It turns out Tom & Trina like to play a little game (shocker) in the airport lounge every so often. They try to figure out who the other would like to sleep with. Unfortunately for Tom, one of his picks turns out to be someone Trina’s already had the pleasure of romancing, her high school boyfriend Luke (played by Ryan McPartlin, Captain Awesome from Chuck). Turns out Luke is going to be in Chicago on business all week, while Tom flies to and from Tokyo. I happen to think Luke just used the word “business” as a synonym for “hitting on Trina” because he does it almost immediately. Cool guy Tom can handle this when he’s present, but can he handle the idea while he’s away? Maybe he’ll play cards with the pretty blonde stewardess who comes to tell him the plane’s ready to go. Yes, I’m sure that’s it.
In the meantime, Bruce is trying to woo Susan with a bouquet of flowers when he asks her to attend a luncheon for the Children’s Hospital Ladies’ Auxiliary. Sometimes, I don’t think Bruce has met his lovely wife. She’s still trying to pick out wallpaper for the room she ripped it off of during the housewarming, and all of the choices are vile, and oh-so-70’s. I was actually bummed there wasn’t one in puce. Susan’s all knee-deep in enlightenment, trying to find her “authentic self” (a term she learns from Lori as she studies for her philosophy final) and the last thing she wants to be is a big fake phony at the country club. But you know who would love it? Janet!
Lucky for the middle class Martha Stewart, the chair of the benefit that’s being planned is a sloppy drunk and gets Bloody Mary all over the sleeve of her suit. Janet runs to the rescue with Sweet N Low, which absorbs the stain and brushes away once dry. Now that she’s a hero, Janet is invited to the gala. Make no mistake, this is where Janet is supposed to be in life, she just doesn’t have the income to be there. Of course, all this heady stuff drives her to suggest Roger ask for the raise he so clearly deserves at Mutual of Omaha. It’s actually a nice scene for the two of them, who I’ve come to sort of adore. Roger says he’ll do it, and he delivers a good spiel, only to have the boss agree he should be paid more, but he’ll have to go elsewhere to have that happen. So, Roger’s fired, and Janet’s out buying dresses that are not plaid and getting her hair feathered for the big party. That’s not what you call good timing.
Susan recruits the Deckers to come to the party, her job with the committee she doesn’t want to be on for the hospital. Trouble is, she steps in a big, fat pile of awkward when she stops over with the invitation and catches Trina and Luke in swim suits and a tired Tom (away an extra night on a layover in San Fran; extra emphasis on the “lay” part) just coming in the house. She takes off as quickly as she can, having wrangled both Luke and the Deckers to bring themselves and their money to the festivities.
Later, when the ladies who lunch invite both Susan and Janet to become members of the Ladies Auxiliary, Susan is what you might call non-plussed. Janet has to restrain herself from doing cartwheels. Bruce feels he and Susan should perhaps “go over the rules one more time” which understandably pisses Susan off. She heads for the powder room and meets Bruce’s new colleague, a young female runner named Melinda, who knows she has to play the game to succeed in a man’s world, to the point where she already knows the guys all put money on who will sleep with her first before Bruce can swoop in like Captain America to inform her. She and Moreno, Bruce’s coke fiend of a co-worker, pretend they’ve done it so they can split the pot. Melinda’s good, y’all.
In the midst of the party, teenager Lori has to take an oral exam in her class with Doug (no, not like that!) and is asked to draw examples from her own life when it comes to being her “authentic self”. She biffs it, since she’s afraid she’ll just babble on about how hot she is for teacher. Luckily, Doug’s still hangin’ out in the dark classroom waiting for her when she happens by with an explanation. He stops her, saying he’s not her teacher anymore. They proceed to make out (and possibly do it) right up against the blackboard. I did not make a note, but I hope they were wearing light colored clothing, otherwise everyone will know! I gotta say, I know I’m supposed to be horrified, but I sure hope these crazy kids can work it out!
While Tom and Janet are off disco dancing (and Roger is sulking in a corner, having told no one of his firing–yet), Trina’s dealing with her feelings for Luke, who figures Tom doesn’t have to know if they decide to hook up. But, you see, Luke, Tom does have to know, and he has to be in the room if you want to shag his wife. Cut to the Cougar Den, where it’s on like Donkey Kong. Tom steps out for a bit, causing Trina to follow him out to the pool. Could this be the start of some real trouble? Tom doesn’t fess up to an affair, rather he asks if Trina wishes she’d married Luke instead. Trina simply says she’ll tell Luke to go. Tom, feeling guilty, says no, and they continue the menage. Except in several red states, where people probably couldn’t take this happening on CBS.
Back at the party, Janet’s placed a winning $100 bid on dinner at the Club, which Roger witnesses and knows he can’t afford. The poor guy is so deflated. Josh Hopkins conveys this beautifully. He takes Susan aside and spills about his firing, saying he couldn’t bear to ruin Janet’s Cinderella evening. Susan is as sweet with him as she usually is, and after saying she’ll see what she can do, she actually buys the dinner for them, with Janet none the wiser–for now. We’ll see if she still wants to keep that flower and winning bid pressed into her scrapbook after next week’s revelation.
Susan eventually picks her wallpaper, by the way. It’s gross, but I’m sure it will get replaced with some art deco crap in the 80s anyway. No one seems overly concerned that Lori never came home, however. Parents of the Year! Next Week: Lots of stuff is gonna hit the fan, so stay tuned!
