Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 2 (Mar 15)
Opening theme! Wow, Dice doesn’t even get a clip from the show in the opening theme. Too bad his Uncle Junior glasses won’t be enshrined for the rest of the season.
Joan Rivers delivers her winnings to her charity – “God’s Love, We Deliver”. You know what? I’m not going to make fun of these segments, unless somebody has a hilarious charity. (Like Tito Ortiz did last season. I think his charity was the Tito Ortiz Gym.) By the way, the amount of the check makes it clear that the women’s total from the last task was the amount before the $15,000 bonus was added on.
The retarded baby ducklings assemble in the lobby of an ornate building with pillars. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Trump introduces his wingmen, Don Jr. and Erin Burnett, who worked with him on a show that nobody’s ever heard of. He says it was the highest rated show in the history of CNBC, which isn’t really as impressive as he thinks it is. There is also a mysterious Asian man with him – he represents e-commerce company Zappos.com – “Everybody’s heard of Zappos.com” says Trump, to the befuddlement of the assembled ducklings and everybody in my viewing group. The Mysterious Asian Man, Tony, explains that each team will be working with an editor and artist from Image Comics to create a costumed mascot and a four-page comic promoting the site.
The women nominate Khloe Kardashian as their leader, surprising both Khloe and Trump. Her expression gives new meaning to the phrase “blank as a fart”. Actually, I guess it really just illustrates the old meaning very well. Her interview contains the phrase “I’m not really familiar with online.” Ha! I do believe we have an early favorite for this season’s “I could almost hardly eat my pineapple”. The men huddle up and make Scott their leader, which pleases Trump.
Since this is a non-cash task, the winner gets $20,000 for their charity, which seems pretty skimpy. I mean, Donnie Deutsch paid half of that for a single cupcake.
Team Athena sits down with Tony, and I have never seen somebody who wants to be on camera less than Tony. He’s so awkward and uncomfortable. Melissa Rivers insanely asks whether he prefers blondes or brunettes. Tony reacts with mild apprehension, because that’s how he reacts to absolutely everything.
Tony heads over to KOTU, and Scott is very proud that Zappos is coming to them for a campaign. Hee. Yes, that’s exactly how it happened, Scott. Zappos has that much faith in you. Tom asks if it can be funny, and Tony eventually comes up with “Humor is not unacceptable”. He’s really just a robot controlled by microscopic aliens, right? Tom keeps prodding him, because he thrives on discomfort. Tony finally leaves to have his emotion software installed, and it’s time to get to work.
Fair warning here: It’s pretty clear that this wasn’t originally intended as a two-hour episode, as this episode features even more scenes of contestants explaining the task to the viewer than usual. I’m not going to bother telling you when it happens – just assume that it is. Often.
Annie Duke makes her disdain for Khloe clear in an interview. “Khloe was chosen as project manager because she…. owns retail stores?” Hee. Team Athena talks over each other and we hear some fragments of absolute insanity. “You can’t have a gay man, because that would exclude the whole Midwest.” I love the way famous people think of “the Midwest” as a sort of amorphic hive-mind. Also, who really gets into the sexuality of advertising characters? Lucky the Leprechaun has been around since the 50’s, and nobody has ever taken the time to question which team he plays for. Also, Joan suggests a midget with the slogan “Long on value, short on frustrations.” OK, that would definitely sway me, especially if the midget had suspenders. But in general, I don’t think making fun of the short is a good way to win hearts. Especially when the sponsors are full of tiny little men manipulating their extremities from within.
Oh, Claudia Jordan pretty clearly hates everybody on her team.
Trump shows up to give the viewers a life lesson. This clip appears in the dictionary under “filler”. If you had a dictionary with embedded video clips. Which I don’t.
Back at Joan Rivers’ House of Crazy, they’ve settled on a superhero, and Joan thinks her power is that “she doesn’t sleep”. Well, that would certainly make for action-packed adventures. Annie divides the team into a design group and a script group, picking herself and Claudia to write the script. Melissa points out that her mother has some writing Emmys, but you know, Joan wants the character to be an insomniac dwarf, so maybe she’s not the go-to on this one.
At KOTU, Scott emphasizes that he’d like to do this “without too much excitement or emotion”. Well, sure. Can’t have anybody really getting engaged with the task. Tom suggests that Clint should be their superhero. Clint says they don’t want a superhero with a cowboy hat, to which I say two things. First, you can take the hat off. Second, apparently nobody’s heard of Greg Sanders, the Vigilante! Not only was he a crimefighting cowboy, but he was also infected with lycanthropy, so there. (And in case you’re wondering – Yes, a cowboy werewolf superhero is the best idea you’ve ever heard.) Dennis has a way to make it “cool as hell. We get a transvestite…” He mumbles at length about a transvestite superhero and making a commercial about “gay guys and gay people”. He then proceeds to actually pitch his concept about a drag queen who stumbles upon Zappos while cruising the Internet for gay sex. You guys, Dennis Rodman is crazy.
In the Athena suite, Annie is breaking down her script on a large pad. Her script consists of “1. Real / Personal — 2. Wow!” Good thing she jumped on that portion of the task, because that kind of facility with words is something that deserves to shine. Their editor and artist show up, and they don’t actually take two seconds to identify them. At KOTU, their creative talent arrives as well, and I was able to figure out pretty quickly that their artist was Michael Avon Oeming, who is awesome.
Now, KOTU doesn’t actually have any ideas yet, so they just waste Oeming’s time while they bicker. Come on, guys! Dude should be busy drawing Powers! Jesse James and Clint have a bit of friction. Actually, Clint has friction with everybody because he cuts people off and talks over them. Tom claims to be outraged that Scott doesn’t take control, and I really can’t tell to what extent he’s screwing around.
Claudia comes up with the idea of a superpowered housewife, and Joan pitches the name Ms. Z. Claudia explains to us that she is great. Then Don Jr. comes in and Melissa pitches the idea to him and takes credit for everything. Claudia bites her tongue, but she’s crazy mad right now.
Athena pitches to a focus group of “comic fans”. Melissa introduces herself as “Melissa, with an ‘M’.” Well, what the hell other way could you spell it? Do people assume that her name is “Nelissa”? And then she makes an “M” with her hands, which indicates either mental illness, or that she has major problems with people being unfamiliar with the name ‘Melissa’.
Since this is NBC, they made sure to find the biggest dorks they could to fill out the focus group. One would think that a network that desperately needs Heroes to regain its rating glory would stop alienating the fan base that they should be trying to woo. But then again, one would also think that a network wouldn’t just throw up their hands and cede five hours of primetime programming to Jay Leno every week.
The same fans travel to KOTU for the most disjointed pitch session ever. Dennis Rodman curses randomly, Scott tells Tom that his pitch is incorrect right in front of the focus group. I like Tom’s idea for “Senor Zappos”, actually. Just go totally over the top in terms of craziness. Scott’s starting to panic.
Oh, they also need to make costumes for the pitch, so without any concept, they’re really in a time crunch. Herschel Walker tries to take control and tells Tom to shut up so many times that I really hope Keenan Thompson plays Herschel on Weekend Update in the very near future. Tom finally gets to pitch, and Scott cuts him off. Clint pitches “every woman at her best”. Jesse, with his creepy unblinking eyes, tries to hurry them along so he can get the costume. Everybody at the table starts telling Scott that he needs to make a decision.
The next explanation of the task is only notable because Natalie Gulbis talks for the first time in the series. There’s hope for you yet, T-Boz! This leads into Joan suggesting that Natalie play Ms. Z for the presentation. Joan calls their costume designer, and immediately asks whether he’s straight or gay. She is very excited that he’s gay. She does not, however, ask if he’s Jewish. How will we know if he likes a lot of crap on top of his cupcakes or not? Anyway, Joan, T-Boz, and Natalie go off to the costume shop.
At KOTU, they’re just now deciding that their character will be female. She’s a woman empowered by the website, and their concept is weirdly reminiscent of Kidd Video. (That was a real cartoon in the 80’s, right? Sometimes I think I made it up. Nope, totally real. I can sing the theme song if you’d like.–Myndi) Dennis, Brian McKnight, and Jesse head off to the costume shop.
Erin Burnett stops in to make fun of them for not having any ideas. Tom explains their idea, and Scott cuts him off. Dude, Erin wanted to hear the pitch! Tom then starts listing names that start with ‘Z’, so they can come up with something. He sort of shouts out random names in the hope that somebody will like them. Again, I really can’t tell if that’s his process, or if he’s screwing with people.
And then Scott Hamilton loses his mind. For Zappos, a company that uses a big ‘Z’ as its logo, he suggests that their mascot be named “EEE”. Take a moment to let that sink in. Think of a worse name. Just try it. I can only think of one, and that would be KOTU. Nobody can believe this craziness, and Tom even prods him with “’E’? Like the drug, Ecstasy?” Nope, her name stands for “Everything, Everywhere, Every time”. Even Oeming can’t believe it, and he’s used to hearing utter lunacy from tiny bald men. (Let’s have a big hand for the most obscure joke in this recap!) By the way, their character design is really cool, probably because Oeming disregarded everything they said and drew something that looked good. Tom Green really tries to talk Scott out of the name, but he’s just not hearing it. Clint Black, professional Scott Hamilton apologist, even thinks it’s stupid.
The Athena design team meets their costumer. They slip Natalie into the pleather nightmare. Everybody talks about it like it’s a really extreme design, like they went way over the top, and they really didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s ass ugly, but it’s nothing particularly exotic or even memorable.
The KOTU designers go to their shop. Jesse is happy to work on the costume because “Making a superhero costume, that’s totally what I’m good at”. And he says this with the air of One Who Knows. Like he’s designed other superhero costumes in the past. Scott calls them with the new name. He actually says “I changed her name…”, which means they must have had something else before. Something for which “EEE” represented a step up. I can only assume that at some point in the process, they had committed to “Lady Poopy-Bottom”. Their designer thinks it’s hilarious, and uses it as a mock scream.
Back at Athena, they’re working through the night. Claudia appears to have suddenly come down with the Shanti Virus, because she’s shivering and fluttering her eyes dramatically. To her credit, she really does appear to be sick. But, and this will come up later, she asks if she can go home. They all agree, but Annie interviews that Claudia is a big wuss. Annie, it should be noted, eats lightning and craps thunder.
At KOTU, Tom offers to write the script, and nobody will even acknowledge him. Talking mostly to himself, he says that he sold four feature film scripts. (Though to be fair, one of them was Freddy Got Fingered.) He actually offers to get ice, and Scott rejects that offer as well. Tom starts picking on the name again, which at this point is not exactly constructive, though warranted. Now, I feel like Tom’s probably really annoying to have to deal with, but to just shut him out is not cool. Scott has decided he’s not going to listen to anything Tom has to say. Tom gives a pretty funny interview about how he might have to wave his arms around so they can see him.
KOTU assembles after a good night’s sleep, and Scott begins on the script. That’s right, they went to bed without starting it. Scott declares that he, Jesse, and Clint will work on the script. So shut up, Tom Green, even if you are the only dues-paying member of the Writers Guild here. And in a fantastic moment, Tom actually walks in on one of Scott’s talking head segments. I have seen about a thousand reality shows, and I have never seen anybody walk in on somebody’s interview. That is awesome.
As they work on the script, Clint decides that there’s a more appropriate time to argue about issues with the script. See, I think the perfect time to talk about it is when you’re actually doing it. Doesn’t really help afterwards, you know? Dennis Boomhauers a lengthy rant about some topic that doesn’t seem to include vowels. Whatever, Clint is grating on everybody, including Jesse, who’s been pretty easy going up to this point.
Annie and Brande Roderick go out to pick up the materials for their presentation. Since Brande is hobbled by her impractical shoes, she kicks them off and runs down a New York sidewalk barefoot. By the end of the episode, this will be only the second-grossest scene involving her. Brande thinks there’s no way that, say, Dennis Rodman would put forth that kind of effort. Cut to Rodman, watching somebody play a game on their laptop that seems to involve a Bobblehead Donald Trump figure battling a Bobblehead Dwight Schrute. I have no idea what that is, but I want to play that game! Heck, I have both of those Bobbleheads – I could play it in live action. Winner fights Duffman!
The KOTU guys are having a hard time setting up their presentation. Scott asks Tom to actually do the pitch, which Tom finds hilarious. Herschel thinks it’s a bad idea. Then he and Tom argue over whether they let Tom touch up the script or not, and it degenerates into a fight over which one of them is a liar. Tom and Dennis agree to go for a beer afterwards, which would be an awesome episode in and of itself.
There’s another bit with Trump explaining how important it is to win, and how some people can’t “close the deal”. And then… ZZZ… Sorry, I nodded off. And somehow came up with a better name for a Zappos mascot than “EEE”.
Khloe explains that Claudia is sick, and might blow the presentation. Wow, you’d think they’d swap somebody else in, right? Claudia starts her pitch, for an audience of Trump and the Tonybot 3000, and unveils Natalie in here stupid-ass Ms. Z costume. And let me tell you, she just exudes charisma! Wait, is ‘charisma’ the same thing as ‘blandness’? Oh. Then that wasn’t the right word.
Claudia says she “started out as a regular woman, just like you and me”. Then points to Tony and says “Sorry, you’re not a woman”. Tony goes completely blank while his memory banks search for the right subroutine. Also, she doesn’t say anything about Trump not being a woman. Huh.
She stumbles over a lot of words, including a hilarious attempt to pronounce ‘demographic’. One variation sounds like ‘democrapic’, which sounds like somebody fed up with a focus group. Also, she keeps calling it “Zappo”, without the ‘s’ at the end. Well, at least she didn’t add an ‘E’ or three…
Trump asks why they chose Natalie as their model, and they talk about her legs which frankly, are not that great. He asks if she could wear that outfit in the US Open, because Donald Trump is your friend’s dad and this is his best attempt at humor. She responds with “I wouldn’t wear this in the hallway”, because she has never before interacted with human beings or amazingly lifelike robotic simulations. The Tonybot assumes his go-to emotion of “flat bewilderment” at this statement.
KOTU comes in to present. Tom reads straight from the crappy script and does his best to put some life into it. For somebody who hates everything about the finished product, he’s giving it a good attempt here. Sure, he puts so much punch into “EEE” that it sounds like he’s mocking it, but how can you not. Their costume actually looks better, as does the overall character design.
The Tonybot likes the way KOTU focused on the customer, but “EEE” does not compute. He describes the presentation as “very fun”, which means he has low standards indeed. Athena really got their “corporate culture” but stumbled in the presentation. He liked them both, which he conveys by showing no passion about either one.
The baby ducklings file into the Boardroom. Trump tells Khloe he’s very surprised that she did well. “I don’t really know much about you” he says, so clearly he didn’t even bother reading the bios this time around. He says she’s a very smart member of her family, but being a smart Kardashian is sort of like being a tall midget.
He asks Scott how he enjoyed being a project manager. Scott compares it to skating, which is probably the comparison he uses for everything in his life. Trump asks about the friction with Tom. Tom basically says that Scott was a bad leader. Scott says he was asked to be the leader, but he can’t think of who asked him. Tom says they didn’t let him get his ideas across, but Scott just laughs at him. Seriously, he laughs. Even Herschel thought that was disrespectful, and Herschel called Tom a liar like 20 minutes ago.
Joan Rivers complains that Annie didn’t let her contribute ideas. Oh, come on, the midget? The lady who doesn’t sleep? Trump talks over both of them about how they’re going to end up best friends and go to Vegas and win a fortune. Is there any conflict that can’t be defused by a man talking down to two women? I think not.
Melissa Rivers once again claims that she created the character, but Khloe, to her credit, says that it was really Claudia’s idea. Trump asks Natalie about her crappiness during the presentation, and she sort of doesn’t get it.
OK, get ready to get creeped out. Trump asks Brande why she didn’t wear the costume. “You’ve worn outfits like that before. A lot less.” He asks how often she’s been on the cover of Playboy, because that’s somehow pertinent. Only once, which surprises Trump because she’s “the most popular… everything”. And then he reveals that he tried to “pick up” Brande once, but she shot him down. He explains “This was before I was Trump”. Oh, so back when he was Melvin Goldfarb, then. (you know who likes a lot of crap on his cupcakes? Melvin Goldfarb!–Myndi) She doesn’t remember, but is kind of grossed out. Don Jr. is really grossed out. And also, “before I was Trump”? Let’s see, The Art of the Deal came out in 1987, and he was a household name for at least a couple of years before that. So, 22 years ago at least. Brande Roderick was, according to IMDB, born in 1974. So Trump hit on her when she was 12? Yikes!
The teams look at each other’s comics, and Athena is perplexed by “EEE”. Tom is on that bandwagon in a hurry. And Scott keeps defending it, which is sort of admirable. Everybody involved with the show hated the name, but Scott still thinks people are going to come around. (Actual voicemail message I got after this episode: “I just wanted to say that Scott Hamilton is a dick and sort of an idiot.”)
Claudia explains her poor performance by saying she was sick. Fine. Then she says she was “sent home”, which is not at all what we saw. She asked to leave! Where’s the accountability? Why doesn’t Jon Stewart give her a Jim Cramer-esque grilling about her lies? Anyway, Trump announces that the winner is… Athena!
Athena returns to their suite to drink champagne and watch the freak show. Scott leads off by talking about what a great manager he was. He was clearly watching a different show. Scott say that he kept giving Tom tasks, but he didn’t follow through. That’s not at all what we saw, but there you go.
Tom and Dennis agree with Trump that EEE was a bad name. In the suite, Athena thinks this is hilarious, and say it’s like if Trump but an “M” everywhere. There’s a shot of Melissa looking confused, and I assume she’s getting ready to make an “M” with her hands, just so everybody gets it.
Trump asks Herschel who he’d fire, and Herschel picks Tom. This sends Trump on a tangent saying that Herschel should have been fired last week, but he’s such a fighter. Brian McKnight says he’d fire “whoever came up with that name”. He points out that he was busy with the costume, and they made sure to put a “Z” on the costume.
Trump and Dennis talk about how great Phil Jackson is. Trump is totally phoning it in this week. He asks Jesse who he’d fire, and Jesse picks Clint. Trump’s response: “What the (bleep) did Clint do?” Ha! Although it is weird that Trump just assumes everything is binary. It’s either the fault of Person A or Person B, and any mention of Person C ruins everything. Tom jumps in to defend Jesse, but Trump cuts him off so Jesse can speak. Jesse unblinkingly explains that Clint is hard to get along with. The women in the suite agree that Clint is mean. Way to not be this season’s Trace Adkins!
Clint says he’d fire Tom, as he was undermining Scott “on purpose”. Scott agrees that this was the case. I will point out right now that the big thing Tom undermined was EEE, which has already been cited as the reason they lost the task. Anyway. Scott gets to bring two people back, but he only wants one. Trump says that he can do that, but it’s never a good idea. Scott watched last season, and saw that it was Gene Simmons’ downfall. Among the thousand other things he did wrong, of course.
Scott chooses to bring back Tom and Herschel. Huh? He’s bringing back Herschel to help him argue. Herschel is not thrilled. Come on, man. At least bring back Clint. He’ll help you argue but he might also take some heat off of you. As they leave, Trump congratulates Dennis for the good work. For being on the losing team? Did Trump hear the transvestite pitch?
As they wait in the lobby, Tom says that he’s eager to be able to talk things out, because maybe they didn’t each understand where the others are coming from, and Scott Hamilton will not respond or even look in his direction. Unless Tom pulled some serious crap that we didn’t see, Scott’s really just unreasonable at this point.
Trump talks it over with his wingmen. Erin has the brilliant insight that Tom and Scott don’t like each other. Don Jr. thinks Scott should have brought Clint instead of Herschel, which is what I just said. Don Jr. and I are total BFF’s.
After that stimulating chat, they return to the Boardroom. Whenever Tom tries to make a point, Scott laughs at him and cuts him off. Scott’s definitely coming off worse here. Herschel mentions Tom’s inability to shut up, and then Trump asks if he has anything else to say. When he doesn’t, Trump asks him to leave the Boardroom. Hee. He doesn’t even want Herschel to have the chance to slip up.
In the Boardroom, Tom says he wants to be the leader, and then cites specific instances where Scott was a bad manager. Erin jumps in to say that one way or another, they lost the task because of EEE. Jesse’s name comes up, to which Trump replies, “Isn’t Jesse amazing? You look at him and think ‘give me a break’, but he’s brilliant.” Did Trump just say that Jesse looks like he might be retarded? Because I’ve been trying to avoid saying that all along.
Scott starts hanging himself anew by saying he didn’t want to be the Project Manager. He talks about giving money to cancer, and Tom starts to say something. Scott snaps “Don’t interrupt me”, which causes Tom Green to look sad and say “I was only trying to say that we’re both cancer survivors”. OK, that was awkward. Let’s see if it can get worse. Tom says they both survived testicular cancer. “I can only speak for myself. I have one testicle.” Scott: “Together, we’re a set!” HA! Even Trump laughs at that.
In the end, it comes down to EEE. Yep, that’s what Trump bases his decision on. Scott Hamilton is fired. Tom and Scott shake hands like gentlemen at the end, and even the receptionist seems sad that Scott is leaving. Well, sure. He didn’t cut her off a thousand times.
Nest week: The teams sell wedding dresses and Dennis Rodman disappears! How will they live without his contributions?
