They’re dancing the samba, and Karina is dressed like a Big Bird-themed stripper. I’m not sure what to say about their performance. It’s always kind of hard to see the first dance, when I’m not exactly sure what I should be looking for. (Whatever happened to those weekly tutorials?) The beginning looks really clumsy to me, but I’m not quite in the samba groove just yet. It seems like his feet are out of step with hers, and the holds and releases look awkward. It’s like they’re dancing on a much smaller floor than usual, so they have to compact it. It looks better by the end, but it’s still very restrained. I was led to believe this was the Sexiest Night on Television, dammit!
For some reason, they’re dancing to “A-Tisket, A-Tasket”. The hell? They’re just going for public domain songs now? Is somebody else going to get “B-I-N-G-O”?
Len makes fun of Mario’s nickname. He says it was Mario’s best dance so far, but he still needs to work on his footwork. Bruno talks about Mario’s hips, and sort of goes for a dirty reference about Karina’s method, but it just dies. Anyway, he says it was classic. Carrie Ann likes that it wasn’t distracting, and talks about his smooth spirit. Mario is seriously sweating. Like a fat man at a chili cook-off, he’s sweating.
Samantha asks what Mario learned from Stevie Wonder, and Mario reiterates what we already heard Stevie say. It’d be nice if Samantha watched the show, you know?
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 9, Len – 9, Bruno – 9 TOTAL: 27 Wow, I was out of sync with the judges this time. Maybe sambas are supposed to start small and expand, like those dinosaur sponges.
Now it’s Priscilla Presley and Louis. Tom brings up last week’s lift controversy, and Carrie Ann still looks mad about it. I think Carrie Ann believes that every time somebody does a lift, a kitten drowns. Then the video segment starts with footage of the lift. In practice, their rumba is not going so smoothly, and they’re snapping at each other. Louis tells her not to ask questions and to stop thinking. They argue about whether Louis is pushing too hard, and he talks a lot about “flow”. And yet, nobody ever thinks about ebb. In some of the rehearsal footage, they look pretty good, and I find myself wishing I could like Priscilla. And then I realize this is the longest training segment ever in which nothing happens, and I’m bitter. You’ve got to give me a celebrity guest or a hilarious mishap to keep my attention.
Priscilla is wearing giant county fair bracelets. She nails the splits early on, which is really something for somebody who predates Sputnik. It’s slow, and it doesn’t really knock me out for the most part. When they break hold, it seems like instead of doing rumba moves, they’re doing other dance moves, only really slow. Perhaps the rumba is traditionally performed underwater. There’s also a seriously weird turn in there where they both had different ideas as to where it was going to end. At the end, though, is a very cool move that’s hard to describe. She has one of her legs up at Louis’ waist, and then leans way back, and then be pulls her forward, and her weird looking stance becomes a hold with no additional movement on her part. Like I said, it’s hard to describe, but it looks great.
Bruno describes her as “available, yet reassuringly expensive”, which is awesome. He thinks the slow pace exposed her weaknesses, and she’s overstepped. Carrie Ann says she was thinking too much. Well, you know, she’s trying to cure a lot of stuff. Len leads with the simple “disappointed”, and he looks a little angry. He chastises her for heel leads, and every time I think I know what a heel lead is, I turn out to be wrong. Clearly, whatever they are, they are a personal affront to Len. Carrie Ann and Bruno argue with him, even though they didn’t like the dance either. While the pair heads backstage, Tom promises that future results shows will feature Ashlee Simpson and Def Leppard. And that is the first time those two have ever been used in a sentence together, ever.
The other dancers are cheering for Priscilla and Louis. Mostly Fabian, strangely. Samantha leads there interview by saying “Last week, you chose to break the rules with a lift…” They chose to break the rules? They’re the modern day Bonny and Clyde! Priscilla says that missing the turn threw her off, but Louis assures us they’ll shake things up next week. Putting the cart before the horse there, I think. When you’re second to last, only beating out the guy who rode a unicycle, you don’t want to make bold statements about next week. SCORES: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 7, Bruno – 7 TOTAL: 21 I like the way the judges argue and then give them exactly the same score.
OK, now we’ve got Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony. Now, this week Myndi told me about some health issues that make it hard to make fun of Marissa. At least until she starts over-emoting, and then it gets easier. Anyway, she also told me that Marissa’s husband writes for King of the Hill, and that gets her extra points from me. I’m easy.
Marissa tells us that the samba is “all about shaking your tushy”. Between “tushy” and “poopy”, we’ve got some serious regression going on this week. Tony tells her that nobody cares about her feet, and it’s all about the booty. That is a weird thing to tell somebody when you’re teaching them to dance. Marissa keeps making a sour face, and then we see her wearing a giant headdress and dancing with multiple umbrellas. OK, wearing the headdress in the car is pretty funny. I’m going to assume her husband came up with that one when he wasn’t busy finding ways to make Hank Hill uncomfortable. Marissa refers to them as “the little engine that could”, and says she’ll “put the sass back in samba”. Yeah, the samba had sort of lost its zest there. Thank God somebody’s going to rescue it from nursing homes and quilting bees!
There is a lot of purple going on in their wardrobe, and Tony is wearing a vest with no shirt. Don’t even act like you’re surprised. It’s a bad start when her shaking looks like a full-body dry heave, but it picks up. I actually think it looks better if you ignore Tony, because she seems to be out of sync with him, but it you just watch Marissa, she seems to be doing pretty well. She’s not as flexible as the other women on the show, but she’s really working here. I think in a lot of ways, this looks better than Mario’s samba. There’s sort of this unbridled fun – not really sloppy, but not quite as measured either. Plus, her emotions seem kind of genuine this time, instead of theatrical. Good job, Marissa!
Carrie Ann says she was “working it”, and it was her best routine so far. She also says her musicality was off in the beginning, which is just the way that professional judges say “full-body dry heave”. Len says “more bounce to the ounce”, which is a phrase I’ve only ever really seen printed on mud flaps. Bruno also liked it, and for a change sounds like the least crazy of the three. When we come back, Tom makes fun of Carrie Ann’s dress, which he says seems to include a WWF belt. Hee.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 8, Len – 8, Bruno – 8 TOTAL: 24 Samantha asks what they’ll do to get 9’s next week, and Marissa says “More”. I don’t know if that was intentionally funny or inadvertently funny. Either way, I laughed.
And now it’s Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl. We see a clip from last week where he’s dressed like the Crow and screaming. There’s not nearly enough yelling in ballroom. Cristian is happy that his Latin blood is finally dancing through his veins. Cristian really wants to get that stereotype going, that all Latinos are great dancers. Cheryl tells Cristian he looks too feminine. He says it’s hard to be manly and soft at the same time. He clearly does not use Brawny paper towels. He makes a lion face, which is pretty funny. There’s some weird stuff going on in that guy’s head. Cheryl says that the romance in the rumba is hard for them, because they’re like brother and sister. A brother and sister who hump. (She does not actually say this last part.) There’s a funny bit that’s set up like a telenovela and the only thing Cheryl can say in Spanish is “Si”.
Their rumba is really good, actually. It’s the first dance tonight where the couple is good both in hold and out, I think. Cheryl’s outfit is one of those really filmy, segmented skirts that keeps flying up and making me think that I just saw something I wasn’t meant to see. It’s not necessarily faster than Priscilla’s rumba, but it’s way more fun to watch. Cristian has some really nice foot work, and the choreography is really good. This is the first dance all night that’s actually sexy. Cristian has really come a long way, because he is actually contributing to the dance, rather than serving as Cheryl’s prop.
Len calls it “competent”, and assures them it wasn’t “gruesome to watch”. He doesn’t like their arms. Bruno loves their chemistry, but they need to caress the floor, which he demonstrates on Len. Carrie Ann disagrees, and says they lack chemistry and that it wasn’t sexy. The judges and I are just butting heads tonight.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 7, Len – 8, Bruno – 8 TOTAL: 23
Well, at this point, technology rebelled against me, and my DVR crapped out on me. I missed the next three dances entirely. It turns out, I was able to find Kristi Yamaguchi’s dance on an Asian fetish website within minutes after the show ended. Man, those fetishists work fast.
Anyway, the next three performances will be brought to you by my conjoined recapping twin, Myndi. As I understand it, vomiting was involved at one point. Last week she ended up with a unicycle, and now it’s food poisoning. Thanks, EJ. Asian fetish website, huh? I guess I misjudged you a bit, my friend!
