Celebrity Apprentice

Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Part 10 (Mar 10)

Previously, on Celebrity Apprentice: Piers Morgan and Carol Alt embraced their opportunity to create pornography in the service of selling Dial Soap. Tito Ortiz sat at the grown-up table, managed to get pasgetti all over everything, and was fired. But not before Trump gave him $50,000 for his charity, or two-and-a-half times what the winner received. Because it was Opposite Day and people wore shoes on their heads and hamburgers ate people.

Back in the suite, Hydra waits to see who returns. Piers is disappointed to see that Omarosa wasn’t fired. Then, Piers makes fun of Trace Adkins for naming Tito as the worst performer. “You took out your big lasso and stabbed him right in the back.” Wow. Piers has no idea what a lasso is. Omarosa announces that she’ll be leaving, since she refuses to spend time with Piers. At first, I thought she was quitting the game, but she was apparently announcing her desire to leave the room. Instead of, you know, leaving the room.

Opening credits. You know, I actually sort of want a copy of Stephen Baldwin’s book. I feel like that’s going to be a window into insanity. Of course, I could never walk into a store and buy it, because people would judge. So if anybody wants to buy me a present…

The Retarded Baby Ducklings enter Trump’s apartment. Oh. My. God. I just can’t even adequately explain what’s going on here. Myndi dubbed it the Trumpartment, and I can’t do better than that. It’s like the inside of Trump’s brain exploded and became a living space. Everything is covered in gold. There’s a crystal chandelier, statues, a fountain, and a freaking mural on the ceiling. The Trumpartment looks exactly like what a small child or a wino would picture as a rich person’s house. It’s like a cartoon. It could not be more tacky and gaudy. The only things not made of gold are items that would have their functionality impaired by being made of gold. Trump is totally a James Bond villain.

The Ducklings all say things that sound like they’re impressed, but I don’t think that’s how they mean them. Trace’s “Wow” does not mean “This place is amazing”. It means “Wait, is that a second chandelier? Who has two chandeliers in the same room?”

Lest I forget, Omarosa is wearing a purple dress with white boots and a giant white corset-like belt. If I may steal from Myndi again, she’s dressed like a Fembot. Only, you know, a Fembot who might actually be a dude.

Trump files in with wife Melania, baby Barron, Ivanka and Don Jr. Naturally, Trump immediately starts talking about his apartment. “Some people call it the greatest apartment in the world. I would never say that myself.” Good. Cloak your braggadocio in the guise of “some people”. Barron is wearing a tiny business suit, and he already has the Trump hair, only it’s kind of curly. I can’t decide if this is adorable or horrifying. He’s also got the same Trump face that Donald and Don have, where he sort of looks like a frog. This kid’s got a rough road ahead of him.

Trump explains that they’ve so far raised more than $600,000 for charity. Omarosa is shown looking impressed, probably because not a single dollar of it has gone to hers. He than says “I love art. I collect art.” No he doesn’t. He’s got a golden telescope in the breakfast nook. He so does not love art. By the way, every time somebody says the word “art” in this episode, I think of Dr. Zoidberg and his tax refund. “I’d like one art, please.”

Each team will be running a gallery and selling the work of a single artist. Omarosa volunteers to be Project Manager, and then reminds Trump that this was the task that got her fired in Season One. Thanks for pre-turding the punchbowl. Piers steps up as Project Manager for his team, and he’s got the eye of the tiger. As they leave, there’s a cut of Baby Barron making a hilarious smug face at them as the golden door closes.

Empresario is meeting with Moti Hasson, the gallery owner. Doesn’t he sound like a Star Wars character? Omarosa explains her desire to “kill the other team”, and asks him for trade secrets. Considering he’s working with both teams, this may not be a fruitful tactic. He tells her to follow her heart. I wonder which heart he means? That black void in her soul, or the puppy heart she ate for breakfast?

Trace explains that he doesn’t really care for abstract art, since it looks like a three-year-old threw up. Of course he doesn’t. Stephen Baldwin reasons that Piers will choose the most expensive artist. I love the way Stephen and Omarosa talk about Piers like he’s Lex Luthor and they constantly have to outthink him rather than just try to do a good job on the task.

Over at Hydra, criminal mastermind Piers and the Legion of Doom are meeting with Moti. They learn, through the process of actually asking pertinent questions rather than begging for secrets, that one of their choices is a “New Media” artist, and they can sell the same piece multiple times. This makes them very excited, but I’m not really sure what “New Media” is, in reference to art. Like, I sort of think they’re selling screensavers. Anyway, they decide to go with Shirley Shor, the New Media artist, since it gives them the greatest number of units. In other words, exactly the opposite of what Stephen and Omarosa assumed. That makes Piers the Bugs Bunny to their Daffy Duck. Should Trump shoot them now or wait till he gets home?

Empresario chooses the work of David Kramer, who has sort of a style that looks like turn-of-the-century political cartoons with purportedly hilarious captions. There’s a woman skipping with a caption that says “…I am living vicariously through my credit cards”, for example. I actually sort of like his art style, but the wording is so clunky and unfunny that I can’t imagine anybody would want it on their wall.

They discuss their contacts, and Stephen asks Omarosa for the biggest pimps she knows. Yes, that’s how he phrased it. She says she’s calling four of the “biggest ballers in New York”. Are they basketball players, or does she mean that in a dirty way? Empresario calls their contacts, with Stephen busting out the “Stevie B.” nickname again. Dude, you’re Flea. Accept it.

At Hydra, Lennox Lewis explains that Piers has some great contacts. To prove him right, Piers calls Gordon Ramsay. You guys, I love Gordon Ramsay. I may recap Hell’s Kitchen come summertime. I watch both of his American shows and all five of his British shows, so this is very exciting to me. Gordon curses him out, which is always funny. Come to think of it, I think I might have seen Piers on an episode of Ramsay’s Boiling Point. (Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!) Piers explains in an interview that he’s spent his life asking his famous friends for money. Considering that they’ve been coming through for him, I’m forced to conclude that Piers’ friends actually like him, or else he possesses the world’s largest collection of blackmail photos. He then tells us that he wants to beat Omarosa so badly that she never works on television again. I don’t think that’ll be a problem, win or lose.

In the Empresario suite, Omarosa tells Stephen to stop calling connections so he can research the artist. Of course. Why waste time getting Benicio del Toro to come down and buy art when he can check out David Kramer’s Facebook page? Omarosa calls him “Steve Baldwin” multiple times, which always makes me think of Tobias Funke. “Carl Weathers is calling. Hello, Carl Weathers.”, and explains that since he knows nothing about art, she put him on research. You can see why she’s never won a task as Project Manager in two seasons.

Then, once he’s Googling “art”, she decides that he should make calls while he researches. He explains that he can’t do both at once, which does make sense. Omarosa claims that she’s doing fine with it, even though she is clearly doing neither. She has nobody to call and she assigned the research to Stephen. This is one of her more pathetic attempts to establish somebody else as a failure early on. Stephen Baldwin then says the same thing in an interview, and I somehow feel dirty.

Hydra arrives at the studio and is upset to find out that they have the back gallery. People actually enter through Empresario’s gallery, and have to work their way to Hydra. This does seem like an unfair disadvantage, so their only hope is that Empresario suffers a major failure of leadership. And what are the odds of that happening? Weirdly, when Empresario arrives, Trace starts setting up a computer in Hydra’s gallery, and Lennox tosses him out.

Piers is on the phone and sending somebody an e-mail about buying art. They are careful not to show Piers’ e-mail address, because I would totally hit him up for an interview. Stephen, who is morally opposed to cheating, heads to Hydra’s gallery and stands right next to Piers, reading his computer screen. Piers tells us that he’s not opposed to Stephen cheating, but he should at least admit that’s what he’s doing.

Apparently, to get to the bathroom, you have to walk through Hydra’s gallery, or else leave the gallery space altogether and walk around the building. Piers tells Stephen he has to take the long way. Stephen is miffed. Piers, who acts like this has come up before and now I’m concerned for Stephen Baldwin’s bladder health, tells him that he’s done with warnings, and the next step is violence. That’s right, Piers actually says “I’m going to hit you.” Stephen is perplexed. I’m actually with Piers here. If they’ve got the disadvantage of being in back, they shouldn’t have to deal with the competition tromping through their gallery all day. It’s the threat of violence that makes it hilarious. I would pay good money to watch those two have a slapfight. Seriously, though, everything we’ve seen indicates that this task is taking slightly less time than a showing of There Will Be Blood. How often can somebody pee in that time that it would even be an issue?

As the crew hangs Hydra’s art, I’m once again confused. It seems to be printed on boxes. Do you actually buy the box, or is that just a representation of the screensaver? Between advertorials and New Media art, I’ve been exposed to a lot of new concepts that sort of offend me. There are also some video displays of art, only they move, and I don’t really know what people are actually buying. Piers tells Lennox to stand up front and direct people, and I know that if Lennox Lewis tells an average gallery patron to head to the back, they’re going to do it. I think he should actually be picking people up and carrying them.

In the Empresario space, Trace doesn’t want to put the pricing information next to the paintings. Obviously, you need to do that, but Trace is not the kind of guy who thinks people will spend $5,000 dollars on a watercolor of a man painting the floor. Trace explains that nobody on their team knows anything about art, but Omarosa claims she does. Considering she’s still in her Tranbot gear, it’s safe to say that she knows nothing about art. And by the way, this means that they’re probably not spending more than a few hours on this task, if nobody’s changing clothes.

Moti basically begs them to put the prices near the art, and explains that people need to know how much things cost. Omarosa says that they can just tell people. Moti’s brain is about to explode, because they’re taking one of the necessary parts of an art exhibition, and tossing it out the window. Then there’s just a quick scene of Moti at Hydra, where Piers thanks him for all his help. I know who Moti’s rooting for…

As the gallery opens, Omarosa is physically forcing people toward the Empresario gallery. Lennox is at the door, but he respects people’s personal space, so he’s not actively laying his hands on people. From what we can see, the Empresario gallery is packed, and you could set up a street hockey game with the empty space in the Hydra gallery.

A young woman asks Trace’s help in picking out some really spectacular art for her new apartment. Another tells Omarosa that she’s looking for art and she has cash. People are freaking out over art! They close both deals and hug each buyer. If a stranger hugs me as part of a business transaction, the deal is off.

In the Hydra gallery, Piers is freaking out. And then, suddenly he’s showing off one of the video installations to a woman who claims to love it even though “it’s not diamonds and that’s what I do”. I assume she is famous in some subculture and the diamond thing is her shtick. However, she is not identified in any way. There’s an implication that she’s rich, but she’s got her hair in a butterfly clip. I don’t know what’s going on here. I can’t tell if somebody’s rich unless they layer everything they own in gold!

Commercials. I don’t get that Amne$ia show. Like, I’m not interested in trivia about me, so why would a network think that anybody else would care? I’m not sure that our culture can get any more masturbatory.

At Empresario, a rat-faced man is struggling with the decision to buy art or not. Omarosa claims it will change her life, and if that’s true, it’s incredibly sad. He decides not to buy an unappealing watercolor of a nude woman in an indoor swimming pool. (Anybody want to bet that the Trumpartment contains an indoor swimming pool with a golden diving board?) Piers sells a screensaver to the lady who might be rich or possibly crazy. Stephen tells us that a lot of his contacts have come in, but none have bought any art. Probably because most of it is kind of ugly. Lennox actually comes over and hijacks somebody who’s identified onscreen as “Stephen’s Contact”. That’s kind of awesome. Even more awesomely, he buys a piece of Hydra’s art. Stephen tells the camera that it’s “disheartening to see them stoop so low”, because apparently the moral thing to do is to refuse to sell people something that they have chosen to buy. Stephen’s church is really weird.

All of a sudden, we see Piers selling pieces left and right. Gordon Ramsay’s representative comes down to buy something, which is disappointing. I really wanted Ramsay to show up in person and swear at Stephen. Also, I will never understand being rich enough to have somebody buy art for you. If you have enough money, can you afford to just agree when other people tell you what you like? Another man shows up and identifies himself as “The long arm of Ioan Gruffud”. Wow, Mr. Fantastic can stretch all the way across the Atlantic? Wait… DAMMIT! He goes and makes my exact same joke! Come on guys, don’t snatch a superhero reference from me like that. Don’t make me change my joke to something regarding Gruffud’s role as the voice of Mr. Miracle!

We hear Carol say that several pieces sold out, and it looks like the strategy of offering an artist who could sell multiple editions of each piece was a wise move. Then we see Ivanka and Don Jr. enter, but they never say anything or appear on camera again. Instead, we see some of Empresario’s non-buying visitors ask Stephen for restaurant recommendations. Ha! He recommends a “funky Asian place”, and they all enthuse over how good it is. I don’t like the word “funky” applied to my eating establishments, but I am weirdly curious as to what Stevie B. considers “funky”. With 15 minutes left, we find out that Stephen hasn’t sold anything, but he has apparently made sure people find good restaurants.

In an interview, Piers brags that he’s feeling as good as a person can possibly feel. He goes on to say that this is a personal tragedy for Omarosa, and in her position he would “literally head to the BrooklynBridge to do the decent thing”. That’s right, literally! But hey, why bother heading to Brooklyn when you can slit your wrists with Trace’s lasso?

They file into the Boardroom, and there’s a long shot of Ivanka where she has no pupils at all. What? It’s freaking me out. Is she using her power to paint the future? Because that’s what happens when Peter Petrelli does it. Huh… she’s painting Omarosa, in the back of a limousine all by herself. I wonder what that could mean…

Trump enters, wearing the exact same thing he was wearing in the Trumpartment. In other episodes, he’s at least worn different ties to indicate the passage of time. As is his wont, he asks Piers what he thinks about the task. Piers loved their artist and thinks they won handily. Which is what everybody on every team always says when asked that question. When asked, Carol and Lennox also think that they did well. Yeah, yeah. Everybody always did well. We get it.

Trump asks Omarosa how her team did, and she says… wait. She says that they lost! Wow. They only sold four paintings! So in the whole night, they sold fewer than we saw Piers sell all by himself. Omarosa gripes that Stephen didn’t sell anything, but soon we’ll see that didn’t matter, because Ivanka, with her pupils back, tells us that Hydra sold $164,000 worth of art. OK, that’s impressive. Ivanka then says that Empresario actually only sold three pieces, so Omarosa even got that wrong. They made a total of $7,000. In other words, slightly more than 4% of Hydra’s total. That’s just ridiculous. Piers almost chokes on a stifled laugh.

Omarosa says they selected an artist that their contacts could afford. Could it be that her big ballers were not as big or balled as previously reported? But then their contacts hated the art, so clearly you have to consider that, too. Trump calls it the “biggest slaughter in the history of The Apprentice”, and it certainly does seem worse even than the one season where each finalist put on a celebrity charity event, and one of the guys lost Jason Priestly and had Jamie Pressley threaten to slap the taste out of his mouth. Piers claims it’s a personal victory, and after getting mad before, now he’s gotten even. He twists the knife by stating again that Omarosa is not actually a celebrity and has no business being on the show. Granted, I’ve never heard of Piers before this season, but his list of British contacts leads me to believe he’s considerably more famous across the pond. He goes on to make a personal request that Trump fire two of them, only he actually says “kill”. Piers has a bit of a dark side.

Omarosa claims that the men have done very well, and Trump points out that both teams have two men and one woman. And Carol, for her part, announces that she personally closed $37,000 worth of sales. Don Jr. jumps in to say that she, personally, did four times what Empresario did. Well, actually five-and-a-half, Don, but thanks for playing. I will now use my smug superiority to warm a Hot Pocket, while you dive into a pile of Brazilian models, albeit an inaccurately counted pile. Anyway, Piers says that Stephen should also be fired. Man, Piers is on a roll today.

Ivanka asks Omarosa how she’ll defend herself, and apparently she’ll do so by saying that everybody else did poorly. Nice. Piers objects to calling it a loss, as “catastrophe” is more appropriate. That gets a laugh out of Trump and the Trumplings. Trump tells Piers he can watch the entire Boardroom on the monitor, and Piers says he would have paid more than they raised on the task to see that. Hilariously, Trump says “I think you’ll be very happy”, because we’re all just being open about the fact that Omarosa is going to get fired. Piers smugs his way out of the Boardroom, which would be irritating if Omarosa didn’t totally deserve it.

Immediately, Omarosa claims that Stephen has never brought in money on any of the tasks, which we know is flat-out not true. Stephen says he brought in ten or twelve people, and Trump asks “Did they know who you were?” Ha! Sure, they were people he actually called and invited, so the obvious answer is yes, but that was a fantastic inadvertent burn. Stephen claims that Carol unfairly scooped up one of his contacts, unfair because they “didn’t understand the dynamic” and even though they bought for the opposition “still thought they were contributing to a charitable cause.” Well, they were contributing to a charitable cause. Just not yours.

Trump brings up Stephen’s issues with Piers, and they agree that’s been largely worked out. Omarosa jumps in claiming “He threatened to kick Stephen’s ass, and that’s a direct quote.” Except for how it isn’t. Stephen corrects her, saying that Piers only threatened to hit him. And for my part, it certainly couldn’t be taken as a serious threat. In the Hydra suite, Piers laughs and confirms that he did threaten to hit him. Omarosa then makes the stupidest argument ever, saying that she can’t beat an opponent who’s “as fired up” as Piers is. Yeah, that’ll win Trump over. “I shouldn’t be fired because I never had a chance of winning!”

Ivanka says that Omarosa was the one who got him fired up, and Omarosa claims that he called her “a tramp, a bitch, and a whore”. First off, at least one of those is largely accurate. Second, we only saw him call her a tramp, and that was in response to her taking a shot at his family. In the suite, Piers says “I never called her a whore”, which cracked me up. That’s where his line is, people. At least she then admits that she called him “some horrible things that shouldn’t be repeated”. Omarosa claims that she “knows some things about him.”

Here’s where it gets great. Trump asks what she knows about Piers, and she responds, “I think he’s in the closet.” It’s not a good idea to start with “I think” when somebody asks what you know. However, there’s an immediate cut to Lennox Lewis in the suite, and his expression just says “Word”, and I can’t stop laughing. As I said last week, Piers isn’t gay, he’s gay for Lennox. I’m still surprised that she actually went there. Omarosa claims that Piers has asked for the guys to be naked in “every single task”. No, he’s asked for Piers to be naked in one task and shirtless in another. Lady, it’s funny enough without the exaggeration.

Trump is offended on Piers’ behalf, but he still covers it with “There are homosexuals out there, and that’s fine”. Tolerance, thy name is Trump. Trump says that Piers isn’t gay, and he should come in to defend himself. I’d hate to think that somebody still needs to “defend themselves” on that count, but it’s pretty crappy of Omarosa to throw that out there as a reason she shouldn’t get fired. Trump says Piers can come in to defend himself, and Piers gets up and heads for the Boardroom.

Now, it’s hard not to look bad in this situation. Quite frankly, if you get up to prove you’re not gay, you come off as a homophobic butthole, and right now Omarosa is wearing that crown pretty well on her own. But Trumps’ really putting him on the spot here. So Piers does the only thing he can do in this situation. He strides into the Boardroom, kissed Trace Adkins, and walks back out again! Everybody absolutely loses it, and Trace looks about as embarrassed as a human being can look. Trump has to reassure Trace that he was kidding, and some people have accused Trace of homophobia, but I think when a dude walks in and kisses you, you have the right to be a little flustered.

Stephen tries to get back on task after the hot man-on-man action, and puts the blame on Omarosa, somehow managing to mention a dozen times that his faith won’t let him lie. Trace blames everybody, including himself. Don Jr. agrees that they sucked, but Omarosa has sucked continuously. Ivanka says there’s no reason not to fire Omarosa, and stepping up as a leader isn’t to your credit if you lose every time. Trump says that he’s a big Omarosa fan, but she’s fired. And he says it almost conversationally, like you could actually miss it if you weren’t paying attention. Stephen concentrates on making himself tiny so he doesn’t get fired too, and once it’s clear that Trump’s done talking, he and Trace leave.

On her way to the limo, Omarosa has added a hilarious hat to her outfit. I think she flashes a gang sign in her exit interview, and we find out that she was playing for an aeronautics museum. Or something. And then, we get a promo advertising next week’s episode as “Omarosa-Free”. Hee. I’m kind of eager to see how the two-man team of Trace and Stephen works out, given that they have exact opposite approaches. Without a buffer, this could get ugly.

And as a bonus, here’s a haiku about how much I’ll miss Omarosa.

Not at all. And I
Still have fourteen syllables.
Boosh! And/or Ka-Kow!

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