Previously on Big Brother: Ollie was cartoonishly afraid of birds, Jerry ate some humble pie and stared at the ceiling, and Dan let Renny near his head with a pair of scissors. April Sapien and Jerry are on the block, and the eviction sharks are circling.
The official previouslies mentions April’s $5,000 in gold. I assume that means this will be important in the episode. Or not. Sometimes the editors phone it in and use random clips.
The live audience is very happy to see Julie Chen. Julie tells us that everything rests on Dan for the third week in a row, which is stretching things. Two weeks ago, he didn’t even cast his own vote. Last week it was unanimous. This week, well, he’s just a dude with a vote. Or is he? Probably he is, but I haven’t watched the whole episode yet.
In new footage, Dan reminds us that both April and Jerry have gold, so that his veto speech about “somebody” making him an offer could go either way. In the Diary Room, April cries foul because she never offered him “a specific amount of money”. I don’t think Dan mentioned a specific amount, so I’m not sure what she’s griping about. I don’t understand April. Hopefully by the end of the hour, I won’t have to try anymore.
Jerry says he’s going to stay calm and ride the week out. Well, unless he flips out, as he is wont to do. Keesha, Renny, and Unfrozen Caveman Michelle wonder who offered Dan the money. I’m not sure whey they’re focusing on that. Memphis gets involved in the chatter. Dude, Dan can’t be more than thirty feet away. If you’re so concerned, ask him.
Out by the pool, Keesha and Memphis talk about how much they hate April. I feel so close to them right now. Later, Ollie and April hang out by the hot tub, fully clothed. Sad music of doomed romance plays in the background. It turns out, the houseguests must have won self-delusion in the food competition, because April is eating a big bowl right now. She can’t believe they put her on the block because she hasn’t done anything to anyone. She hasn’t turned on anybody or broken her word or anything. Let’s see, she promised not to put Jessie up, and then did. She then immediately flipped on her own alliance to join the Cult of the Risen Jessie after he left. Then there was all the crap she pulled last week on both Libra and Keesha. But that’s not how April remembers it. In her mind, all she’s done is “wash the dishes and give people stuff”. What the hell was she giving people? Oh, I guess she’s counting that time she gave Ollie chlamydia.
Ollie, whipped as he is, just has a look on his face like he can not believe this line of crap. When a guy who live in mortal terror of every single noun in the phrase “The early bird catches the worm” thinks you’ve lost it, well, you’ve lost it. He loses his one chance at being awesome when he reassures April that people just don’t realize how awesome she is. He also says that after everything she’s done for Dan (seriously, did I miss a week?), the least he could do is give her one vote. Technically, I guess that’s also the most he can do. April says that America would think Dan is a terrible person if he doesn’t vote to keep her. A brief survey of Americans quickly reveals that is not the case. Then April stares directly into the camera, piercing my soul.
Q: What special camera accessory do you need when filming April Sapien? A: A fish-eye lens! Thank you! I’ll be here all week.
A shot of the moon tells us that it’s night. Have you ever noticed that it’s always a full moon over the Big Brother house? That explains a lot. April and Ollie corner Michelle, who refuses to divulge any information. Ollie assures her that neither of them would put her on the block. Well, considering that April’s already lied to Michelle about not nominating somebody, and Ollie has as much chance of winning Head of Household as I do from here, that’s not saying much.
Then they try to convince April to get Dan’s vote. Man, that is some lazy-ass campaigning. “I want to stay in the house, Michelle. See what you can do to make that happen.”
Ollie and Dan talk votes outside while they play a game of HORSE with a tiny basketball. Ollie’s logic is not exactly compelling. He keeps assuring Dan that he wouldn’t be a target. But, you know, they’re at the halfway point. Everybody who’s not you should be a target. You’d have to be a dope to keep an inseparable couple in the house. And Dan, he’s no dope. Yes, this is the opposite of what I said for the first couple of weeks. I’m a floater.
Next, April asks Dan for “five minutes or two minutes”. Just wait, she might talk herself down to thirty seconds. In the spa room, she leads with “there are a couple of things I want to get off my chest”. You know what I’m doing here? I’m passing up the easy ones. If only Ollie could do the same. Zing! Anyway, April offers him money for his vote. Dan leaves and passes Jerry outside where they agree that it’s hot outside. Is it hot because Dan is burning, Jerry? I seem to have heard that before.
The Chenbot promises to tell us how April and Ollie’s loved ones feel about their relationship. Well, if Ollie’s parents can stop crying for long enough to express an opinion.
We get porno music as Ollie and April hang out in the pool and talk about whether Ollie is going to move to Arizona for April. Don’t move to Arizona for her, Ollie! Move there because you don’t have problems with allergies there and the dry climate is good for your ridiculously early-onset arthritis. Um. So I’ve heard.
We see Ollie’s family in Des Moines, and Pastor Ed is preaching up a storm. Ollie’s dad is ridiculously proud of his son. So, you know, no YouTube in Des Moines.
Back in the pool, April tells Ollie that there are millions of her in Arizona. If that’s the case, why isn’t the government stepping in? This segues into a viewing party at April’s sister’s house in Phoenix. My best friend lives there! Thankfully, I do not see her at the viewing party. Angella, April’s misspelled sister, shows some pictures. Angella has normal eyes, by the way. She assures us that Ollie is a lot like her. Well, that brings up so weird stuff.
Pastor Ed is unfamiliar with the term “showmance”. Aww. I was so much happier before I’d heard this term, and I envy him. Actually, he pronounces it like “show-mass”, which is endearing. More Pastor Ed! Angella defines “showmance” for us, because we’re stupid. Ollie’s mom is a little creeped out to see her son romancing a young lady on television. Me too, Ollie’s mom.
In the pool, Ollie and April talk about living together. It’s almost sweet, except that it’s totally gross. And also, it involves April.
Now it’s time for Julie to interact awkwardly with the houseguests. She plays the footage of Ollie freaking out over a bird, which is always funny. Randy Hickey is afraid of birds, too. Yep, I’ve been trying to come up with a joke using that reference since Sunday, and all I came up with is just mentioning it. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
Julie congratulates Dan on winning his first competition. Hee. I guess other than Ollie, everybody’s won something. Julie asks Renny about freaking out over the pictures of her parents. You know, I didn’t get that. It’s not like they died while she was in the house and this was how she found out about it. I don’t know. I’m dead inside, though. Julie asks Jerry about how long he’s been on slop. Finally, Julie asks Memphis an audience question about which evicted houseguest he’d bring back, and he picks Brian. Hope that answered your question, home viewer!
I usually don’t get into the “houseguests discuss the nominees” segments, because they’re not that interesting, but Keesha’s hatred for April is thick and rich, like expensive butterscotch. It makes me laugh.
Commercials. Friends don’t let friends see The Clone Wars. Trust me on this one.
Time for Crazy Renny’s private interview. Julie describes her as “kooky”, which is not a word that should be used to describe anybody who is not the Addams Family. Thankfully, Julie does not call her “spooky” or “altogether ooky”. Renny hopes that America is crazy about her. Well, America is largely unmoved by her one way or another. Better than how America feels about Jessie, I guess. Renny talks about how she doesn’t trust Memphis. If only she had the power at some point to do something about that…
Time for nominee talk! Like everybody else this season, April tells the houseguests to vote for their best interests, and not for the person sitting next to them. Three or four weeks in a row somebody’s said that, and they always get eliminated. Fingers crossed!
Keesha is first to vote. She votes to evict April. Who could have seen that coming? Memphis also votes against April. For me, that pretty much clinches it. He hates Jerry, so if he’s voting April, the house has made a decision.
Ollie votes to evict Jerry, of course. Dan starts out by voting to evict “J…” and then says “April”. It made me laugh, but the Chenbot grows weary of him. Well, that’s three for April, so I don’t even have to pay attention to Michelle. Why start now? (She votes to evict April, too.)
After the break, Julie gives April Sapien the boot. She hugs everybody, and there’s some bad microphone placement, because we get feedback on every hug. Ollie looks like he’s going to throw up. Geez, if he wins HoH “for April”, I’m going to scream.
April’s shoes are sparkly, which is not something I should notice. Julie describes Keesha using the word “frenemies”, and I see blood for just a second. She then talks about her and Ollie isolating themselves. What, like they’re going to do it with Memphis in the room?
Oh, man. I just realized, poor Libra has to spend a week alone with April in the Jury House.
Julie keeps saying that April’s relationship with Ollie led to her eviction. Come on, Julie. April was evicted because she kind of sucks and people hate her. April tells us that Ollie was already planning to move to Arizona before he met her. Boy, I’ll bet he really does have allergies. Everybody gets all giggly about the relationship, and April bores me for the last time.
In the farewell videos, Dan assures her it wasn’t personal. Renny kisses her ass, because, well, Jury House. Keesha does everything but flat-out laugh. Ollie calls her “intellectual and beautiful”, so he’s lost his mind. He also asks her to be his “first girlfriend”? Really, Ollie? Damn, I spend my nights recapping reality TV, and I’m slightly ahead of him.
Farewell, April Sapien! You spent six weeks reminding me of Hellboy, and possibly damaged my computer with that video. (Blankets and feet… shudder.) You will not be missed.
In the backyard, everybody is hanging from vines. Actually, they seem to have seats on their vines, but whatever. It’s another endurance competition! Water drizzles down on them, and then the vines lift. Dammit. We have to wait to find out who wins now. I demand immediate satisfaction!
There’s a text poll to give a houseguest a phone call from home. I don’t have any strong opinions on this one. Not Ollie, because it’s totally going to be April who calls him, and I would prefer not to see her for a while.
Next week is a Double Live Eviction episode! Holy crap! Those are always pandemonium because nobody gets a chance to remind the dumb people who they hate. I’m sure by the time you read this, there will be spoilers online as to who won the HoH. I envy the shiny future world in which you live.
Before we leave, we see the houseguests on their vines. There are monkey sounds, and Ollie assumes his customary look of terror. Great. Another fear. The vines swing back and forth, slamming the houseguests into a wall. Well, the fake padded wall. CBS isn’t trying to kill anybody. Yet!
I’ll be here Wednesday morning with recaps of the Sunday and Tuesday excitement. And then I’m back on Friday because a certain somebody is taking a week off. Apparently some recappers like their families more than they like double evictions…
