Harper’s Island; Sit Down, Shut Up; Shaq Vs.
The Poop: I was actually excited about this series at first. Personally, I like the idea of a deliberately short-run series, sort of the way most BBC shows work. Tell your story and move on. It’s an interesting idea, and a good way to tell a single story. Let’s face it, Twin Peaks would be more fondly remembered today if it had wrapped up after the first season.
Unfortunately, it’s something that really needs to be done well. And here, it’s not done well. Putting together a mystery isn’t easy, but that’s not really an excuse for doing it badly. First off, if you own a TV and have watched it before, you’ll have it figured out by the end of the first episode. And you will be right. Later attempts at misdirection attempt to muddy the issue, but all they really do is create logic and continuity errors that can’t be reconciled.
Oh, hey. When you’re doing a show and one of the characters is secretly a murderer, there’s something you need to remember. Before he’s revealed as that murderer, his behavior in early episodes should make sense with that revelation. In other words, when the guy who turns out to be the murderer is alone, he should not be afraid of the murderer. Granted, he doesn’t need to be seen sharpening his collection of knives, but whatever he does will have to retroactively make sense in light of upcoming revelations. The guy who’s the murderer does not have to act afraid of the murderer when he’s all alone.
In all honesty, Harper’s Island eventually became hilariously incompetent, and it became guilty-pleasure viewing. There’s a scene where somebody is accidentally disemboweled with a hedge trimmer, which was much funnier than it sounds. This is a short review because, really, who cares?
The Prognosis: This is not good. I watched many more episodes than I should have, but that’s because I take a perverse pleasure in watching stories collapse. I’m a bad person.
Sit Down, Shut Up
FOX, Cancelled
The Premise: An animated series about the professional and private lives of the faculty at Knob 
Haven High School.
Haven High School.The Personnel: Created by Mitch Hurwitz, the God among men who brought us Arrested Development. The voice cast includes AD alumni Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Henry Winkler. Also, Tom Kenny, Kristin Chenoweth, and spunkybean favorite Will Forte contribute voices. Oh, also some writers who made their bones on Futurama are on staff. So, there’s no part of this that doesn’t sound awesome, right?
The Poop: OK, this is really hard to say…. It’s not very good. It’s not terrible, and if this had aired on Adult Swim with no promotion, I probably would have thought it was a diamond in the rough and told people to get in on the ground floor. Unfortunately, this comes from the creator and cast of my favorite comedy ever and includes writers and directors from another of my favorite comedies. Expectations are a bit higher than they would be for something that aired after a repeat of Squidbillies.
I think one of the problems is that the animation style doesn’t lend itself to the subtlety of Arrested Development. The character design is minimalist and inexpressive, so the clever double entendres that defined the AD style have to be telegraphed in order to come across. You can’t have background jokes when there’s barely a background.
But the main problem is that there’s no heart. While Arrested was amazingly cynical and featured some awful people, they were a family, and they kinda liked one another. There were emotions to ground the silliness. That’s a magic formula. And it’s one that’s not replicated here, since none of the characters particularly like one another.
There are some clever lines here, but the hit-to-miss ratio is simply too high. While I did laugh out loud at a couple of jokes, the plotting is weak and the characters are too one-note. Maybe if they’d spent more time developing the premise and building the characters, this could have been good. And with the talent involved, it should have been.
The Poop: Well, I watched the whole run, out of loyalty to Hurwitz. And FOX plans to burn off the unaired episodes sooner or later during their late-night block, and I’ll probably watch them too. There are a few good laughs, but mostly you’re left wondering what could have been. Maybe I’m holding it to impossibly high standards given its pedigree, but I expect more from Mitch and the gang. I’ll keep eagerly awaiting their next project, though.
Shaq Vs.ABC, Wednesday 9 PM
The Premise: NBA star Shaquille O’Neal takes on the world’s greatest athletes in their own games.
The Personnel: Shaquille O’Neal, obviously. Also, one of the producer’s is Shaq’s former teammate Steve Nash, who actually pitched the show in the first place. Funny how that worked out, eh?
The Poop: You may be able to guess, but I’m not much of a sports guy. I know, it’s shocking. However, I am enthused about this show for two reasons. First, Shaq ineptly hit on a friend of mine at the gym recently, which is pretty awesome. Second, his last TV venture was 2007’s Shaq’s Big Challenge, wherein Shaq battled childhood obesity. Not only did that show make me cry like a prison bitch every week, but the final product was sort of a fascinating look into the making of a reality show. Like, clearly Shaq thought he was making a special – he was going to get a gym for the fat kids, and the problem would be solved. At one point, he asked a pediatrician whether he’d recommend “pills or surgery”. You have no idea how much I loved this show.
So while this new show is more oriented toward athletics and less toward overweight children, it still has that air of well-meaning incompetence that I associate with Shaq’s TV work. I’m not bringing much else in the way of baggage to the series. If you hate Shaq as a player, you probably view his boasts as being part of a pattern of douchiness. For me, I just like his TV shows, so I assume he’s goofing around.
I’ve been assured that Shaq is not actually the greatest athlete in the world, and that there are many, many people who are better than he is at the sport he actually plays for a living. Thus, it seems unlikely that he will beat top athletes in their sports at the things they’re good at. And so far, with two episodes down, he’s 0 and 2. Still, it’s fun to watch – the fact that he’s more than seven feet tall and 350 pounds makes it interesting to see him do regular things. Then to watch him play volleyball is just fascinating. He doesn’t need to jump to block shots, but if the ball goes a little bit to the side, he’s not going to get it.
In the first episode, he plays touch football against Ben Roethlisberger, and despite getting some handicaps, Shaq loses pretty handily. Still, it seems like everybody is having fun, and there’s a hilarious bit where Shaq chestbumps a teammate, absolutely flattening the dude. It’s not what you’d call “good”, but it’s pretty entertaining.
The Prognosis: I’m not proud of it, but this one is on “Record All”. Shut up.
