Celebrity Apprentice Smackdown: Season Two Finale, Part One
He hugs Jim Cramer on the way down the aisle before taking the stage. (What is the deal there, anyway?–Myndi) A beautiful woman takes his coat as he assembles with Don Jr. and Ivanka in an exact replica of the Boardroom. In Trump’s head, this is what it always looks like when he enters the room. He announces to the crowd that they’ve been picked up for another season. Wow, for somebody who was cancelled three years ago, that’s pretty darn good. It’s like King of the Hill, in a way.
Trump introduces a video montage recapping the season. So yeah, the audience is pretty much there to watch TV. Feel like hearing more about how much Joan hates Annie? No, I don’t either.
Opening credits: Hi, Natalie, Khloe, and T-Boz. This is all we’ll be seeing of you tonight!
The video footage starts right after Trump picks the top two. Annie tries to talk to Joan in the suite, and Joan cuts her off at the knees. This is the kind of thing that would be hilarious early in the season, but now it’s played out and boring, so I’ll skip it.
Some indeterminate period of time later, Annie and Joan meet Trump, the Trumplings, and the guy who I recognized as the Kodak executive who hated Gene Simmons last season. He brings in some past Apprenti, Brande, Clint, Herschel, Melissa, Tom, and Dennis. They flip a coin for first pick, Annie wins and picks Brande. Joan picks Herschel, and both Joan and Melissa interview like they come up with the greatest strategy since “one if by land, two if by sea” – Save Melissa for last and pick the good people first. Yeah, I think Annie saw that coming. Me, I think it would have been awesome if Annie picked Melissa. Annie’s next pick is Dennis, which is pretty surprising. Joan picks Clint, Annie picks Tom, and Melissa ends up with Joan. They actually high-five because they’re so impressed with themselves.
Trump explains the task, which is a silent auction in conjunction with Kodak and Cirque du Soleil. He introduces the Kodak exec standing next to him, and I really wish he had pulled a tiny box out of his pocket and said “and representing Cirque du Soleil”, while the box unfolded into a full-size person. They’ll also create a limited edition Kodak frame, which I don’t quite get because it doesn’t really come up again. They’ll be judged on the amount of money raised, sponsor integration, charity integration, celebrities in attendance, and overall appearance. They’ll also be selling tickets to Cirque out of a double-decker bus, which seems like a last minute addition to the task.
Back in the live show, Trump brings out the fired retarded baby ducklings, except for three Athena members who wanted no part of this. Andrew “Dice” Clay, Scott Hamilton, Claudia Jordan, Brian McKnight, and Jesse James. Trump asks Clay how he feels about being fired, Clay leads with “It’s been the greatest year of my life”, and Trump cuts him off. He only wants to know how he’s been doing since the firing. Clay wines about how Trump won’t let him talk and uses up all his available time doing so. Hee. Scott Hamilton thanks Trump for all the work he’s done for figure skating in Harlem, which is something I did not know. He’s also happy he was fired early. Trump congratulates Jesse for becoming very popular on the show, and then calls him a stud. Jesse asks Trump “You like me that way?” Man crushes are the overriding theme of this series. When asked, Brian only answers “I had a good time”. Claudia calls it an amazing experience. Twice.
We return to the task. On Team Joan, Joan says she’s going to “duke it out”, which in my circle is a euphemism for taking a dump. You’re welcome for that mental image. On Annie’s bus, she lays out a strategy for her team. She sets Tom and Dennis on the task of selling the Cirque tickets. Annie also says “I want to crush this woman”, and Dennis asks “Who? Joan?” No, former First Lady Pat Nixon. Thanks for following the plot, Dennis! Tom looks at Annie like she’s a crazy lady, and he’s not wrong. She asks Dennis if he can raise money, and he answers “I’m on your team”. That is not as reassuring as he thinks it is. Later in the War Room, Dennis brings in a sack of $20,000 cash. Do not ask Dennis where he got a sack full of money. You will not like the answer. I wish he’d taken the time to paint a dollar sign on the sack, though.
Kodak Jeff meets with Joan’s team, and Joan can’t wait “to learn what their philosophy is”. I’m betting it’s film-centric. Clint gets his first good joke of the series, “We’re gonna ask what Gene Simmons would do, and then do the opposite.”
He then meets with Annie’s team to explain the digital picture frames, and he makes a joke about Dennis’ rotating lineup of girlfriends which earns a glare from Dennis. When he explains that they can put video in the frame as well, Tom asks “So it’s basically a TV”, and I flash back to Flight of the Conchords meeting with the greeting card company. “There’s a chip in the card that plays your song.” “So a Walkman, then?” Tom then proclaims that he wants one and asks for a free digital frame. And then he asks if they can redesign the boxes, and Annie apologizes for him. Tom interviews that people wouldn’t enjoy dealing with Annie in the real world.
In Joan’s War Room, Herschel Walker is growing hobo stubble. It seriously looks like he fell on hard times since he got fired. All he needs is a bindle, and he’s ready to steal a pie from a windowsill. Clint says he can’t raise any money, since he used up all his contacts. You know who’s really hard up these days? Country music stars. Faith Hill had to take a second job at the Piggly Wiggly just to make ends meet. Unless the issue is that Clint doesn’t actually have any friends, which I totally believe. (Maybe they hang out with Lisa Hartman Black’s old “Knot’s Landing” castmates. Joan Van Ark and Ted Shackleford might be on a budget.–Myndi)
As we go to commercials, the announcer tells us that Melissa and Brande will be Twittering throughout the show. Ugh. You know, there is exactly one person in the world with a Twitter feed worth reading, and that person is Aziz Anzari. Generally, if you think you are fascinating enough to support a Twitter feed, you are wrong. And if you are that fascinating, you don’t have time to Twitter. (So true. I don’t have the time.–Myndi)
When we come back, Jim Cramer presents Annie and Joan as stock picks and makes his analysis. Weirdly, it’s way less entertaining than his actual show. Where are the sound effects and flop sweat? He does not commit to either one, by the way. Wuss.
Annie’s team plugs away raising donations, and Tom Green looks as bored as a person could look. Annie attempts to mobilize the poker community against Joan, and sadly there is no mention of my favorite poker player Devilfish Ulliott. Seriously, his first name is “Devilfish”. That’s Hall of Fame stuff right there.
In Joan’s War Room, everybody’s making calls. Joan tells a donor that Annie is a piece of poo, except less nicely. Clint tells a donor that “my expectations are low-to-medium”. Clint Black: Never afraid to reach for the middle! Also, Clint is still wearing a headset and holding a phone. I think the headset is actually fake and he’s trying to hide his hearing aid. Oh, and Clint appears to be making personal calls, and they seem to hinge heavily on Gilligan’s Island references. You know, every new fact I learn about Clint is surprising at first, and then I think “Yeah, that’s about right”.
Annie’s event planner stops in – both teams have been provided with designers from the same firm. Keep this in mind, because that’s actually really important. An entire audience watching the same show that we did will deny certain events, so just remember it for later. Joan’s planner also comes to check out the space. The events are actually in the same building, separated by a fake wall. So it seems like the planners are there at the same time, but this show often lies to me. For example, it turns out there is no such person as “Natalie Gulbis”. That was all special effects! (Couldn’t they have cg’d in a neck for the poor woman then?–Myndi)
Tom Green decides to sit in on the meeting with the planner, because he thinks it’s funny to watch Annie ignore him. Annie mentions invisible wire, and Tom Green wonders aloud how they can find invisible wire. Since, you know, invisible. Annie is not amused. She is even less amused when Dennis Rodman calls her cell phone while standing in the same room, just to see if she needs anything. This is funny. What’s even funnier is that Annie tries to pretend she’s talking to somebody else (“Paul”) for the benefit of the event planner. Who is standing in the room. And can see and hear Dennis Rodman.
Joan tells her planner she wants the whole space to be about Kodak and Cirque du Soleil, and that’s not necessarily an easy mix to wrap one’s mind around. Melissa explains that Joan has a hard time to working with those who aren’t “her people”. Joan is frustrated with the man, and his concern is legitimate – she wants to decorate in red, yellow, and white and “make it winter”. White, sure. Red and yellow are going to be hard. Especially since the immediate connotation would be yellow snow. And, I don’t know, elf blood. Something like that. Joan really doesn’t have a clear idea, but she’s mad at her planner for not getting it.
Commercials. Is that Stephen “Flea” Baldwin on I’m a Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here? Because he freaked out when he didn’t like the view from his hotel room. He’s not going to last more than a couple of seconds in the jungle. He will be eaten. (Well, we can dream, anyway.–Myndi)
I’m perplexed by this next sequence. Tom and Dennis go out on the team’s bus to sell Cirque tickets. They keep talking about getting people on the bus, but the event isn’t until that night, and I worry that they’re kidnapping tourists. Tom rides on the roof and yells at the public, and points out how creepy it is to coerce people onto a bus. When Tom Green thinks it’s creepy, it’s freaking creepy. Tom chats up a guy who doesn’t speak English and a lot of other New Yorkers seem terrified by him. A random lady points out that Dennis should be able to sell a lot of tickets. That lady hasn’t been watching the show. Finally, Tom decides they should get a drink. So that stuff about Dennis getting help wasn’t technically true? I am shattered.
Melissa and Herschel head out on Joan’s bus. On the way, Herschel calls a buddy of his who makes a donation by buying all the tickets, so they can just pass out free tickets to people. Nice one, Herschel! Sure enough, people get on their bus.
Tom keeps accosting the public, and acknowledges that failing to sell tickets is more fun than getting yelled at by Annie. While he’s standing atop the bus, a traffic light narrowly misses his head. I mean, it’s really close. If he would have coughed at the wrong time, there would have been a splat. Tom then decides to court death by ducking signs and trees at the last second. Hee.
The Trumplings visit Team Joan. Joan tells them that Kathy Griffin, Matthew Modine, and Kyle MacLachlan will be there. Huh. Sounds like somebody’s been playing Mad Libs. Ivanka worries about getting enough foot traffic into the auction to sell the items. Clint, and I assume he’s trying to be funny, brags that they’ve “secured tickets to Cirque du Soleil”. I mean, I can’t rule out that he actually doesn’t know that Cirque is a sponsor. Either way, Ivanka looks at him with a mixture of pity and contempt that would make a more self-aware man cringe. Next, they visit Annie. Annie describes her view of the decorated room to them, and Don Jr. totally doesn’t care.
David the Event Planner calls Joan, and she shoots down everything he has to say. She actually makes barfy noises to convey her displeasure. She’s really rude and dismissive and doesn’t offer anything constructive. That’s sort of a theme of this episode.
After the commercial, Live Ivanka takes us to the next taped segment. I don’t want to scar your brains, but five dollars says Trump was in the bathroom. This is a segment about Annie and Joan shooting ten-second “The More You Know” ads. This, by the way, is the 20th anniversary of “The More You Know”. Damn, those spots have been around longer than The Simpsons. I think NBC needs to be more creative with these bits, by the way. I would pay good money to see Tracy Morgan do one.
Out on the street, Melissa is taking pictures of people having a Kodak Moment. Of course, since most people think of a Kodak Moment as something you would take a picture of, this turns infinitely recursive in no time. She tries to get pictures of people sharing, but all of her pictures seem to be people sharing space in the same photograph. It’s too bad, because she could have really done something creative here. I bet Jesse would have done better. It’s worth noting that Melissa has degenerated to the point where she now sounds exactly like Claudia Jordan’s impression of her.
Annie gets a call from her event planner, Nicole. Annie is very complimentary, both on the phone and in an interview. Remember this. Brande talks about working on “celebrity experiences” and mentions Lennox Lewis, Wyclef Jean, and A. Rod. Yeah, that last one has turned into a whole different experience over the last few months… Also, Lennox Lewis! I miss him. There’s a lot of rapid name dropping including Regis Philbin and the Backstreet Boys. Really? They’re going to come within a country mile of this show after last season’s wheat grass juice debacle? One guy whose name we see but he’s never mentioned is Mick Foley. I have no idea what Mankind is contributing to the auction, but the Mick Foley experience would be terrifying. Annie tells somebody that he “rocks the house”.
A lady with a British accent who works for David the Event Planner calls Joan. Joan is rude to her, even telling her that she’d like David to work with a friend of hers. British lady sounds pissed. Joan goes and calls all her friends to come in and decorate and slams poor David.
Clint types away on his laptop, and Joan asks if he’s working on the auction descriptions. “No, I’m sending e-mail.” Ha! Clint is no longer pretending to care. Also, I think we all know he was sending off copies of Flint Brown: Bluetooth Cowboy to various literary agents. (“Dear Sir or Madam: I’m sure you are very excited for the chance to work with me on this project…”) David the Planner calls back and after Joan beats on him for a while. She makes more noises with her mouth, and he hangs up on her. He calls back and quits. Again, remember that this thing happened. This is a thing that happened and that we saw happen.Meanwhile, Annie can’t get through to her planner, Nicole. She keeps going straight to voicemail. So she and Brande go to the office of the company. You can tell it’s not going well, because everybody’s faces are blurred out. The same British woman from before, with a blurry face, tells them to leave and take the cameras with them. Annie asks for a private talk, so she disappears into a room with the blurry lady. She then explains that Joan was so rude to her planner that the company has pulled out of their involvement with the show. Also, Joan’s planner was the owner of the firm. OK, what she’s saying here matches up with what we’ve seen. Annie was nothing but nice to Nicole, and after David quit on Joan, Nicole wouldn’t talk to Annie. I think it’s pretty clear to anybody watching that the sequence of events happen as described. Right? It’s not like a whole auditorium could spontaneously see that in an entirely different light, right?
Annie is dejected, and it’s late in the day. Her vendors are closed and she’s demoralized. But then, she busts out the Rolodex and starts making calls.
Back in the auditorium, Trump takes a moment to introduce George. I love George! He doesn’t really offer much here, but it’s always nice to see him.
In the past (it’s like I’m writing about Lost again with all these time jumps), Annie makes one million calls explaining her situation, and every single one involves talking about how awful Joan is. OK, Annie’s mad now. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Annie Duke will cut a bitch. I like how her repeated rants about Joan make her even more like Lex Luthor. If only Annie knew that Joan’s Kryptonite is the ravages of old age… Annie rallies the troops, and she does say that her advantage is that she “know(s) everybody on Earth”. By the way, Annie, I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I was at a movie, and then my voice mail cut you off before you got done ranting about Joan. Sorry.
Meanwhile, Joan gets the people from her charity to start decorating. OK, does Joan have any friends? The only people she can get, and they seem like swell folks, are the ones who stand to get $250,000 for their charity if she wins? I think Joan’s interactions with David are representative of her interactions with all people. Clint Black looks at the ceiling through this whole sequence. Dude’s got a lot on his mind.
Team Annie realizes they only have three celebrities coming, which has them worried. Tom and Dennis return, and it’s dark out so they’ve clearly been gone all day. Tom says they didn’t sell 60 tickets, which has Brande freaked out. They mince around, panicking Annie until they finally admit that they sold every last ticket. You know, I can’t help but think that at least some of those tickets ended up in g-strings across the Big Apple.
Joan’s team talks about decorating, and it becomes clear that this is going to be the gayest thing I have ever seen. The decorations are pretty boa-themed. Also, Joan can’t get any celebrities to come, and Herschel finally comes up with the idea of celebrity impersonators. Joan calls somebody and asks for “Bette, Cher, and Barbra”. Hilariously, they think she means Barbara Walters. Looks like we’re going to get those drag queens that Dennis was hoping for. She also wants a Donald Trump impersonator, and I feel like it’s generally cheaper to get the real thing. On the other side of the fake wall, Annie’s friends show up – some designers and a guy who I’m pretty sure was in Phil Leotardo’s crew.
As we come back, poker players talk about the finale, in what I’m sure is totally spontaneous conversation they just happened to get on camera. Know who they want to see win? Annie Duke!
All right, that’s the 90 minute mark. Come back later this week for the second half of the finale, wherein you actually get to see what the world looks like through Clint Black’s eyes. It is terrifying.
