Oh my God! After all the other injuries, now Tony has come down with hydrocephaly! Oh no! Wait, what? His head is always that size? My bad.
In a teaser segment, we see Michael actually dancing while surrounded by flames. So Samantha used ‘literally’ correctly. Who saw that coming? This will either be awesome or horrific. Or possibly boring. You can never tell with this guy.
Tom confirms that the group dance is the encore, and the craziness begins anew. You know what’s weird? Susan Lucci is about a thousand times more hip-hop than what Project Runway’s Kenley thought of as hip-hop. You know, this isn’t my favorite group dance ever. I sort of liked the cheesy story aspects of the last couple, and the insane lifts and flips are depressingly sparse. Still, I like having everybody out on the floor at once. What can I say, I’m easy.
Time to save the first two couples. Lance and Lacey are the first ones off the chopping block. Cody, who is without partner tonight, is also safe. Get well soon, Julianne!
And now it’s another installment of Robo-Kids. Craig and Samantha are 13 and 11, and also brother and sister. Like the Houghs! Their youngest sister was one of last season’s Robo-Kids. Both the youngest sister and Craig refer to Samantha as a “diva”. We see them snapping at each other while eating ice cream and doing homework. Craig drops her in rehearsal, which is kind of funny because they’re tiny. Not far to fall.
They’re doing the cha-cha, which is one of those dances I can’t get a handle on. Craig’s posing and outfit give off kind of a Saturday Night Fever vibe, which is pretty hilarious. As ever, it’s little people dancing really well in a way that’s partly adorable and partly unsettling.
Tom gives them a hard time about all their arguing, which is pretty funny. Unsurprisingly, Michael Flatley loves them. He loves everything, really. Bruno loves their vibrancy and precision. Samantha is weirdly emotionless. Carrie Ann waves her arms in the air like she just don’t care. She’s been really strange this season. Tom uses Carrie Ann to illustrate the dangers of caffeine. Hee.
Now it’s Simon and Lucy. Both 13. Simon’s mother bribed him with $20 to get him to start dancing, hilariously reenacted in black-and-white footage. Nobody at school knows he dances, so I’m thinking Wednesday is going to be rough for him. These kids are pretty funny, actually. Yes, I’m surprised too.
It’s Samba time! Actually, and this is weird to say, but it looks kind of choppy. I know, Robo-Kids and all. Still, there’s a little bit of a spaz element to it, and it seems like Simon is moving much more broadly than Lucy, which is awkward when they’re in a hold. But what do I know?
Tom takes a moment to busy on Rocco DiSpirito, which is always welcome. Carrie Ann loves them and likes Lucy’s “hyperextended frame”. Michael is super-sweet but sort of makes it clear that they don’t have his vote. Damn, Flatley. That’s cold. Bruno likes their sense of fun, but it’s pretty clear they liked the other kids better. Too bad. Simon is funny.
The Pussycat Dolls are putting together a special performance especially for us. Oh, that’s hardly necessary.
Samantha’s back there with the kids, and Craig and Samantha are not thrilled that their little sister gave them advice. Brats. Simon and Lucy still don’t want the kids at school to know about their dancing. The judges vote and it’s unanimous for Craig and Samantha. OK, Flatley, did you not get the memo? Middle guy always throws the losers one vote. I am unaccountably irritated by this.
Oh, Lord. Time for the Pussycat Dolls. They’re all dressed up like a committee voted to determine what was sexy, and they ended up compromising and pleasing nobody. There’s something kind of sad about such focus group-approved raunch. OK, that one who can sing is hot, but in general it’s not working. And I’m a lonely guy – it doesn’t take much to please me once cleavage is introduced to the scene. Anyway, the Dolls sing and dance for a bit (For a long time, all of them except the pretty one lip-synced, and I don’t know if that’s still true.) Then Missy Elliott shows up, busts some rhymes, and leaves. It’s an awkward mesh of styles, frankly. I don’t know. I feel like I just spend a Thursday afternoon at a strip club or something. I like the way Missy just did her part and left. She’s got stuff to do!
Samantha is back with the safe couples, and now Edyta has joined Cody. It just seems right to have Edyta on the show, doesn’t it? First week eliminations don’t work for her. Cody tells us that Julianne’s surgery went fine and she’s resting comfortably. Because it’s always best to get your medical updates from Hannah Montana cast members. Maybe Drake and Josh can break down the financial crisis, too. Lance is happy to be in first place. Huh. That interview would have been more interesting if it included health news. Samantha mentions that next week, there will be a team dance, and her brief description of it confuses the hell out of me. Did they do that last year? I’m lost!
Back to Tom, where he reveals that Warren and Kym are safe, and “he’ll have one more chance to hit me in the head”. Ha! Tom kicks it to commercial, with the promise that Michael Flatley is going to burn this mother down when we get back. (Note: Tom does not actually say “burn this mother down”.) Michael is dressed like a Broadway costumer designer’s idea of a gangster, so it’s already hilarious.
Tom and Samantha plug about a million Flatley-projects in ten seconds, complete with Samantha losing her ability to pronounce words for a moment. To start with, Flatley’s dancing in silhouette behind a red screen. It looks pretty cartoonish, actually. Then he heads to the middle of the floor and he’s making a finger gun and tapping to… simulate bullets? He goes in to Riverdance mode, and it occurs to me that while there’s a real physical skill involved, it’s impossible to tell how good he is because we really don’t know what that thing he’s doing is supposed to look like. He pretty much defines the thing he does, so there’s no other standard. Nice work if you can get it. Anyway, as he taps, flames rise from around the little mini-stage, which is fairly cool. And then he jumps off the stage as it explodes. OK, I approve. Took a lot to get us to the explosion, but at least we got there.
We have a clip package about how strenuous dancing can be. A Marine, a sports psychologist, and Misty May’s trainer (Oops. Sorry about that, guy.) explain that dancing is hard. They critique the various dancers, without any real insights that you haven’t already figured out from watching the show. Come on, let’s get Kenny Mayne back! Doesn’t he usually do DanceCenter when they get to the final six? Will he be back next week? Please?
Oooh, we’re going to get some more results! Break it down for us, Tom! Tom tells Susan and Tony they’re “in jeopardy”, but does not use the phrase “Bottom Two”. Brooke and Derek are safe. Cloris and Corky are “in jeopardy”, and Maurice and Cheryl are safe. So, jeopardy and the Bottom Two are one and the same, then. I’m happy about Maurice – I like him, and I’d hate to see him run out of town after a rough night.
Commercials. Hey, it looks like that guy who mugged Flight of the Conchords is on Life on Mars this week. And since he used to be Christopher’s buddy on The Sopranos, it’s like a little reunion. Unless that’s a different guy and I misidentified him in the one second that he’s on screen.
At this moment, ABC executives are silently praying that Cloris goes home. Probably Samantha Harris is praying that, too. It’s too bad, because I like her, but she ended up overstaying her welcome already. If she’d been out in Week Four, people would have really missed her. By now, it’s kind of exhausting. Uh oh. Tom tells us that they’re not necessarily the Bottom Two. Oh, come on. Cloris breaks up the dramatic music by announcing that she’s not leaving, which probably does not amuse musical director Harold Wheeler. Tom responds with “I’m afraid you are”, and like that, it’s all over for Cloris. Please note Susan’s barely-disguised glee. Maybe the scuttlebutt was right on that one.
Still and all, Cloris gets a standing ovation. You know, she pushed it too far, but she’s really a very cool lady. She thanks the judges, and keeps saying to Carrie Ann “I know you didn’t mean what you said” (The thing last night about it being a shame that Cloris outlasted Toni Braxton? Or was there something else along the way.), but Carrie Ann keeps responding with “I love you”, which is not exactly a confirmation of Cloris’ statement. Cloris makes Tom and Samantha sit on the ballroom floor to interview her, and says she’s going to put on a costume and show up next week. She did outlast some legitimate contenders, but come on. 82 years old! That’s worthy of serious respect right there
See you next week! The show will no doubt run short, and we’ll cross our fingers that it’s an injury-free installment.
