First of all, thanks a ton to my friend and colleague Don for recapping last night’s extravaganza. Sure, he called Marissa Jaret Winokur Miss Piggy, but we’ll just chalk that up to a combination of exhaustion, frustration and all her damn screaming. All in all, it was a pretty crazy night!
The stars are introduced in their western gear, so that kind of lets the cat out of the bag as far as the encore dance. But first, we get the recap of last night. Marissa continues to screech, Cristian makes a funny about his high score, saying “this is how Kristy feels every week!” and Mario and Karina sing about their scores. Yuk it up now, guys (spoiler?) At the other end of the spectrum, we have Shannon, who is sobbing about the hip action comment, and Derek, who is PISSED and defending his woman vehemently. He goes off, saying that Shannon is being downgraded and called out on her hips, while other people are doing heel leads, lifts and “horrific, demented lines” and still scoring 9’s and 10’s. Not bad points, really.
When that’s all done, we come back to Len stating the obvious, that we will be seeing the group dance for the encore, which he says was “not the best, but the most fun”. If you say so, Len. Your license plate does read DANCMSTR, after all. Marissa does an awkward back walkover (but, hey, she does it), Shannon flips Derek, Kristi spins repeatedly (wonder where she learned to do that?), Marlee gets a piggyback ride from Fabian, Karina and Mario execute a flying spin move, Cheryl proves she has a crazy strong back with some middair pushups, and Edyta kind of does the splits while atop Jason’s glorious shoulders. There is also a lot of dosi-doeing and lame, staged fighting as dancing. I’ve definitely seen better group dances.
Tom reminds us of the 100th episode coming up in two weeks, which will mark the return of previous champs Apolo and Julianne, as well as runners-up Mel and Maks and A.C. Slater himself, aka Mario Lopez. Now, we have a performance of the song “Boys” by Ashlee Simpson and her lovely, square cut diamond engagement ring. This album is actually getting great reviews, by the way. It certainly seems as if her voice is improving with age. Or maybe it’s just the nose job, I don’t know. There’s a line in the song about “use your head, but not that one”. Wow. Can’t wait for that song to show up on the next Kidz Bop CD!
On to who’s the first safe couple, and first in the bottom two. Probably to stave off a heart attack, Shannon is pronounced safe. She’s very relieved, and frankly, so am I. I’ve grown rather fond of this pair for some reason. To no one’s shock, Marlee and Fabian are in the bottom two. In a backstage interview, Marlee says she’d be up to the challenge of doing two dances next week if she makes it, while Derek has lipstick strategically placed all over his face as he and Shannon apologize for their outbursts from last night, explaining that they are just very passionate about the show. Samantha tries and fails yet again to ask them about being a couple. How does Tom deal with this chick?
Oh boy. It’s time for Riverdance. Predictably, there are a lot of red hair, freckles and green velvet costumes. And really, I can’t top the words of one Chandler Bing: “Their feet move about as if independent from their bodies!” That’s it in a nutshell, after all. It’s also a license to print money for some reason. Sure, it’s impressive and way harder than it looks, but five minutes of this is about all I can be bothered with.
Time for more Jr. dancers. This week, we’ve moved on to the 13 and under group. First up are Brandon and Brittany, both 13, who have been partners for three and a half years. He has braces and she has boobs, so this is way different from the eight year olds already. Brandon says they want to prove they “can dance just as good as the old people”. You mean like Julianne, who’s all of six years older than you, genius? We also learn that Brittany is deaf in one ear. They do a very enjoyable cha cha cha, and it’s inches away from being at the levels of pros. At one point, Britanny’s hem gets caught on the heel of her shoe and after doing about 10-15 seconds of the routine with it tangled, she untwists it with one quick move, as if it’s part of the choreography, not missing a beat. All the judges comment of this impressive feat and all have the customary glowing comments for the kids.
Next up are Austin and Liza who are both 12. We don’t find out how long they’ve danced together, though they’ve each been at it quite a while. Austin, who’s a full three inches shorter than his partner (ain’t puberty grand?) and reminds me of Vinny Del Pino, says he’s rebelling against the jocks at school. He says that ballroom dancers ultimately get more girls. Perhaps, but not at age 12, I don’t think. He’ll have to be patient. Their samba is good, but the height difference is distracting and they tumble at the end. Also, the flamboyant nature of his moves is not going to help him avoid getting stuffed in a few more lockers if any of those football players see this. Poor lil’ Austin.
Backstage with Samantha, about the only thing we find out that means anything is that one of the former pros, the adorable Ashley Del Grosso, inspired Brittany. I used to love Ashley, but I think dealing with Master P did her in. Also, the fact that she didn’t wear a size 0 and prefer to dance half naked was a problem. Just a guess. Anyway, we find out the eminently more poised Brittany and Brandon will be returning for the next round, whenever that is.
Then there is a filler segment called “Judgement Day” in which Len, Bruno and Carrie Anne talk about the pressures of their jobs. Apparently, Len feels really bad about criticizing people and he has a hard time taking notes and watching the dances at the same time. Hey, me too! But, at least I have tivo.
The next two safe couples? Marissa and Tony and Cristian and Cheryl, both of whom are overjoyed. They quickly shuffle backstage to engage in more useless banter with Samantha, which is stretched to painful lengths, as for once, the show is out of filler! Dude, last week with the cue card guy and now this? Someone didn’t time something out right at all. The other couples wait anxiously on stage and then we go to a commercial.
Y’all, that ad for Electrolux appliances with Kelly Ripa? Kitchen porn.
Results at last. The remaining three couples (and Marlee and Fabian) are all nervous. Kristi and Mark are the first ones saved. Edyta looks very gloomy, but she and Jason are safe as well. NFL fans are a surprisingly powerful voting block on this show. This leaves Mario and Karina in the bottom two. I guess, considering his high scores, this guy is really lacking in fans, huh?
But it’s Marlee who’s out, and she gets an enormous round of applause. She thanks the judges, Fabian, her family and Henry Winkler, who has morphed from The Fonz into Richard Simmons somehow and I’m not sure when that happened. Tom, a long time friend we are told, tells her how proud he is of her and gives her a hug. I would just like to go to a dinner party with them, two of the most well-adjusted show biz people ever. In what I can only see as a little bit rude, the song for their last dance is “Dust in the Wind”. Gee, thanks. Good thing she can’t hear it!
