Previously on Dancing with the Stars: We started the season with an unprecedented sixteen celebrities. Ashley Hamilton was eliminated before we figured out who he was, and Macy Gray went home before she realized she was on TV. Kathy Ireland was too bland to stick around, and Tom DeLay coasted on the power of Cheryl until his feet gave out. Debi Mazar was entirely average, while Chuck Liddell was a weird spectacle with an adorable partner. I remember liking Natalie Coughlin, but I can’t remember anything else about her.
Melissa Joan Hart learned that elimination was nothing compared to getting busted by Jimmy Kimmel. Louie Vito was inexplicably popular. Michael Irvin was funny fun to watch. Marc “Sensei Ping” Dacascos was awesome, except that he wasn’t so much dancing as doing karate with a musical accompaniment. Aaron Carter angered Myndi for most of the season, and America pulled through and gave Joanna Krupa the boot. That leaves us with Mya, Kelly Osbourne, and Donny Osmond as our final three.
Carrie Ann still cares about lifts more than is strictly healthy. Len is still cranky and uses a lot of dated British expressions. Bruno is clinging loosely to his sanity, and sort of made out with Donny at one point. Samantha Harris didn’t make any hilarious mistakes, and Tom Bergeron kept the whole thing moving right along. Myndi and EJ recapped, and Myndi had to explain every single musical guest to EJ. Oh, also the Muppets stopped by.
Doesn’t it feel like this season began in 2007? That’s a lot of people!
Since this finale is a whopping two hours, we’re splitting up the recap. EJ has the first hour, and Myndi has the second. Are you ready to crown the new winner of the Mirrorball Trophy? Are you? Well, cool your jets, because there’s a whole lot of filler to get through before that happens.
And in case you were wondering, it’s LIIIIIIIVVVVEEE!!!!
Dude, they totally showed the Muppets in the opening. Let me be more specific – they showed Statler and Waldorf. If they appear, this will be the best finale ever. Especially if Tom points out their resemblance to Len.
The thirteen eliminated pairs are introduced, and Macy Gray is talking to herself on camera. Her head is a weird place to be, I’ll bet. Then the finalists run the gauntlet, and Kelly gets way behind because she stops to talk to so many people. Awwww.
There’s a technical gaffe in the clips package, where a recap of Kelly’s performance from last night is interrupted by a lengthy still frame of the back of Miss Piggy’s head. Well, I think we definitely have Muppet confirmation. Tom throws it to commercial, because what else is he going to do?
Back from commercial, they start afresh with last night’s recap. Since Myndi was funnier and also didn’t have to start over again, I don’t need to re-recap it here.
Holy crap, it’s Whitney Houston! She’s become sort of an urban legend for me, like it’s hard to believe she’s a real person anymore. The years have been rough on her – her voice is getting pretty ragged, and she’s letting the backup singers carry most of the load, and there’s at least one point when I’m convinced that she’s lip-syncing anyway. Her stage presence is really hurting, she looks at the ground most of the time and she occasionally points to random people. It’s really hard to connect modern day, sweaty Whitney with old-time Whitney, and it makes me sad. (Well, she’s always been sweaty. I saw her in ’87, and it was the same. But now it’s just…sadder.–Myndi)
