Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 10
The retarded baby ducklings sans Joan meet in the lobby outside the Boardroom. Donald, the Trumplings, and the nameless executives stand there awkwardly until the elevator dings and Joan Rivers bursts into the room. “My taxi was late”, she says. And by “taxi” she means “producer”. And by “late” she means “manipulated events for maximum drama”. Oh, and also, take out “was”. It reads better that way. In an interview, Annie Duke tells us there’s a reason that Joan got fired from the TV Guide Channel – “She’s a bitch.” Seriously, how do you get fired from the TV Guide Channel? I think I might have a show on that channel!
Trump announces they’ll be working with “one of my favorite brands, Chicken of the Sea”. Really? That’s one of his favorite brands? And also, they still make Chicken of the Sea? I don’t think I’ve see one of their ads in 20 years. Anyway, the task this week is to create a new jingle for Chicken of the Sea. At this point, Clint Black is smirking like there’s a sale at the smirk outlet store (in beautiful Pawnee, IN). In what might be the greatest non-farting interview ever, Brande Roderick realizes that she and Annie are up against a team that includes a Grammy Award-winning musician. “Holy S”, she says, and then just a second later adds “…R…A…P”. That’s right, “Srap”! To her credit, she catches it right away and busts out laughing, and it’s really funny.
They have to incorporate the company’s old jingle into the new one, and also write a separate 30-second radio spot. When asked to pick a Project Manager, Athena tries to choose Clint, who’s not on their team. Oh, Clint is loving this. They end up going with Annie. KOTU picks Clint, even though he was Project Manager last week. Trump asks if Jesse James is OK with that, since he didn’t get along with Clint last week. Jesse: “I like Clint now.” Ha!
In the Athena suite, the women do some research on tuna to make themselves feel better about the fact that they have no musical talent. They meet with the Chicken of the Sea executives, who wish to stress that their brand is “Natural, healthy, and convenient”. It’s the least hilarious executive meeting ever, because nobody is off pursuing their own agenda. You can imagine my disappointment.
At KOTU, their meeting is a little more awkward due to Clint’s inability to phrase questions like a human. He seems actively terrified that Chicken of the Sea might, as a company, hate humor. Dude, don’t give Clint the “humor” option, or you’re going to end up with a midget masturbating into a tuna can. Once the execs leave, Jesse suggests a direction from the jingle. Clint’s immediate reaction is “Other than that, what else can we do?” Ah, Clint is in one of those moods.
Team Athena continues to freak out and swear. Brande and Annie argue over who has less musical talent, and Brande wins this one easily. She tries singing, and it’s awful. But it’s not even consistently awful from attempt to attempt. Sometimes she can’t find a tune, sometimes she’s just flat, sometimes her voice goes wandering off somewhere. Every attempt is equally terrible, but in a different way. Eventually, she’s laughing so hard that she’s snorting, which is also pretty funny. Annie comes up with a lyric rhyming “love” with “smell my rubber glove”, which I’m counting as an intentional Spinal Tap reference. I could watch outtakes of these two massacring the concept of music all day.
Clint is excited to get into a recording studio. Almost creepily so. He starts writing music while Jesse and Joan plug away at a script. Clint explains his songwriting process, and even though that’s something I genuinely find fascinating (How do people do that? Like, writing a song is so far away from a skill set that I can envision having, we might as well be talking about having heat vision.), he manages to make it sort of boring and also mentions “brand messaging” because that’s the Phrase of the Day every day. He tries to build the whole jingle around the word “naturally”, and it seems to me that with only 30 seconds, you don’t want to get stuck repeating a four-syllable word. He premieres his jingle for the team. Jesse likes it, Joan thinks it’s “magical”. Not that she’s prone to overstatement or anything…
Back at Athena, the Tone-Deaf Twins finish up their lyrics, which are acceptable until Brande tries to sing them. Next, they work on the commercial, and their first 30 second runthrough is 56 seconds long. Yikes. A few years ago, I entered a contest to create a 30-second commercial for an Internet Browser. The first cut was nearly six minutes long. We did not win.
We hear Clint’s jingle again in the KOTU studio, and the opening sounds really familiar to me. I’m really bad at this kind of thing, but it sort of sounds like the opening to “Georgia on my Mind”. So you’ll have to forgive me if I occasionally get this episode confused with Designing Women. Those Sugarbakers were just so sassy! While Clint micromanages, Joan and Jesse discuss whether the jingle should be “zippier”. Actually, what they have to discuss is whether it’s worth mentioning their concerns to Clint. Joan convinces Jesse to do so, and at one point, Jesse refers to Joan as “the geriatric comedian”, which makes me laugh. Surprisingly, Clint agrees to record a faster take just in case. He’s got a sour face the whole time, though. Like it hurts him to tinker with his masterpiece. (Or as the titular hero of Clint’s upcoming vanity press novel Flint Brown: Bluetooth Cowboy put it, “A song is a song is a song. Once you try changing that, maybe it isn’t a song anymore.” Of course, at that point, Clint just went and talked to the tech guys while Flint shot a zombie in the face with a shotgun.)
Don Jr. goes to visit Athena, and for some reason he has Vincent Vega’s hair from Pulp Fiction. Annie brags that even though KOTU has a musician, she understands the brand better than they do. Apparently, Annie has intimate knowledge of her opponents’ specific tuna knowledge. Advantage: Duke. Brande offers to wear a mermaid costume, and Don says it should be “as skimpy as possible”. Uh oh. Don Jr. really is becoming his dad. He can prepare for the dance contest at Jackrabbit Slim’s all he wants, but he is becoming that guy and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.
In the KOTU studio, Joan really wants to add clucking and a splash to the end of the jingle, but Clint is not having any of that. “There’s no way to tell how they’ll respond to a cartoon of their image”. Man, they had Jessica Simpson do ads. They’ll take what they can get.
Ivanka visits KOTU, and likes their jingle. Clint asks “Does it make you want to go and eat some tuna?”, but the way he says it makes it seem like a euphemism for something truly filthy. Ivanka wonders aloud whether it’s the kind of think that they’re looking for, and Clint is pretty sure that it is. Well, of course he is.
Time to records Athena’s commercial, and it’s Brande and an unnamed voiceover lady telling each other facts about tuna. I don’t listen to the radio often, but I sort of remember that this is what commercials sounded like back when I would call in requests so I could record Billy Idol songs onto my tape deck. Is this what radio ads still sound like? And did I just share too much?
Annie talks about how she’s giving Brande “ownership” of the radio spot, which is code for “putting her in charge of something so I can blame her in the event of a loss”. We see them run it through a couple of times, and I sort of hate this ad.
KOTU struggles with writing their ad. They come up with a “Did you know” kind of spot, and then they hire voice people who are terrible. The guy looks like he should have a booming voice, but he doesn’t. KOTU has bad luck with hired performers. And everything else, really. Jesse and Joan run through the script to show them what they’re looking for, and it doesn’t take. They do the ad the exact same way as before, so Joan pretends they’re all set and sends the pros on their way, so the two of them can do it themselves.
The Tone-Deaf Twins work on their jingle some more. They try to explain to the professional musician what they want, and it’s sort of like watching a hobo speak to the United Nations. Annie is frustrated, because she’s not used to not being able to do something. This is one way in which Annie and I are exact opposites.
Joan and Jesse toss Clint out of the recording studio so they can record the commercial. More to the point, they wait until Clint goes to the bathroom and charge in. To the studio, not the bathroom. Jesse’s radio voice for the ad is actually really funny. Clint lets them do the ad exactly twice before kicking them out of the studio. Man, he’s trying to knock out an album there, isn’t he?
We hear a little more of Athena’s ad now, and it’s peppy and actually sounds like a song. I will forget it the instant this episode is over, but it’s not bad. Except for how they rhyme “trust” with “fast”. Annie talks at length to anyone who’ll listen about how she wrote a song. Yes Annie, this means you’re great at everything. We get it. Annie is like Bender in a lot of ways. Except that she’s not an alcoholic robot. The next morning, Annie is still talking about how great she is.
At KOTU, they’re preparing their presentation. They have a “Chicken of the Sea” sign which also mentions Clint Black. One guess who prepared that sign. Joan’s contribution to the presentation will be walking the sign in front of the stage without speaking. Of course, Joan can’t let it die and tries to shoehorn the “cluck and splash”. Clint rejects it, and further decides that she shouldn’t actually be on the stage. Joan refers to herself as “the world’s number one icon in comedy”, which I think might be overstating it a little. Still, it’s pretty silly to have Joan Rivers and refuse to use her like that. The woman knows how to present, at the very least. Clint laughs as she’s talking, which just shows a weird inability to read the room. They actually fight over whether Joan gets to say “Cluck, cluck, cluck” which just keeps getting funnier. She finally has to swear that she won’t cluck.
Presentation time! Annie actually leads with “I’m in such a good mood because our jingle is so perky”. Because she’s great at everything, of course. “Jimmy crack corn, and Annie is great. Jimmy crack corn and Annie is great. Jimmy crack corn and Annie is great…. Take that you stupid corn!” Man, you can give almost any Bender line to Annie Duke and it works. It’s a typically weird Annie presentation where she explains the things they’ll be seeing and thinking. She totally thinks she’s Don Draper.
Their singer performs, and it’s nice that she dressed up for the show. Seriously, she’s dressed like this cut into her busy schedule of watching her stories and updating her Facebook page. Even I would dress up for a presentation, for cry Pete! Next, they play their ad, and it still bugs the crap out of me. Two people talking unnaturally to one another is not very compelling. Also, Brande and the other woman have sort of similar voices, so it sounds weird. With the presentation over, Annie marvels at how she got to be so awesome. She actually says that “I did something incredible”. Yep.
KOTU presents, and Jesse leads off with Clint’s jingle. He’s got four back-up singers on stage with him, because that’s how Clint rolls. It’s a pleasant enough jingle, but it really sounds derivative but I can’t quite nail it. It also sounds really old. Next, they play the radio ad, and it’s not going in the Radio Hall of Fame or anything, but it’s got good energy and it gets at least one laugh. They end their presentation without fanfare, except for the one in Clint’s head all the time. Since Joan hasn’t been bitchy in a while, she talks smack about Annie in an interview, and says a lot of what I’ve been saying.
Time for the Boardroom! Clint calls this his “favorite task”, and he’s proud of it. Hilariously, he says that with their ad they “took a chance on some brash comedy style”. I don’t think anybody’s used that phrase since Ed Sullivan introduced Lenny Bruce. (Note: This is not a thing that really ever happened.) And really? I don’t know that it was “brash”. It’s not like they did 30 seconds of ethnic jokes. They talked in funny voices about tuna. He goes on to call it “outrageous”, and considering this is the guy who did the masturbation ad, nothing short of the Ren and Stimpy episode where they finally just have gay sex onscreen should get that title.
Trump asks Annie if they were at a disadvantage, and you may be surprised that Annie is pleased with herself. She also says that she and Brande “found our heart… together”, which makes me think they made out off-camera. Trump plays the Athena jingle and Annie and Brande sing along because they’re actually dorks. Trump totally tries to get the rhythm for about one second before giving up. Clint calls their jingle “very musical”. Well, it was a song. Clint pontificates about music and how everybody has “music inside them”, and Trump says that Brande probably doesn’t. Hee. He’s really funny when he’s not trying to be.
Joan calls the jingle “adorable”, but doesn’t like the commercial. When they play the KOTU ad, Trump makes a crazy face like he might be trying to blow spit bubbles. After that, it’s time for the feedback. Don Jr. says they liked KOTU’s jingle, and thought the ad did a good job of hitting the main points. However, while it mentioned the tuna cups, it didn’t mention the tuna pouches. Trump is astonished that there is such a thing as a tuna pouch, and then proclaims he doesn’t like that idea. Annie tries to convince him that it’s better than a can, and Don Jr. agrees that it’s more convenient. This tuna pouch is a major sticking point in the Boardroom. Regardless, my new ska band will be called “Tuna Pouch”.
Ivanka says they loved the performance of the jingle, but thought it would only appeal to country fans. Also, their ad didn’t mention the convenience of the product. “All fair”, Clint says, thus conceding that other people are allowed to think things. With all that said, Trump reveals that Chicken of the Sea preferred… Athena! Annie and Brande freak out, and Clint tries to hold in his bitterness. Annie gets choked up about how great she is at everything, and I suspect Joan is rolling her eyes even more than I am.
Once Athena’s gone, Trump and Ivanka both say that they liked Clint’s ad more, probably to prevent him from taking his own life immediately after his is fired. (Oh, I mean SPOILER WARNING!) Ivanka points out that Athena mentioned the product name more, and Trump calls it “zippier”. Jesse says it wasn’t a “creative working environment”, and thinks he and Joan were frozen out. Jesse gives Clint credit for listening “a little bit”.
Joan thinks that the jingle need a punchline, and she tries to sell Trump on “Cluck, cluck, cluck (splash)”, and he makes an angry face. Trump angry! Trump will smash! Annie and Brande make fun of her in the suite. Ivanka points out that nobody complained that the ad wasn’t funny. Trump asks Joan who she’d fire, and she finally picks Clint. With almost no buildup, Trump tells Clint how talented he is and how much he loves him (without proclaiming his heterosexuality this time), but Clint Black is fired. How fantastic is it that Clint went out on a songwriting task? Clint pontificates in a voiceover about how life is too short to be around people that you don’t enjoy. So, has he revised history so that he quit the show because it was spiritually draining? If so, that was fast. Check it out Jack Shepherd – you don’t need a hydrogen bomb to change history. You just need to be delusional! I mean, more so.
Jesse and Joan return to the suite, and Joan just crazily stares at Annie. Jesse compliments them, but the mood in the room is pretty well scrapped. He even pointedly says “It’s easier to be friends than fight the whole time”. Joan leaves the room, and then they all start joking around. Amanda, the pretty receptionist who is bad at talking, calls the four of them back to the Boardroom.
Trump announces that he’ll be firing two more people after they interview with spunkybean favorite Piers Morgan. Weirdly, Trump says that he was criticized for picking Piers as the winner last year, but two weeks later, everybody agreed with him. Was anybody still talking about last season two weeks after it ended? Well, other than me. Of course, this is all meaningless since Trump has already picked his Final Two and we’re just going through the motions.
Brande is the first to be interviewed. Piers leads off by saying she’s “not the smartest tool in the box”. You probably shouldn’t blow a common metaphor when you’re insulting somebody’s intelligence. Brande talks about how Joan used to think she was smart, which is probably not the best defense. She also says that she’s nice. Piers asks if her winning would be a great “two fingers up” to everybody who didn’t think she could do it, and I’m impressed that she wasn’t thrown by the phrasing. (You use two fingers to flip the bird in England.) In the post-game with Trump, Piers thinks it would “demean the show” for her to make it to the finals. This is a little harsh considering what show we’re talking about. We start out demeaned!
Next up is Joan. Piers praises her “stamina”, which is code for “not dying yet”. He asks Joan if she’s a quitter, and asks if she’s not too emotionally wrapped up to really compete. In a really awful moment, Joan says that her family “was killed by Nazis, which shows you what I think of Annie”. OK, this is just making me uncomfortable now. Piers hilariously asks “Is you problem with Annie that you think she’s better than you?” Joan again compares Annie to Hitler, and Piers is all like “You know who Hitler is, right?” Then Joan turns in a weird analogy about how she’ll roll a ball up a hill with her tongue, and I totally just went sterile.
Now it’s time for Annie. Annie immediately stresses her fundraising abilities, which is a good way to go since that’s what won it for Piers last year. Also, Annie loves talking about how great she is, if you haven’t noticed. Piers actually cuts her off, as he’s getting bored with her.
Finally, it’s Jesse. Piers and Donald talk about Sandra Bullock, and how she could have any man she wanted (“Not me”, Donald insists), because it’s still 1994 and we all totally have a crush on her because of Speed. Jesse tells Piers he’s trying to play for the working class people, and Piers just keeps needling him. It’s variations on “What does Sandra Bullock see in you?”, and Piers doesn’t really get Jesse’s gameplay. Jesse really does not want to bring her into this, and for as rich as he is, he really does seem like he’s more blue-collar than anything. Piers says the show is primarily about raising money, and that’s not really true this season. I think they’ve only had three fundraising tasks this season, as opposed to last year. Piers wants to see more fire from him, and that’s just now how Jesse plays. If you see the fire, you are going to die, though.
We’re back in the Boardroom, and Trump says that Piers’ opinion is important, “But I don’t care, it’s my decision”. Hee. Trump asks Annie what’s great about her, which is Annie’s favorite topic. She pokes the bear by saying that Joan is the weakest player, and she’d like to play against her in the Finals. She’s surprised that Joan can’t raise more money and feels bad for her, because her friends won’t step up. I heard some loose talk about how poorly-regarded Joan is among some of her comedy contemporaries, but I don’t know how much of that is true and how much is axe-grinding. Regardless, it’s a great Mean Girl moment from Annie.
Trump tells Annie that people don’t like her, which other than the Rivers family hasn’t really been the issue. Brande, when asked, says she’s the only one who can compete with Annie. Joan patronizingly says that Brande doesn’t know what she’s saying. Brande talks about how hard she’s worked and how much money she’s raised, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Trump’s looking for reasons to fire her now, and if he doesn’t find one, he’ll make one up. He finally says that Piers doesn’t think she should be in the Final Two. And while he doesn’t agree with Piers, he lays on some patronizing srap about how she did better than expected, and then Brande Roderick is fired.
Now, if you don’t know where this is headed, you just haven’t been paying attention. Trump asks Jesse if he’s holding back. Perplexed, Jesse asks “in regard to what?” Trump answers “everything”, which really doesn’t help at all. Jesse talks about how he’d rather work hard than talk about how great he is. Trump wonders if Joan has the stamina for this. Man, that would have been a good drinking game. Do a shot every time somebody praises Joan’s “stamina”. You’ll be blind by the end of the show.
Trump asks Jesse why he should keep him, and Jesse says that the “competition is bigger than Joan”, and Joan claims she’s never failed. That’s why her talk show is still on the air. Trump tells Jesse that Piers wasn’t a fan, and asks why that might be. How is Jesse supposed to explain why somebody doesn’t like him? Anyway, Trump now asks if he’ll bring Sandra Bullock to the Finals, and Jesse can’t answer that question. I think he’s legitimately uncomfortable with that. Whether because it’s not cool to ask your wife to buy a $10,000 cupcake or whether he’s just a self-reliant guy, I don’t know. I mean, I understand keeping your personal life private and not exploiting it just so Donald Trump will be proud of you. So yeah, because he didn’t hit Sandra Bullock up for that sweet Miss Congeniality 2 money, Jesse James is fired. Well, actually he’s fired because Joan vs. Annie is sort of a gold mine, but they won’t say that.
I really wanted to see Jesse in the Finals. I thought something was wrong with him at first, but I ended up really liking him. At least he goes back to his various successful businesses, TV shows, and movie star wife. So, you know, it’s not like this is the end for the guy. He shakes everybody’s hand, and goes out with class. Way to go Jesse!
And here we are with Joan Rivers and Annie Duke. Do you think they’re going to get nasty and overly personal? Is it going to be awesome? You know it!
