Backstage, Jerry Rice, Adam Carolla, Jerry Springer, and Cloris Leachman are waiting with this season’s dancers. Samantha Harris reminds us of the Loser’s Club, and this actually appears to be the exact same footage as the first results show of the season, but it’s pretty funny. The first eliminees talk about their elite society, and it’s all a lead in to Jeffrey Ross getting ready to induct Ashley Hamilton into the Loser’s Club. Jeff gives him a sequined jacket and rips on him. Ashley and Edyta then dance to “Simply the Best”, and Jeff tells him to go out there and give it his full 20%. Halfway through the dance, Ashley drops Edyta to dance with Jeff, which is actually kind of funny. Mostly because Edyta has this really over-the-top reaction. She’s pretty great. Then Ashley kisses Bruno, because that’s what we do this season.
Next up, it’s another clips package from the first three weeks of the season. Remember how Baz Lurhrman was a guest judge and he loved everything and everyone? I had forgotten the insane version of “Roxanne” that they used. The segment ends with Aaron crying. Kathy Ireland, Debi Mazar, and Macy Gray dance one last time, mostly to remind you why they went home so early. (Observation? Macy moves like a Sleestak.–Myndi)
There’s another clip package where they talk about the flu, and we’re reminded that Tom DeLay is going to do the dance that he didn’t get to finish. Then we get a clip of Maks giving Miss Piggy a massage backstage. Yep, I’m officially sold.
And now it’s time for Cheryl and Tom do dance a Texas Two-Step, which I don’t believe is a real thing. And it is not good. Tom’s basically walking the whole time. But this is a good reminder of how much I love Cheryl. Hi Cheryl! I’m not holding this mess against you. (Um, was Tom wearing Toughskins?–Myndi)
They now present clips from the second three weeks, including the Group Hustle, complete with dorky wigs. Chuck and Mark dance their final dances to a Foreigner mix. Anna jumps on Chuck’s shoulders from behind, and it looks like she’s trying to tackle him. Mark roundhouse kicks God, and then he and Chuck face off in a martial arts dance. I really like this part.
Commercials. You know what’s weird about that new Tobey Maguire movie, Brothers? The whole movie seems to be ripped off from a subplot in The Cider House Rules. Know who starred in the movie version of Cider House Rules? Tobey Maguire. You’d think that at some point he’d be like, “You know, this seems awfully familiar.” (I really thought it was more like Pearl Harbor. I remember laughing out loud when Josh Hartnett died in that movie because he actually looked at Ben Affleck and said, “it’s so cold!”–Myndi)
In the next segment, the finalists get advice from Adam Carolla. Adam acts irritated that Donny is friends with the women, since they’re “the enemy”. Adam has a great line about Kelly “If you live in America, how come you sound like Madonna”. Also he says that the trophy is coming back to Utah “where, ironically, dancing is illegal”. Ha! Adam makes Donny hand over his guyliner, then talks about how the “hard living” Mormon lifestyle has broken him down, and then offers a prayer to the Lord of the Dance. OK, that was funny. I was not wild about Carolla when he was actually a contestant, but every appearance he’s made on the show after that has been terrific. I hope he shows up on DanceCenter sometime, because that would just be ideal. (I couldn’t agree more!–Myndi)
Natalie and Alec have their final dance, and we’re reminded that she was quite good. She just doesn’t register a lot of emotion, so it’s hard to feel motivated to vote for her.
Now we look back over the next few weeks of the competition, including the Dance Marathon, when Joanna used Rickety Cricket’s exoskeleton to help her support the keg around her neck. And then Rory broke up with Dean. You know, if you write an episode of a TV show around a Dance Marathon, it will be awesome. (Damn Jess.–Myndi)
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas do their last dance, and she’s pretty good as well. I’m not saying she should be in the finals, but she’s surprisingly good.
Next, the judges talk about the finalists. Mostly, they say many of the things that they’ve been saying when they score them all season. With that, Tom brings the finalists to the floor. This is followed by a clip package of Louis and Kelly, and this is mostly stuff that we’ve seen previously. It does seem like this was kind of a huge thing for Kelly Osbourne, and it’s really sweet. I like her a lot, and I didn’t expect to.
And now that it’s time for Kelly’s final dance, I’m turning the reins over to Myndi. She’ll be handling everything that actually affects the outcome, plus the Muppets. Take it away, Myndi…
Sorry about you not getting to recap the Muppets, EJ! Kelly & Louis waltz to “Trouble” again and it’s lovely as ever. Even Jack cracks a smile. And there’s Latoya trying to glom onto everything again. (I guess she’s there in sister Amy’s place? I understood not wanting to be on the reality show, but what’s the deal with not coming to the ballroom to support your baby sis?) There were a couple bits where Kelly might have gotten in her head a little, but she’s just a doll. That’s the thing about this show for her…it’s quite obvious her emotions are genuine and the way she’s won people over means she’s going to get the biggest PR bounce in the world from this experience. The audience is chanting her name and she gets choked up. Len says he’ll miss her most. Did he just become Dorothy to her Scarecrow? Bruno calls her a ballroom princess and is happy for her new found confidence. Carrie Ann is crying when she says Kelly touched her. Louis’ chin is trembling during her critique. Wow, Kelly has been a great story, for sure.
Next, we get Maya’s little journey package. Suffice it to say it’s nowhere near as emotionally potent as Kelly’s. They’re doing their jive to that “Would You Go to Bed with Me?” song. I do think this time around she put a little more spunk into it, so good on her. Bruno praises her high standards. Carrie Ann says she set the pace all season and is glad she’s not as shy anymore. Len says he never doubted her talent, and tells her she’s fantastic.
Finally, it’s Donny’s trip down memory lane. It’s clear that Donny and Kym have fun together, despite some of their ups and downs in the competition. Kym’s now an honorary Osmond. It’s a very sweet little moment between them. I really like her and would be pleased for her to finally get a title. She had to deal with Penn Jillette after all. They do their Argentine tango again and it’s as solid as it was the first time. As Carrie Ann says, it was “artistry in motion”. Len praises his performing week after week. Bruno says he was very believable as a “smooth operator”.
As the judges work on their ranking for this round, the crowd chants “Donny!” Backstage, Kelly says she’ll miss Louis so much she might stalk him. Mya agrees that she’ll miss it, too and Donny seems very serious that it’s one of his favorite experiences in his long career. The rankings are up; Kelly is visibly bummed to be third again, but Mya is second and Donny and Kym are thrilled to take first place. A preview of things to come? Maybe…
Back live, Tom mentions the 20th anniversary of America’s Funniest Home Videos which…well, I don’t really know what to say about that. Moving on. Now Louie and Chelsie are here to dance to “Puppy Love” as sung by Mr. Donny Osmond himself. It goes from a dance to Louis doing a floor exercise at the U.S. Gymnastics championships or something, but it’s not bad all in all. Does the use of this song mean something? Samantha squashes that rumor right away but asks Louis for feedback on the finalists even though he can hardly breathe.
Here’s a preview of Michael Irvin vs. Jerry Rice. Apparently, Michael used to call Jerry “Jesus in cleats”, and he’s always been chasing him, according to Jerry. They both ended up winning three Superbowls, and you could certainly argue about who was the better wide receiver, but I’m afraid Jerry’s going to kill Michael at dance. Then again, he’s been hanging out with Kenny Mayne and Len doing DanceCenter for some time now, so maybe he’s rusty.
Michael and Anna D. come out in Cowboys colors and Jerry and Anna T. come out in 49ers colors to dance the Paso doble to the Monday Night Football theme. They seem pretty even, but I think the way Jerry finishes is far superior to Michael’s ending. They end up wrestling over a gold football. It’s up to the judges to decide who gets the “mirrorball ring”. Len announces that Michael is the winner and Anna T. actually rolls her eyes. Tom quiets everyone and Len announces that Jerry won “the battle of the bodies”, whatever that means. Well, that was all more than a little stupid.
Going to break, Samantha shows us a waiting Cloris, Woz and Jerry Springer in the red room. Why are we doing this again? Then, Miss Piggy shows up and acts rings around Samantha Harris; not that this is a difficult task, mind you, but she does.
Oh, joy, it’s Aaron and Karina. At least they’re doing their quickstep to the Muppet Theme. EJ’s dream then comes true…Statler and Waldorf are there, in the balcony, and the one who looks like Len shouts “I love him!” Statler (or is it Waldorf?) says, “who, Aaron Carter?” and the other says, “No; the judge in the middle. He looks like me!” Now, all that’s left is for someone on Lost to refer to Ben as “Benry” and he can die a happy man.
Tom interviews Aaron by himself and it’s more about how he’s grown and changed and wants to set an example for young adults “from here on out.” Where did Karina have to be? Oh, wait, she must be dancing with Woz (poor thing) in the reprise of the Dance Marathon, which is begun by Miss Piggy interviewing Cloris, Jerry, Woz and Joanna (whom she calls “Skinny Minny”) backstage. Cloris makes a swine flu joke. Miss Piggy threatens her. Jerry says he’s the only one who doesn’t eat pork. Woz makes me uncomfortable. Joanna lies that she can’t keep up with Cloris. Really, Piggy’s much better than Samantha.
Here’s the competition mambo we’ve all likely been dreading. Cloris stands there while Corky shakes her. Woz plays with Karina’s boa (thankfully, that’s not a euphemism). Jerry dances like your drunk uncle at a wedding and Tom wonders when Derek will have Joanna simulate oral again. (OK, he says “head bob”). It gets down to Joanna versus Woz and he sees fit to bust out The Worm. OK, I must give kudos to Joanna for making Derek do the head bob to wrap things up.
Before we can get to the actual results, Whitney is back, in a new dress, to perform “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”. You know, it’s just sad to see what it’s come to for her. I mean, she’s gotten through hell, and she’s managed not to go broke, or, you know, die, but her voice, which used to be magnificent, is a shadow of it’s former self. She can’t even hit all the notes on this song, which is probably one of her less difficult ones. She’s resorting to a lot of sing-talking. Seriously, if you YouTube a couple vintage Whitney performances after you listen to this, you might cry. On the plus side, the entire cast of pros is dancing with her and they are all incredible. See you in March, gang.
Finally, some results! Who’s in third place? Kelly and Louis, which seemed like a foregone conclusion. Kelly thanks America for the opportunity and her chance to grow each week. Tom says how much fun she was to watch each week. As I said before, she’ll get big things out of this if she wants them.
Down on the ballroom floor, we are about to crown a new champ. Donny and Kym win and I’m delighted for them both. She’s deserved this for a while. He proves to be a super class act by scooping up his wife and bringing her onto the floor with he and Kym. After a quick interview with Samantha & Mya (and Donny coming over to hug her), Donny and Kym, along with his entire clan, hoist the trophy. Just as I was about to ask where Marie was, Donny actually went into the crowd to grab her. I’m amazed she had to be pulled on camera!
Well, another season is in the books. Didn’t it take FOREVER? Here’s hoping the number of contestants doesn’t grow any more for next season. Wouldn’t it be even better if the number didn’t end in “teen”? A girl can dream, right? Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
