Jason Taylor & Edyta would start the night and we (I) learned that last week he was stiff and the judges all agree he needs to ‘dance more.’ So his signature ‘hulking’ and ‘rigid walking’, apparently having run their course, were going to force his ‘pro-handler’ to take extreme measures. Those measures? Jason would be going for personal lessons and learn some freestyle moves from a guy named Sho-Tyme who’s worked with Gloria Estefan and …well, there was Gloria Estefan and …well, other stars. What’s more, Sho-Tyme couldn’t even cancel a class and Jason Taylor did not get private lessons but was part of a stepper-jazzer-hip-hop exercise class or something. It was mayhem and everyone was droppin’ ‘E’ and then Sho-Tyme was makin’ moves on Edyta forcing Jason to step in and break them up and reprise his ‘hulking’ move. I wonder what he thinks he looks like in his head?
Jason and his ‘pro’ would be doing the Cha-Cha-Cha, a dance known for forcing the dancers to dance separated more so than other dances. To my untrained eye – ok, who am I kidding, I know this stuff. To my well-trained eye, Jason appeared to ‘lumber’, which is not helpful in dancing. I will cut him some slack, however, as he is 6’6” and 255 pounds. You’ll notice very few of the professional male dancers are that gigantic. As the evening moved on, I learned ‘wimpy’ was good, so Jason’s strong moves and physique simply aren’t conducive to ballroom dancing – hence, his ‘day job.’
Bruno told Jason he has a heroic, statuesque approach and Bruno would like to see him more exposed. He really said just that. But you watch the show, so you aren’t surprised. Lenny G said Jason captured the flavor but could see Jason counting (not bad considering he’s a football player …and I’d worry about offending football players with that zinger, but it’s not like dumb jocks are reading this or like they even can read this). And finally Carrie Ann said he needed to ‘be bigger’ and he’s suffering from ‘Big Man Syndrome’. Not exactly as tragic as being deaf or born with a club foot, but Big Man Syndrome is very real, and very dangerous. Its symptoms include dating cheerleaders, being picked first on sports teams, and posing a physical threat (real or imagined) to most other males you encounter. Very sad.
Oh, there’s more. There’s still and interview and scores. Jason acknowledged Sho-Tyme taught him some pretty sweet freestyle moves, but he’d be bustin’ those out later and for us all to vote him through to see said moves. Scores, scores, scores.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 8, Lenny G – 8, Bruno T. – 8
Now I’ve gone and spent way too much time on Jason Taylor and it must be because people like him, producers like him, and he’s interesting. Shannon Elizabeth didn’t get such favorable treatment, unless your name is Derek and you’re her pro-dancer-friend, and then you get very, very special treatment. Last week Shannon danced the Samba and nobody liked it. Naturally. Sambas suck, and everyone knows that. This week Shannon would, instead, be dancing the Rumba. Why doesn’t she have to do the Cha-Cha? If I hadn’t lent my Dummies Guide to Dancing With the Stars to my brother, I could tell you why the rules are such. We’ll just assume the producers know what they’re doing.
Shannon, like Jason before her, seemed to be struggling with some technical aspects of dance, in general. Jason went to a freestyle dance class while poor Shannon got to hula hoop on a beach. During my awkward years I pulled some pretty lame stunts in order to get a girl to fall head over heels, but nothing as pathetic as Derek’s beach-stunt. From the editing, it appears Shannon is just stupid enough to fall for this highly unclever, horribly unromantic stunt, but unfortunately all the hula hooping and sunset watching on the planet can’t make her move sexily. Yes, she’s dead sexy when standing still or being photographed, but this girl needed to be taking a stripper-dance class instead.
Derek was actually shirtless in their beach footage while they were frolicking and I officially would like to fight him.
Shannon and Dolt Derek danced their Samba to “True Colors” and I saw absolutely no point at which hula hooping would’ve helped. I was struck immediately by Derek’s incredibly moussed and mudded up coif and I liked him even less because of it. I was then struck by his ‘look-at-me’ body language that, basically, sabotaged everything Shannon was trying to do. I hate ‘look-at-me’ type people because they distract people from looking at me. The story line here appears to be Derek and Shannon might be dating and Derek is secretly hoping that if she is voted out sooner than later, he stands a better chance at sleeping with her. What a dick! This is where I condone bully tactics by a bully and he needs to be pushed down, laughed at, and his girl stolen. Oh, Jason, buddy. Got a sec?
Bruno liked their romantic interplay but said Shannon committed a cardinal sin of dance (are there cardinal sins in dance?) in that she had no hip action and that goes back to foot placement. Well, as I said, Derek placed his feet in the wrong places and she did good for having a bad partner who purposely didn’t lead her properly. Carrie Ann told her she had potential and Lenny G said she was stiff but good. In the post-dance interview Samantha asked them 4 or 5 different ways if they were shtupping or having a “shomance” (that’s show + romance for the less clever among you, also known as people-who-think-Tom-Bergeron-is-funny) and they refused to answer. Derek would say ‘yes’ and give you a sly smile while Shannon would laugh at the notion, I’m sure.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 8, Lenny G – 8, Bruno – 8
Wow…and they seemed to LOVE Jason and hate Shannon so this scoring is insane.
Marlee and Fabian boogied into our living rooms next. Well, not so much ‘boogied’ as Mambo’d into our living rooms. Last week they Samba’d, so this week they Mambo. ABC didn’t tell us what makes the Mambo unique, so I’ll tell you – its just like the Cha-Cha or Rumba, but much more focused on footwork. Perfect for a deaf woman who can only sense the deep bass notes and not much else, right? Gosh, I wish I hadn’t loaned that book to my brother, I really need to know why poor Marlee had to do a Mambo.
Before we get to her dance, we have to talk briefly about The Fonz. Jason went clubbing, Shannon went hula hooping, and Marlee got …to …see a friend? Sure, it’s the Fonz, but if they’re already friends, what’s the point? The Fonz told her he loved her, she was special, and she had an amazing spirit (I swear he gave that speech to Richie Cunningham before he left for the war), but what he really should’ve done if he wanted to help her was don the leather, snap his fingers, and make a miracle happen. Ayyyyyyyye!
As I suspected during the rehearsal footage, Marlee’s instructor, Fabian, confirmed wild-leg spasms mark the Mambo dance style and I could hardly watch because I felt so badly for Marlee. I watched the performance once with volume and then back again without volume and Fabian became the second Mancer (dancer + man, again, for the Bergeron devotees) I’d like to punch right in his perfectly straight teeth! Unless there’s a rule that, eventually, Marlee would have to dance a Mamba, this was like sending a lamb to a slaughter. Fabian dragged Marlee around, didn’t lead her with his hand nearly enough, and she was lost and tripping, and it was horrible.
All Carrie Ann could say was that she looked amazing (nobody looks good in leopard skin, sorry), Lenny G could only muster what an inspiration she was, and Bruno sort of said the same type things. Unlike the last handicapped person on the show whom the entire world hates, we like Marlee and it will be sad to see her leave tomorrow. OK, I’ll say it …she’s totally inspiring. Nobody I know who watches this show has been anything less than blown away by what she’s done. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to get good scores.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 7, Lenny G – 7, Bruno T – 7
Ouch. In the post-dance interview I was shocked to learn there’s a way to sign the word ‘ho-down’. Just a fun fact to impress your bank teller.
Cristian (cristy-YON) and Cheryl came next. Cristian thinks he, himself, is funny. He thinks he’s equally adept at physical comedy as he is at observational comedy, and he’s also a man of a million faces – 999,999 of those being lame, cheesy smiles. Since he sucks at dancing and doesn’t know The Fonz, Cristian was forced to dance in a pool to help him learn how to control his flailing arms. I actually think Cheryl wanted to drown him. The pool appeared to work because when they danced, Cristian De La Fuente didn’t appear spazzy at all. Cristian hoped that he would be known as De La Foxtrot instead of La Fuente based on his performance, but I’m guessing he’ll remain pretty much unknown by either name. Oh, crap. Now I know his name. Don’t look at me …I’m hideous (we miss you, EJ).
Their dance to Sinatra’s “Come Fly With Me” was quite good even if Cristian has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. I’m guessing no matter what they teach Cristian, he’s going to dance a waltz anyway. Which is what he did, tonight. But he was good enough that not a single judge called him out on missing the dance style completely (I wish I didn’t know this crap). Lenny G said if Cristian was in the bottom two he’d streak through a grocery store (Lenny G must’ve watched alotta Benny Hill in his day), Bruno called their performance an unexpected treat, and Carrie Ann called it refined.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 9, Lenny G – 9, Bruno – 9
This is going much longer than I had anticipated, but it is an hour-and-a-half worth of dancing and stars, banter, and filler, so please hang with me.
Marissa (who I don’t like even though I’ve never watched the show) and Tony come next with a waltz themselves. I hope you paid attention to the triple meter they employed which looked an awful lot like the triple meter that Cristian did, except his was supposed to be quadruple meter. What a sham!
Marissa, I guess, has been struggling with dizziness throughout the competition so her mid-week tune up came courtesy of an aerial art class that hoisted her in the air and twirled her around. I want to make a fat-joke so badly, but I won’t. I know some fat people who read spunkybean. I will say, however, that I’m quite sure Tony secretly hoped a cable would break and she’d fall to her death. How else do you explain his constant pained expression and the song choice – “Delilah”. I laughed until I stopped when I realized they were dancing to a song who’s lyrics include “Delilah, my darling, I just couldn’t take any more!” Yes, the narrator in the song kills Delilah and you don’t know how much Tony wanted to introduce a ‘prop’ into the routine and, I promise you, he would’ve stabbed Marissa on LIVE television – I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.
Somehow Tony got Miss Piggy to look ‘OK’ and the judges said good things. Bruno said she kept her head, Carrie Ann said it was nice, and Lenny G called her a true princess. And when we saw the scores I realized the advantage it is to perform later in the evening on this show. Marissa was worse than Shannon and Jason, but her scores were better. Hogwash!
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 9 , Lenny G – 8, Bruno – 9
Miss Piggy’s post-dance interview was marked by screaming, screeching, and more screaming. And let’s not forget there’s a group dance coming up.
Now we come to the unfair point in the competition where Kristy Yamaguchi gets to compete. She was great last week and she’ll be great again this week because she knows this game and how to perform, to feel music, and create a character inside of a choreographed routine. It’s not much different than putting Christina Aguilara on American Idol. Well, like Jennifer Love Hewitt, at least. Yamaguchi ‘gets it’ and that gives her a huge advantage, even with that club foot thing. How do we, America, not know about our Olympic hero’s club foot? It makes her Gold Medals more impressive than they already were.
Unlike the rest of the dance-tards, Yamaguchi is already taking her show on the road and she and partner, Mark, performed at Tiger Woods’s Tiger Fest (clever name). To my complete shock, Tiger Woods actually appeared on camera and claimed to be a fan of Yamaguchis. And not only is she great, how incredible is this Mark? Has he won on a prior season? If not, it could only be because he was saddled with his own dance-tard and now that he’s got Yamaguchi, he’ll win.
Mark is obviously on crack, or some sort of ‘upper’, and together Yamaguchi and Mark blew everyone else away. I could have watched 3 or 4 dance routines from these two. Carrie Ann agreed and said it was her favorite dance so far (as in the history of the world or just tonight?), Lenny Baby compared it to a buffet where he could get tasty, here, delicious, there, and yum-yum everywhere, and Bruno fake-laughed at Lenny’s joke and went on to tell them they were high definition entertainment. And this column is 6.1 Dolby Digital enhanced readable goodness.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 10, Lenny G – 10, Bruno T – 10 (Me – not surprised)
Hey, Paula Abdul’s in the audience. Obviously in an alcohol induced black-out and she accidentally stumbled into the wrong studio.
Another seasoned performer in Mario was next, alongside his protner (professional + partner …ok …I pushed that one too far), Karina. He, like Yamaguchi, didn’t need any Mr. Miagi tricks so we just got to see him talking on the phone with his brother. Mario told us he’d dedicate the performance to his brother, Ray, and any money he raised would be split between the Club Foot Foundation of America and The Big Man Syndrome Charity (and then he covered his mouth and shouted at the camera’s, “screw the deaf!” …he doesn’t know about closed captioning, I guess.
Some or all of that last sentence may have been made-up.
What happened next might get this show taken off the air and Mario and Karina had better sex on stage than I’ve ever had in my life. Lenny G said a Rumba is a story of romance and not simulated sex (if you can’t say anything nice, just drool like the rest of us), Bruno yelled that it was savage and primeval and that it was like eating bleep-bleep-bleep (holy crap – WHAT DID HE SAY!?!?), and Carrie Ann also said it was better than good sex.
Ashlee Simpson is on tomorrow (I thought this show was big and had huge ratings, so how does this happen?), and Def Leppard will be on next week. Def Leppard confuses me, but I’ll watch. You got me, Dancing With the Stars. You got me.
SCORES: Carrie Ann – 9, Lenny G – 9, Bruno T. – A ‘smoking’ 10
I’m sure you’re as tired or reading as I am of writing. If Myndi wants to point out all the insane minutia represented by the group dance, she can do that tomorrow. All I’ll say is that the group Country dance was performed to “Cotton Eye Joe” which is not even a Country song nor is it performed by a Country group. It didn’t chart on the Country charts and only people like me, whom hate Country music, like it because it tongue-in-cheek makes fun of Country music.
If it hadn’t been for Cotton Eye Joe, I’d been in bed, long time ‘go.
