Grant, who we’ll soon be informed is one Tom Decker, asks after Tammi, the young stewardess who caused this mess. He practically winks at his similarly groomed co-pilot and then flounces off with his bouncy feathered locks to check on her. She’s worried that his wife will hate her for ruining his shirt. Tom disagrees: “My wife will love you”. Cut to clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor of the Decker house (aka the Cougar’s Den) as we see Tom’s wife, Trina (her legs, anyway) declare that she’s thirsty, leaving Tom and Tammi to their fun as she cracks open a can of delicious Tab cola and hungrily eyes the new couple moving into the home across the way.
They look very much in love, and even their erstwhile Century 21 agent can’t help but notice it. He finally takes the “SOLD” sign and throws it in his boat of a car (yes, they were all that huge, except for Le Cars, AMC Pacers, and Chevy Novas, I think) and leaves them to their giggling and making out in the rain while Trina watches from the window, which takes us to commercial.
When we return, the redhead we just met, Susan Miller, is at the market with her neighbor Janet, who’s bitching about the price of ground round, all the while passive-agressively sniping that even though she and her husband can’t afford a mansion by the lake, they can afford some burgers for the block party. We never had block parties, since our street was a main road through three suburbs. It’s been about 25 years since I’ve thought about that, but now I’m just as pissed all over again! Susan asks the butcher for spare boxes, giving Janet a chance to bitch again about her only friend (just a guess) moving away, but she does it with a smile. The women then encounter their pre-teen sons playing with a shopping cart, giving Janet someone else to bitch at; her son Rick. Susan’s son’s name? BJ. Of course it is. In case you were wondering, Janet has a coupon for every item in her cart.
There’s a clever dissolve to a blonde girl rocking a sweet satin jacket while she loads up her backpack with canned goods and prepares to climb on her bicycle and take off. She hears her mother yell from the window “Samantha, where are you?”, which she tries to ignore, but mom, clad in only a nightie and sunglasses, asks her to go to the A&P for tin foil. I guess she wants to make a brisket really bad.
Next, we’re in a summer school classroom, meeting Lori Miller, Susan’s daughter, who slips on her Dr. Scholls sandals and turns her test in early so she can awkwardly flirt with her young, cute teacher. She calls her dad a capitalist in reference to their big move. Ooh, burn, Lori! To the strains of Bowie’s “Golden Years”, she walks outside as her stoned boyfriend Logan pulls up, and they toke together.
Back to Trina, watching Tony Randall help some lady win $10,000 on Pyramid. I love me some ’70s game shows. Maybe Trina and I would get along after all. Tom finally returns after running little Tammi home, and Trina gives him crap about her being so much younger. Hey, Trina, if you say “open marriage” to a guy, these things are gonna happen. Just sayin’. Then they go at it on the couch.
Bruce, Susan’s husband, returns from work, and suggests they go over to the new house alone. She asks if they seem “unsatisfied”, having taken all of Janet’s crap to heart. Oh, Susan, buck up! Go christen the place! Now back to poor Samantha, who had to buy her mother several rolls of aluminum foil. She asks her to leave them at the bedroom door and admonishes her to stop breaking into the house next door, but only because the new family (The Millers) moves in tomorrow.
We next see Rick and BJ, poring over a stack of Penthouse mags that BJ found while packing up the basement. Rick claims to have gotten very close to nailing a girl named Betsy. Remember that. They get busted by Rick’s dad, who in grand tradition, practically high fives Rick, but reminds him to make sure Janet doesn’t see them. Yeah, girlfriend’s wound a wee bit tight for that. She pops in to announce that BJ is staying for sloppy joe night. Hee–I’m tweleve. Meanwhile, crazy lady covers her windows in tin foil. What, Sears was out of drapes?
