Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 3 (Mar 23)
The episode proper opens with Khloe Kardashian presenting a check to Robert Shapiro for his charity, the Brett Shapiro Foundation. Again, I’m not making fun of these segments, but Khloe does mention that her father and Shapiro were both on OJ Simpson’s legal team. Way to endear yourself to America!
The retarded baby ducklings assemble on the street, and Trump arrives with Ivanka and George, the crusty old grandfather figure. Yay! My two favorite wingmen! George, by the way, does not have time to take crap from you, and his expression makes this clear at all times.
Trump immediately announces that Joan Rivers won’t be joining the task until tomorrow. What he doesn’t say is that she’s probably off having another Facial De-naturalization procedure. Perhaps she’s getting an auxiliary nose put in. He starts in talking about weddings. “People love weddings. I love weddings. I’ve actually had a couple.” Nice. Ivanka standing right there, getting reminded that her mother was several wives ago. Their task is to sell wedding dresses at a retail shop. Brian McKnight interviews that they’re at a disadvantage, because men and women, get this, are different. Oh, it’s so true. Mars and Venus, am I right, fellas?
Each team will have 125 dresses to sell and whichever team makes the most profit will win. Trump brings up Dennis Rodman’s experience with wedding dresses, which prompts an excited and incomprehensible reply (I hope you have a macro for that–Myndi). Jesse James reminds Tom that he volunteered to be Project Manager, and then Trump butts in to say the exact same thing. This provokes another bizarre response from Dennis. Tom steps up as PM, and Athena picks Brande Roderick. She says it’s inside “her realm”. I’m not sure how posing nude translates to wedding dresses, but I’m taking her word for it.
In the KOTU van, Tom stresses the importance of remaining positive. He asks Clint Black to call some of his county music buddies for donations with a target amount of $100,000. How come nobody asks Dennis to make any calls? Did he really burn his bridges with the entire NBA? Stupid question, of course he did. For his part, Clint acts like he’s trying to help.
Melissa Rivers explains the task to us again, while Annie Duke pulls in a $10,000 commitment. We see Dennis actually making a call and announcing “Three thousand dollars”, but I’m not convinced that it’s really related to the task. He might have just gotten an estimate on some landscaping. When they arrive at their shops, it turns out their storefronts are right next to one another. Ever the team player, Dennis looks at the shop and announces “This sucks”.
Brande tells us she’s nervous because she knows “the men will try to bring in as much money as possible.” Dear, that’s the point of the task. It would be weird if they didn’t try to do that. Of course, given the boneheadedness of KOTU, that might not actually be their goal anyway. T-Boz gets her one onscreen appearance this week by thanking the guy who delivers the dresses. Thanks, T-Boz! See you next week!
KOTU tries to brainstorm a name for their sale. The name “Bankruptcy Sale” is thrown about, which is pretty hilarious. Jesse finally comes up with the “Red Carpet Wedding Sale” which will include, wait for it, an actual red carpet. Tom explains that they’re going to keep their storefront “simple and tasteful, like an art gallery”. Because if there’s one thing Tom Green knows, it’s “tasteful”.
Melissa brings in a friend of hers who’s a wedding planner. I feel like that’s cheating, but it also couldn’t possibly matter less, so I’m not going to gripe. Melissa talks about how the men must be humiliated “losing to a bunch of girls running around in stilettos”. Yes, it’s the footwear that makes it embarrassing. Melissa, it’s not even the gender issue – they’re humiliated by their overall suckiness. But maybe you and Brian can chat about gender stereotypes for a while. It’ll be fun.
At KOTU, Tom emerges from the back room in a wedding dress. Herschel Walker thinks it’s pretty funny. Tom asks Brian to help him with his zipper, and Brian responds “Absolutely not”. Well, of course. That’s how you catch gay, right? Tom poses outside the storefront, which is actually not bad in terms of catching the attention of passerby.
Dennis, and I know this’ll shock you, comes up with an idea that involves him being able to leave. He wants to walk around and drum up business. Tom wisely sends Herschel with him, since he’s the only guy on the team who’s an actual grown-up. Dennis heads to a bar and starts drinking and flirting with women. This leads to an interview where he explains that he’s just like the guy from the movie Ghost because, and I am not making this up, “He came back and got inside Whoopi Goldberg’s body”. I’m scared and confused. Herschel isn’t sure how Dennis getting drunk and trying to nail bar skanks is going to help them sell a wedding dress. Dude, did you not hear the part about Ghost? It makes perfect sense!
Clint calls Tim McGraw, which the show seems to think is more impressive than I do. Ivanka stops by and immediately notices that people are missing. Tom explains that they’re drumming up business, and Ivanka just isn’t buying it.
At Athena, Khloe is drumming up business on the phone while swearing and scratching her ass. Wow. Kim blew a dude on camera, and she might be the classy sister! We hear Brande actually pleading with somebody on the phone. At least she has her dignity. Melissa and Chloe talk to Joe Francis, the founder of Girls Gone Wild. (They do not mention his multiple pending charges of tax evasion, sexual assault, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Or that he was originally scheduled to be a contestant this year. See? It could be worse!)
Dennis returns to KOTU with a drink in his hand and bragging about all the numbers he got. Actual conversation that follows:TOM: You like the ladies, Dennis?
DENNIS: I like the ladies. How about you?
TOM: I like the ladies.
DENNIS: Oh, my God, man! I love the ladies, too!
You are officially stupider for having just read that. Anyway, Dennis calls a friend of his to get some models, and he tells us that “they’re sending over a Russian”. And then when he meets her, he explains “I love Russian bitches…girls.” Geez. The model tries on a wedding dress and then leaves with Dennis. By the way, totally not a model. Unless by “model” you mean “escort”. And by “escort”, I mean “hooker”. Tom says something to Dennis about getting a drink at the hotel, and no doubt suddenly feels like somebody just stepped over his grave.
In the morning, the members of KOTU who didn’t leave with a Russian hooker are waiting in the van to go to the task. Jesse cusses Tom out over the phone, and they leave for the task without them. At least an hour later, Tom leaves the hotel and talks to people we can’t see. He then claims the task will be a disaster, but a positive disaster. You know, like when a tornado picks you up and drops you off safely inside an amusement park. Further, he tells the camera that he’s “so proud” of a woman on the sidewalk. Well, she probably got up on time today, so she has him beat.
At Athena, Joan joins her team after returning from giving a “lecture on survival”. Huh. Hasn’t everybody currently alive achieved survival simply by not dying? I think everybody’s qualified to give that lecture! Unless it was specifically about Joan’s years in a POW camp. In that case, respect. The wedding planner arrives with a truckload of flowers. Melissa tells the camera “First of all, the smell hits you”. That is equally true of flowers as it is of farts. Brande asks whether Natatlie Gulbis or T-Boz is better at “wrangling”. Aww, that’s cute the way she’s pretending those two are actually on the show.
Tom finally arrives at KOTU. Jesse thinks he’s still drunk, as Tom asks if he can drink Herschel’s orange juice. Jesse shrugs, “You’re the Project Manager”. Hee. Clint says that “Cola is really good for hangovers”, to which Tom responds “Were you out drinking last night?” Hee again. Tom has a bit of a haunted look about him, which is understandable. If you hit a hotel bar with Dennis Rodman and a Russian prostitute, the night can only turn into a slow descent into hell. That’s surefire recipe to find yourself living a Tom Waits song, and not one of the early ballads either. There will be a German dwarf, maybe a guy with a vestigial second face, and a fetus in a jar before the night is over.
Jesse asks Tom about Dennis’ whereabouts. Tom says he physically went to Dennis’ room and banged on the door, and he couldn’t find him. At this point “Dennis’ guy” (Wait a minute, don’t the promos for this claim “No personal assistants”?) calls in and says that Dennis had an allergic reaction and won’t be there. And by “allergic reaction”, he probably means “Chlamydia”. Brian interviews that not having Dennis can be detrimental, but having him there would also be detrimental. I don’t think he meant that to be funny, but it was.
Sales begin, and Athena has a real bridal shop with champagne and cupcakes. No, not cupcakes! Have they not learned anything from the first task? Joan busts out a hacky joke about being old. Hey Joan, who writes your material? Fozzie Bear? One woman almost cries when seeing her dress, and Natalie tries to simulate empathy by saying “Oh my god, you’re going to make me cry”, but it comes off as really sarcastic because she has the flattest speaking voice imaginable. You know how Jimmy James talks when he’s being filmed? That’s how Natalie talks all the time.
George visits KOTU, and is appalled by the haphazard display. “Men are excellent merchandisers. These men are not.” Yeah, their layout does seem a little like a rummage sale, or possibly a prison train. (Is there such a thing as a prison train? If there is, and if it’s full of wedding dresses, it would look like the KOTU store.) He’s curious about Dennis, and Tom explains that something is wrong with his eyes. George does not believe that for one second. He likes the Athena store, which is full of balloons and flowers.
Clint and Tom talk about how women are going to the Athena store just to meet Joan Rivers (Is that a thing people actively try to do in 2009?–Myndi). They feel comfortable though, because Herschel supposedly has $30,000 coming, and Clint has another $45,000. Brian McKnight starts plying the customers with champagne, and the camera catches a hilarious “All Sales are Final” sign. It’s a three-hour sale! How is anybody going to get buyer’s remorse in that amount of time? By the way, Brian informs us that he’s a “man’s man”. Funny story, he and Clint Eastwood are often up for the same roles…
Herschel Walker stands outside the store to draw people in. This infuriates Joan, who asks him if they have anybody inside. Herschel scores with “Our store is packed, but if you want to buy something, you can”. Hee. At this point, the Athena store is completely empty. Brande is on pins and needles. Of course, it would help if Khloe weren’t just sitting there texting. Of course, once she puts the phone down, she goes outside to announce that KOTU “sucks (censored)”. Boy, anything you put there is filthy. Is Khloe a dockworker?
As Tom awkwardly tries to sell a dress to a woman who replies with “I’m feeling a little accosted right now”, Clint’s checks arrive – $35,000 from his label and some of his friends. But then QVC buys a dress from Jon for $25,000. One of Annie’s friends shows up with $10,000 cash. Man, the poker circuit seems like the salt of the earth, don’t they? If you’re ever in a jam, count on professional poker players to help you out.
With seven minutes left, Herschel’s checks haven’t shown up yet. A runner shows up with two minutes left. He’s got one check for $16,000 and another with an unspecified amount. Tom Green is feeling good. This will not last.
Boardroom time! By the way, you might want to find something to bang your head against now, just so it’s handy when the time comes. You’ll need it.
Trump calls out Brande first of all, and asks who did a “poor job”, and she everybody was excellent. Tom says his team did a great job and calls Clint and Herschel “heroes”. Apparently they saved a child from a burning building at some point during the task. Trump asks if they used Dennis Rodman’s celebrity, and Tom replies “I did in the sense that Dennis raised some money by walking around”. Then he mentions the allergic reaction that sidelined him. Dennis explains that he’s allergic to cats. He does not explain where this cat came into the picture. Tom says they went out and met some “Dot com billionaires. Or are they millionaires?” Trump’s pretty sure that they’re only millionaires. Anyway, it was their dog who gave Dennis an allergic reaction. Even Trump calls foul, since this cat became a dog. Tom’s whole story does have the air of somebody who’s making it up as he goes along. But also “Who cares?” Thanks for weighing in, Donald.
George is infuriated by all this wasted time. Herschel explains what he and Dennis did yesterday, but he can’t justify it. “I’m not sure what he did, but he had a good time”. This is what Dennis Rodman’s tombstone will say. Dennis Boomhauers it up with an incomprehensible explanation. George busts on their store design. This will turn out not to actually matter, but it’s going to keep coming up anyway. The men sold 21 dresses for a total of $63,450 dollars. So, $51,000 of that came from Clint’s checks and the one of Herschel’s checks that we saw. That adds up to a less than stellar showing for the rest of team.
Athena sold 22 dresses for $103,000. Yow. OK, we only saw $35,000 in big checks come in for them, but the fact is, they sold one dress more than KOTU and made $40,000 more. So clearly, big donations made all the difference – storefront traffic didn’t factor into it. Again, this won’t stop KOTU from getting reamed out over it, but it’s the Boardroom, so we’re into Trump Logic now!
Once Athena leaves, Trump tells KOTU that he’s embarrassed for them. Because nothing’s more embarrassing than getting beat by a bunch of girls! Tom says that he was at a deficit because of how much arguing there was over the last two tasks. It’s cute that he says “two weeks”, thus letting us pretend that the show happens exactly as it’s filmed. Me, I’m undecided as to whether they knocked out all the tasks in a month, or whether they’d let weeks go between tasks and film when it was convenient. Anyway, he stresses his efforts to keep it positive. He says it’s “disappointing” that Dennis didn’t show up.
Believe it or not, the sequence of events gets really confusing here, and I’m still unable to reconstruct what happened that day. It’s like Celebrity Apprentice meets Rashomon this week. Anyway, Brian says that Tom wasn’t ready in the morning, to which Trump announces “I don’t think you’re a great team leader”. Well, thanks for hearing the guy out, I guess.
Herschel says that he wasn’t thrilled with Dennis’s drinking, and thinks he was hung over as opposed to sick. I do believe everybody who’s not Donald Trump shares that opinion. Tom insists that he knocked on Dennis’ door for half an hour, and he didn’t respond. Herschel seems to think this is a lie because when Tom arrived, he said he “didn’t get Dennis up”. See, Herschel takes that to mean “didn’t try”, and Tom seems to mean “couldn’t”. I think Herschel’s just mad that Tom drank his orange juice.
Trump, in his guise as Phoenix Wright – Ace Attorney, asks Tom whether Dennis was in his room. Tom doesn’t know, since he didn’t answer the door. Dennis confirms he was in the room, but he didn’t want to be bothered. Trump asks if he knew who was knocking. Well, unless he’s an idiot he should have put that together. Tom didn’t know Dennis was actively not answering the door, but instead thought he was sleeping.
OK, this part is crazy. Dennis didn’t want to answer the door because he didn’t want anybody to see his eyes. Trump says nobody can see Dennis’ eyes anyway because he wears sunglasses. He then orders Dennis to take off his sunglasses. Dennis does so and shows off his freaky eyes. Now, Dennis really does seem to be self-conscious about his eyes. But I think it’s because they are too small for his face. Not any kind of allergic reaction or anything, he has tiny, tiny eyes like a rat. Trump says “They look good, Dennis. Good-looking eyes.” OK, Trump has such a boner for Dennis Rodman right now. I mean, it’s pretty clear he can’t be fired until he actually murders somebody, but that right there was Trump just flat-out hitting on him. Quick, ask Trump to pick between Dennis Rodman and Brande Roderick. It will not be an easy choice for him.
Dennis says he didn’t see a doctor, and he refused to see one back when he was in the NBA. Further, he wouldn’t have answered the door for Phil Jackson or Michael Jordan either. Of course, he also got suspended an awful lot. Coincidence? Dennis explains that the point of a team is to take care of the people who can’t participate, rather then everybody pitching in for the overall good of the team. In Dennis Rodman’s world, not only is there an “I” in “team”, but it’s actually the only letter. Possibly the only one in the entire alphabet.
When asked, Jesse says that he’d fire both Tom and Dennis. He says this in his customary way which implies a lack of both eyelids and neck joints. Jesse claims he had to wake Tom up, but Tom says he was already up and trying to get Dennis when he called. I don’t know who to believe! Trump asks Dennis, “Do I fire you, or do I fire Tom?”, and Tom’s expression is priceless, because he knows the fix is in. Trump is desperate for a reason not to fire Dennis. He keeps asking, and he lists all of Dennis’ sins. After four repetitions, Dennis finally states that he should fire Tom.
George jumps in to say that Tom was evasive when he asked about Dennis earlier on. I’m not sure why George is making such a big deal out of that. Trump faults Tom for not controlling Dennis and then immediately says that he can’t be controlled. So, I guess you can’t blame Tom then, right? I mean in a world that is in any way logically consistent. Here, obviously you can. Trump totally hurls insults at Tom for a while before he fires him and then throws everybody out. And then he tells Dennis to try harder next time. That’s right, not even showing up nets you a mild scolding.
Just to add insult to injury, Tom gets in the wrong elevator on the way out. Hee.
Man, all in all, Tom Green got crapped on. Maybe not an inspirational leader, but that was insane. I don’t know that it’s possible for Dennis to get fired at this point. It’s been a rough two weeks for uniballs, that’s for sure.
Next week, “The Dennis Rodman Meltdown”. I bet he still doesn’t get fired…
