EJ’s Snap Judgements:
Jason Taylor, Defensive end for the Miami Dolphins, a team which I understand had a very bad season. Within about ten minutes of the announcement, my sister sent me an e-mail that said merely “I love Jason Taylor”, so I think I’ll end up having to vote for him. He’s won a lot of awards, including a leadership award and a humanitarian award. By all accounts he’s a great guy, and Sports Illustrated named him one of 2001’s sexiest athletes. (I can’t believe that’s something SI keeps track of.) I assume he hasn’t totally let himself go in the intervening time. Athletes are either really good on this show, or sort of disastrous. You can be Emmitt Smith, or you can be Clyde Drexler. I suspect he’ll be really good – he’s still in the prime of his career so he’s not going to have those awkward “getting back in shape” weeks. Plus, athletes tend to draw a lot of votes. He’ll be around for a while. Edyta Sliwinska is his partner. While she doesn’t seem to have the fan following of some of the other professionals, she always makes her partners look good. George Hamilton didn’t make it as far as he did on his own, after all. She’s had a couple of cannon fodder partners over the years, so I hope she gets a good run out of this. By the way, Edyta’s the only one who’s danced in every season. This is not something I should know off the top of my head.
Mario, This one was a big surprise. Mario certainly doesn’t have a dancer’s body. Sure, he can get some serious air, so this could be a Cameron Mathison-style exhibition. Still, I can’t imagine he has time to practice, with all the time he spends protecting the Mushroom Kingdom… Oh, not that Mario? OK, this Mario is an R&B singer. I’m not familiar with him, but he looks a little like a young Chris Rock, at least in the one picture I can find. His mother is addicted to heroin, and if you think that’s not going to come up the week after he finds himself in the Bottom Two then you, my friend, have never seen reality TV. His partner is Karina Smirnoff, who’ll be sporting a brand new nose. Wow, that’s two partners named Mario for Karina. “Mario and Karina” just rolls off the tongue, you know? Of course, the original Mario and Karina were doing more than dancing, if you know what I mean. (And if you don’t, I mean they were humping.) Now, I always assume musicians are going to be really good on this show, because I apparently think singing and dancing are exactly the same thing. I had no idea this person existed three days ago, and within the first few shows, I will have strong opinions.
Marlee Matlin, Somebody’s got to say it: She’s deaf. That would seem to be a serious drawback in this competition. I understand that she can feel the beat, even if Carrie Ann didn’t make the rounds on every entertainment show to explain the concept. (Lady, we get it. If you start irritating me before the season even starts, there’s not much hope for us.) Regardless, not hearing the music has to make it more difficult. And then there’s the increased difficulty of the training sessions. Especially if it’s a messy practice, and he asks Marlee to sweep with him. (Yeah, I went there!) She really is quite good at communicating, and she’s got a heck of a sense of humor. And let’s be honest, even if she’s terrible, she’s going to coast for a few weeks. I hope she’s actually good, because that would be really cool to watch. Her partner, Fabian Sanchez, is a newbie. I’m not sure if new professionals fit into my worldview. I view everybody introduced after Julianne with a measure of suspicion. Plus, Fabian Sanchez? There’s no way that’s a real name. Dude’s in Witness Protection.
Monica Seles, Technically, she’s best known as a tennis player, but I can’t get past the fact that she was stabbed by a crazed Steffi Graf fan in 1993. Do you think they’ll bring that up? Oh, they’ll bring it up. (Bruno: “You need to extend your arms more.” Monica: “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s sort of hard because A CRAZY DUDE STABBED ME!”) And according to Wikipedia, she announced her retirement from tennis this month. Did she end her 18-year career for this show? That’s probably not a wise move. I mean, best case scenario, you get a trophy. The other thing I know about her is that her opponents used to complain about her loud grunting during play. Wouldn’t it be awesome if that somehow worked its way into this competition? You just wait for that first group dance, when she lets loose and everybody gets distracted and Kristi Yamaguchi falls on her head. Her partner is Jonathan Roberts, who has so far danced with a one-legged drama queen, and a lady who faints and sometimes dresses like a doll. He’s had a tough row to hoe. He’s exceptional at covering up his partners’ weaknesses, like not having a leg. And lest you feel too sorry for him, he’s married to my Dancing with the Stars girlfriend. I will destroy him.
Penn Jillette, Oy. I really should like him. He’s a magician and comedian, and he’s got plenty of nerd cred. And yet, I can’t stand him. He’s abrasive and unfunny, and he’s so impressed with himself. More to the point here, he’s a big dude who’s not exactly light on his feet. He’s a little…. Frankenstinian. Also, he has a ponytail. It’s weird how an ironic ponytail is exactly as toolish as an un-ironic ponytail. It’s not likely to affect his dancing, but I can’t let a ponytail pass without comment. Between his likely disastrous dancing and his unpleasantness, I could see him being the first to go. He’s partnered with Kym Johnson, who may find herself longing for the days of Jerry Springer. I like Kym, but not enough to vote for this guy. And Kym is really tiny, even by dancer standards. At the very least, we’ll get a hilarious visual spectacle. FUN FACT: Penn has a daughter named Moxie Crimefighter.
Shannon Elizabeth, Has she done anything since the American Pie movies? I feel like I haven’t seen her in a very long time. I remember thinking she was hot back in those days, but I read an interview with her, and she came off as a complete pill. (That’s right, a pill. I am your grandfather.) This show has a way of making me like people I never thought I’d care about (Mel B., Apolo Ohno, Jerry Springer), though. Of course, it also sometimes disillusions me beyond belief. (Is it really possible for me to be tired of Jane Seymour? Yes. Yes it is.) As we’ve seen, simply being a pretty girl does not mean you have any dancing prowess whatsoever. (I still miss the ‘deceptively unfit’ Josie Maran.) Officially, I am uncommitted on Shannon Elizabeth. Actually, I’m not completely convinced that I can pick her out of a crowd. So many surprises are waiting for me! Her partner is Derek Hough, who seems nice. Sure, dropping Jennie Garth wasn’t his shining moment, but he kept a straight face when Richard Simmons gave her a pep talk, so he made up for it. He’s only been on the one season, so he’s another question mark for me. Good dancer, looks like a Bobblehead. That’s all I’ve got.
