Perhaps you’ve noticed the onslaught of Batman merchandise lining store shelves right now. Need a Batman stadium cushion? They’re out there! I’m not sure where the Venn Diagrams cross for people who go to enough sporting events to need a stadium cushion and people who go out of their way to buy Batman merchandise. I’d imagine it’s what you’d call a niche market. And of course, you have action figures. I’d be willing to bet there are more plastic variations of Batman than any other fictional character. Some of these are good, and some of them, well, not so much.
Because I like lists, I’ll present the Top 5 Best and Worst Batman figures, along with one honorable mention in each category for the villains.
The Best
HONORABLE MENTION – Legends of the Dark Knight – Man-Bat
Check this guy out – he’s huge! He’s got a 15” wingspan, which makes him big enough to scare off actual bats that might get into your home. Really cool sculpting and design, Man-Bat here looks awesome. (Check out his tiny little ID badge.) This guy is serious nightmare fuel, and I want one of these in my living room as soon as possible.
5. The Killing Joke – Batman
Sold in a two-pack with the Joker in casual summer wear, this figure is a perfect evocation of the late 80’s Batman. Based on Brian Bolland’s art, he’s got a grim look, nice long ears, and enough articulation to pose realistically without sacrificing the sculpt. And as a special Nerd Bonus™, if you move his cape over, he’s got an acid burn on his left arm, right where the Joker sprayed him in The Killing Joke. And on top of all that, he comes boxed with what I like to call “Summer Fun Joker”.
4. Justice League – Batman
This one’s from the animated series, which is a design that I love. And while not incredibly articulated, it’s an improvement over the previous animated figures. And sometimes you just need a Batman to stand there and look cool.
3. Mego World’s Greatest Heroes – Batman
This one’s all about the nostalgia. We all owned Mego Batman, right? Yes, he appears to be wearing oven mitts, and he looks a little happier than Batman typically looks, but as a kid, I loved this figure so much. Mego Batman went darn near everywhere in my childhood, and goofiness aside, he deserves a place on the list.
2. The Dark Knight – Ultimate Batman
14 inches tall with 25 points of articulation, and a movie accurate costume – there’s nothing about this figure that isn’t badass. Doesn’t he look tough? And at 14 inches, he’s not even an action figure – he’s practically a friend. Now, as a grown man with a job and a 401(K) and everything, I can’t just walk into a store and, in good conscience, purchase an Ultimate Batman. If somebody were to buy me one, though, well, I can’t say it wouldn’t occupy a place of honor in my home.
1. Super Powers — Batman
Another childhood favorite here. Why is he the best Batman figure ever? Well, when you squeeze his legs together he punches. In 1984, that was the height of toy technology, and it blew my young mind. I’d set things up just so Batman could punch them. You know what that is? It’s awesome! And he had a great Batmobile with a battering ram and a grabbing claw in the back. Even better though, was that he was part of a huge line of figures. They had dozens of characters in the line, letting you re-create the Justice League. If there’s one thing young EJ liked, it was an all-out action figure war. The only thing more fun than a Batman toy is a Batman who’s in scale with Green Lantern and Plastic Man. Man, childhood was awesome.
Sadly, reaching the best means we now have to take a look at the worst. We can get through this.
Honorable Mention – Batman: The Movie – Bob the Goon
Actually listed as “Bob the Goon” in the credits, he was the Joker’s right hand man, until Joker got irritated and shot him. I’ve got no beef with Bob the Goon. Frankly, there aren’t many henchmen action figures, so this should have been great. Well, Bob here had a design flaw. He would kick when you pushed a button on his back, but it turns out, you didn’t so much have to push that button as look at it funny. Once you took Bob the Goon out of his package, that right leg was going to be perpendicular to his body forever. Also, tell me he’s not a dead ringer for Chuck Mangione.
5. DC Superheroes – Anti-Virus Bruce Wayne
First off, just ask yourself what kind of virus he’s fighting – the medical kind or the computer kind. Either way, I’m not sure that the flaming hula hoop is going to be particularly effective. I could stare at that picture for days and never make sense of it. Even worse, you’ll notice that he’s called “Bruce Wayne”, not “Batman”. Sure enough, he’s wearing his Batman costume with no mask. He seems to be wearing a transparent Viking helmet instead. Pity the child who gets this guy for a birthday present. Go on, try and develop a scenario where this version of Batman is at all useful. Can’t do it, can you?
4. The Batman – Phantom Claw Batman
For those of you who think Batman would be so much cooler if only he wore more fluorescent green. I don’t know what a “phantom claw” is, but apparently it involves Batman wearing multiple spikes on his back. So, you know, he’s now too bulky to sneak around, and he’s also wearing neon green. Sorry kids, Batman got shot in the head when they he got his back-spikes snared on a fire escape and Two-Face saw him struggling from ten blocks away.
3. Batman Returns – Jungle Tracker Batman
I know it’s a little hard to see on that picture, because he’s still in the package. Know why this is? Because nobody ever took one out to play with! You know what? I’ll accept that Batman might have a mission that leads him to the jungle. And OK, that suit is vaguely camouflaged, so in that way it makes a little bit of sense. Very little, but I’m feeling generous. But he ends up on the list because the box tells us he’s from the Batman Returns line. They are trying to tell us that this is a movie tie-in, and that there was a scene in the movie that involved Batman having to travel to the jungle, and then wearing a special suit to do so. In case you’ve forgotten, that scene is not actually in the movie.
2. Batman Mission Masters – Slalom Racer Batman
Batman is wearing white and skiing. That’s two strikes. If you look closely, you’ll notice he has a rocket on his back. (Note the sculpted flame shooting out of the bottom.) Clearly, Batman bought this gear from the ACME catalog. That’s strikes three through ten. You get ten strikes in baseball, right?
1. Any Batman with a Grappling Hook Belt
Pictured is a Batman from the first movie. Check out that giant belt. And then check out the art to the left of the figure, where Batman seems mildly embarrassed to be launching a grappling hook from his crotch. There have been a number of grappling hook belt Batmen over the years, one of which ruined our own Don’s childhood. He’s not a man who spends much time reminiscing about action figures, but here’s what he had to say:
