Welcome to our Snap Judgements about the newly announced cast of Big Brother Season 10. The show starts this Sunday, July 13th, and EJ and Myndi have this thing where they like to judge people based soley on their pictures and bios on the CBS website. Sure, they aren’t always nice, and they often make completely inaccurate assessements, but that’s the fun, isn’t it? EJ takes on our first seven hamsters, and Myndi wraps it up with the last six houseguests.
And don’t forget to join us next week for recaps of the show!
Brian – Man, check out that profile. He explodes out of the gate, but then gets more and more boring as you read. Honorably discharged from the military! An international military recruiter and snowboarder! Wow! An international military recruiter? Don’t you have to be, you know, American to be in our military? Or maybe he’s freelance and recruits for militaries around the world. Where are your allegiances, Brian? And what does snowboarding have to do with anything? I want to know more about this man.
But then we move on and find out he’s “a guy’s guy” and that he loves his mother. OK. He reads Maxim. If that fact makes it into your bio, there is something inescapably sad about your life. He also likes Led Zeppelin, so he’s totally that guy. And strangely, he wants to be Vice-President. I have to assume there’s a question about desired political office on the application, because that’s a weird fact to drop. Beyond all that, dude’s got a serious five-head going on, and his unfortunate haircut isn’t helping. His head looks giant! I think he might be a bobblehead.
Angie – I think Angie is cute, but not nearly cute enough that she should be described as “sexy” within the first clause of her bio. But, you know, she can “mix it up with the best of them”, whatever that may mean. Angie’s bio is loaded with strange facts that can’t possibly have any bearing on the game, like that she thinks her father understands her better than her mother does. She also stands up against people who make fun of her brother. Isn’t that sort of the normal reaction when people mock your kin? We also learn that Angie enjoys things that are fun, so apparently she wants us to know that things that are common to the human experience also apply to her.
She’s a Guiness-chugging champion, which sounds like we can expect her to get wasted early and often. That’s always a plus. However, the fact that she wants an “alpha male, confident and muscular”, means that I will probably not like her, because I already feel rejected. There’s something about her smile that freaks me out – it’s almost like she’s gritting her teeth. I’m counting on Angie to absolutely lose it within the first two weeks.
Memphis – Seriously, there’s a guy named “Memphis”! There is no way that’s his real name. And he used to sell bootleg Nikes, so we’re dealing with Memphis, the fauxhawked shoe pirate! My favorite part of his bio is that he is a “Mixologist, which he insists should not be confused with a bartender”. Oh, I’ll bet he insists. Five minutes after meeting Memphis, he will explain the differences at length. And then never stop talking about them.
His interests are fascinating. He enjoys watching Entourage, and you know he totally thinks he’s the Vinnie of his group of friends. Memphis also likes “Johnny Cash, and other types of music”. Technically, I suppose all music in the world falls into one of those two categories. It says he’s been living with his girlfriend for three and a half years, but you just know he’s going to be cruising the hot tub in no time flat, regaling the ladies with tales of running fake Nikes over the border.
April – If you look at April really quickly, she seems hot. But give her some time, and you can already picture Amy Poehler playing her on a future SNL skit. She hasn’t even opened her mouth, and she’s already begging to be satirized. Blondes with crazy eyes are never good news on Big Brother, and she looks a little unhinged. I predict she’ll have the most irritating voice of any housemate. However, the fact that she can’t sleep if the bottles in the refrigerator aren’t lined up properly makes me like her a little bit.
Amy and her pregnant identical twin have matching tramp-stamps, which is adorable. I guess. She also lists having sex as one of her favorite activities, so I think we can see where this is going. Night vision lenses with subtitled sound effects, people. Can she break Natalie’s record of putting out on Day 2? Here’s hoping! She also likes bowling a lot, and it amuses me to think that the bowling alleys in Arizona are full of crazy-eyed blonde nymphos.
Ollie – Ollie has what we call “a winning smile”. Seriously, just check that guy out. That is a man who is really freaking happy to be posing for his website picture. I already like Ollie and want to be friends with him. Yes, his interests are focused on sports and hip-hop, which means our Venn Diagrams don’t intersect at all, but I can’t help liking him. And I love that one of his goals is to win the lottery. Well, it’s good to start with something achievable.
Oh, here we go. His father’s a Pentecostal minister, and in his church they spoke in tongues and practiced faith healing. It says he doesn’t “drink, smoke, or curse”, which is admirable, but history has taught us how Big Brother treats the religious types. Whether that means he’s going to be the Amber type, who self-righteously invokes Jesus every ten seconds, or the good-naturedly dopey “Bible Buddies” type remains to be seen. No, I take that back. He’s totally a Bible Buddy.
Michelle – Her dog is named Ralph Lauren, and she voiced her objection at her brother’s wedding. That’s a snapshot of Michelle’s life right there. Actually, I like that it says she was the “only person” to object. That cracks me up. It’s as if they expected numerous family members to voice dissenting opinions, and everybody else wussed out at the last second. So, you know, we can count on her to irritate everybody almost instantly and to use the phrase “keeping it real” in earnest.
Once again, we get an inappropriate amount of information about her family life. She butts heads with her father, which probably means frequent screaming matches involving the phrase “I have no daughter!” Her bio also mentions her political aspirations, in her case, to be President. Hopefully, she’ll pick Brian as her running mate. By the way, if you have ever appeared on Big Brother? Elected office is not in your future.
Jerry – So, one person really stands out in the lineup. That person is Jerry, who is 75 years old and looks absolutely delightful. Aww, I totally want to hug Jerry. And look, he has an actual bio that tells actual facts about the man’s life. He volunteers at an animal rescue, and he stays fit so he can take care of his wife of 54 years, who suffers from Parkinson’s Disease. Seriously, I’ve already decided that Jerry is awesome, and at some point in the season, he will make me cry.
I love that Jerry has never missed an episode of Big Brother, and even watches the live feeds. Picture your grandfather doing that. It makes me uncomfortable to imagine my Grandpa calling me to talk about A-Baller or ever speaking the name “Mike Boogie”, I know that. This will really be interesting, as he’s by far the oldest Houseguest ever. Can you put a senior citizen on slop? I wonder how he’ll fare in physical challenges. I mean, The Amazing Race has taught us that elderly people can accomplish some seriously amazing things. Still, there are some weird things they do to people on this show. Regardless, I’m on Team Jerry all the way!
Libra–OK, let’s get this out of the way. The CBS website needs a proofreader. If anyone affiliated with the company is reading this, give me a call. Case in point is this horribly constructed sentence: “She has been married for seven years and has three children: a 4-year old girl and recently gave birth to a medical rarity… 4-month old twins, one black and one white.” Really, CBS? This woman had 4 month old twins? Wow, a lot of twins never even make it the full 40 weeks, but she carried her twins an extra 16 weeks! Oh, wait, I see, the rarity is that one kid is black and the other is white. Way to bury the lead! Libra has grown up without a father, so expect a storyline or two revolving around that if she ‘s in the game for a while.
Again with the political history…Libra has voted in every election for which she’s been eligible. That’s admirable. Oprah is her hero (hence the staunch Obama support, I guess) and she describes herself as “spunky”. She is attracted to the likes of Rob Lowe and Nick from Big Brother 8, which I don’t think I’d share publicly. I can’t really get a read on Libra. She seems like good people….except for the part where she’s spending the entire summer away from her infant twins. Her rationale (per the AP) is that they won’t remember. My rationale is, um, your nuts!
Steven–Well, how can I top this, the first lines of Steven’s bio: “Steven is a geographic consultant by day and a rodeo cowboy by night. He is a champion bull rider in the gay rodeo circuit.” First of all, what is a geographic consultant? Does he help people read maps? Second of all, rodeo cowboy by night? Does he fight crime on the weekends? Steve’s a complicated man. He also has a one-eyed dog, and he likes some good TV shows, like Heroes and Project Runway.
He describes himself as “random” and as someone that everyone likes. That’s for me decide, now isn’t it, Steve-O? I want to like you, since you seem sort of cool and fun and are likely to complete freak out Ollie on several levels.
Renny–She’s a woman of 53 who at first glance looked much younger to me. Her profile picture kind of looks like she’s sanded any wrinkles right off her face or injected massive amounts of botox. And, sorry, Renny, but you kind of look like a slightly prettier Patty Lupone, who just won a Tony for Gypsy, but was also Corky’s mom on Life Goes On. I feel sort of bad picking on her right out of the gate, but she also claims to have a collection of wigs and outfits for any social occasion. I find that a bit excessive, but I don’t own a hair salon like she does, nor did I study with Vidal Sassoon, so what do I know? Also, I’m a little nervous about seeing her real hair.
She’s happily married with two grown children, so I don’t expect this cougar to be hittin’ the hot tub or anything. Then again, she says her husband was away on business a lot, so maybe Renny’ll just pop on one of her wigs and cruise the HOH room late at night.
Dan–Oh boy. Dan is from Dearborn, MI, which is the actual city in which I work. Maybe I’ll see him at Target one day. He is a recent Michigan State grad who works as a teacher at an all boys Catholic High School. And he is a staunch conservative who says he is “not a fan” of liberals. He goes so far as to say he’d have left the country if Hilary was elected President. Easy there, Alec Baldwin. He also thinks vegans are “weird tree huggers”. Dan has some issues, people. I think someone might’ve gotten dumped by a liberal vegan.
On the other hand Dan wants a hot, dark-haired, exotic looking, caring partner who doesn’t like parties. Perhaps her hobbies should include being barefoot and pregnant, Dan? Would that work for you? Dan also has quite the refined palate, as he enjoys eating sushi, turkey cutlets, Mediterranean food and Cheez-Its. I’m currently hating Dan with the fire of a thousand burning suns.
Keesha–Hey, here’s someone Dan won’t like! Keesha is a blonde Hooters waitress and proud PETA member. Logically, then, she does not red meat. Weird tree hugger! She does, however, aspire to management within the Hooters organization and has been featured in their calendars. She doesn’t appear to watch much 21st century entertainment, as her two favorites are listed as Thelma and Louise and The Golden Girls.
I hate to think a Big Brother contestant might be sort of shallow, but Keesha’s perfect day is being at the beach with a cute guy by her side. She also has a life motto, and it’s: “You only live once, so have some fun”. First of all, no one should actually have a motto. Secondly, I think she’ll compete with April for most annoying voice. And I bet she’ll have an irritating giggle as well.
Jessie–I know I shouldn’t really comment on how people spell their names, but this is the chick way of spelling Jessie, my friend. I guess since your a body builder, you’re not worried about that, though, are you? He is described as the “all-American boy next door” from Iowa. I’m actually surprised the writer restrained from calling him “corn-fed”. I’m a bit disturbed that Jessie wanted to point out that he eats Hamburger Helper. All I can think of is Randy Quaid in National Lampoon’s Vacation: “I don’t know why they call it Hamburger Helper, it does just fine by itself”.
A former train conductor on the Union Pacific Railroad (hey–maybe Jerry knows someone who helped build that!) Jessie aspires to be Vice President, since it’s basically all perks with no responsibility. Ah, kids today. So entitled. He also states that his father is his hero and gave him the choice of doing right or wrong. I don’t totally understand that, but I think he means well.
There you have it, thirteen people who we’ll all watch do approximately nothing for the next three months! See you next week!
