Cody Linley–This kid is being billed as a “star” of Disney monolith Hannah Montana. The truth is that he was on a handful of episodes as a kid the Hannah/Miley dated named Jake Ryan. (Obviously, the writers of HM saw Sixteen Candles as many times as I did.) Anyhow, I don’t know squat about this guy, and neither does anyone else. He will be skating along on the coattails of DWTS legend and budding country music superstar Julianne Hough for at least the first few weeks. If it turns out he’s not a complete moron and can actually dance, he could be a sleeper.
Rocco DiSpirito–I thought perhaps we’d seen the last of Rocco after the majestic belly flop that was his reality show The Restaurant, but here he is, like a bad penny. I believe he has learned to control his pasta intake in recent years, and gotten into better shape, but I don’t know if there are exercises one can do to decrease the size of one’s ego. He will be partnering Karina Smirnoff, who regularly sports what can only be referred to as “bitchface”, but for whom I have developed some sympathy after the way Mario Lopez treated her. Either way, I can’t see this team being a contender.
Cloris Leachman–At 82, I believe she’s DWTS’ oldest competitor! If you caught Cloris on the recent Bob Saget roast, then you know she still has a great sense of humor and comic timing. However, timing on the dance floor may be a different story. Me, I’m just waiting for Cloris and partner Corky Ballas (father of fellow pro, Mark Ballas) to do a routine where she gets to dress as Frau Blucher and horses whinny just off stage. I realize I am probably alone in this. Regardless, she’s a TV legend, Emmy Winner and all around cool lady, so I can’t snark much at this point. She was The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Facts of Life, for goodness sake!
Susan Lucci–Apparently, La Lucci was so impressed by what All My Children castmate and DWTS alum Cameron Mathison had to say when he came to work, that she just had to try it for herself! She may be gettin’ up there, but she certainly has something close to a dancer’s body, plus she’s pocket sized and sort of a human bobblehead. OK, sometimes, she scares me a little. She and Tony may be a difficult couple for me to deal with week to week, since I have this deep-seated dislike for him that I can’t figure out. The bottom line is if there is such a thing as a built-in soap opera fan base, Lucci is its poster child. She will cruise through the early weeks, then either morph into a major contender or fall apart, and I can’t tell until I see her in action.
Misty May-Treanor–After the President of the United States has come inches from smacking your ass on a beach, it would seem the only suitable prize is to appear on this show. Well, that and a gold medal. Coming off the Beijing Games, Treanor is a big name for this season and has the athleticism required to do very well. Tall women don’t always succeed (hi, Monica Seles!) but then again, we had Stacy Keibler way back when. Luckily for Misty, she’s paired with Maks, who is the most arrogant of the pros, but he earns it on the dance floor. Plus, they can relate to each other when it comes to performing their respective jobs in very little clothing.
Misty May-Treanor–After the President of the United States has come inches from smacking your ass on a beach, it would seem the only suitable prize is to appear on this show. Well, that and a gold medal. Coming off the Beijing Games, Treanor is a big name for this season and has the athleticism required to do very well. Tall women don’t always succeed (hi, Monica Seles!) but then again, we had Stacy Keibler way back when. Luckily for Misty, she’s paired with Maks, who is the most arrogant of the pros, but he earns it on the dance floor. Plus, they can relate to each other when it comes to performing their respective jobs in very little clothing.
Warren Sapp–Oh good, another football player! I don’t know much about Warren Sapp as a person, except that he played Defensive tackle and that’s he’s one big dude. Of course, the three previous NFL stars that have competed on this show have either made it to the finals or won the thing, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at the trend. This will be Kym Johnson’s first time partnering one of them, so we’ll assume it is a favor for having had to deal with Penn Gillette’s giant feet and non-stop yammering last time around. I will predict that, much like the soap star perk, being an NFL star gives you automatic votes as well, and Sapp will be around for a while. I just hope he’s entertaining.
Kim Kardashian–I have saved this one for last, as I have dreaded it. First of all, let’s hope they are paying the wardrobe people extra for all the overtime that’s going to be required to custom make the garments for Kim’s, um, unique proportions. I really am exasperated that someone who’s singular claim to fame is a sex tape has garnered a reality show and a stint on a program some people would have previously considered classy entertainment. No more, now that Kim’s making the scene. Word is, she’s already injured, so we’re sure to see all the drama of ambulances and ERs and so forth on the premiere next month. Then again, her partner, Mark Ballas is good at working through injuries, so she may be lucky in that regard. Good luck getting me to like you, Kardashian. I’ve actively avoided your reality show (only ever seeing clips of it on The Soup) and now you are clearly stalking me, in need of my approval. Have at it! I won’t go quietly!
