SUNDAY
It’s our first Jessie-free episode! It’s like a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. (Get it? “weight….lifted”. Yeah, I know.) Boy, the only thing that could dampen my enthusiasm for this new paradigm is if somebody references Jessie about a thousand times in the next hour. But really, what are the odds?
If you’ll recall, last week brought shouting. And joyous eviction. And then Unfrozen Caveman Michelle won the Head of Household competition. I’m sure everybody will deal with this as rational adults. Right?
We open with Michelle being angry about the eviction. She misses the obvious joke when she mentions “seeing red” while clad in the skankitard. Anyway, she’s openly weeping because she wants to go back in time two minutes to say something more to Jessie. Me, I’d go back and drown baby Hitler, but we all have our priorities.
Keesha, meanwhile, is tickled. April Sapien claims to have vomited in her mouth, which officially marks the death-knell of any humor value that phrase ever had. Libra is actually pretty funny, whipping out a bunch of slang terms that I’ve never heard before about Jessie leaving the house. One of those terms is “deuce”, which is often used to refer to poo. I’m not sure if that was her desired connotation or not. I hope so.
People are looking daggers at Dan, including April. Remember how she’s the one who actually nominated Jessie for eviction? If so, you’re one up on April. Jerry kicks off an ugly trend of making me not like him by slamming Dan in the Diary Room. He claims that by voting against Jessie (And if you’ll recall, he didn’t actually cast his own vote), he “disrespected his religion”, and “hid behind his cross”. OK, this is going to come up a lot, so I’m just going to say my piece. This is a game show. It is a game show where the rules, and in fact, the basic premise, encourage you to lie. Unless you are morally offended when somebody bluffs in poker, you can’t cast aspersions on somebody who isn’t honest with you about how they’re going to vote. And yes, Dan, wears a cross on a chain. You know who else does that? Most Catholics. One thing Dan hasn’t done in the house, and I’m as surprised as the next guy, is get holier-than-thou with respect to anyone’s morality. (Also, Jerry and company are defining morality as “agreeing with me”.) Lies aren’t like vampires, where they’re magically repelled by a cross. I don’t like how self-righteous the pro-Jessie contingent is getting, and it especially bothers me about Jerry, because I like him. By the way, remember how Jerry wouldn’t wear any Marine clothing when he nominated Brian? I’m starting to think that in Jerry’s mind, morality and accessorizing are inextricably linked.
Libra tries to recruit Memphis, which is a good move. Makes a more tempting offer than sticking with the people who are angry that he didn’t leave. Michelle makes promises to Jessie in the bathroom. Then we see a flashback of the end of the HoH competition, where Jerry yells “Screw you people” at the dissenters, and Michelle keeps talking to Ghost Jessie.
In the Diary Room, April lumps herself in with Michelle as a force to be reckoned with. Well, she sure took care of getting rid of Jessie. (How did everybody forget this?)
Jerry is still mad at Dan, even though Dan points out that he took his cross off before the votes were cast. By Jerry’s logic, he should be free and clear. Jerry, however, does not see it that way. Keesha tells us that Michelle is mad because she “sent Jessie back to his real girlfriend”. Ha! Keesha, if you stop wearing shirts with your name on them, we will be good friends this season.
Dan is freaked out by the completely insane reactions people are having to somebody leaving a game show and goes to his room and hides under a pillow. Then Michelle tries to pick a fight with Renny about whether or not Renny laughed at her that morning. Michelle just keeps picking at something completely meaningless until it turns into a screaming match, and weirdly, I’m on Renny’s side. I feel dirty. Libra and Keesha show up and there’s more yelling. Michelle, seated next to her new BFF April Sapien, keeps saying that “the lie is out”. Well, considering Libra and Keesha were open about hating Jessie and wanting to evict him, the only person in the room who lied is April, who said she wouldn’t nominate him. Libra points this out, and April loses it. I have seriously never seen fights on this show like those of the last week or so. Jerry’s strutting around like a butthole, which pains me to say. He throws around some schoolyard insults that only sort of make sense.
April and Michelle say that Dan is “burning” and is a “disgraceful (censored)”. Because, you know, he didn’t vote the way they wanted him too and is therefore going to Hell. Memphis, Memphis mind you, speaks up and tells people to dial it back. Libra also remembers she’s a grown-up, but Michelle won’t stop with the idea that Dan is “burning”. Remember how Memphis flipped out over “womanizer”? He is now the voice of reason! Clearly, this episode is one long opposite sketch.
Memphis comes to visit Dan, and vents his frustration at how much April and Michelle suck. Michelle then opens up to Memphis, which is awkward since she’s so angry that he’s still in the house. Memphis promises he has Michelle’s back. So, whatever. Michelle goes to Dan’s room and asks if he’s really a teacher (huh?) and then asks why he lied. She really wants him to agree that he sucks, and she’s frustrated that he’s not playing along. Then she tells him that he can’t be honest in the house, which will come as news to the freakin’ Truth Patrol out there. I do like that she reminds him he was the “Swingin’ Vote”. When did Dan turn into Tom Decker? Michelle goes off on a game of WWJD, only the “J” in this case is “Jessie”. And what he would do? Flex, probably. Dan smirks as Michelle leaves, because he really did somehow manage to win her over by not saying much of anything.
In the kitchen, Libra and Michelle discuss the all-important issue of whether she will invite people to see her HoH bedroom, and Michelle says she’ll be offended if they don’t go. I don’t get that either. “I’m going to be hurt if you don’t look at the bedroom that I’ll sleep in for one week”. If I were Head of Household, that place would be like Fort Knox. And if I did let somebody in to talk strategy, they’d have to wear a bag over their head. Like I want everybody looking at my stuff. Michelle mentions how excited she is to see her family, and Libra deadpans a perfect “They’re very proud of you, I’m sure.” Hee.
Disappointingly, her room does not showcase two dead pigs dressed in bridal wear. Michelle bores me, and her bunny and family bore me, except that her brother looks like Eric Wareheim in a wig. In the Diary Room, Memphis makes fun of the fact that nobody cares about Michelle. Hey, Memphis? Word.
Michelle reads a letter from her brother and cries. I don’t know how people are standing around and listening. I would have been out of there as soon as that envelope came open. Also, and let me just state that I am a bad person, I thought the letter was kind of sweet at first, and then I remembered that Angie is the one with the handicapped brother. Now I just think Michelle’s brother is kind of dumb.
Renny starts crying and leaves the room. Michelle’s letter made her think about her own family, and now she’s sad. I mean, it’s not like she chose to leave her family for up to three months to be on this show. Wait, she did? Next you’re going to tell me that evicted Houseguests aren’t immediately murdered!
Michelle, April, Jerry, and Ollie slam Dan in the HoH room, including Jerry saying he’ll “burn in hell”, and April calls Libra a bitch multiple times. Ollie’s the only person in the room who’s not irritating me.
After all this buttholery, I might actually be excited about seeing Boston Matt again. Is that possible?
The Houseguests head to the den for the food competition, which is set up like a game show. Well, a half-assed wood veneer game show. The TV tells them that “Big Brother House Guests Return”, and Michelle freaks out because of course, that means Jessie. Well, it doesn’t. Brian appears on the screen. He’s out back as the host of the competition, and he’s actually kind of funny. Remember when trying to be Dr. Will was the worst thing anybody had done this season?
There’s a houseguest from each of the previous nine seasons waiting in the yard as well. Each current guest picks a former guest. Brian then talks about a news story, and the houseguest has to decide if it’s real (“In the news”) or not. Before they choose, the former houseguest throws in their two cents, but they may or may not be telling the truth.
So, in order, we have George (who needs to stop calling himself “Chicken George”, like, now), Bunky (Yay!), Amy, Jun, Jase (Eew), Janelle, Mike Boogie (Double Eew), Jen, and Matt. Bunky has not aged since Season Two, which is weird. Nobody remembers who Jun is. Ollie gives Janelle a standing ovation, and April shoots him a death glare. Ha! Boogie has some epic pit stains going on.
Each question represents a day of the week, and if the houseguest is right, food for that day. If they’re wrong, the former houseguests get cash. First up, Dan picks Boogie and is incorrect about Brett Favre going to the Jets. Renny chooses Jen and is right that gas does not cost six dollars a gallon. Food for Tuesday! Jerry picks Janelle and the question is about Jessie appearing on the cover of a fitness magazine. Which, of course not. Jerry gets it wrong, and Janelle manages to insult Jessie, and then somehow, win a Veto competition.
Memphis picks Amy to play for a grill. The question is about China jailing bald and smelly cab drivers. Memphis is wrong, because apparently that’s true. Huh. Ollie chooses Matt, who immediately calls him “pimp”, and makes a reference to seeing him “do his thing”. Ollie says he’s trying to be like Matt, which I’m sure April appreciates. Somebody asks about Natalie, and Matt says she’s hiding in the bushes, which is mean but funny. Ollie gets it wrong because he doesn’t believe that China has a way to prevent rainfall. Wait, they do? How am I not hearing these things? Libra chooses Bunky, and Libra misses a question about Cheech and Chong reuniting. And while that’s true, I would scarcely call it “in the news”. (except for how it made the “What a Week It’s Bean feature!)
Playing for a feast, Michelle picks Jase and proves once again that we have nothing in common. Michelle makes a robot noise that sounds exactly like H.E.L.P.e.R., and if I thought she were going for that reference, I’d actually like her. Instead, it’s just weird. Michelle correctly guesses that the Big Brother producers didn’t fake an earthquake, so they get a feast. April picks George and is wrong when she guesses that Britney Spears is recording a country album. Keesha’s last, which means she’s stuck with Jun who may or may not have been on the show. There’s some nonsense about Paris Hilton and George Bush, and Keesha is right. So that’s food on Tuesday and Sunday with a feast in there. Man, the houseguests sucked that one up.
Now, immediately after this competition, my DVR gave out due to CBS’ screwed up scheduling. Myndi will finish out the episode, including the suspenseful nominations that we all predicted last Thursday. I’ll meet you guys at the beginning of the next episode!
Up in the HOH room, Michelle and Memphis have a little pow-wow. He’s a little desperate in asking her not to ally with “them”, meaning April, Ollie and Jerry. She’s equally adamant about him not allying with “them”, meaning Keesha, Libra and Dan (oh, yeah, people have essentially forgotten about Renny. She’s in good shape as long as she doesn’t talk.) Michelle confirms she wants to go to the end with Memphis; you’ll notice he doesn’t necessarily return the sentiment. He does try to push the idea of Dan not being allied with the girls, trying to insure she leaves him off the block.
