In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I have an unhealthy obsession with The Apprentice.Originally, it was this interesting show that focused on people succeeding at things, and that was fine.After a couple of seasons, it got even better, because it went down the rabbit hole.Suddenly, it was about people who wanted to be on TV and the sheer weirdness that is Donald Trump.Trump can fire people for any reason, and it’s no longer about success or failure.Thus, everybody walks around with this thousand-yard stare, knowing that regardless of performance, they could be eliminated.(Also, Trump invented the multiple eliminations, so there was always this chance everybody could be fired at once and forced to clean rain gutters or something.)
So here we are with what may well be the last gasp of the franchise:Celebrity Apprentice.As we all know, nothing’s better than faded celebrities making a desperate attempt to stay in the public eye.How can this not be the greatest thing ever?How?
Right off, we meet our celebrities.Here’s how Dramatic Announcer introduces them:Heavyweight boxing champion, Lennox Lewis.Playmate of the Year, Tiffany Fallon. (If that’s your only credit, does that make you a celebrity?)Tito Ortiz, Ultimate Fighter and sportswear mogul.(Seriously?I’m not sure you can really be a ‘mogul’ if it’s your secondary line of work.)Marilu Henner, Taxi star and best-selling author.Multi-platinum country star, Trace Adkins.(It sounds like he’s probably famous, but my knowledge of country stars is lacking.I assume that he has never served in the military and that he has a hit song about defending the USA.)Notorious tabloid journalist and America’s Got Talent judge, Piers Morgan.(Who is walking around New York while dressed like Brave Sir Robin.)Marketing genius and KISS legend, Gene Simmons.(I actively wish harm upon him, for the record.)Softball gold medallist, Jennie Finch.(I was unaware that there were gold medals for softball.Does the whole team get them, or is it an MVP thing?)Actor, author, and entrepreneur, Stephen Baldwin.(I think I’d argue all three of those points.But I guess “Guy who was in one good movie and then went crazy” wouldn’t have gone over too well.)Television executive and Latina media tycoon Nely Galan.(What they don’t tell you is that she created The Swan and, thus, is Satan.Also, she has the scariest plastic surgery face you’d ever want to see.)Original supermodel and health pioneer, Carol Alt.(Doesn’t that make it sound like she’s the oldest living model?And also, she may have discovered flax seed or something.)Sopranos star and Broadway headliner, Vincent Pastore.(OK, I loved Big Pussy, but he was killed off in Season Two, seven years ago.That’s scarcely a ‘star’.Also, he allegedly beat his girlfriend.)Five time Olympic gold medallist, Nadia Comaneci.(Enjoy the opening, because you won’t hear her speak or see her on camera again for the rest of the episode.)And finally, Omarosa.Omarosa gets no introduction, because she is known for having been on the first season of The Apprentice.I call shenanigans on the ‘celebrity’ tag.
They are described as “Fourteen of the biggest celebrities”.I’m guessing that some sort of plague decimated Hollywood, and nobody told me.Trump also tells the assembled group that he ‘hand-picked’ them.That’s right, these were his top choices.Steve Carell and Catherine Zeta-Jones were turned away, I bet.Probably in tears.
Trump meets the group at the Mercantile Exchange.After describing them all as commodities, he sets the teams as men vs. women, because that’s how Trump sees everything.Omarosa announces right there that she wants to be the project manager, making sure everybody knows that she is, in fact, exactly as bad as you expect her to be.
At the women’s suite, Nely has hats for everybody.Nothing brings a team together like hats!They debate the team name, and Carol Alt wins my affection for suggesting ‘Explosion’.They settle on ‘Empresario’ because it “works in multiple languages”.Well, one at least…
Over with the men, Gene Simmons suggests ‘Hydra’, which he incorrectly describes as “the three-headed dog that guarded the entrance to Hell”.Hydra, Cerberus.Close enough, right?Then they go on the Internet and find out what the Hydra actually is, and Piers still manages to incorrectly state that “Even Hercules couldn’t beat it.”You know, since it’s a fictional creature, there is exactly one thing that is true about the Hydra, and that is that Hercules beat it.Where would you find a website that had enough information to correctly identify mythological characters and then get the stories completely wrong?Depressingly, Gene may be the smart one in the group.(Also, when I hear ‘Hydra’, I immediately think of the terrorist group that used to fight Captain America.I picture the men’s team in matching green tunics and toting laser rifles.)
Back in the Boardroom, Marilu explains that she’s seen every episode of The Apprentice.Marilu Henner and I have exactly one thing in common.Omarosa and Stephen are announced as the project managers.They snipe at each other, as if there’s some sort of history there.Were they on The Surreal Life together?I don’t know.The task involves selling hot dogs on the street, and then begins a theme for the episode where Trump talks to celebrities like they’re retarded baby ducklings.Instead of a “losing team”, it’s the “team that doesn’t sell as much”.And then he explains to them that real estate is largely about location.So, you know, the one thing that absolutely everybody knows about real estate is true.Good to know.Now sell some hot dogs, fame whores!
In the strategy sessions, Omarosa makes it very clear that solid salesmanship will win the day.She specifically says that they will not exploit their celebrity.Remember this, because she’ll lie about it later.Also, what celebrity?Your average person on the street will probably have heard of two or three, and I think Marilu is the only one who’s visually recognizable.I mean, I’m only slightly less famous than Jennie Finch, you know?
Meanwhile, the men decide they’re going to charge large sums of money so that people can have their picture taken with a celebrity.That’s actually not a bad idea.While several of them are off my radar, they’re well-known in their fields.If I liked professional fighting, country music, or bad arena rock, I’d probably be really excited about them.Then Gene starts calling friends of his and asking them to spend five thousand dollars on a hot dog.On the one hand, that’s a good idea.On the other, we’re twenty minutes into the first episode and the tasks no longer matter at all.Not an auspicious start.And if Gene Simmons ever called me, I would be forced to immediately burn my phone, and maybe have my ear checked for crabs.
It’s interesting that at the very beginning of the task, the screen tells us there are 2 ½ hours remaining.I call shenanigans again!They don’t even put in three hours on a task?That’s sort of like having Celebrity Big Brother only they can watch TV and leave the house whenever they want.
The women are actually approaching the task in kind of a cool way.They’re stressing the charity angle and pushing for whatever they can get from people.With each big sale they jump and scream, and it’s this neat sort of community feeling.I’m willing to bet most people didn’t actually realize they were celebrities, but they’re cute and they made people feel good about paying one hundred dollars for a hot dog.
Trump shows up with the Trumplings and Mayor Bloomberg.Bloomberg describes himself as “the number-one frankophile in the city”.Dude, if you’re obsessed with having sex with French people, that’s your own thing.You don’t need to make an official announcement.Trump is wearing a white shirt with a white tie.Is that acceptable or not?Generally, if I’m noticing somebody’s wardrobe, it means something has gone wrong.
Over at Hydra (where they have an adorably incompetent hand-made sign advertising their hot dogs), Piers Morgan is browbeating passerby and turning people away who are only willing to pay five dollars for a hot dog.Don’t you realize what an honor it is to buy a hot dog from some dude you don’t care about?Pay up, America!There is an unfortunate scene of Piers haggling with a Hassid, who is willing to pay $15 for a hot dog, but not $20.At least Mark Burnett exercised unusual restraint and didn’t actually put klezmer music in the background.That’s as close to tasteful as we’re getting tonight, folks.
Finally, people start paying $100 to have their picture taken with the celebrity of their choice.One woman reveals she is wearing KISS underwear, and everybody feels sad for her.Trump and Co. head over, and the Mayor eats another hot dog.Is this the 1920’s all of a sudden?Is “Mayor Eats Hot Dog” really a viable photo op?I imagine all the photographers have ‘PRESS’ cards stuck in their hat bands, and at least one of them, after getting a picture of the Mayor eating, said “What a scoop!”Stephen Baldwin is really weird here, laughing way too hard at everything.It’s like he and the Mayor recently broke up and Stephen wants to convince him that he’s doing just fine, thank you very much.
Back at Empresario, Omarosa is disappointed in Tiffany’s lack of hustle.I don’t think yelling out “It’s Playmate of the Year, Tiffany Fallon” is helping.It’s got to be hard to sell hot dogs when somebody’s using a megaphone to announce that the public can see you naked as soon as they get home and do a Google search.Also, it’s not like people are suddenly going to bring their kids over to meet the Playmate.There’s a very weird dynamic here, where Omarosa is pretty openly contemptuous of Tiffany but also very willing to exploit her.I actually really like Tiffany, because she seems to be trying hard and she’s taking a lot of crap from her team.Besides that, she seems aware that she’s not actually a celebrity, which is always refreshing.
Marilu calls some of her contacts to come and buy expensive hot dogs.Unlike Gene, she makes it clear that they would be doing her a favor, and when two of her “contacts” (as they’re identified onscreen) pay $5000 each for water, she’s pretty much in disbelief.Sadly, her “contacts” are not her Taxi co-stars.I was really hoping to see Judd Hirsch, you know?
At the Hydra booth, Tito’s girlfriend stops by.That girlfriend?Why, it’s porn queen Jenna Jameson!You know, I’m aware of who she is and her role in pop culture, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen her.Sort of like “High School Musical” or Amy Winehouse.I know these things exist, but I have no actual experience with them.She looks, well, like you’d expect somebody who’s spent her adult life in porn to look.She pays $200 for a hot dog, which is really sort of a low-ball.And then, there’s a lengthy shot of Jenna Jameson enjoying a foot-long.It’s one of those moments when you have to ask: “Wait.Was that really on my TV?”For just a second, I felt like a bad person for having my brain go there, but all eleven people who watched this show thought the same thing.Yep, porn star eating a hot dog in prime time.Nice.Now, another spunkybean writer was upset by the inclusion of that shot, as Jenna apparently has not, in her entire career, ever done a deep throat scene.I’m not going to name names, as I DO Not think that would be relevant.
Meanwhile, Gene’s first contact shows up.He is apparently a young Martin Short.Gene actually leads him by the hand to the hot dog cart and Piers announces into the megaphone that a big business deal is happening.Only those two could make a charitable donation seem so shameful.Some more high-rollers show up, and then Gene explains to the camera:“It is not the vacuum cleaner that gets sold.It is the vacuum cleaner salesman that sells the vacuum cleaner.I’m the salesman, baby.”I could not hate him more if he were made of genocide and puppy abusers.Piers explains that they could lose if the women had one very rich person buy a $100,000 hot dog.Remember this, because it’s very important when it comes to manufacturing a ridiculous reason to fire Tiffany.Was that a spoiler?Whatever, it’s not like you watched it.
Over at Empresario, Jennie calls Mets third baseman David Wright in.Omarosa totally has no idea who he is.He offers to buy out their cart and give away free hot dogs, which is really cool of him.Of course, they never mention an amount.It may be that he’s buying them at street value. Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t reflect poorly on him.His only connection to Jennie seems to be that they play a similar sport.What’s he supposed to do, spend $10,000 on hot dogs?Dude’s buying them out and giving out free hot dogs.That’s above and beyond what you can reasonably expect, I would think.
In the Boardroom, we find out that Empresario made $17,000 while Hydra made $52,000.Trump calls that “a drubbing”, which makes me laugh.Omarosa concedes, which seems largely unnecessary when she has quantifiably lost.Trump mentions that the women didn’t use their celebrity.Possibly because they don’t have that much to use.Also, the fact that the Project Manager told them not to do so may be significant.
Trumps asks Piers who the weakest performer was on Empresario.Huh?How the hell would he know?He identifies Omarosa, and the two back-and-forth about which one is less famous.Hey, you crazy kids, you’re both obscure.Piers claims that he’s on the top-rated summer show.Is it really the top-rated summer show, or is this like when Trump claims that The Apprentice is the highest-rated show on television?Omarosa claims that she was implementing the strategy of her marketing team.I assume that team was the angel and devil who appeared on her shoulder offscreen and determined that they wouldn’t exploit their celebrity status.
The men get to go and watch the women in the Boardroom on closed-circuit TV, which is kind of cool.That would have been an interesting gimmick in other seasons.I’m kind of sad that they don’t get one of the traditional rewards, which always turn out to be something that rich people on cartoons would do.You know, “You’re going to eat strawberries on the beach while a blind piano player serenades you.”It would have been great if the losers had to sleep in tents, too.In another retarded baby duckling moment, Trump explains to the men that they have to go back to their room in order to watch the TV in their room.At least two of the men look grateful for the explanation.All of the money raised goes to Stephen’s charity, a breast cancer fund in honor of his mother.I applaud that, but don’t you think Trump or Burnett could have made a matching donation?Just saying…
Once the men have left, it gets weird.Omarosa’s all over the place with celebrity status and how it’s a bad idea to exploit sex appeal but it was also bad that Tiffany didn’t exploit her sex appeal.She also implies that appearing in “Playboy” is tantamount to prostitution.Trump decides that Tiffany should have called Hugh Hefner to buy a hot dog.I do like her point that she was waiting for a later task to play that particular card.Plus, Hugh Hefner is 1,000 years old and half out of his mind.If you call him on Tuesday to come buy a hot dog on Wednesday, he’s not going to show up.He won’t remember the call as soon as you’re off the phone.Also, if he leaves the Mansion, he loses all of his power.
Then the blame turns to Carol, for picking a terrible location.Apparently, it was too touristy.Because tourists visiting New York wouldn’t have money.That’s crazy talk!They just came to spend twelve dollars on a Broadway show.So stupid…Besides that, I would think tourists would be your best market.You get off the train from Ohio, and right away, there are celebrities selling hot dogs.That would blow your mind!I’d think tourists would pay more, just to be part of what seems like the New York experience.
Back to Retarded Baby Ducklings (which will be the title of my first album), as Trump tells Omarosa to pick two teammates for the final Boardroom (Tiffany and Carol), and then goes through this lengthy set of instructions to convey the idea that everybody else can leave.Pretty simple concept, I would think.The men’s TV shuts off at this point, and they are upset.Probably because now they’ll have to listen to Gene Simmons talk.
In the final Boardroom, Omarosa is condescending and spiteful as ever.You can tell Tiffany is just over the whole thing already.She’s this close to just flat-out giving the camera a Jim Halpert.Carol has the Eye of the Tiger through this whole sequence.It’s kind of scary.Watch out, man.Carol Alt will cut you. (And that’s the first single off of “Retarded Baby Ducklings”.)Once again, Trump comes back to selling Hugh Hefner a hot dog.Of all the weird obsessions he’s developed in the Boardroom, this may be the weirdest.The world’s problems could have been solved if only Hugh Hefner had bought a freaking hot dog!Anyway, Trump can’t shake this idea, so Tiffany is fired for not selling Hugh Hefner a hot dog.
I am sad, because Tiffany seemed remarkably normal and likeable.Do you know who’s not sad?Tiffany!
Next week, according to a promo that showed video for American Gladiators but the audio for Celebrity Apprentice, Gene runs afoul of Ivanka and is chemically castrated, and then actually castrated.At least, I’m crossing my fingers that that’s the case.
