stephen unable to sell tickets. In the end, Stephen manages to confirm five people coming. Man, I can pack a crowd better than Stephen can.
Trace’s jet full of country stars arrives, and I recognize none of them. I would think musicians would be leery of air travel in groups, after that whole Buddy Holly thing. At least one of the country stars looks like a man who’s seen some rough living. Another one has a skull and crossbones on the back of his suit jacket. Really? That’s just ridiculous. Oh, and he has a picture of a dagger on the sleeve. You know, it doesn’t really matter the genre. The fact is, a huge percentage of successful musicians are dicks.
After the commercials, Trump does a live lead-in to the next video segment about remaining cool under pressure. He ends his monologue with “Let’s take it out. Check.”, and I’m thinking he really did have that stroke.
As the Backstreet Boys’ road crew arrives and starts setting up the stage, and those are a lot of instruments for a band with four singers, Trace and Marilu Henner argue about setting up the Hall. I’m not sure why that’s Trace’s job, nor why he’s concerned about the food, since that’s Piers’ part of the task. Then Carol and Stephen are hassling Trace about arrival times and guest lists. I’m really not sure what happened here. It’s like they were shooting a Piers-free cut of the episode in case he didn’t show up for the finale. Trace’s family shows up, and his little girls are tiny and adorable. His wife is about half his size. Mrs. Adkins says of the surprise “For once, he’s speechless.” Damn, I feel like I know her husband better than she does. It’s actually really sweet, and you can see just how crazy he is about his family. Trace reminds us that his youngest daughter has severe allergies, and that’s why he’s here. Stephen chats up the Adkins Family. I assume they cut the part where he tells them about Jesus. In an interview, Trace tears up.
With one hour until the event, we see the caterers setting up, including unpacking box after box of Trump brand vodka. Their motto, per the box is “Success Distilled”. One of these days he’s going to reveal that he’s been joking all this time. Wait for it. It’ll be hilarious.
Piers addresses the caterers and wait staff. He explains that the strategy is to get people drunk as fast as possible, so they spend more money. “In terms of food, less is more.” Would have been nice to tell the caterers that ahead of time. They could have saved some effort and just filled a bowl with mini Peanut Butter Cups. Piers tells us that drunk celebrities will bid on anything, and he says this with the confidence of one who knows.
Lennox lays out a red carpet for the arriving Backstreet Boys. Seriously. It should be noted that despite the fact that it’s a busy street, the only media in evidence is the Celebrity Apprentice camera crew. As they set up and meet everybody, Nick Carter keeps talking on his cell phone, because he is a loathsome human being. Some Backstreet staff member tells Trace that “Howie needs a knee brace”. Rather than, you know, getting Howie a knee brace.
In an interview, Trace explains the situation. “If you know ‘em like I do, they’re the BSB.” Ha! He’s also still looking for wheat grass juice. He shows up in the dressing room to ask Nick about a particular kind of juice. “Looking over their rider gave me new appreciation for myself,” says Trace. He tells us that he’s done shows with a broken leg, and shows with kidney stones. On one occasion, he performed with stomach pains. Immediately after the show he went to the ER and had 18 inches of his colon removed. You know, there’s a difference between being a professional and being vaguely masochistic. Nobody expects you to perform if you just recently caught fire. Put out the fire and get some ointment, and then you can put on a show. In contrast, the Boys can’t perform without wheat grass juice and a knee brace. “Don’t get me started on the BSB,” he concludes to the delight of the studio audience. Man, he’s going to be talking about these guys at his concerts for years to come.
Live Trump introduces the next segment. He says they’re being judged on “Auction sales, ticket sales, and overall-let’s just see how they do.” I would have called that last one ‘execution’, but I’m not a billionaire, and my brand of Vodka sold quite poorly. (“Inactivity Distilled”)
Right before the event, Piers and Trace shake hands and compliment each other, and then they trash-talk a little. Despite what the show keeps telling us, they really do work well together. Also, it was at this point that I was pretty sure the fix was in, as we’ve seen about twice as much of Trace as we have of Piers. Let’s see how that pans out.
Piers and Trace both greet people. Trace identifies several of their country stars, but he could be saying random names for all I know. Still, I choose to believe him. The rough-looking guy turns out to be Ronnie Milsap, which is a name I know. I suspect I know the name because he’s been in the news for that rough-living that shows on every part of his face. Ronnie poses for a picture with Lennox, and poses like he’s punching him. Only Ronnie is facing the camera, so his fist is actually touching Lennox’s neck. You punch a guy there, he could end up facing paralysis, his third greatest fear. Trace’s buddies start handing him checks and money.
The wounded veterans show up on the red carpet, and none of them have visible wounds. They’re telegenically wounded. Regardless, whether you view the move with cynicism or not, these are people who were wounded in combat, and now they get to go to a big fancy charity event surrounded by celebrities. Even if it’s pure manipulation on Piers’ part, and I don’t necessarily think that it is, the fact is, these particular veterans get a really cool evening out of it.
Don Jr, Ivanka, and the Trump show up. Trump’s wearing a pink tie which extends to his crotch. Even I know it’s supposed to stop at your belt buckle, and I’m sitting here in a Flash t-shirt. But then, in so many ways, it’s all about Trump’s crotch.
The auction begins. A woman representing Christie’s Auction House is the auctioneer, and I kind of wish they’d had an old-timey County Fair auctioneer. Also, Ivanka looks amazing. I’m not really going to dwell on that since we’ve got a lot to get to. Still, damn!
The first item is Trace’s “Super Bowl thing”, which is not, as I assumed, tickets to the game. It’s a book about the first 40 Super Bowls, with a page signed by every living Super Bowl MVP. So, there are like 8 or 9 signatures on that page. It sells for eighteen thousand, and I realize that auctions are very hard to recap.
The next item is tea with Fergie. The bidding jumps from seven thousand straight to one hundred thousand. Somebody thinks Fergie is putting out… The bidder is a man named Hal Lutnick, chief financial officer for Cantor Fitzgerald. As Piers explains, Cantor Fitzgerald lost more than 700 employees in the 9/11 attacks, all of Lunding’s staff, including his brother. Apparently this man has rebuilt from that, which is really amazing. Still, kind of a comedy killer.
Next up is a dinner with Trace Adkins, which sells for six thousand. The winning bidder? Ivanka. Ha! Somebody thinks Trace is putting out…. Trace heads off to tell his wife that he may not be coming home.
Piers offers a night with the Osbournes. If it sells for more than fifty thousand, Ozzy will fly his entire band in to perform. Hal Lunding bids one hundred thousand dollars. Somebody thinks Ozzy is putting out…. By the way, this means that Trace’s auction sales are currently at $24,000 and Piers’ are at $200,000. I would make a joke about Piers having to put out, but that would violate comedy’s Rule of Threes. Trace explains that he doesn’t know rich people like Piers does. I don’t know about that. I would imagine Ronnie Milsap’s forty number one records gave him a little more than $10,000 to play around with.
Now it’s a rapid-fire auction montage, including signed Taxi memorabilia, the original signed Phantom of the Opera mask, and “A Day with the Backstreet Boys”. Come on, Trace. Put up a bid! We see a guitar, and something that says “Primetime on QVC”. You get to appear on the Home Shopping Network? I want more details on that prize. The final item is the shopping trip with Ivanka.
I think the first bidder, at $20,000, is Vince McMahon, though nobody confirms that. Piers takes the stage to announce that they have a bidder on the phone from London. It’s Simon Cowell! Piers tells the audience to boo Simon, and Simon responds to the lackluster effort with “Is anybody there?” Trace looks like he’s missing those eighteen inches of colon right about now. Piers explains that he’s not going over very well in America, which delights Simon. Piers then explains that he’s fighting for national pride against a giant cowboy. Simon gives Piers some crap, and then bids $50,000. Finally, Simon wins at $100,000. Guess Ivanka will be spending the day shopping for tight black t-shirts. Lennox is so astonished that he nearly swears.
Trace, in a rare show if sour grapes, complains in an interview that he didn’t get equal billing in the auction, and that Piers’ behavior was distasteful. I think somebody’s upset that he sold for way less than Ozzy Osbourne. I’m sure it was frustrating to get beat down like that in the auction, but Piers came up with better items. And from what we saw, Simon was Piers’ only big stunt of the night.
As an aside, wouldn’t it be weird to watch your daughter or sister get auctioned off? I’m not sure how I would react to that, but it probably wouldn’t be by hooting and applauding.
Anyway, Piers tells us how great he is at fundraising, which is largely true. He and Trace congratulate one another, but Trace looks pretty shaky. And now it’s time for the BSB.
Trace explains to the third person identified in this episode as some form of Backstreet Boys manager, that he got the nail polish and knee brace, but he couldn’t get the wheat grass juice. Trace heads up on stage to introduce them and plug their “hot new album, Unbreakable”. Aww, look. Their album title refers to the 100,000 sales level.
They start performing, and people in the audience who seem too old and rich to give a crap about the Backstreet Boys jump up and down and wave their arms. I think when you hit a certain level of wealth, you just start getting excited about whatever’s in front of you. Plus, you know, they’ve been hitting the Distilled Success pretty hard.
Trace thinks they sounded really good, even without the wheat grass juice, and you can tell he’s relieved. My sister saw the BSB in concert years and years ago, and she said they all rode mechanical bulls. Sadly, that does not happen here.
Piers interviews that he’s proud of everybody’s performance, and he thinks he’s made some “friends for life”. Really? Calling Lennox at three in the morning for the next ten years doesn’t make him a friend for life.
There’s a nice shot of the six Retarded Baby Ducklings standing together and enjoying the show. (Unsurprisingly, Piers has snuck away from his team to stand next to Lennox.) Of course, then the editors have Trace tell us that we’ll looking at the six of them standing together and enjoying the show, ruining what was actually a genuine moment.
Back from the break, Trump tells us that Howard Lutnick will match the donations the viewing audience texts during the show. First off, now we know who the “Howard” was that Piers called earlier. I had no idea that “Hal” was short for “Howard”. Second, you have to give that guy all the credit in the world.
Trump points out Jim Cramer and Erin Burnett in the audience, and I’m pleased that Jim could take time out of his busy schedule of encouraging people to keep their money in a failing securities company. (I kid. I love Jim Cramer. Seriously though, he probably ruined a lot of people…) Trump tells us that Erin is beautiful, and as for Jim, “To me, he’s handsome.” Get a room!
I wish this were more like Dancing with the Stars, where network stars were “encouraged” to attend. Tell me you don’t want to see Rainn Wilson or Tina Fey sitting in the audience.
Boardroom time! Only this is a taped segment in the real Boardroom. It’s not the Final Boardroom. It’s clearly not shot immediately after the event, as Trump is now wearing a silver tie of the proper length, and Ivanka has put away her cleavage.
Trump asks Lennox who was better, and Lennox says that they have different styles. That wasn’t the question! Lennox finally says that he likes Trace’s style best. Piers covers his broken heart by reminding Trump that of course Lennox prefers a laid-back style, since he’s sleepy.
Lennox and Piers briefly argue over how awesome Lennox is. They conclude that he is really awesome and move on. Lennox agrees that he and Piers are friends for life. Aww, they’re total BFF! Piers says Lennox is one of the few people who understood his sense of humor, and Trump agrees. I’m not sure Piers was really that inscrutable, but whatever.
Trump expresses surprise that Piers picked Stephen, and Piers assures him that they worked very well together on previous tasks. Ivanka continues to express surprise, like there will never be a reasonable explanation for that choice. Guys, he picked Stephen. Move on!
Trump asks Trace about the Backstreet Boys, and Trace says that they were nice but difficult. For some reason, Trump asks Carol if that’s true, even though she was on the other team. She does confirm that the wheat grass juice was an issue. The nail polish comes up again, and we find out that Trace made Lennox give Nick the nail polish, because it amused him to have the heavyweight champion deliver makeup. And yeah, that is pretty funny. Trace explains that he was afraid they were going to refuse to go on.
Ivanka, letting her bias show as much as her earlier cleavage, says that they should have been embarrassed to treat Trace that way, but it would have been acceptable had it been Piers. Hey Ivanka, impartial much? Piers says that he would have told them where to stick the nail polish, and they still would have been thrilled to get television exposure. He’s probably right, actually.
Trace says he could have beat up the whole band by himself, which would have been awesome. Still, he wanted to get a happy band up there onstage. Piers says he doesn’t believe in “blowing smoke up people’s backsides”.
Carol says Piers did a better job of raising money. Don Jr., who we’ve established is not so good at the numbers, confirms that Piers’ auction items raised $376,000 compared to Trace’s $64,000. Damn. Take away Lutnick and Cowell, and Piers still beat Trace.
However, Trace raised $38,000 in ticket sales versus Piers’ $12,000. So even if Piers hadn’t given away half his tickets, it still wouldn’t have been close. Of course, that doesn’t even begin to match the auction discrepancy. Carol explains that Piers did give away all those tickets, but Trump’s more excited about Simon Cowell. Piers says that he “pulverized” the other team on overall money.
It gets weird here. Trace jumps in to say that his people donating $5,000 actually means more to them than Simon’s $100,000. Maybe, but I really don’t think country stars are as impoverished as he would have us believe. And it’s not like we’re talking about who sacrificed more, we’re talking about who raised more money. Trace says he’s upset about how Piers has been putting down his donors. Now, I know the editors are not always on the ball here, but we’ve never seen Piers say one bad thing about any of Trace’s supporters. And as much as they’re trying to play Piers as evil, I have to think we would have seen that footage. Piers is surprised, and denies ever saying anything about Trace’s contacts. And if there’s one thing you can say about Piers, he owns up to the things he actually says. Trace seems kind of angry about this imagined slight. Piers demands that Trace take back the “inference that (he) was somehow belittling (Trace’s) donors”. Trace has angry eyes right now. Also, it’s ‘implication’. The speaker implies, the listener infers. One of my grammatical pet peeves, right up there with the misuse of “prequel”.
Trump explains to Trace that even if Piers didn’t say it, he thought it, which is really unfair. I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish here. Both Carol and Piers say that isn’t true, and Trump responds with “Yes, it is.” Yeah, he’s actually determining what Piers was thinking. That’s really crappy right there.
Trump asks where the food was, and Piers explains that he tried to lower the visibility of the food so people would drink more. That makes sense, but it sounds really awful when you say it out loud. Trump asks if he really wanted people to get “drunk or high”. High? What exactly is in that Trump Vodka. Piers says he wanted to get rich people tipsy, and it occurs to me that rich people are the only ones who get tipsy. The middle class get drunk and the poor get wasted.
Trump says that’s exactly why he doesn’t drink. Stephen says it’s immoral to get people tipsy so you can get their money. Dude, he’s not fleecing a town for their oil rights by plying them with rum. He’s increasing the chance that rich people will bid on things for charity. Trump reminds us that Stephen is born again, so this is a relatively new development. Apparently Stephen spent years getting people liquored up and taking their homes. Piers reminds us that Stephen used to “drink for America.” Like at the Olympics? That would be fantastic. I think I’ll make t-shirts that say “I’m Not Drunk, I’m an Olympic Hopeful”. And then the Olympic Committee will sue me into oblivion.
Piers continues to say that none of this ever comes up during the tasks, but Stephen always plays this role in the Boardroom. That’s largely true, but I think there’s also a difference choosing not to do something and trying to talk somebody else out of doing it. Yeah, Stephen wouldn’t have pushed the booze, but it wasn’t really his place to talk Piers out of it, either. Trump says that Stephen has done “something very special” with his life, and Piers reminds Trump that there are other Christians in the room.
Trump interrupts to ask why Piers is sweating again. Oh, maybe because people keep accusing him of immorality, saying things that he didn’t say, and then telling that even if he didn’t say those things, he thought them. By the way, this Boardroom, and the whole episode, really, is brought to you by Piers Morgan is an Evil Toad and Trace Adkins is the Greatest Man Alive. Trump keeps it up. “You sweat a lot!” Piers introduces logic into the proceedings by asking “What can I do about that?” That actually shuts Trump up, while he tries to come up with a response.
Ivanka stops filling out her Trace Adkins Fan Club application for a moment to say that Piers unquestionably raised more money, but he makes bad choices as a manager. Here’s where the finale logic falls apart. (Besides all those other places.) This is not like regular Apprentice where the winner gets a job with Trump. This is entirely based on charity fundraising. It’s not a “job application”, the way they’ve billed the other seasons. Personality really shouldn’t factor into it.
Piers explains that he’s defending himself against unfair accusations, and he’s accepted that he’s being portrayed as evil. Trump reminds us that is, in fact, the case. He then says “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Who’s the ugly?” Immediately, Piers says “Lennox” at the exact same time that Lennox raises his hand. Awesome. Donald Trump says that women don’t think so, and that’s all that matters. Sweet, dude! High fives all around!
Piers agrees with me, and asks Trump whether this is a contest to find the nicest guy in America, or to find the best fundraiser. Trump asks Trace to answer that question. Trace brings up food allergies, and says that his job is not to dishonor himself or his charity. Personally, I think the charity would prefer money over honor.
Piers reminds everybody that he’s playing for wounded veterans, and if reminding Baldwin that he’s a tool will raise that money, then by God, he’s calling Baldwin a tool. Heck, I’ve been doing that for thirteen weeks, and I’m not raising any kind of money.
Trace acknowledges that Piers opened the task by saying that they would work together to hold the best event possible, and they would work on their own areas of expertise so that it would go smoothly and raise money for the both of them. Bonus points to Trace for acknowledging that.
And now we’re back in the live portion of the show, for the real final Boardroom. There’s Wingman George in the audience! Hi George! Remember how much you hated Empresario? Those were good times.
Trump introduces Trace as “one of the nicest guys ever to be in the Boardroom”. Trace gets a standing ovation. I think Greta Van Susteren is in the audience. He then introduces Piers as “a vicious guy, I guess”. Nice. Piers also gets a standing ovation, with a smattering of boos. Unless they’re saying “Boo-urns”.
Trace leads off by saying he doesn’t like Piers very much. He reminds us that Erin and Jim both wanted to fire Piers. Good point. Of course, once again, he beat you silly when it comes to actually raising money. It may not be a good idea to invoke the people who incorrectly thought that you would ultimately be a better fundraiser. “Remember what these people who were wrong thought?”
Piers says that Trace is a great guy. “And yet he doesn’t like you,” prods Trump. “I’m an evil, obnoxious, disgusting Brit” responds Piers. You know, Piers is so much cooler than he has any right to be. Some people try to influence the way they’re portrayed, others complain about it. Piers actually doesn’t care. Good job, Piers!
Now it’s time to bring out the rest of the cast, in the order in which they were fired. Tiffany Fallon is pregnant now. Nely Galan is wearing a bright blue trenchcoat that makes her look like the world’s worst private detective. There’s a lengthy lag in between when Trump announces Carol Alt and when she finally comes through the door. I really thought something had happened. Upon reflection, Trump screwed up the order – you can see a man behind the door just behind Tito, and Stephen was fired before Carol. Trump messed the whole thing up.
I am briefly excited that neither Gene Simmons nor Omarosa is on stage. Trump explains that Gene is shooting a movie in Japan. I wonder if it’s anything like his last movie, which is to say, a bootleg Internet sex tape that you couldn’t pay a decent human being to watch. I’m afraid to use the Internet, just in case it sneaks up on me. But if I know anything about Japanese culture, and I am very familiar with the episode of The Simpsons where they go to Tokyo, the movie probably features the members of KISS piloting super robots that combine into a giant super robot that fights monsters and then rocks out.
And then we get a montage of Omarosa vs. Piers moments. When you string them all together, they do not make Omarosa look good. Actually, viewed separately, they don’t make Omarosa look good. You know what else doesn’t make Omarosa look good? Omarosa.
Unfortunately, this is all by way of introducing Omarosa to the stage. Dammit. Trump asks why she hates Piers, and keep in mind that she has had weeks to formulate an answer. She comes up with “He doesn’t floss”. This joke absolutely dies, and Trump tells her it’s the worst answer she’s ever given him. (And keep in mind she’s failed to answer the “Why shouldn’t I fire you?” question twice.) She continues that some of the prize money should go to getting his teeth cleaned, and we hear crickets. Piers turns and asks “I’m sorry, what was you name again?”, and the audience loves it. Omarosa responds with her own variation of “I know you are, but what am I?” and Trump tells her she blew it with the dental floss line. You know, when Trump can school you on comedy, you have to realize you’re not getting an HBO special anytime soon.
Lennox, for the fortieth time, refuses to decide who he likes better. Trump asks Carol, and she says Piers did a better job. Further, she continues that she should have been in the Final Two instead of Trace. Trump cuts her off by saying she’s “choking on live TV”, only, you know, she isn’t. Unless Trump thinks “choking” means “making a good case that I disagree with”. He cuts her off, and decides not to ask any more women any questions about the actual game.
Next up is Stephen, who gets squeals from the audience. Ladies, if Stephen Baldwin makes you squeal, you need to rethink some things. Also, where can I find a woman with those low standards? Trump tells us Stephen wasn’t doing so well before the show, but now he’s a big star and people recognize him on the street. You know, the street where he stands holding a sign pointing people to great deals on cell phones. Trump makes up for his crappy treatment of Carol by asking “Were you trying to sabotage Piers, or are you really that bad?” Man, every once in a while, I really like Trump.
Stephen dodges that question by saying that Piers is a good businessman, but Trace is the greatest guy in the world. “Ten times better than Piers”, in fact. Trump turns to Vincent Patore, telling him he’s a tough guy. No he isn’t. Hell, his character on The Sopranos wasn’t even a tough guy. Vincent regrets resigning, but blames it on Lennox. Apparently he took Lennox to see A Bronx Tale, and the next day, he took Piers’ side. “He can’t take you to meet Chazz Palminteri”, rages Vincent. Everybody thinks that’s hilarious except for Vincent, who is dead serious. He really is crazy. And poor Chazz Palminteri, who’s at home saying “Leave me out of this, bro.” Lennox jumps in to say that he thought Piers was better (apparently than Vincent, which, duh).
Trump asks Marilu how she liked her experience, being a big fan of the show. “Supposedly, you’ve seen every episode.” Like not even Trump believes that people are watching this. Marilu talks faster than Lorelai Gilmore and confirms that she had fun. Trump asks Jennie Finch if she’s going to win another gold medal. The hell? Jennie says she’ll try her best, and Trump seems to doubt her. He tells her that she’s seated next to Nadia Comaneci, “one of the greats”. Now, you would think that’s a stupid statement to make, since clearly Jennie would know who she’s sitting next to. However, clearly Nadia has been replaced by Scott Thompson as Francesca Fiore. Now if we could just replace Tito Ortiz with Bruno Pants-Jones, we’d have something. Nadia holds up her hand and says “five”, indicating her number of gold medals. It is all she says on the show, and one more word than she said in the whole run of the series up to this point. Stephen Baldwin does not tell us how many gold medals he won drinking for America.
Trump says nothing to Tito Ortiz, because Tito doesn’t know many words, or Nely Galan, because Trump hates her. Trump asks who likes Piers, and Carol, Marilu, Lennox, and Tito raise their hands. Then he asks who likes Trace, and everybody, including the people who raised for Piers, raise their hands. Except for Tito Ortiz. Tito hate Trace! Tito will smash! Omarosa stands up for Trace, sensing the last moments of her TV experience are upon her.
Throwing it to commercial, Trump tells us we’re going to hear from Gene Simmons via satellite. Imagine my excitement.
We get a montage of Gene being disgusting, and reminding us how happy we were that he was fired in Week Three. The announcer shows up to remind us that Kodak hated him. This all leads in to Gene’s satellite appearance. His hair looks like Snoopy’s ears in this segment.
Gene, going from zero to douche in .5 seconds, leads off with a message to his Japanese friends, which of course, is in Japanese. We’re supposed to be amused and impressed by his grasp of the language, but it’s really just stupid. Also, his message includes the words ‘Gene Simmons’, so you know there’s not a prayer that the message contained no worthwhile content. Gene has a good laugh about how awesome he is. The rest of us laugh, but for a very different reason.
Trump asks Gene if he was willing to admit that he was wrong about the Kodak task. Apparently their new campaign doubled their ink profits. Gene says that’s short-sighted, as everything’s going digital. Yes, and the product in question provided a cheaper way to print digital photos. Check your hand for the notes. It’s not like it’s been washed since then. Once again, he keeps flogging his stupid and derivative “It’s a Kodak world”.
Trump actually throws it to a Kodak executive, who loves Gene’s passion, but tells him to his (satellite) face that he’s wrong. He cites actual statistics, and Gene may talk a good game, but he doesn’t actually know things, so he’s powerless to respond. Trump brings it back by asking “Trace or Piers?” Gene calls it “a two-sided story”. Yes, just like all stories. Gene says that Piers did better on the show, but Trace tugs at the heart, and that’s what America needs. Is anybody surprised that Gene Simmons will argue that emotional response is more important than actual performance? I mean, we’re talking about a guy who suddenly lost his ability to bang groupies when he stopped performing in clown makeup. He starts talking some nonsense about the flag, which is enough to make somebody turn on America. Trump actually reaches his own limit for crap and cuts Gene off to ask who he likes, and also remind him that Kodak was right. Gene pauses so that what he thinks is his magnetic smirk can win us over, and then picks Trace. I do not recommend pausing your DVR on a shot of Gene. I can only imagine the horrors his rictus could wreak on your psyche with a Hi-Def screen. Gene Simmons throws the horns before he goes, which shows us how cutting edge he is in 1971. The audience actually laughs when he does it, because we’re all just making fun of Gene to his face now. And for his face, come to think of it.
Now there’s a video about Trace’s charity, and the challenges it takes raising a little girl who could die seven minutes after touching milk or peanuts. It’s really kind of heartbreaking and provides no opportunity for comedy whatsoever, so I’ll move on. After that, Trace performs his new single “You’re Gonna Miss This”, so the reference in the first paragraph makes sense now.
I’m not Don, so I’m not going to sit here recapping singing. I mean, the man’s a pro and he knows how to perform for a crowd. It’s a story progression that I’ve heard a lot in my limited country music experience, where the older generation passes on wisdom to a younger generation, only to receive that same lesson from an even older generation. Also, the first line mentions an SUV. It’s a nice enough song, but I hate SUV’s with a passion approaching my hatred of Gene Simmons, so I’m clearly not the demographic.
Recapping charity videos and songs is much easier than recapping the Boardroom, I have to say. Writing “Trace sings” eats up about five minutes of airtime. This show needs more musical numbers! And by the way, again I was sure that they telegraphed the ending. What’s Piers going to do, judge his performance? Not exactly fair presentation there.
Back from the commercial, we see Piers’ family in the audience. But I thought they hated him…. Did Omarosa lie? My faith is shattered!
Now it’s Piers’ video for his charity, and wounded soldiers are about as funny as sick kids, so I’m sitting this one out, too. Actually (and I will be going to hell for this), there is a scene where Piers talks to a man who lost both legs and his sight, and the soldier says he’d like to go back there for some “unfinished business”. That’s right, you can take his legs and his eyes, but you’ll never take his gung-ho jingoism! (I am a bad person.)
When the video is over, Piers introduces some of the soldiers. They are thankful for what he’s done, regardless of whether or not he’s nice. There’s a standing ovation, and it really is hard not to get choked up.
Trump tell all of the Retarded Baby Ducklings how proud he is of them, and that there are no losers. Except for all the ones who lost. Trump asks Trace why he should win. Trace leads off by telling us how much he supports the military. People really aren’t answering the questions they’re asked today, are they? And then he turns it around to how people don’t understand the importance of food allergies. And for me, this is where Trace choked. When asked why he should win, he turned to “My charity is better”, and that doesn’t lead anywhere good.
Piers says that there’s no point in arguing the merits of charities, and Trace would win a “good guy competition”, but the show is about raising money for charity. Man, Piers and I are so in sync. I might have to check my feelings about Lennox Lewis. Piers says that he had the best record on the show and raised the most money. Oh, all of a sudden hard logic is going to play into this?
Trump cuts him off to tell him he was not loved, and Piers responds “Neither are you”, and I can not believe the show didn’t end right at that moment. Trump asks Ivanka what she thinks, and she expresses respect for both of them. She says Piers needs to work on his “bedside manner”, which is a weird choice of words. Piers responds that she doesn’t know his bedside manner. She uses that as an example of his lack of tact, even though she served it up on a platter. Piers explains for the millionth time that he played the game the way he did so that he could win, and thus make money for his charity. As much as I love Ivanka, she shouldn’t have such a hard time with that line of thinking. Piers refuses to say his charity is more important than Trace’s, even after Trump’s goading.
Trump asks Don Jr. for a final statement. Two minutes left in the season, Don. Come on, this is your time to finally say something interesting and/or helpful. Don says it’s a tough decision. Aww. Sorry Don, but thanks for playing.
Trump’s ready for his final pronouncement. He talks up both contestants. It gets weird when he tells Trace: “You’re a special, beautiful guy. I’ll always love you.” Huh. Here it comes: “But for tonight, Piers, you’re the Celebrity Apprentice.” Piers wins! After two hours of getting beat up and impugned, and Trace being lionized and singing a song about how much old people know, Piers Morgan pulls off the win. This is just like that one time when the team nobody thought would win ended up winning! (I’m not good with sports references. Shut up.)
There’s no time for Trump to explain his decision, because we’re out of time. Trump tells us “We’ll see you next year, we’re going to be around for a really long time.” God help me, I’m looking forward to it.
Well, that was a season of sheer insanity. Man crushes, table tipping, Baldwins, unhinged celebrities, and a giant shoe. That was more entertaining than I ever imagined. Just because it’s a train wreck doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. All in all, it was so satisfying I can almost hardly eat my pineapple.
Thanks to everybody who read and commented and supported this lengthy recapping endeavor. You guys are the real heroes! Thanks to my sister for providing facts about the Backstreet Boys and reminding me of long-forgotten Apprentice trivia. Thanks to Ben, Anne, Don, and Myndi for putting pictures and videos and links in these things and making them all look pretty. Further thanks to Don and Myndi for letting me steal their jokes when necessary. And even further thanks to Myndi for stepping in on the “Vincent Pastore loses all connection to reality” episode and saving my bacon. And biggest thanks of all go to spunkybean Buddy Lana, without whom this literally would not have been possible. I mean, she gave me a computer, which means that she contributed more to the recaps than 6 of the 7 Empresario members contributed to their charities. I think we can agree she’s even more like Nelson Mandela than Marilu Henner is.
Thanks, everybody! I’ll meet you all for some wheat grass juice later.
