Hey, Kenny Mayne is there, and he’s not wearing any eye makeup! I think I’d forgotten about Vivica A. Fox on this show. Oh, and Mark Cuban is taking up space. I know he’s insanely wealthy and all, but he still wears a gold chain like a pimp sometimes and just grosses me out. Sorry, I’m done now.
In the recap of last night’s events, we are told that Mario found his “inner gentleman” and also took Len’s brutal criticism of his feet with a lot of class. Marissa says she really “felt the audience” after their first dance and thinks Len calling for “more raunch” means the world has gone “upside down”. Kristi is taking her second place position in stride, while Jason is psyched about his samba before he performs it and says he’s do it again even after the judges trash it. The final part of the recap highlights Cristian’s big night and there’s a shot of Jason bandaging up his buddy’s arm. Can someone please get these guys a show? Perhaps a buddy comedy or maybe a remake of Brian’s Song, I don’t know. They’re just so great together!
We head to commercial with Sabrina Bryan recalling her favorite moment on the show, which was when Emmitt Smith did his MC Hammer dance, complete with baggy pants. I am reminded that Emmitt was pretty darn good.
When we come back, we are introduced to 100 fans that represent two fans from each state of the union. My friend is not among them, so I’m not interested. Backstage, the five remaining stars are chatting with Samantha, which is generally the viewer’s cue to grab a refreshing beverage. If you did that, you missed exactly nothing, except Cristian making a joke about Kristi letting he and Jason take turns being “on top”. I think I just saw Tom Bergeron blush.
Next up, Rascal Flatts will be performing their new single “Everyday” while Apolo Anton Ohno (or as my mom’s friend referred to him, “Yoko Ono”) and Julianne, Season 4 champs, dance. (Wow, I have American Idol on in the background as I type this, and the band was at that taping as well. Are the studios next door? How do you attend one live show at 5 pm PST and perform on another at 6 pm PST? Interesting.) Anyway, back to the show. I love these two. They end up on top of each other on the floor at the end of the first section and then execute several remarkable spins and neat moves (that’s a technical term, by the way), including one where Julianne puts one leg straight up against Apolo’s torso. At the end I want them to actually kiss each other, and then run off and make little dancing, skating babies.
Heading to break, Lisa Rinna recalls Kelly Monaco’s Season One wardrobe malfunction for us. Men of all ages smile.
Tom now does two second interviews with a handful of former cast members. To my delight, he starts with Stacy Keibler, meaning he won’t be talking to Mark Cuban. Yay! There is a joke about George Hamilton having a restraining order against him. Also, he must have had a previous tanning engagement, because he couldn’t make it tonight. Lisa Rinna is looking more like an actual trout than ever before while she informs us that she and her former partner Louis have started teaching a cardio ballroom dance class. She also admits to being a freak, which, points for knowing you’re a weirdo, Lisa.
Jerry Springer (cue the chanting) says his hip still hurts and he does his best old Jewish man accent. Vivica A. Fox pimps Curb Your Enthusiam a bit; Joey Fatone can’t complain about being beaten by Apolo because of all the work he’s gotten from the show; Kenny Mayne plugs his book, which he says is available at finer gas stations (hee) and Sabrina gets a simple “We love you” from Tom since they’ve run out of time for the segment. But Fatone still manages to mug a bit and turns around to show his last name embroidered on his jacket, like it was when he debuted on the show.
In the completely unnecessary 75th recap of last night’s scores, the only thing worth noting is that Mark makes a really goofy thumbs up about something and Kristi calls him a cheeseball, which was funny. Going to break, Helio Castroneves says seeing Apolo’s Paso Doble was what made him want to be on the show.
Tom tells us that several alums, including Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin, Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez have parlayed their time on the show into Broadway stints. In fact, Mario is currently starring in A Chorus Line, a show with which I’m mildly obsessed. I wonder if EJ knows that Emily Gilmore herself (one Kelly Bishop) got a Tony for her role in the original? I can’t recommend this show enough, even though I’ve not seen the current incarnation. Heck, rent the movie versionwith Michael Douglas as Zach, the role Lopez has now, if you must. It’s a great show with awesome music by Marvin Hamlisch. Not a nice man when I met him, but a hell of a composer. Where was I? Oh right, Mario and the rest of the cast come out in their retro Broadway dancer duds and do a specially choreographed number that combines the dramatic instrumental portion of the show’s opening number “I Hope I Get It” and the iconic finale “One”, including a kick line. Good job, Mario. Hold on–something just dawned on me–the guy most famous for playing A.C. Slater on Saved By the Bell is now playing a guy named Zach. I’m betting I’m the only one who finds that slightly amusing.
Here are Rascal Flatts again, to perform “Life is a Highway”, which just makes me think of Cars. We have to endure an entire verse and the chorus before Mel and Maks finally come out midway through the second verse. I think they’re doing a version of their samba (maybe?) from last season and they’re wonderful as ever. She even does that series of splits across the floor. Mel also ends up on top of Maks at the end, as Julianne and Apolo did, and she gives him several quick pecks. You can tell they’ve stayed close friends.
Backstage, Samantha has three of the five former champs (no Emmitt or Helio), and asks who they want to win. Kelly picks Kristi, since she’s a woman. Apolo only cares that another athlete takes it. Drew, who has made this show and anything associated with it his entire career at this point, picks Cristian, showing obvious Cheryl bias. Going to commercial, he recalls Marie fainting as a memorable moment. Dude, that was nuts at the time. I remember thinking, for just a second, that Marie Osmond just dropped dead on live TV. In the end, however, that whole fiasco got her another talk show.
There is a filler segment asking each of the Final Five (that’s two Battlestar references in two straight Dancing recaps!) what they’ve learned from past competitors. Kristi wants to channel Joey Fatone’s personality. What, like in Freaky Friday? That’d be funny. Marissa hopes to capture Mel B.’s “fierceness”. Good luck with that, hon. Mario is–shockingly–inspired by Mario Lopez, just as Jason is inspired by Emmitt, who he says made it cool to dance. Cristian makes the Latin connection with Helio. He also says Helio brought an element of surprise to each dance, and says he’s got a lot of work to do to catch up to him.
At last, we have reached the elimination. First ones safe? Marissa and Tony. She goes ballistic. Next, Kristi and Mark. For once, she’s pretty visibly happy. The remaining pros, Karina, Edyta and Cheryl, all have varying degrees of bitchface going on; Karina’s comes complete with an eye roll. Samantha talks to the safe couples backstage and I am very distracted by Marissa’s ill-fitting costume. Has no one in wardrobe heard of a girdle? Or those Spanx thingies? Get her a proper foundation garment already!
As we head to one last commercial, Kelly Monaco reminds us of the shocking and far too early exit of Sabrina Bryan from Season 5, calling the show the most unpredictable on TV. When we return, Cristian and Cheryl are announced as safe, which means we’re down to Mario and Jason, who are not necessarily the bottom two. Karina knows the score (har, har) and waves goodbye to the camera. Nevertheless, Edyta is super-relieved to be announced as safe. And that’s it for Mario, who handles the elimination with grace. He takes the time to thank his partner and Len, but also the men and women fighting in Iraq. Wow, this kid is what we call in Yiddish a real mensch. He’s a great example to the kids and just seems like a solid guy. I’m a little bit in love with him right now. They have a fun last dance to “I Will Survive”.
Come back to spunkybean tomorrow, when we’ll cover the Top 10 dances of the series, as picked by the judges. We might also have some scoop from the big party, if all goes well!
