Celebrity Apprentice 3-8 “My Husband Clogs the Toilet”
The ducklings gather in the ballroom at “Trump Soho”. That doesn’t sound real. Unlike the last couple of tasks which have been companies that you’ve heard of, this week some executives from Clockwork Home Services are there. They’re the parent company of “Ben Franklin, the Punctual Plumber”, “One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning”, and “Mr. Sparky”. So they had Right Guard, Universal Studios, and now… Mr. Sparky. The Clockwork executives say each team has to create a radio spot for all three companies and perform them live. Also, “Clockwork Executives” sounds awesome, doesn’t it? That’s totally going to be the name of my prog-rock concept album. Warm up that paintbrush, Roger Dean!
Bret takes the Project Manager job for Rock Solid, and Summer Sanders takes the job for Tenacity. Bret interviews “What could possibly go wrong?” which had me convinced, eight minutes in, that he was going to be fired.
Trump introduces his wingmen, and AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! What is that thing?! Apparently, this is Eric Trump, the little-seen third Trumpling. There is a reason he is little-seen. Like, if he and Don Jr. are standing next to one another, you’d refer to Don Jr. as “the hot one”. He’s got the Trump face and hair, but he’s also freakishly pale, and you can tell his lips are painfully dry through the television. He’s… startling. And then he’s standing next to Ivanka, which only makes him look more like an orc by comparison.
In the Rock Solid van, the bad kids are already goofing around with rapping, talk of humping Mr. Sparky, oral sex jokes about Ben Franklin, and Bret’s immortal opener for a plumbing ad: “Have you got the poops?” I’m not going to lie to you. Poo jokes make me laugh. And I actually think that wouldn’t be the worst approach to take for a plumbing commercial – you know it’s on everybody’s mind so just put it out there. Maybe with fewer fart noises than Rock Solid is making right now, you understand.
Tenacity talks about their concepts. Summer starts delegating, and Holy immediately starts re-delegating. Especially when Summer puts Cyndi Lauper in charge of music, but Holly really wants to do one of the jingles. Because she can probably write a catchier song than Cyndi freaking Lauper. Holly whispers to Summer about how to handle Cyndi while Cyndi is two feet away. The Tenacity van must work exactly like Monica’s apartment on Friends! If you turn slightly away from somebody, they can’t hear you no matter how close you are. Also, Holly keeps saying “we” when talking about managing. It appears that everybody has gotten used to thinking of Summer as an outgrowth of Holly, including both Summer and Holly.
Rock Solid arrives at their studio, and they’ll be set up across the lobby from Tenacity. Near either studio door are a set of three standing displays, one for each company. Bret brings a set into the Rock Solid studio and turns the other set to face the wall. Corporate espionage! That ought to cause full seconds of confusion on Tenacity’s part. The Clockwork Executives catch this, and think it’s pretty funny.
The executives first go to meet with Tenacity. As happens in every meeting, somebody asks if humor is important. They don’t want jokes at their expense, which is true of most companies, I would imagine. Except Burger King – how does a giant organization like that have such insane and sometimes creepy ads? Summer alludes to the question that haunts me for most of the episode – why Benjamin Franklin? And she really just asks it that way, but I’m thinking that if you have a plumbing company and an electrician, and you name one after the man who discovered electricity, well, maybe you wouldn’t pick the people who fix toilets. They explain that when Ben moved from Boston to Philadelphia, he brought his bathtub with him. Cyndi mentions that Ben took a lot of baths in France, and she sort of cuts herself off. Just wait for the Boardroom. She then explains how old-time bathtubs used to work, and then we cut to an interview where she explains that thanks to HBO’s John Adams, she knows that Ben Franklin liked taking baths with French women. You know, I haven’t seen John Adams, but apparently Tom Wilkinson has multiple bathing scenes. So for those of you who saw Batman Begins and said “I wonder what Carmine Falcone looks like when he’s wet and naked and sitting in a metal bucket”, you should probably check it out.
In the meeting, she mimes Franklin playing the flute, and Curtis Stone just stares in amazement. He’s never sat in on a Cyndi meeting, and he had no idea that’s how these things went. She then mentions that she remembers old beer commercials with Benjamin Franklin and “it’s nice to know about the tub”. Cyndi’s head is a fascinating place to be.
Holly interview about how Rock Solid is “way too wild for this task”, and as we pan across the lobby, we can hear that Bret is still making fart noises. That’s what the Clockwork Executives walk in on. (Clockwork Executives – a Terry Gilliam film) Maria Kanellis asks about humor, and we see them give the exact same answer as before. Bret assures them that they’re not trying to be offensive – they mean to go out there, and then reel it back in. Hee. That distinction does not comfort the executives. (By the way, if a comedian ever describes their style in this fashion, they are basically admitting that they are terrible and probably do a lot of racist jokes.)
Bret asks a lot of questions about their pricing policies, which seems irritating now, but I think he’s actually trying to get information in his own Bret fashion. He then shares his idea about how somebody might lie about address to get free plumbing. Bret really seems to think it’s genius. The Clockwork Executives wear expressions that can only be described as annoyed indulgence. Sharon complains in an interview that they didn’t laugh at all. Well, somebody should try being funny. That’s where it usually begins. The meeting ends with Sharon convinced that all three of them will be fired.
You know, if the crew of Celebrity Apprentice ever put out a coffee table book of New York photography, I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Summer assigns each of her three team members one of the commercial, leaving her free to play Farmville all day. Holly wants to make sure the commercial opens with two people discussing the company. So in other words, make it exactly like every radio commercial in recorded history. Cyndi talks about having a dialogue between the Founding Fathers, since people don’t automatically associate Ben Franklin with punctuality. Despite everybody looking at her like she’s describing the taste of live puppy, that’s a really good idea. People don’t associate Ben with either punctuality or plumbing, so it might be best to make that explicit. (Top three association with Ben Franklin: Electricity, bifocals, hookers.) She’s not expressing it well, but she has the right idea. Summer basically scolds her for not listening to other people. Because her management style is, I don’t know, schoolmarm-y. Holly joins in, and Cyndi is pretty much over it at this point. She knows they’re not going to listen to her anyway.
Curtis interviews about the different “vibe” at Tenacity, and allows that Holly and Summer “can be a little bit bitchy”. Curtis just wants to go back to Rock Solid – they may have been bad at everything, but dammit, they had fun. No talking about people behind their backs to their faces until they developed eating disorders, no sir!
Bret and Sharon argue over whether it’s “One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning” or “One Hour Air Conditioning and Heating”. Turns out, some of their promotional material actually has it wrong, including the big toy truck that Sharon’s playing with. Hard to believe they haven’t gone national, right? That’s the one they’re having trouble with, since it’s kind of a mouthful. Bret turns out some kind of word jazz, but it’s really just him having a conversation set to a song we can’t hear for a few seconds and then saying “da da da” over and over again. Bret likes to keep his bursts of inspiration brief. And uninspired. Then they get into a discussion of using the phrase “hot and sticky” in the ad, which Bret thinks is hilarious and subversive. It is not, but basically Rock Solid is the Sweathogs now. And yes, that means Sharon is Epstein. I bet after she was sick, her note to Trump was signed “Sharon’s mother”.
Over at Tenacity, Curtis is the worst singer in the world. His singing voice is actually less musical than his speaking voice. He runs through the ad copy that he wrote, and Summer seems mad that he used some more Australian wording. Guess what? That would take two seconds to fix. You can either say that to Curtis, who probably knows by now that he is, in fact, Australian, or you can wait until he leaves the room and complain about him. If you’ve been paying attention, you can guess which one Holly and Summer are going to pick.
Rock Solid plugs away at Ben Franklin, which sounds dirty. I think I’ve been hanging out with Rock Solid too long. Bret comes back to the idea that Ben Franklin should rap. Which is better than his next idea, where Ben says “We plumbers know that people crack a lot of jokes at our expense”, which is literally exactly what the Clockwork Executives told him not to do. (Clockwork Executive – that’s a boss in Brutal Legend, right?) Amazingly, Bret feels like he needs to explain the joke. And then a former professional wrestler and the woman who crawls into bed with Ozzy Osbourne tell him to dial it back. And then Sharon has to explain the joke to us in an interview. You guys, ass crack jokes are Rock Solid’s idea of subtle humor. Bret is convinced that they have to go for it – he says he’ll take the fall if it bombs. Well, you have to choose what hill you’re willing to die on. And that, well, is kind of an odd one, I guess.
Cyndi works on a jingle, and it’s got kind of a neat, old-school radio vibe to it. Like there’d be a kick line behind the person singing it. Granted, kick lines on radio don’t really have the same impact. Summer reads a first draft, which tries to fit approximately one million words into thirty seconds. Is John Moschitta still in the business? Because he could nail it. By the way, the theme of this week’s recap is “References that make EJ seem really old”. Holly recommends saving precious time by not saying “The Punctual Plumber”. Because when you have to cut something for time, it should definitely be the name of the company. This week’s recap brought to you by.
At Rock Solid, Maria is trying to write a jingle and singing everything. Frankly, that’s not a bad idea when trying to write a song. Bret and Sharon seem afraid of her, now that she’s gone crazy. She’s communicating entirely by singing. Like Melody from Josie and the Pussycats. Not that I know who that is. Shut up. Anyway, Bret comes up with a kind of staccato drum beat – to my mind, it evokes something very specific, but I can’t place it. Maria keeps turning everything into an upbeat torch song, which makes Bret actually yell her name while making a fist. They’re totally The Honeymooners.
Tenacity runs through some of their scripts, and Curtis jumps in to say their ads are too boring and safe. Of course, his idea is that the plumber is banging his wife, which might be a little too far in the opposite direction. Then Holly says that her husband clogs the toilet “on the regular”. Ha! Seriously, for a man, that can be a source of pride. We don’t have babies, so it’s the only physical product our bodies make. And if you clog a toilet, it’s like you somehow managed to defeat science. It’s like kickboxing a robot. (The preceding riff brought to you by “EJ is not doing stand-up until after recap season is over and is really starting to miss it.”) Curtis and Cyndi agree that their ads are bland and unfunny, but Summer’s not willing to go into turd joke territory. There’s probably a happy medium there, though. If I ever find it, I’ll let you know.
They work with studio musicians on their jingles, and they’re clearly freaking out that they’re working with Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi’s going to sing the lead on one of the jingles, and it seems weird that she wouldn’t do all three. Not only is she, you know, Cyndi Lauper, but it seems like a consistent voice across the ads would create a brand identity.
In the Rock Solid studio, their singers keeps singing “Ben, Ben, Ben!” like the chimes of a clock. It sounds cool at first, but if you heard that ad on the radio over and over, it would drive you to murder. Ivanka shows up to check things out, and Bret asks if she wants to sing. It would be awesome if she suddenly produced a microphone and took things down a notch, but she does not. They explain their ads to Ivanka, and when Bret does the “crack” line, he busts himself up. Bret Michaels is a man who appreciates his own jokes. Ivanka is not sure that’s the best way to go, especially since the Clockwork Executives said not to. (“Clockwork Executives” – the new video from OK Go!) Bret decides not to emphasize “crack”, but to leave the line as is.
AAAAHHH!! The evil albino from The DaVinci Code is going to kill Team Tenacity! Wait, my mistake. That’s just Eric Trump. Summer talks about how great her team is and how they’re not going to try to be interesting or memorable. She says it in a less negative way, but the intent is there. They do a couple of their jingles for Eric, and it seems like all of the jingles are really just the company name, phone number, and sometimes the slogan. Is this what radio ads sound like now? I just have the iPod on when I’m in the car, so while I’m well-versed in Tom Waits albums and episodes of Tom vs. the Flash, I have no idea what’s on the radio. Do morning shows still suck?
Eric talks to the camera, which makes his features even stranger. You know how Beavis and Butthead look totally different in ¾ view than they do straight on? Their features don’t match in different views because they’re so crudely drawn. That’s what’s happening with Eric here. I don’t even know what he says, so disturbed am I by what’s going on in the Face Zone. Oh, also when he’s talking to Tenacity, he makes a finger tent with his hands just like Mr. Burns.
Later on, Bret asks Maria to steal him a slice of Pizza from Tenacity, which she gladly does. Curtis chases her and seems kind of mad. Maria has a great interview which convinces me that I love her – “Curtis is all ‘I’m Australian, and I’m the greatest’”. Ha! Maria tries to make the point that Bret might pass out without food, but she’s giggling while she does, so it doesn’t seem sincere. Sharon claims that Curtis “thinks he’s so hot”, only she makes the “whipped” noise before she says “hot”, so I think heat makes a different noise in England.
Cyndi records a jingle in the Tenacity booth, but she keeps biffing her cues, and then her voice goes a little weird. Not ridiculously bad – it’s not like she sounds like me all of a sudden. Still, it’s noticeable enough that Summer reacts like she’s been slapped. Cyndi has one of the studio singers step in for her.
Over at the Tenacity studio, Bret and Sharon record their “One Hour” ad. It’s got kind of a funk soundtrack, which Bret calls “70’s porn”, but that’s really not what it sounds like at all. I speak from my vast experience with 70’s porn, by the way. It actually sounds kind of cool, except that Bret seems to be doing a rather uncomfortable “Black guy” voice. Come on Bret, save that amateur hour business for Robin Williams and The Cleveland Show. Bret stresses that the arrangements have to be simple, since they’re performing them live. That’s a good point. The live performance adds a weird element to this task.
After the commercial, it’s just a regular morning in NYC and HOLY CRAP! SOMEBODY DROVE PAST THE CAMERA IN A MOTORIZED HIGH-HEEL SHOE! What is that thing? How did the crew not abandon their posts to follow the giant shoe? I am not making this up – it’s a shoe car. Does this happen often in New York? Is it like living in Metropolis, where you don’t even bother to look up when Superman is in the air anymore? Are these people bored by shoe cars?
In the Tenacity van, Cyndi does vocal exercises, which seem to involve biting a handkerchief and making strange melodic noises. I feel like she’s probably doing something that’s worked for her in the past, so I trust her judgment. It’s still really bizarre. They discuss whether Cyndi’s going to be able to sing tonight, thus creating tension.
At Rock Solid, Bret quotes Larry the Cable Guy. I take it as a point of pride that I have never willingly spent time with anybody who says “Git ‘R Done”. I just realized that Bret is wearing what appears to be a floral print bandana. It’s too scrunched up to tell for sure, but those really look like flowers. Did he run out of bandanas and have to make one out of a lady scarf? He’s still working on selling the porn ad, which doesn’t sound near as bad as Sharon thinks it does. Also, Bret wants to say “cojones”, but says “kahunas” instead. It falls apart from there, with Sharon saying “I’m going to put my plunger up your pipes”, which as a double entendre exhibits a shocking unfamiliarity with both plumbing and sex. Bret finally says “Let’s go out big”.
Holly asks for Summer’s help in deciding whether Cyndi or the studio singer should do the jingle. So Holly, who is not Project Manager, needs help to determine who’s going to sing. I don’t think that’s a decision Holly is necessarily supposed to be part of, and she certainly shouldn’t be taking point on it. Holly doesn’t think Cyndi’s voice is “mainstream enough”. Yeah, it’s not like she’s ever had any massive hit songs or anything. She might be a little too out there for America. You know, it strikes me that not only are Holly and Summer bland now, but you could drop them in the 50’s, and they’d still be bland. “This Elvis Presley – I don’t know. I think he’s a little wild. Do you have milkshakes in Extra Vanilla?” Cyndi struggles with the cues in the ad, but she’s sure she can do it. Summer tries to talk her out of singing, but Curtis pushes for her.
It’s time to perform! The teams are actually going to perform in the studio while the Clockwork Executives listen from another room. (Clockwork Executives – I’m pretty sure they were villains in Grant Morrison’s Doom Patrol run.) Rock Solid is up first, and Bret compares the experience to being in Seabiscuit. I don’t think I saw that movie, but it was about horses, and not ass cracks, right?
Oh man, there are old-school microphones there. Whenever I see one of those, I always get the urge to grab it and say “Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the ships at sea”. They perform their ads, and we’ve heard them in bits and pieces about a thousand times, so there isn’t much to say. Maria complains about not being able to gauge the audience on a live feed, which would suck. Her interview is pretty funny – she doesn’t do much this week, but her interviews are hilarious. You know what I’d suggest if I were a member of Team Rock Solid? (Just saying that feels like somebody stepped over my grave.) The porno ad is framed as a phone call between Bret and Sharon – Sharon’s the straight man, so I think the music should only play when Bret is speaking. It’d be more interesting to listen to, in my opinion. Team Rock Solid did not ask me. The executives don’t like the crack joke, which should not be even slightly surprising.
The executives discuss how original the ads were, which I really didn’t hear at all. They are impressed with Bret and his passion. They’re disappointed at the plumber joke, but they seem to be positive overall. I’m just stunned at what they consider to be edgy. Like, I’m not a wild guy, but this all seems pretty vanilla to me. I guess that’s why I’m not a successful executive.
It’s Tenacity’s turn, and Cyndi approaches Summer with a “Put me in, coach” speech, and Summer agrees. Again, we’ve heard these over and over, but I want to note that one of their voice actors really moves his arms around a lot. I don’t think he knows how radio works. Or maybe he doesn’t know how arms work. The execs love Cyndi’s voice on the One Hour spot. The Clockwork Executives discuss the ads and seem generally positive. (Clockwork Executives – didn’t they take over Planet Express in an episode of Futurama?)
Kodak Moment of the Week time! Was it Holly’s visit from her family, Bret stealing the signs, or Cyndi singing? With only 73 votes to go around, you’ll want to choose wisely.
And now, it’s time for the Boardroom. Trump asks the failed clone of Jake Busey if he enjoyed being on the show. Oh, wait. That’s just Eric. Bret and his bandana made from my grandmother’s drapes say that he’s pretty sure they won. Sharon said Bret was a fantastic Project Manager, then adds “No, seriously”. Ha! Trump asks Maria if Bret was “very good or fantastic”. He’s becoming a living Stephen Colbert joke right now – come on Trump, ask if he was a great Project Manager or the greatest Project Manager. Bret says that they “spit up some great ideas”, which gives some real insight into Rock Solid’s process. Ivanka says that she felt like Sharon’s job was try to rein Bret in, and Sharon agrees, but makes it sound like it reflects positively on both of them.
Summer says that her team definitely won, and that they didn’t have a weak link. She and Trump agree that Cyndi was a “strong link”, which doesn’t make any sense. If a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, having one strong link doesn’t help with anything. Your metaphors are weak and confusing! Curtis agrees that they probably won, and that he personally did a good job.
Cyndi jumps into complain about the straight-arrow executives, and I have to transcribe her speech in full.
“So how come you made Benjamin Franklin plumbing? This is the guy who, y’know, discovered electricity, right? With the key and everything, and you always see him with the kite. Now he’s a plumber, and I ask why. And he said it’s because he was kind into plumbing. I said ‘Really? How?’ And he said they didn’t really have plumbing in those days but he took a tub with him wherever he went. And I said to him, you know, I saw that John Adams think on HBO and I saw him in the tub with a lot of French women. I left that part out. I didn’t tell him about the French woman.”
Bret is literally crying with laughter as Cyndi talks, and Ivanka looks like she’s going to lose it.
Trump asks Bret about the ‘crack’ joke, and Bret says that if that’s they why they lose, he deserves to go home. Bret stands firm on the ass crack. They play the Ben Franklin ad, and then the Mr. Sparky ad, the one Clockwork liked the most. I like how Ivanka explains that “Of the three, it’s the one they felt like they could put on the air if they needed to.” So, in a crisis situation, they could live with this one. Curtis criticizes the ads and Sharon makes a face. This is going to come up later.
The Lost Winter Brother says that Clockwork thought Tenacity tried to pack in too much information… Oh, wait. That’s just Eric Trump. Clockwork also thought the ads lacked originality, but they liked Cyndi. They play the One-Hour ad, the one where Cnydi sings. And then they play the Ben Franklin ad, which Clockwork liked best, though I can’t possibly tell why. It’s super-boring.
Clockwork thought one team was “OK at best”, and the other was “fantastic”. Despite all the foreshadowing, Rock Solid wins! Maria and Sharon start singing the Mr. Sparky jingle, and Bret wins another $40,000 for the American Diabetes Association. That is more than the Pawnee Telethon raised, right there.
Trump asks Bret who he’d fire. Bret just says he’d fire Summer because she’s tough. Sharon says “Curtis”, as if there were no other possible answer. Sharon details why she doesn’t like Curtis, and Cyndi jumps in to remind her “He’s Australian”. Hee. Sharon makes fun of his accent, and a British person making fun of an Australian accent is awesome. It’s like that episode of Flight of the Conchords where the guy won’t sell Bret an Apple because he thinks Bret’s Australian, but then they’re friends after Bret and Jemaine explain that they’re from New Zealand. (And yes, that is two consecutive paragraphs with references to Aziz Ansari projects. Let’s see if we can go for three!)
Curtis is laughing about this, and Sharon further claims that all Australians are smug, and I sort of get the feeling that everybody’s just dicking around. Maria jumps in to agree and says she wants to punch him. I’m convinced that it’s all meant in fun, but Trump absolutely isn’t. Trump says Curtis seems like a nice guy. He should have somebody follow Curtis around just so they can Observe and Report. (And that’s three! Thank you very much!) Rock Solid is dismissed from the Boardroom.
Creepy Eric Trump asks what Holly did, and she says she did the entire Mr. Sparky ad. Eric’s follow-up question is basically “So Cyndi did all the work, then?” Hee. Ivanka wonders why Summer put everybody in charge of one ad all by themselves, and then wonders which was the strongest and the weakest. She thought Cyndi’s was the strongest, but can’t decide which was the weakest. Trump emphasized that Clockwork liked Rock Solid much better. It wasn’t even close!
Summer says she didn’t know if they could be edgy in their ads, and you know, it’s not like Rock Solid was “edgy”. Tenacity’s ads were just insanely boring. There’s still some serious real estate between “boring” and “offensive”. Cyndi explains that she lost her voice, probably because of her dust allergy, but Trump says the executives thought she sounded great, but wish they’d heard more from her. I can see that. Especially since I said that exact think, oh, six pages ago. (Man, these recaps are long.)
Summer has to bring two people back to the Boardroom, and she decides that Holly is the one who should be safe. Well, there’s a bad move right there. If they’ve specifically cited Cyndi as a highlight of the team, you know she isn’t being fired. Better to send her back and then have Holly with you to gang up on Curtis. It’s important to create a two-against-one situation, but only if you’re in the “two”. They leave the room so Trump can pretend he cares about his children’s input.
Trump brings in the remaining candidates, and right away Summer says that she hates losing. Trump asks Curtis why everybody hates him. Hee. Curtis says that he’s never worked with Sharon or Maria, so he really doesn’t know what their deal is. And then Trump says he didn’t fight back, which puts Curtis in a bind because it seems pretty obvious to me that they were joking around. But you can’t tell Trump that he didn’t get it, because that’ll get you fired. Instead, Curtis says that he prefers to speak respectfully to women.
He asks Summer who should be fired, and she says she can’t answer that question. Trump: “You’re gonna have to”. Summer finally says that if it’s not her that he fires, it should be Curtis. Wow, she’s coming out swinging. Trump tells Cyndi that unless she says something really stupid, “which is possible”, she’s not going to be fired. In fact, he kicks Cyndi out, just to mitigate the possibility that she will, in fact, say something really stupid. Curtis mentions that he says they should have been edgier, but Summer didn’t listen.
Ivanka asks which of them will be stronger going forward. Both of them think that they themselves will be stronger. That’s really the only way to answer that question. And they rehash this at length for several minutes. It’s not like either of them is ever going to say “No, fire me”. Trump finally gets bored with this circular discussion, and he fires Summer. Boosh!
Next week, Trump shuffles the teams. Curtis is stuck with the people who threatened to beat him up, and Holly has to deal with Cyndi and Bret. Also, Cyndi drops some Yiddish, picking up the Goldberg torch. Until then, I am hell up outta here!
