Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season 2, Episode 9 (May 5)
Opening credits. Can you imagine how much this would suck if Andrew “Dice” Clay were still on the show at this point? I’d have torn my eyes out by now. (I was living in blissful ignorance that he’d ever been here in the first place. It was so long ago!–Myndi)
Jesse presents his charity with a check – it’s an industrial arts program for inner-city kids. This charity is clearly really important to him, and it’s the kind of thing that’s probably off the radar, so good for them!
The retarded baby ducklings assemble at what appears to be the NBA gift shop. Trump starts the presentation by moving Jesse back to KOTU to even up the teams. For anybody who thinks Jesse is inexpressive, this here is a fantastic example of “Sad Jesse”. Getting moved back to Team Suck can’t be pleasant, but Jesse looks like a man whose puppy was sentenced to death. Trump asks if he’d rather be with Team Athena in the most awkward way possible (“Would you rather be with your other three components?”) and Jesse points out that they’ve been winning over on Athena. Oh, also Melissa Rivers takes some time to make it all about her in an interview. I’ll try not to recap Melissa when she’s being boring, except that this might result in her sudden appearance at the end of the episode with no build-up, which might confuse the casual reader. Trump asks how Jesse feels about being on a team with Joan and Clint, and Jesse replies “I love Joan”. Hee.
In the weirdest task introduction ever, Trump leads with “More than anything, I hate people who smell”, and then he asks Jesse if he uses deodorant. How that reads to me is “Jesse, you seem to be one of those stinky people who I hate. Care to offer a rebuttal?” Anyway, the sponsor this week is Right Guard, which Donald claims to use. “Even though I don’t really need it.” Yes, Trump sweats chardonnay and farts Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Poo. Joan Rivers assures him that he’s a flower. He introduces Brad and Doug, who give them the task to create a four-page magazine ad for the new Right Guard Fast Break. The ad should incorporate the Knicks’ David Lee, and I sort of think this task would be better if instead it were David Lee Roth.
Trump introduces his wingmen, Mad Money’s Jim Cramer (“a financial genius, but in this market, who the hell’s a genius?”) and Ivanka. Nice to see Jim Cramer is taking a break from his busy schedule of devaluing my grandfather’s life savings, right? I actually like Jim, but he had some bad calls that are only exacerbating the current crisis, and I loved Jon Stewart taking him on a couple of weeks ago. On the other hand, he did appear on Arrested Development, so I’m torn. On Athena, Brande Roderick steps up as team leader, and Clint volunteers for KOTU. Awesomely, you can hear Clint saying “I’ve done very well in the past”, and I have to wonder if he was Project Manager on a bunch of unaired tasks, because I only saw him as Manager when they made a masturbation-themed ad for laundry detergent. He interviews that he’s happy to be the Manager “as long as the team is willing to take responsibility for my decisions”. Wait, what? Shouldn’t he be the one taking responsibility for his decisions? That’s a pretty cushy leadership gig, I have to say.
Brande trash-talks Clint, and Clint nods mutely. Wait a minute, eight seasons into this show, and we may have found somebody who’s more awkward at basic human interactions than Trump himself. Or else Clint was just thinking about a new scene in his upcoming vanity press novel Flint Brown: Bluetooth Cowboy. (“Look little lady,” he said to the Amazon Princess, “Fighting’s not my preferred way to solve this, if you know what I mean. But if that’s what you’re looking for,” quick as lightning, he unholstered his six-shooter, “that’s what you’re gonna get.”)
At Athena, Melissa’s first idea is that their ad show Annie playing poker with David Lee, Brande flirting with him, and Melissa critiquing his outfit. Yes, those will all be clear and apparent as single static images. Melissa then comes up with a bunch of boring ideas about things that might make David Lee sweat. Why exactly is he going on a job interview? I’m no Melissa fan, but I have to say that Annie Duke and Brande have pretty much gone all Mean Girls on her. (I really wish one of them had tried to make ‘fetch’ happen–Myndi) Annie comes up with an idea where he’s holding a basketball in front of his privates, and then they tone it down where he’s shirtless and holding a basketball in front of his chest, probably to hide his half-formed conjoined twin.
Athena meets with the Right Guard executives, and they ask whether the “shirtless man holding a basketball” is “too risqué” for the company. What they fail to ask is whether it’s “too gay”. Annie rolls her eyes grandly at Melissa’s every utterance, which is actually a reasonable response. Yes, I’m being hard on Melissa, but by the end, she will have earned it.
At KOTU, the Right Guard guys talk about the “Power Strip”, and in an interview, Clint calls it the “Power Stripe” and uses air quotes when he says “buzzword”. Anybody get the feeling that Clint is not the best choice to head a marketing task? Or any task? Or use regular grown-up scissors? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Clint asks about “sex in advertising”, and wonders whether the “presence of beautiful women” is effective, and the Right Guard executives look at him like he just wandered in from a mental institution. Jesse interviews that he has a magazine, and Clint doesn’t know what he’s doing. Jesse’s magazine, by the way? Married to Sandra Bullock Monthly. Not a lot of subscribers, but it’s highly-regarded. Jesse is actively irritated by this, probably because this is a task he’d be really good at, and he knows how Clint works.
Brande assigns Annie the separate tasks of “writing copy” and “brand messaging”. Shouldn’t those be kind of the same thing? I love the way people on this show are obsessed with the term “brand messaging” and don’t ever indicate a clear idea of what it means. (I’m guessing that’s because they aren’t completely sure.–Myndi) Annie pitches her idea about David at a club with his arms up, but his pits are dry. Then he’s playing basketball, still dry. That’s actually not a bad idea, because they could parallel the two poses, dancing and shooting a basket, and link them visually. His arms are up in both cases, he has a reason to have people at pit level in both shots. Annie tells Brande about how great she is for a while. Why is Annie such a suck-up with her? I swear, those two are going to make out before the end of the season.
At KOTU, Clint talks about the ad as a “chronology of a guy who sweats but doesn’t stink”. Jesse looks up facts about David Lee, and hilariously refers to his team as “the New York Knickerbockers”. And yes, I know that’s what the name means, but nobody’s called them that since 1814. At least now I’m confident that Jesse knows it’s funny. He’s grown on me more than anyone this season.
Joan takes it to an uncomfortable place by suggesting that the Caucasian David be “surrounded by giant Black guys”. Yes, I can’t imagine that being a problem at all. Jesse actually storyboards a four-page ad about David as a small town kid making it big. Clint blows off Jesse’s idea completely, and Jesse sort of checks out at this point. It’s clear that this is a task that Jesse’s really interested in – I don’t know that much about him, but it seems like he’s really passionate about design, and we’ve seen him taking pictures for a lot of tasks before.
Annie goes off with the photographer, and brags to him and to us about how she’s actually friends with David. Annie then calls Brande to tell her that they’re lucky to have David first for the shoot. Now, this is not new information – they knew that they have David first. Annie is calling with her reactions to an old piece of news. You know what? She’s a little hard to take. Not as much so as Melissa, who immediately complains to Brande that the two of them are keeping secrets (on speakerphone) and “conspiring” to get rid of her. While I’m sure they wouldn’t mind losing Melissa, as soon as you accuse somebody of a conspiracy, you become the crazy homeless guy arguing with the voice in his head. Melissa won’t stop harping on this point, which has the effect of making Brande want to conspire against her.
Back at KOTU, their photographer shows up. Jesse offers to show up and get a shot of the New York skyline, which has the added benefit of separating him from Clint for a while. Also, their female model shows up, to play David’s girlfriend in what Clint calls their “advertorial”. I don’t think that word means what Clint thinks it means. They set up poses with stand-ins, and it will not surprise you that Clint makes himself a stand-in. In fact, it looks like he has the tech guys digitally enhance his shot to make him appear as a man of average height. Hee. Ivanka shows up and Joan damns Clint with faint praise, claiming he’s “12 to 18%” better than his last time as Project Manager. The two of them pick on Jesse a little, claiming he might be trying to let Clint hang himself. Oh, I don’t think Clint needs the help. He brought his own rope! Meanwhile, Jesse is out there trying to find the best shot he can, convinced that Clint is going to screw this one up. Clearly, he’s been watching the show.
Athena begins their photo shoot at a nightclub, shooting the backdrop. Brande mentions to Annie that Melissa has become a crazy woman. And when you’re telling Annie Duke that somebody is crazy, they are freaking crazy. (Don’t forget how Brande said Melissa thought they were trying to ‘coerce’ against her, which Annie managed to change to ‘conspire’ without laughing at or embarassing ditzy Brande. Gotta give her some credit for that maneuver.–Myndi)
After a commercial, Donald Trump recaps the episode to date. Wow, I thought we were done with these bits, but they still keep sneaking them in.
At KOTU, everybody is wowed by Jesse’s cityscapes, and Clint promptly adds, and I am not kidding, fireballs to the picture. Is a shot of the New York skyline on fire really what deodorant users want to see? He further craps it up with big wads of text. Joan really tries to talk him down from using fireball backgrounds on everything, but Clint clings to it the way Homer Simpson clings to a Star Wipe. Joan, for her part, says that she’s given her input, and it’s up to Clint to F it up. Joan swears a lot for an old lady. Jesse begins an interview with “Clint sucks”. He really doesn’t like the ad, and he complains that Clint put a couple of giant Right Guard sticks where the World Trade Center used to be. I don’t really get that from the positioning of the sticks, but in general, adding twin monoliths to a New York skyline is probably not a great idea. Jesse hates Clint’s ad like it stole his lunch money.
Clint doesn’t know why Jesse’s upset, since he used “some of his ideas”. In other words, he used a picture Jesse shot and then set it on fire. Jesse and Joan argue about whether or not it does any good to tell Clint that he sucks, and all of a sudden, Joan is upset that this is Jesse’s way to get rid of Clint. See, I think it’s just that he put in a lot of effort, and Clint doesn’t care. It’s either fight and lose or just let Clint crap it up. You’ll remember that Clint chose Option B not that long ago, and I almost think she’s goading Jesse into a fight so there can be some non-Rivers-centric conflict in the Boardroom. Joan does have a great line that “Clint would give himself a hickey”, which is your disturbing visual of the day.
David Lee shows up at Athena to tower over everybody. Brande is surprised at how cute he is. Because usually the athletes who get the big endorsement dollars are toads. Perhaps you remember Pepsi’s ill-fated Gheorge Muresan campaign from a few years back… (Yes, that was a specific sports joke. No, I don’t have any more in me, unless we can somehow turn the conversation to any players who appeared in NBA Jam for the Super Nintendo.) Brande takes over the photo shoot by offering posing suggestions and being the Project Manager. As soon as she opens her mouth, Melissa gives up and sulks. Man, Claudia Jordan is watching this episode at home and loving it. Also, David Lee is apparently number 42, which makes me happy as both a Lost fan and a Douglas Adams fan.
Melissa complains to Annie about her treatment, and Annie offers a sympathetic ear, mostly so she’s able to get either one of them on her side, depending on how the Boardroom goes. You know, Annie Duke is not the opposite of Lex Luthor. If she spend more time talking about killing Superman and less time bragging about her blowjob acumen, they’d be difficult to tell apart. (Also, “Blowjob Acumen” would be a fantastic name for a punk album.)
David Lee then arrives at KOTU, where Clint explains that he’s done over 1600 photo shoots, and I really don’t think that’s true. That’s one photo shoot every weekday for six years. Is their some sort of Clint Black cottage industry of which I’m unaware, like Bibles with a different picture of Clint Black on every page? 365 Days of Clint Black calendars? Professional models haven’t done 1600 photo shoots! I would hazard a guess that fewer than 1600 individual pictures of me exist. Clint’s reality does not always match up with actual reality. Jesse James sits back, amused by Clint’s inability to work a photo shoot. He doesn’t like losing, but he like pointless arguments even less.
Commercials. NBC is actually bragging about giving Jay Leno five hours of primetime real estate every week. You’d think they’d want to keep that a shameful secret. (You know, their Boston affiliate tried, but they eventually caved to the Power of the Chin.–Myndi)
KOTU works on their layout, and Annie and Brande pop into the room. Jesse and Clint are amused, but Joan seethes. Joan accuses Annie of being the Antichrist, and Jesse reminds her that Annie’s Hitler. Joan’s response: “I don’t want to insult Hitler”. The Hell? Is it possible that Joan Rivers doesn’t actually know who Hitler is? Is it possible she thinks that he was an irritating late-run addition to Cheers, who many fans blame for derailing the show? You guys? Can we take up a collection to buy Joan a ticket to the Holocaust Museum? I really think there are some things she needs to know about.
Joan interviews about her Annie-hate, including claiming that she’ll need two doctors for her first facelift. You know, because she’s two-faced. Joan at this point needs three strong men and a team of Clydesdales for her facelifts, of course. Clint asks Jesse’s opinion, and Jesse tells him that it looks like poo, only in a bleepable way. The gloves are off and Jesse tells him it looks terrible. He suggests hitting delete and starting over. Clint attributes this to gameplay on Jesse’s part, and I think he’s way off. I don’t think Jesse’s going to care if and when he gets fired. This is a task that engages his creativity, and he wants it to be good.
The two get into it, and Jesse finally lights into Clint. On Jesse’s part, it’s more about taunting at this point, but Joan characterizes him as “angry”. For what it’s worth, he doesn’t raise his voice in any of the footage that we see, and instead he takes delight in telling Clint that his visual sense is awful and that he’s going to get fired. The only thing that’s not cool on his part is his refusal to help fix it, short of scrapping the whole ad. In an interview, Jesse again brags about being the first person to suggest firing Clint, and reminds us that people freaked out when he suggested it.
At Athena, Jim Cramer stops by to check it out and behave oddly. Annie brags about all the work she did, but keeps mentioning how Brande delegated to her. Jim is impressed that she’s able to claim credit but still maintain deniability, something he will likely incorporate into future episodes of Mad Money whenever somebody mentions Bear Stearns. He then asks the women what one thing they want him to say about them. Brande: “Good leader”. Annie: “Worked my ass off and did some amazing branding”, which is two things. Melissa: “I visually told a story and it was equal”. Yeah, the person who does the least always wants people to know that everybody put in an equal amount. This infuriates Annie, which is hilarious. Of course, after Jim leaves, Melissa keeps talking about their equal work, because she knows she’s the wounded, menstruating gazelle in this pack.
Trump sums up the episode for us again. Trust me, if these segments are ever interesting, I’ll let you know.
Presentation time! Clint presents for KOTU, because everybody else hates the ad. Of note is that their ad contains the phrase “Power Stripe”, even though the executives clearly said “Strip”. Since it doesn’t come up again, I’m going to assume that “Stripe” is actually correct and the executives misspoke. It goes off without a hitch, except for Clint’s awkward way of speaking to people, and Jesse’s constant “who farted?” expression. (If last week is any indication, than it was, in fact, Jesse.)
Next up is Athena, and Annie is handling the presentation. Because it’s all equal. Annie sort of talks to them like they’re small children. And they totally screw up the visual appeal of having David appear in similar poses in each scenario. And the shirtless shot looks just as weird as I thought, giving the impression that he’s covering up something with that ball.
Trump meets with the executives, who liked both ads. They liked the use of the orange color and like the layout for the KOTU ad, but they don’t like that they but David in a Right Guard jersey instead of his actual jersey. They like Athena’s shirtless shot, but not the way that they buried it. Honestly, I think both look kind of crappy, and Right Guard’s enthusiasm is either polite or indicative of a basic failure on their company’s part. Or both.
Boardroom time! Trump asks Brande how they did, and she can’t imagine that they didn’t win. Both of her team members agree that Brande handled them well. Sexy! Clint says “if we won, we did brilliantly”, and Trump refuses to even acknowledge the joke. When Trump asks Jesse, he feels like Clint didn’t utilize the team properly. Jesse says Clint’s too caught up with being “the guy”, and doesn’t use his teammates. Jesse brings up that he owns a magazine, and his expertise was not taken into account. Clint is surprised to hear that he doesn’t listen, mostly because he didn’t pay attention for the last nine weeks when people have been saying that exact thing. Clint even claims that he used Jesse’s layout, only he took some of his own valuable time to make it ass-ugly. Trump cuts Clint off, because he can’t understand him. Clint then says Jesse waited until it was too late to voice his objections, although it seems like those objections came up much earlier than that.
Trump asks Jesse what he thinks of Joan, and he responds that “She’s a bleephole” cracking up the Boardroom and also me. Jesse then says he’s glad to be friends with Joan and also “there’s this crazy sexual electricity between us”. Ha! Joan loves Clint but says he’s very stubborn, though he’s trying to change. In a Deep Thoughts moment, Trump says “I don’t think anybody changes. They come out a certain way, that’s what you’re going to get.” Wow. So much of what he says and does makes more sense now – that’s why he remembers exactly one thing about each person and always works from that piece of information.
The weirdly, he asks Clint if he ever takes his hat off. Then Trump wonders aloud whether he should wear a hat. He decides that he likes his hair, but still thinks maybe he and Jim Cramer should start wearing hats. Hey, if anybody out there is good with Photoshop and wants to send me pictures of Trump wearing hilarious hats, I promise to put them to good use.
Brande thinks they won, and they rave about how great David Lee was. Annie mentions that they’re friends, and Joan gets incredibly upset about that. Even Melissa thinks Joan is flying off the handle now. This is the last time this episode that Melissa Rivers will indicate any knowledge as to where the handle actually is, by the way.
Trump tries to get to the bottom of whether Annie did all the work on the project, and Brande is pretty good at deflecting him. Ivanka makes a remark about how most PM’s wouldn’t “forego the opportunity” to be part of the brand messaging. Brande says she didn’t, only she can’t come up with the past tense of “forego”. She finally settles on “foregoo”, which is awesome. Now, I don’t think Brande is dumb, necessarily. I mean, there’s the residual dumbness that affects the whole cast, but I think she’s got her head on fairly straight. However, she’s not much of a debater, and since so much of this show happens in the Boardroom, it makes her look worse than she should. Still, “foregoo” is freaking hilarious.
Melissa doesn’t like the way that Annie was “the loudest voice” in the team. Annie reminds Trump that she hasn’t made a personal attack in the Boardroom yet, which spurs more personal attacks from Joan. Jim Cramer was sold on the idea that the team was equal, and now he’s shocked to find out that Annie Duke is pulling the strings. Melissa says Annie’s freezing her out because she could beat Brande more easily. Annie’s response: “Actually, I think I could beat you more easily.” Ha! Does anybody doubt that Annie could drive somebody to suicide with nothing more than words?
We’re back to the actual work of the task now, and Ivanka and Jim show both ads to the teams. Brande and Annie agree that KOTU’s ad was better than they expected. Well, Jesse had them picturing four pages of mass graves with a lot of misspelled text. The fact that Clint didn’t leave drool stains on the ad impressed them after that buildup. Jesse says he likes KOTU’s ad better, and he hated KOTU’s ad. Ha! “I thought we lost until I saw how badly they sucked.”
Trump says Right Guard liked both ads, but they preferred KOTU. Jesse tries to make a joke about Clint, and Trump doesn’t take it as a joke and lectures Jesse about being more gracious. Ah, Trump. Is there no interaction you can’t ruin?
Trump sends everybody out so he and the wingmen can make fun of them behind their collective backs. Out in the lobby, the members of Athena argue about whether they’re conspiring against Melissa. Two out of three people say they are not, which is exactly the kind of thing that a conspiracy would deny. If I may quote Venture Bros., “The minute after God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was formed against one of them!” Melissa takes a minute to feel sorry for herself, which I assume has kind of a permanent spot in her day planner.
KOTU celebrates in the suite, and Clint interviews about how awesome he is. Meanwhile, in the Boardroom, Jim calls Brande a “fine girl” (well, that’s not condescending!–Myndi), but thinks that since she delegated the task, she’s the one who should go. Ivanka thinks Annie or Melissa could hang themselves, because she noticed Melissa feverishly knotting a noose. Trump calls for Team Athena, and the awesomeness begins.
First off, he asks Brande why she should stay, and she says it’s because she’s shown her skills. And by “skills”, she means “boobs”. She says she’s raised the 2nd most money of anybody, after Annie. She points out that she took the initiative to be Project Manager. In a weird shot that makes the table look three miles long, Jim suggests that she didn’t delegate responsibilities correctly. You know, like the way he delegated responsibility for telling people that Bear Stearns was solid.
Trump asks Brande whether being beautiful means she doesn’t have to use her brains as much as “other women who are maybe less attractive”. And I am not making this up, as he says that, there’s a cut to the least flattering shot of Melissa Rivers ever. Oh, Apprentice editors, you get me. Brande says that it’s the opposite, and that she constantly has to prove herself. Which in many cases is true, I think. Although, it’s not always true. But Trump is a little too binary to accept subtlety. Either beautiful women are always smart or always dumb. Brande gets in a good point by saying that Ivanka probably has to do the same thing, which is pretty slick on her part. Ivanka then says “OK, Brande should stay”. Hee.
Joan rips on Brande in the suite, and it’s much less funny than Joan is capable of. I think she knows how this is going to go down, and she’s just trying to hold it together.
When asked who she’d fire, she says this task could go either way, but Brande is a stronger player overall in the game. Brande says that there’s no reason why Annie should be fired, and thinks Melissa’s gotten too personal. Brande is tired of the drama, and she thinks that she and Annie would make a stronger team than Annie and Melissa. She’s probably right.
Jim comes back in with his two cents, and he’s got it in for Brande. He also calls this show “the greatest competition in the world”. Hear that? Suck it, Olympic Games! He thinks Brande didn’t go after Melissa hard enough when asked who she’d fire. Ha! In Jim’s mind, this is damning for Brande, but what he’s really saying is “You didn’t tell us enough about how Melissa sucks”. This turns into a crazy-ass rant from Jim about highway directions, and Ivanka demands more reasons why Melissa should be fired. Finally, Brande gets pissed and says categorically that Melissa should be the one to go, and she can fundraise the crap out of Melissa any day of the week. This satisfies Jim.
OK, so after browbeating Brande to get her to slam Melissa, Trump asks Melissa what she thinks. And she gets one shot at being funny but not in the sad way when she answers “What part of this would you like me to address?” Yeah, there’s not an easy answer there. Melissa claims she can outwork anybody. Then she cuts off Trump, which makes Jim react like he’s been goosed. Melissa’s weird response is that they didn’t use her ideas, which doesn’t really absolve her of responsibility. She also says “I’m walking around on, basically, two ripped tendons”. Yeah, that “basically” says a lot. You might as well say “sort of, but not really”. Maybe say what your injury actually is, rather than what it almost is.
At this point, Ivanka talks about how Annie’s avoiding blame after taking credit for a losing project. Then Trump, no kidding, passes a note to Jim. Jim looks it over, and gives assent. You guys, it totally said “Do you like me? Yes/No”. And as Athena keeps talking, Trump and Jim whisper to each other. It’s not out of the question that they’re privately discussing Trump’s earlier plan for them to wear matching hats.
Finally, Jim says flat out that he thinks Melissa should be fired. Trump kind of makes fun of her for not being able to raise more money, and Melissa brags about raising the 4th highest amount on the show. Jim: “So? I got one and two right here? What’s four? It’s not even in the playoffs!” This sends Melissa into another bout of conspiracy theory, actually referring to Annie and Brande as a “cabal”. Trump puts us out of our misery and fires Melissa. Melissa sprints to the door (wearing a cast, to make it more hilarious), looks to the camera and says “uh-uh”.
In the suite, Joan decides she’s going to leave, and calls Annie a Nazi again. Melissa returns to the suite, swearing and yelling, and yells an out-of-context “whore”. She then runs past Annie and Brande, presumably so she doesn’t have to talk to them and also to make herself look like a total spoiled brat. Next, she screams at the receptionist, that she wants her stuff (though that’s not the word she uses), and that she won’t be coming back for an interview.
Joan calls Brande a “piece of bleep and a stupid blonde”. There’s an argument, and Joan flips out about how Brande thinks “it’s all about money”. Well, considering that you’re trying to win for charity, it sort of is. Joan screams at Annie that “your people give money with blood on it.” Yes, Joan hates all poker players now. In fact, she says “poker player” the way you might say “pedophile” or “person who casually compares others to Hitler”. Last time I saw somebody flip out like this on TV, it was a cartoon wolf at a burlesque show.
Meanwhile, Melissa screams at the producers, who actually look terrified. Trump can hear her from the Boardroom, and it looks like he’s huddling with Jim and Ivanka to wait out the storm. Melissa yells “I’m not coming back”, which is sort of the point of getting fired. She curses out the producers, the receptionist, and the poor bastard who waits in the elevator. Then, the door closes we fade to black.
OK, I think we can agree that it’s awesome when somebody totally loses it like that on TV, right? But that’s the most damning behavior that I’ve ever seen on this show, and I saw Vincent Pastore threaten to have Piers Morgan murdered. Flat out, that was Melissa behaving like the spoiled brat that she is. This was somebody who doesn’t even have the tiniest amount of self control to act gracious for all of ten seconds. You know how she seems awful when you see her on those red carpet shows? Yeah, she’s actually a thousand times more awful. Somebody whose career (such as it is) consists of talking smack about what people are wearing, comes totally unhinged when she’s not everybody’s favorite. Going into this show, I thought Melissa was an untalented lamprey, clinging to her famous mother and bringing nothing of her own to the process. And while I still think that’s true, now I also think she’s kind of a rotten person. I mean, when you go out on a less classy note than Dennis Rodman, you’ve got to reassess.
Will Joan be back next week, or will she be spending her time shielding Melissa from harsh reality? Will Annie prove that Joan was right by eating a live baby? Will Jesse James blink? I know I can’t wait! And I don’t have to, since I finished this recap a day late!
