Big Brother 11: Snap Judgements!

Kevin: Kevin’s bio is a masterpiece of awkward CBS writing.  They don’t want to say that he’s gay, so they use code words like “fabulous” and “bitchy”.  There is, eventually,  a line about growing up in the closet, but that’s part of a reference about his talent for deceit.  That aside, his proudest moment is being excommunicated from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, which is pretty great.  He hopes that he can impress his estranged parents by being on the show, which is something that has never happened, ever.  Nobody impresses their parents by being on Big Brother.  Something tells me he’s going to get tiresome quickly – sure, bitchy is funny.  But when you declare yourself bitchy, you’re just trying too hard, like the human equivalent of a Sex and the City repeat.

Natalie:  Know how you can tell that Natalie is extreme?  The first sentence of her bio ends with an exclamation point!  Nobody can intimidate her!  Boosh!  This “feisty Latina” has no problem with “lying, cheating, or stealing”.  Wouldn’t that be awesome if they just had a straight-up thief in the Big Brother house?  She’s a poker player and a World Champion bronze medalist in Tae Kwon Do.  I am especially excited about this last part, because it means a whole season of Foot Fist Way references.  She says it would be “foolish to underestimate her” and she invites her competitors to “bring it on”.  Oh, Natalie.  You just know that it’s already been broughten.

Chima:  Chima wears slightly less makeup than the Joker.  Also, her name is “Chima”, and she describes herself as “an exotic beauty”.  I’m pretty sure that means she’s a stripper.  But in a dimly lit club, where nobody can tell that her entire face has been applied by hand.  I think her bio is also her personal ad, because she’s looking for a man who is “tall, considerate, and has a great sense of humor”.  That’s right, “tall” heads up the list.  She’s “extremely close to her ailing mother and expects she’ll be taking care of her in the future”, which sounds terrible.  Like she’s certainly not going to take care of her sick mom now, but at some point in the future, she’s going to be bringing over some porridge or something.  Chima plans to win by creating and breaking alliances, and I’m surprised no Big Brother contestant has ever thought of that strategy before.  She considers her most important weapon to be her “disarming smile”.  I don’t know about that – I’d be too worried that she was going to show me how to make a pencil disappear.

Lydia:  Lydia is desperate for attention, as evidenced by her many, many tattoos.  I’m going to make a prediction here – I think Lydia is one of those people who substitutes tattoos for an actual personality (BB5’s Nakomis comes to mind as an example).  She used to be a nanny for “a high-profile couple”, and it’s probably some local celebrity that nobody outside of her hometown has ever heard of.  Or maybe it’s Jon and Kate, in which case, Lydia has a lot of explaining to do.  Liars “get under her skin”, so it’s a good thing she’s on this show, right?  Also, she doesn’t like to watch sports.  Since watching sports is not a part of, or even an option in, Big Brother, I have to assume this is coming up because she’s militant on the issue.  Like, if you mention sports, she’ll punch you.  I hope she punches somebody.

Ronnie: Hmmm, I assume there’s a reason why Myndi demanded that I write Ronnie’s entry.  I wonder why that could be.  Well, he’s a mousy looking guy in glasses who mentions both video games and Star Wars in his bio, so yeah.  I love that the first paragraph is gushing about his wife, while the second says that he sometimes plays video games so much that he sometimes ignores her.  Ronnie’s head is an interesting place to be.  And by the way, I’m not sure playing video games for up to six hours is all that noteworthy.  I mean, sometimes you start early on Saturday, and that “Four-Leaf Clover” mission on Grand Theft Auto IV is really hard, and you’ll have to run through it at least a couple of times, especially if you don’t realize that you can lose your wanted level by running through the subway tunnels before you grab a car, and then when you’re done, it’s like a runner’s high and you keep playing and before you know it, it’s dark out.  My point is this:  Welcome, Ronnie.  You’re among friends here.