Dancing With The Stars

Dancing With The Stars Results: The Hammer Gets Nailed!

Last night on Dancing with the Stars, our intrepid dancers tackled the Viennese Waltz and the pasodoble. It was a night of capes, cleavage, and, no kidding, a unicycle. When people call you during the show to ask “Am I dreaming or is that really a unicycle?”, you know it’s a weird night.

Hey, Tom Bergeron, what rock band sold 8 million copies of their 1994 album Throwing Copper? Liiiiiiiiiive!

Samantha Harris is looking fantastic in a green dress. That’s right, I don’t really know how to describe outfits. Or dancing. It’s the ideal show for me to recap! Anyway, we start right off with special guest Sheryl Crow. Does she have someplace else to be? She’s performing “All I Wanna Do”, which came out when Julianne was four years old. I would pay to watch somebody point that out the Sheryl. Dancing are the pairs of Fabian and Kym and Tony and Edyta. We’re quite a ways into the song before we even see the dancers, because Sheryl Crow does not share camera time, dammit! Frustratingly, we sometimes hear the studio audience cheer, and we know that something cool is happening on stage, but we’re stuck with a close-up of the keyboard player.

After the song, we cut to Tom and Samantha in the balcony. Have you guys noticed that sometimes Samantha stares at Tom like she’s in love with him? It’s so cute. Plus, it’s exactly how both of your local Dancing recappers would stare at Tom.

Kristi Yamaguchi scored the first tens of the season. Marlee Matlin and Priscilla Presley wanted to catch up to Kristi, but fell short. In a funny segment, Marlee talks about Bruno’s advice as to keeping her “bum” under her, and she says “bum” about twenty times, and I wonder if she’s using the sign language for “hobo” or for “ass”. This kind of thing worries me. Fabian leers at the camera and tells us he’s ready to “work on the bum”. All right new guy, I said I wasn’t going to like anybody new, but I’m lifting the rope for you. By the way, their recap totally omits the part where Carrie Anne was openly weeping.

We’re reminded that Priscilla lost some points for an illegal lift. Strangely, this did not turn into a heated argument like it has in past seasons. I wonder why not? Oh, that’s right. Tony wasn’t involved. Jason Taylor and Edyta freak out over their two 10’s. The judges couldn’t agree on Mario’s pasodoble, and Karina’s chest is upsetting. I didn’t notice it until Myndi pointed it out, but that’s not good. Carrie Anne did not get mad at Marissa Jaret Winokur for unexplained reasons last night, which is a step in the right direction. Cristian de la Fuente made crazy noises and dressed exactly like the Crow.

The ongoing crusade to make Shannon Elizabeth feel good about herself coaxed Len’s first ten of the season, despite poor Derek’s fairly serious neck injury. And then came Adam Carolla. In an interview, Julianne says “Screw the judges”, and then is hilariously horrified. Adam suggests that might help their scores, which so muddies the line of funny and gross that I lose my bearings.

Tom reminds us that “the Red Light looms” and that somebody’s ballroom career will be coming to an end. Before they toss it to commercial, they promise more Sheryl Crow, as well as dancing children. Joy.

Time for the encore performance. Len explains that, for the first time ever, each of the three judges wanted a different couple for the encore. They ended up picking Adam and Julianne for their entertainment value. Stop it! You’re encouraging him! If you reward him for a unicycle, he’s going to upgrade to a pogo stick next week.

The benefit of the unicycle bit is that Julianne gets to dance alone for a brief period, and it’s a nice reminder of how good she really is. It’s actually kind of funny to see how so many of the support holds are really just her doing amazing things and then him putting his hands on her waist. Once again, it is not good dancing on his part. He’s quite a unicyclist though, you have to give him that.

Backstage, Samantha chats up Marissa and Shannon and their partners. Tony hopes they stay in the competition so they can explore Marissa’s “daredevil” side. She is totally getting shot out of a cannon. Samantha kids Shannon and Derek about their chemistry, and they get kind of uncomfortable. Are they going to be the real-life couple of the season? Nice Mormon boy, that naked girl from American Pie… It’s the oldest story in the book, really. Samantha points out that Derek has Shannon’s glitter all over him. Ha! Wow, Samantha is funny tonight! Intentionally!

Tom comes back with a joke about Tony’s next chest waxing. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him wear a full shirt. His nipples must be super-sensitive, I guess.

In the recap of scores, Karina seems really upset about their 24. I’ve never seen one of the female pros really get into it with the judges, but Karina might be the one to break that glass ceiling.

Our hosts reveal the first two couples who are safe. Jason and Edyta are first. Wow, so the people who were one point from perfection are safe. That’s a shocker, right? What next, Kristi and Mark? Yep. They’re safe too. The people who had absolutely nothing to worry about no longer have to pretend to be concerned.

They’ve had dancing kids in the past, but this season, they’ll actually be judged. Here’s hoping Bruno can watch the metaphors… Also, anybody want to bet that Carrie Anne will be moved to tears within the next three weeks? First up we have Aaron and Daniela who are tiny and adorable. They assure us that they are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Awww. They’re a pint-size version of Shannon and Derek.

They dance the samba to “Under the Sea”. I don’t actually know enough about dance to properly critique the adults, and it’s even harder with kids. Because, you know, they’re little. Their movements are little and the emotion they’re conveying with their performance is “Holy crap, I’m little.” That said, it’s very cute and one thousand times better than I could ever do. It’s just weird to see something like that happening.

Tom gets on his knees to talk to them, and he’s funny and sweet. He’s really genuine with them and he’s enthusiastic without being condescending. Man, Tom’s awesome. When it comes to reality hosts, he and Phil Keoghan reign over all the others.

Len leads off by saying he was bitterly disappointed, but he’s grinning, so you know he’s not being mean. He’s disappointed because it was so short, and he wanted to see more. Look at Len being nice. It’s a little weird that he compliments their hip action, but I guess that is something that even kids have to be aware of when they dance. Bruno loved it and calls Daniela a tropical goldfish. Carrie Anne is happy, too. Good job, kids!

But now we have to introduce competition to the proceedings, so we meet Aaron and Rashell. Yes, that’s two Aarons. Aaron likes science and Rashell collects snowglobes. A large portion of her collection is made up of globes featuring characters from Disney, ABC’s corporate master. I’m sure that’s a coincidence. They’re going to be dancing the pasodoble.

Sadly, their dance does not involve any cape work, which is the best part of the paso. Once again, it’s very cute and they’re small. It’s weird because you can see miniature versions of a lot of the moves we saw last night. And the paso is usually really sensual, so seeing kids go through the motions is bizarre. It’s a little disturbing, but also cute. These kids tell Tom they want to be famous, and Tom makes a joke about their relationship being all over TMZ, and he alludes to something in the dress rehearsal that will forever be a mystery to us. I kind of hope they’re joking about wanting to be rich and famous. Eight years old is too young to get all mercenary like that.

Bruno is impressed with their dancing and their acting. Carrie Anne is all rainbows and unicorns. Len says it was sharp and precise and “full of passion”. Oh, now the judges have to pick one to move on to the next round. Guys, that’s not going to be good. Why not make kids sad on live TV?

Samantha’s backstage with the kids. That’s a risky move, there. You never know if she’s going to ask a question or just say something insane. Children are enough of a wild card without adding Samantha’s Mad Libs interview style. And really, maybe she should cover up a little bit. She’s going to kick start puberty in the Aarons. Carrie Anne and Bruno pick Aaron and Rashell, with Len as the dissenting vote. Aaron and Daniela smile through it like a pair of little Guttenbergs. That went well, but this is a risky proposition to start eliminating child dancers on live TV. Don’t put Tom in that position, ABC!

Sheryl Crow’s back with another song that I don’t recognize because I only know two of her songs. Her drummer looks just like Bubbles’ sponsor from The Wire, by the way. I realize that in a Venn Diagram of Wire viewers and Dancing with the Stars fans, I am the lone point of overlap, but trust me, that was funny. There are a couple of professional dancers who are not affiliated with the show. Once again, we don’t get to really see them, and the audience occasionally goes nuts. If I wanted to watch Sheryl Crow sing, I’d… I don’t know, actually. That’s probably the kind of thing you can find on the Internet, I guess.

Up in the balcony, where the poorly-dressed audience members are exiled, Tom and Samantha kick off a filler segment about creating the dances for the live music acts. It turns out they get two hours of rehearsal before the day of the show. That has to be kind of nerve-wracking. This leads into a bit about Derek injuring himself in last week’s rehearsals, and that slow-motion footage of his head whipping around just makes me cringe. He really looks like he’s in pain. In all seriousness, that has to be horrifying, thinking some freak injury could end your career. It’d be like if I hurt my… never mind. There is very little I do that couldn’t be accomplished by a brain in a jar.

Hey, does anybody else remember that there are Stars on this show? We haven’t seen them in a while, but now they’re back to find out who’s safe. And it’s Marlee and Fabian! Awesome! Without sounding hokey, I think she’s really inspiring, as well as actually being a good dancer. With Steve and Anna out, that’s where my votes are going.

Samantha’s backstage with Jason and Kristi. Jason’s so much bigger than everybody else there that it looks like a forced perspective trick. Jason and Kristi both agree that the other is fantastic. They’re very nice people, really.

More couples are saved! Cristian is safe! He and Cheryl are very excited. I love Cheryl, but I think she probably hits her partner when they find themselves in the bottom two. Mario is also safe! Nothing real surprising yet, in terms of results.

We’re left with Marissa, Shannon, Priscilla, and Adam. First, they announce that Priscilla and Louis are in the bottom two. There’s a weird silence, like they expected people to react, and they just didn’t. Awkward…. Shannon and Derek are safe. Adam and Julianne are also in the bottom two.

Tom turns to the judges, promising that they’ll have enough time to finish the show last week. Yeah, it did run a bit long last week. I’m not a big fan of the segment where Tom asks each of the judges what they think, because they all say positive things about both contestants. Hilariously, Tom compares Adam to George Hamilton and Jerry Springer, and he says it in such a way that it sounds like a compliment.

Cue the scary music. And the fourth couple to leave the show is… Adam and Julianne. Julianne’s first time being eliminated ever. Poor kid. However, there are certain diminishing returns with Adam. A little is funny, but he just doesn’t quit. Priscilla Presley looks mad about being in the bottom two. Adam is actually sweet to Julianne in his parting words, but he also pimps his movie. He tells us to embrace our fears, our own Dancing with the Stars, as it were. I started to make fun of him, but that’s actually kind of a cool thing to say.

So long Adam. You were funny in small doses. Just imagine how funny you’ll be in no dose at all. I’m sure Kenny Mayne will have you on Dance Center.

We’ll see you next week, when absolutely nobody will mention Adam Carolla’s new movie!

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