I didn’t see any character attacks, and I’d say that personality attacks are warranted, because hers sucks. Brian McKnight is still smirking like he’s God’s gift. I feel like he collects naked pictures of himself, you know?
Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 5 (Apr 6)
Opening credits. How funny is it that the shot of Brande Roderick’s Playboy cover also boasts a “Charlie Sheen Interview”?
Brian McKnight presents a check to his charity, Youthville USA. As always, this scene is mockery-exempt. And since everybody involved seems very nice and sincere, it just makes me feel good.
Back in shallower parts, the retarded baby ducklings assemble outside the Trump International Hotel. Trump is still proud that KOTU won, because boys rule and girls drool. He then explains that Khloe won’t be there for the first part of the task (community service) but she’ll be back the next day (when she doesn’t have community service). Nobody is upset, because if you’re pinning your hopes for victory on Khloe Kardashian’s participation, you’ve already lost.
Trump explains the task – they’re going to be running a hotel. The Loews Regency, in particular. Trump asks if any of them have heard of the hotel, and Rodman’s hand goes up with such excitement that he seems to be channeling one Arnold Horshack. Dennis is crazy excited about the Loews Regency. John, the Loews executive, explains the importance of customer service. Wait, he’s actually letting the ducklings have control over five rooms each in his hotel? He knows that there will be people staying in those rooms, right?
Athena nominates T-Boz to be the Project Manager. She doesn’t have a lot of input herself, but she goes along with it. Hey, maybe she’ll get camera time this week! No, I’m just kidding. That’ll never happen. Over at KOTU, Clint asks Dennis to be the Project Manager. Clint promotes this as a show of unity, but clearly somebody did the math and realized that 3 out of 4 tasks have seen the losing PM fired. Either they win or they’re free of Dennis.
Trump is excited that Dennis is the PM. “You know what you should do, Dennis? You should do a good job.” No kidding, he presents this as useful advice handed down from the master. Now, I’m not saying that Dennis probably doesn’t need the reminder that in order to win, you have to do better than the other team. It’s just that Trump tends to put equal emphasis on everything that comes out of his mouth, even when he’s stating obvious facts to nobody’s benefit (You know what’s good, little Baron? These Cheerios are good.–Myndi). As they walk away, Dennis announces that he’s already figured out the menu. Rodman gets to decide what people are going to eat? This can only end badly.
In the Athena Van, the women discuss hospitality items that they should include in the rooms. They also decide to make Joan the concierge. And by “they”, I mean “people who are not Project Manager T-Boz”. At this point, Natalie Gulbis is out-talking her.
Team KOTU listens to Dennis mumbling incomprehensibly with varying degrees of amusement and horror. They play interview audio over his monologue, so I can’t make it out, but based on the reactions I have to assume that his business plan involves either Foxy Boxing or murder for hire. When the audio comes back, he’s talking about giving the guests bodyguards. If I went to a hotel where they assigned bodyguards to the guests, I’d go looking for a hotel in a better part of town. Brian McKnight has a funny interview: “Dennis points and says ‘This is what we’re gonna do’, and then he doesn’t say what it is.” Clint asks Dennis to lay off the “F-bombs”, and Dennis first calls him “Honey”, and then assures him that he can watch his language. “I’m very good at that (censored).” Ha!
You can tell the Loews Regency is fancy because it has concrete lions out front. Of course, that’s just asking for trouble in and when Gozer is reawakened.
At the hotel, a real employee gives Athena the tour. She shows them how to make beds. Then we see KOTU getting the same lecture, and Brian says “I haven’t made a bed in 30 years”. I don’t know that it’s something to be proud of, necessarily. It’s really a rapid fire montage of different Loews employees describing various functions of their job. It looks like they’re getting absolutely slammed with information. Essentially, this task is set up for maximum hilarity, because there’s no way a normal person could get all this down as quickly as they’re being expected to (and most of these entitled snots are NOT normal.–Myndi). The nice lady on the wait staff explains condiments, and Dennis thinks she’s talking about “condoms”, and you can’t make this stuff up.
KOTU plans their strategy. Brian is serving as concierge, and he wants to put a gift basket in each room. Dennis starts talking up a deli where “they make anything you want”, which is kind of ominous considering the source. Dennis calls this deli (The legendary Carnegie Deli–Myndi), and apparently they know him because he gives shout-outs to all the employees. Now, can you imagine talking to Rodman on the phone? Long silences punctuated by bursts of excited mumbling – I think you’d assume you were in a dream. He also orders up two Mercedes for their guests.
Here’s where the Celebrity version of this show is weird. Most of what they’re doing here is simply not plausible in any sort of real world scenario. These things cost money, and that money has to be passed along to the customer. If a team on the Famous Original Apprentice got two Mercedes for the use of no more than ten people, they’d be fired en masse for costing the hotel that much money. But we took a stop in crazy town, so that’s the least of my worries.
Herschel Walker and Jesse head off to clean the rooms. Then, room service shows up with two vodka-and-cranberries for Dennis Rodman. (Or is that two vodkas-and-cranberry? Rory and Lorelai once debated this at length.) Everybody gets that “Oh, crap” look, as they realize that they’ve actually been dealing with sober Dennis, and it’s only going to get weirder. By the way, since Dennis is obsessed specifically with vodka-and-cranberry, I move that this drink be renamed a Russian Bitch, in honor of Dennis’ taste in women. (Motion seconded!–Myndi)
After the commercial, Brande Roderick gets the coveted “First to restate the premise of the episode for the viewers” position. Way to go, Brande! T-Boz tells everybody what their specific jobs are, which is pretty unusual on this season. Joan refers to herself as “a hotel whore”, and I’m pretty sure T-Boz didn’t put that on the organization chart.
Here’s a joke for you. How many members of Team KOTU does it take to pick up a box of cookies from the deli? Three, apparently! Yeah, it’s not a great joke, but like all the best humor, it has its roots in truth. Poor Jesse and Herschel, actually working on cleaning the rooms while everybody else transports the cookies. While they ride back, no doubt exhausted, Dennis explains that he wants to park a Ferrari in front of the hotel. Brian doesn’t get how that helps, and Dennis angrily exclaims “People look at cars! People look at people!” OK, then. Brian tries to explain why this doesn’t actually help the team “So people will look at it and say ‘Oh, this must be KOTU’s Ferrari’?” Dennis gets angry and defends the Ferrari Initiative with a mixture of wild gestures, bursts of randomly chosen words, and swearing. Dennis is deeply angry that people aren’t excited about the Ferrari. It’s actually gotten so crazy that Clint’s not even trying to talk over anybody.
With 60 minutes until check-in, Athena is getting ready to clean the rooms. T-Boz asks Brande to get into a maid’s uniform, and Brande beats me to the obvious joke. They head to a room, and it’s clearly meant to horrify us, but it looks to me like an unmade bed and some dishes left over from dinner. It’s not like Keith Moon stayed there. Melissa explains that “It’s not fair to make me clean it”, because she is, after all, the Chosen One. Also, Annie Duke has only one rubber glove on. It doesn’t seem to occur to her until she’s actually in the room, though. A lot of people would have noticed that after they put on the first glove. Brande picks a hair up off the nightstand, which freaks her out. You know, it is the nightstand, so at least there’s a reasonable chance that it’s just head hair. Could be worse, Brande! Annie and Melissa do their best to clean a red stain on the carpet. Unidentified red stains make me nervous. Until presented with evidence to the contrary, I will assume that the room was the site of a particularly grisly prostitute murder.
Herschel and Jesse, otherwise known as the most normal people on the team, get to cleaning their rooms without any fuss. Jesse is particularly proud that he “de-pubed the toilet”. After all, “when you check into a nice hotel, you want to think that your pubes are the only ones that are going to touch the seat.” Ha!
T-Boz and Natalie put gift baskets in the rooms – apparently Natalie hit up her sponsors. You know, last week she had a private jet, this week she has sponsors. Is she way more famous than my experience would indicate? Like, could she have a person killed without suffering legal repercussions?
Brian McKnight prepares cookie plates and also ties Dennis’ necktie for him. Dennis accepts the help, and then dumps the cookies back in the box. He’s going to bring them to the chef to “decorate them kind of cool”. So, he’s going to have him put a lot of crap on the cookies? Hopefully their guests are Jewish… (By the way, that’s a reference to the first episode, and not some kind of confusing ethnic slur.)
Dennis then gives a handful of cookies to Joan Rivers, and apparently hitting on her. Joan interviews that she adores Dennis. Yeah, you know who really seems to like Dennis? The people who don’t have to deal with him. In the kitchen, he stops for another Russian Bitch, and then gives the chef the cookies and seemingly asks him to put cheese on top. I assume we just missed part of that conversation, but the time I melted cheese over a chocolate chip cookie is sort of a legend in my family. (I was attempting to make the point that cheese made everything better. It turns out, I was right.) The chef assures him it’ll take half an hour, and it’s five minutes until check-in. So that was not a well-considered move. Regardless, Dennis leaves the kitchen with no cookies, but with a Russian Bitch in either hand.
KOTU, as usual, is in disarray. Brian and Clint are trying to finish the rooms, and Clint foreshadows that “If someone’s down there waiting, we’re sunk”. Cut to their check-in desk, which actually appears to be a small table that is nowhere near the actual check-in desk, where a tiny effete man is standing and waiting with arms crossed, the very portrait of fey irritation.
While KOTU’s desk is unmanned, Joan Rivers is checking in people for Athena. She offers to get theater tickets for two blonde women, and I don’t get why you wouldn’t just take care of that ahead of time rather than assuming an old-time comedienne will show up to handle it. Take some responsibility just in case a magical Phyllis Diller doesn’t appear to fix things. Clint finally arrives to check in their first guest, and lies that the previous guest was slow in checking out. Dennis Rodman appears to offer the mohawked guest some champagne. Of course, when he goes to fetch it, he also gets a Russian Bitch for himself. Dennis asks where he’s from, and when the answer is Vancouver, Dennis reacts with “Are you kidding me? I love the strip joints down there!” No matter where you’re from, Dennis has a fascinating fact about your hometown. Sadly, that fact always involves poledancing.
Brad, the guest from Vancouver, asks about Billy Elliott tickets, and Dennis asks “Where’s he playing at?” Between Dennis’ mumbling and the confusion of “Billy Elliott” as a musical vs. some sort of performer, Brad and Dennis get a little “Who’s on First” action going. Dennis promises that “If he’s not playing, we’ll make it happen”. So, did Dennis just promise to track down a Mr. William Elliott and force him to perform a concert whether he wants to or not? That’s customer service!
Athena checks in their next guests, a couple from Melbourne. Joan and Annie are handling check-ins really well, which means I don’t have much to say about them. KOTU’s next check-ins are an older man and his much younger companion. I don’t wish to stereotype, but it’s pretty clear that these two are, as Joan Rivers would put it, costume designers. They ask for dinner reservations at the Waverly Inn. Jesse lets Brian know that the Waverly Inn is backed up for a year, and I am astonished that Jesse had immediate access to this information. Unless he’s just making it up. (I’m guessing his wife can get them into some cool places, no matter how much he plays it off–Myndi)
John, the Loews executive stops by to watch the check-in process. Athena’s guest tells Joan that he’ll be eating dinner in the room, and that there will be five people. It’s like a bunch of college kids chipped in for the room, but didn’t have any money left to do anything.
A KOTU guest asks for tickets to Equus, and she’d “really like to sit on the stage”. Do they let people do that? It seems like that would get in the performers’ way. Man, she really wants to see Harry Potter’s junk, I guess. Brian does his best to not laugh at the woman. Jesse asks him what Equus is, and Brian tells him “The story about a man who has sex with a horse”, and the look of deep existential horror on Jesse’s face is fantastic. A whole new world has opened up to him, and he would give anything to forget the last thirty seconds. He looks like the bad guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark about five seconds after the Ark is opened. Jesse will be scrubbing his soul with steel wool tonight.
As Joan checks in a guest with an adorable dog (with the unfortunate name of Bouvier), last season’s Mr. Stephen “Flea” Baldwin enters. Yes! He will be staying in an Athena room. Joan says “When you get a celebrity, you have to treat them like a celebrity.” Oh, did they get a celebrity? Because, you know, I just see Flea. He’s off to a fairly non-irritating start, as all he asks is that they reserve the best table for him.
Next, Vincent Pastore shows up for KOTU. You may remember him as Big Pussy on The Sopranos. Or you may remember him from last season when he freaked the hell out and was unable to distinguish real life from The Sopranos and then threatened to have Piers Morgan murdered. You can imagine my excitement at seeing him. (I just shouted, “FLEA!”–Myndi) Now, he and Flea are obviously planted by the show, but Vincent acts like this is just a regular hotel stay and wonders why Dennis Rodman is the bellman. “Things are bad?” In Dennis’ most accurate interview yet, he says “I know he’s going to be a jerk”.
Vincent starts in with the requests. Dinner reservations, a box of cannolis, a Roy Orbison CD. And he says it’s his birthday, which suddenly turns into the saddest thing I can imagine. He’s going to dinner alone, then returning to his room to eat cannolis and listen to a loop of Pretty Woman. Probably pantsless. Misery, thy name is Pastore. (Thanks for that image, EJ–Myndi) Then he asks for a cowboy hat, probably to mock Clint, but also to add sheer nightmare fuel to the mental image above. (“Flint Brown touched the brim of his ten-gallon. ‘I’m not sure you can handle one of these, my friend’.”) Dennis discusses Vincent in an interview which couldn’t sound more like Boomhauer if it incorporated the phrase “Dang old”. At one point, I can make out the word “facemask”, which means he probably drifted over into football talk.
The older man and his boy toy call down to KOTU to ask for champagne, and there’s a shot of them in the room. Would you stay at a hotel that kept a camera crew in your room? I would balk at that, and I don’t even do anything interesting. Flea is excited about his room, until he looks out the window and sees that “It looks out on crappy 61st Street and a hotdog vendor”. So he calls down to complain about the view, and does so in the most irritating way possible. “I want you to look out my window and tell me if I should stay here.” Joan convinces him that it’s a matter of privacy, which is great because why does Stephen Baldwin need privacy? I picture one loan paparazzo with an old-school flash camera standing outside the hotel, thinking to himself “When is he going to leave? I need this shot!” Stephen takes notes as he talks to Joan, because this is all pretty intricate. Finally he decides “I might change my mind, but for now I’ll stay put”. After the call, he tells the camera “I don’t like my view”. I love this, because it confirms that Flea is exactly the guy we thought he was last season.
In a KOTU room, a guest finds the card that says “Please accept these amenities with our thanks”, and notices that there are no amenities to accept. His companion calls down to Brian to see how their reservations are coming. And then mentions that they ordered wine a half hour ago, to no avail. KOTU is not handling things well. I know, shocker, right?
Joan interviews that she’s love to be an actual concierge, because she loves the challenge. A guest calls down and asks about “A peep show”. Now it’s possible that there is a play about a young man from Oklahoma coming to grips with his homosexuality as he tries to save the family farm called A Peep Show, but I really don’t think that’s what the guy is asking about. She’s taking pride in her work, and we see her presenting her guest with two options for his peep show. When your vacation includes Joan Rivers presenting selections for your masturbatory entertainment, you are on the wrong vacation.
Ivanka shows up to talk to Dennis. Well, sure. She wants to get to know her Dad’s next wife and all. He’s so incomprehensible that it makes Ivanka uncomfortable, and she interviews that he was “a little inebriated”. And also, I think he’s at least half Sleestak.
The couple waiting for wine chews out Brian. The next time the phone rings, Brian yells at it. Meanwhile, Natalie talks about staying in hotels 11 months a year, and I still don’t even know what she does that would occasion that. Also, more people file into the peep show room. They’re all willowy young men who kiss each other on the mouth, which I’m surprised the show doesn’t present with a “Boing” sound effect. Natalie has problems with the room service cart, and her guests bust her on rolling her eyes in response to a stupid question.
Herschel Walker delivers champagne to the guests who wanted wine. They turn him away, and then Herschel and Dennis argue over whether they ordered “Acacia Chardonnay” or “A case of Chardonnay”. Herschel can not convince Dennis that it’s a kind of chardonnay, rather than a shipping crate. Because in Dennis’ mind, two people would need a whole case. Herschel calls down to Brian, and neither he nor Clint totally understand the request. Ha! Herschel is surrounded by lunatics right now. It gets kind of weird when Dennis notices that the bottle is, in fact, Acacia Chardonnay. Is that the same bottle they already turned away, or did Herschel just switch orders between two rooms? (Herschel switched them.–Myndi) Regardless, Dennis delivers the bottle and takes their suits away to be pressed.
Brande and T-Boz visit their rooms for turndown service. T-Boz is a little grossed out to clean up after strangers because of “Buttocks and coo-coo”. Is “coo-coo” what I think it is? Because it seems like it could be any one of a couple of different things, and all the possibilities are grossing me out. They leave elaborate gift platters for their guests.
Dennis returns the pressed suits, and hilariously, the guy tips him. And Dennis totally keeps the tip. He then enters the room to lay out the suit. At the check-in desk, Jesse is still explaining that they can’t get Waverly Inn reservations, because they only accept requests via e-mail. Dude, Jessie is like a Waverly Inn fanatic. He’s in all the chat rooms. When the guests call down about that dinner reservation, Brian basically lies to them. Dennis is still in their room, so he tells them he can get them into Tao. There is also a discussion of whether the guest is “queening out”. (Dennis’ answer: Yes.) Dennis gets them out the door and to the Mercedes, and then he gets in the car with them. That’s right, he invites himself along on their dinner. Their Mercedes also has its hazard lights on as it pulls away. I believe that’s a required safety procedure for anybody transporting a significant amount of Rodman.
Annie brings more liquor up to what had degenerated into a bathrobe party, and they tell her that she’s so much nicer than Natalie. They’re rather she bring their room service from now on. You know, when your customer service skills are less than those of a poker shark, it’s time to look into charm school. The next time they call down to Joan, she calls them “The gay men in 702”. She says that while she’s on the phone with them, which is kind of hilarious. They seem to be requesting a constant stream of food and liquor, and when your order includes two bottles of champagne and ten grilled cheese sandwiches, well, I don’t even know what to think. That is not a combination that occurs in nature.
Clint asks one of their drivers if he’s seen Dennis, and the answer “He hasn’t returned yet” clearly catches him by surprise. Clearly KOTU did not know Dennis would be accompanying guests to dinner. Clint mostly reacts with bemusement. Brian calls the missing driver and confirms that Dennis has indeed left for dinner. He has no idea whether to laugh or cry. Maybe he’ll combine them and craugh!
Jesse interviews that things are smoother without Dennis around anyway, but in his eyes, you can see he’s still thinking about Equus. We see KOTU scrambling to fill everybody’s requests, and they’re quite cohesive when they need to be. Pastore’s box of canollis arrives, and the same guy also brings the Roy Orbison CD’s. He must work at a weird store. Jesse casts a funereal pall on everything when he suggests they might actually win “and get stuck working with Dennis for another week”.
Brande takes the adorable dog for a walk and then checks its undercarriage to determine if it’s a boy or girl. She does not find any easy answers. When the dog finally does its business, she’s confirmed as a girl. That sublot? Resolved!
Vincent Pastore comes back and proclaims that he’s finished work. See, he is apparently staying at this hotel in late 2000. I’m pretty sure he finished work at the end of the second season of Sopranos. Anyway, they couldn’t get his specific dinner reservation, but found something else. Then he asks “Where’s Dennis”, like it’s any of his damn business anyway. Flea returns from his show and proclaims “I’m in shock! When was somebody going to tell me of the $400 cover for the cabaret?” Well, when you go places and get stuff, it costs money. Poor Flea – his entire royalties for Unusual Suspect gone in a single night. Joan actually apologizes for the fact that we have a currency-based economy, and I don’t know how she didn’t choke on her words. Baldwin is so mad that things have to be paid for, you guys.
Dennis returns from dinner, just as a couple of women come down for their dinner plans. Dennis compliments their asses, swears a lot, and screams something about “Vegas Style…. In New Yooooooork!” He then explains that New York is the only place in the world where you can have a good time, except for Vegas. But… but what about the Vancouver strip clubs? A Russian Bitch magically appears in Dennis’ hand, and then Brian reminds him about those cookies from about four pages ago. This sends Dennis to the kitchen, where he orders yet another drink. Only this time, the specific request is “A little vodka-and-cranberry out the ass”. Wait, what? Is he getting a booze colonic? At some point, Dennis just became Uncle Gabby I think. He then takes a big container of cookies, which is not the same box he brought in, and drops it on the concierge desk, proclaiming “Cookies out the ass!” Why is everything coming out the ass at this point? Also, I would give a thousand dollars to see the footage of Dennis’ dinner with the gay couple. You just know that had to be awesome.
In a moment that surprises only people who have not seen a single episode this season, Dennis walks out on the task. Of course, this time he actually sheds his uniform as he walks down the hall, making quite a spectacle of himself. Jesse says that working with him went from being entertaining to kind of sad. This is where Jesse and I are different people, because for me it’s been both entertaining and sad all along.
The next morning, the teams oversee breakfast preparations. Everybody wants breakfast at the same time, which is probably inevitable considering how morning hits the entire hotel simultaneously. Khloe finally joins the task after being away on “a personal matter’ (community service), and is proud of how she just jumped right in. On the second day of a two-day task. Joan and Jesse banter a bit, and I sort of wish the two of them had their own show. KOTU is not getting breakfast requests, probably because their guests would rather not run the risk that Rodman might be anywhere near the eggs. They joke about Herschel wearing a maid’s outfit, and it’s amazing how well these guys get along when Dennis isn’t around.
Oh, crap. Dennis is back. He appears to be carrying shopping bags and jumper cables, and it’s best not to speculate. Clint tries talking to him, but Dennis just says “Talk to the other black guy”. It’s unclear whether he means Brian or Herschel, since he gestures to a part of the room in which neither or them are seated. There’s a shot of Clint scanning the area for a black guy, which means either Clint or the editors are very funny. Or more likely, it was just a lucky coincidence. Dennis legitimately makes the other guys sad. Jesse in particular really seems heartbroken, claiming that Dennis “deserves better than the way he is now”.
Khloe brings up room service too early, so she takes the cart back down. Hee. “I’ll just let this get cold for forty minutes”. She then explains that room service isn’t her thing, and she’s more used to being served. Yeah, it sure is a funny world isn’t it? Also, America hates you. Joan gets a complaint from another room who didn’t realize they’d have to pay for their in-room pedicure. Did they spend the evening at Stephen Baldwin’s seminar “It’s Unfair to Have to Pay for Things That You Get”?
The guests talk to the camera about their experiences, and everybody complains about everything. Geez. You had Annie Duke bringing up cart after cart of liquor and sex toys all night, and you’re giving them a failing grade for a red stain on the carpet? It’s like Louis CK said, “Everything’s amazing and nobody is happy”. As guests check out, Dennis is taking a nap in the lobby. Brian says he hopes they lose so they can get rid of Dennis.
The retarded baby ducklings enter the Boardroom. Trump is wearing a pink tie, which always fascinates me. He asks T-Boz how her team did. That’s right, she was the project manager! It’s easy to forget, since she hasn’t said anything since “buttocks and coo-coo”. Her team agrees that she (and they) did a great job, which Melissa turns into an example of her own awesomeness. Can we get Claudia back to take her down a peg?
John the Lowes Guy reads some comments from the guests, and they sound very pleased. The guests specifically cite Natalie as needing work on her customer service. Joan explains that those are the gay men, and Trump asks if she discriminates. (By the way, here’s a Trump Greatest Hit on the subject of sexuality from a previous season. “That’s why restaurants have menus. I like steak, maybe somebody else likes spaghetti.”) Joan assures him that she adores “the gays”. Hee. (She’s trying to be all hip and relevant and Kathy Griffin-esque.–Myndi)
Ivanka reads comments about KOTU. “Most of the team was very professional”. Trump admits he sent Flea and Vincent to “keep them on their toes”, and that they didn’t fill out guest cards. So they busted their humps tracking down Roy Orbison CD’s for nothing? Or is it because neither of them can write? I bet that’s it.
When asked, Dennis doesn’t think his team won. He wasn’t happy with his team, and they didn’t listen to him. Trump puts Jesse on the spot by asking “What’s he talking about?”. That’s not a question a person can really answer. Jesse leads with “I don’t know what he’s talking about, but…”, which is really the best possible answer under the circumstances. And then he just puts it on the table that Dennis has a drinking problem. Trump brushes that aside to ask if Dennis was a good leader. Clint’s basic answer is that he started out OK, until he started drinking.
Dennis claims credit for all of the team’s success, and he “absolutely walked out on his team”. Jesse brings it back to the drinking problem and is surprisingly heartfelt. Herschel agrees that Dennis has a problem. Dennis points to Jesse and says “When your were 14 years old, you had a drinking problem. That’s kinda cool.” This just in: Underage Alcoholism is Totally Radical! So this gets Trump asking Jesse about his drinking problem, which is not the issue at all. Jesse’s been sober for nine years, thank you very much. Trump is proud of him, which matters to nobody.
Jesse, who is really impressing me, points to Dennis and Herschel. “We have two of the greatest athletes in history. Look at the contrast.” Wow. This is going to a place that I really couldn’t have anticipated. Jesse has some of the women in tears as he talks about how Herschel is even better than you’d expect, and Dennis just ends up disappointing people. Dennis talks about being the victim again, because that’s his default setting. Ivanka points out that he deteriorated throughout the day. Dennis can’t even say how many drinks he had, but guesses at ‘15’. Damn. That’s worrisome. Clint chimes in that he’s worried about Dennis as a person, but they supported him as a team player.
Dennis wonders, if he’s so bad, why did he win 5 NBA championships? That’s some serious delusion there. “I’m good at basketball, therefore I must be great at everything.” This actually turns into a debate over whether Phil Jackson thought Dennis or Michael Jordan was a better player, and that could not have less to do with the issue right now. That, of course, is the part that interests Trump. “Champion is champion” he says, which makes it clear that he hasn’t paid attention to anything that happens here, or to grammar. Then he wonders, if KOTU wins, can he still fire Dennis? Dude, you once fired a guy for referring to himself as “white trash” – nothing will surprise us anymore.
That said, it’s time to reveal the results. The men scored an 86 percent, which is pretty good. Athena scored a 91, though. Athena wins! And then, instead of sending the women out, Trump moves on to tell Dennis that he likes and respects him. Dennis thinks his team is threatened by him, and that he can kick all of their asses anytime. Jesse asks “Why doesn’t he kick our ass at being a good person.” Yes, this is actually what he said. Jesse James is not a man who knows fear. I am having an actual emotional reaction to Celebrity Apprentice, which is not what I signed up for. Trump finally sucks it up and fires Dennis Rodman. Seriously, people are crying and hugging, and it’s just awful. Dennis won’t look at anybody at first. Joan Rivers is discovering that she still has tear ducts for the first time in thirty years.
In the limo, Dennis is silent and the voice-over comes from someplace else entirely. He talks about “overcoming this” and “coming back stronger”, only I think he’s talking about being kicked off the show, rather than his alcoholism. And that’s the thing that’s really sad here is that he doesn’t have the ability to acknowledge any of his own problems. People are out to get him. He’s a great basketball player, so how could he possibly be weak in any other part of his life. And even though he got called out on it, none of that sank in. It’s just going to fuel his persecution complex and give him more excuses for next time. This is a somber note to end on for something that had started out so hilariously with talk of pubes and queening out.
Next week: Trump goes crazy and inspires a “Celebrity Mutiny”. Also, they refer to him as a “TV Icon, loved by millions”. So clearly, we can’t trust this promo one bit.
