There’s an episode of Scrubs where Dr. Cox gives JD a handful of “Man Cards”, and then proceeds to take one away every time the young doctor behaves effeminately. Predictably, JD didn’t hold onto his Man Cards for long. Following in the brave tradition of people who have initials for names, I’m going to put all my Man Cards on the table. That’s right, it’s the Top Twelve TV Moments That Make Me Cry Every Damn Time.
I’m limiting it to twelve, in the interest of brevity and in not looking like a complete basket case. This means I had to leave out some serious tearjerkers like the UK version of The Office and the classic “She said ‘no’, by the way”, Swearengen smothering the ailing Reverend Smith on Deadwood, the death of Bobby Simone, or Ralph Wiggum’s Valentine’s Day heartbreak. Leaving those out almost made me cry all over again, but Don’s already going to make fun of me for this list as it is.
By the way, there are SPOILERS in the entries below.
12. Gilmore Girls “Partings” – In the Season Six finale, a fight between Lorelai and Luke put their engagement on hold. Devastated, Lorelai heads to Christopher’s
house (Christopher = the father of her child and all-around turd cutter), and well, the season ends with a shot of Lorelai waking up in Christopher’s bed. It’s hard enough to watch for those of us who were invested in her relationship with Luke, but what really breaks my heart is the look on Lorelai’s face. She is absolutely devastated, and it’s such great acting on Lauren Graham’s part, and I almost can’t watch the scene.
11. The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. “High Treason, Part 1” – Gunslingers Brisco County and Lord Bowler, falsely accused of treason, have been apprehended by the government. The two men spend a night in prison, awaiting their execution. In a series that occasionally featured time-travel, Elvis Presley, and Old West rocket science, this scene is just a really well-executed character piece. After starting the season as enemies, the two gradually became allies, and finally friends. It’s even sadder now, with the recent death of Julius “Lord Bowler” Carry.
10. The X-Files “Jump the Shark” – Langley, Byers, and Frohike were the Lone Gunmen, a welcome breath of good-natured weirdness in the often-bleak X-Files world. Associates of Fox Mulder’s, they published an underground newsletter exposing conspiracies in high places, and even had their own spin-off series. In the final season, when the show’s mythology consumed itself, the Gunmen came back for one last episode to resolve their own series-ending cliffhanger. In the end, the guys sacrifice themselves to save a small town from the release of a deadly virus. It’s a harsh end for the characters who embodied the lightest aspect of the series, and it’s impossible not to tear up when they seal the corridor and wait to die, saving people who would never know their sacrifice.
9. The Venture Bros. “Billy Quizboy and the Invisible Hand of Fate” – The secret history of goofy supporting character Billy is revealed in this Season Three episode. Over the episode we see Billy getting his start on a TV quiz show for children (our hero is a dwarf passing himself off as a child), until he’s caught in a cheating scandal with the host. In short order, Billy is mauled in a dogfight, unwillingly recruited by the US government, manipulated by a evil scientist, and finally, wiped of his memories. It’s the scene at the end that gets me, when Billy’s handler, Brock Samson, kidnaps the comatose little guy and brings him (in a tote bag) to Pete White (the quiz show host who started it all). These two realize how they’ve selfishly used Billy, taking away every chance he ever had. And now they’re the only people in the world who care about him. It’s such a tragic history for a character who was previously only comic relief.
8. The Office “Back from Vacation” – The Jim and Pam relationship is always good for an old lump in the throat, but there’s a dramatic turn in this episode. After two seasons of silently longing for Pam, Jim told her how he felt. Rebuffed, he moved to Stamford and started over. And when he and his new girlfriend, Karen, came back to Scranton, it was very hard on Pam. In this episode, Pam smoothes over a fight between the two, and then she just breaks down. Out in the hall, she’s openly weeping, and to see such a likeable character hurt that much is just draining. It’s so intense that even Dwight tries to comfort her, in an attempt that’s surprisingly sweet right up until he asks “So, you’re PMS-ing pretty hard, huh?”
7. Oz “Impotence” – There are actually a lot of moments in Oz that qualify for this list. The episode in Season Four when Tobias Beecher receives a package containing his young son’s hand devastated me so much that I missed work the day after I first saw it, for example. But my choice goes to a moment that’s less visceral but just as heartbreaking: The murder of Augustus Hill. Now, Oz was full of murders, but this was different because Augustus was the narrator. He spoke directly to the viewer in interstitial scenes. He was real in a way that the other characters (even those who were better written) never achieved. In the last scene of the fifth season, Hill takes a shiv meant for the former mentor who betrayed him. It’s his last words that get me, as the wheelchair-bound inmate leaves this world with “I can feel my legs”.
6. Lost “Ji Yeon” – Wow. Another show that’s rife with heartbreak, but this may just be the king. Most of Lost’s sad moments are usually accompanied by shock – nobody ever dies quietly. But this Season Four episode ends on a surprise note. In a Flash Forward, we see former Lostaway Sun going into labor, and in parallel scenes, her husband Jin rushes through the city to find a baby gift and arrive before it’s too late. It’s only at the end of the episode that we find out that Jin’s scenes are set in the past, before the two of them came to The Island. (In an ingenious bit of plotting, the present-day scenes of this episode are filled with mysteries that turn out to be inconsequential, distracting us from the clues in Jin’s scenes.) The last scene takes place at Jin’s grave, with Sun channeling the audience’s surprise through her pure, naked grief. It’s a moment of great acting and excellent storytelling, and it will destroy you.
5. Mad Men “The Wheel” – Possibly the best single scene of the 2007-2008 season. Over the season, we’ve seen Don Draper cheat on his wife with a mistress and a working girl, both of whom he treats with more authentic respect. After a tense episode in which so many running conflicts come to a head, including Pete Campbell discovering Don’s past, Don makes a presentation to Kodak for their new slide projector carousel. Don loads the projector with pictures of his own family and gives Kodak a singularly beautiful pitch. It’s so good that Harry Crane (who’s been sleeping at the office due to his own marital problems) leaves the pitch in tears. It’s this perfect scene where you can see that Don is putting the pieces together as he talks, realizing how much he loves his wife and children. And then as if that wasn’t enough, the last scene has Don coming home to an empty house, Betty and the kids having left for the weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving without him, and he collapses on the staircase. Beautiful.
