Dancing With The Stars

Dancing With the Stars–Results Week 1 (Sep 25)

Previously, on Dancing with the Stars: Twenty-five dances in two nights. Jeffrey Ross was eliminated, to nobody’s surprise. Cloris Leachman went crazy on multiple occasions, various athletes performed solidly, Susan Lucci needs to eat a damn cookie, and Kim Kardashian was boring and dumb. All caught up? I hope so, because we’re headed into our fifth hour of Dancing this week!

At the beginning they project footage of Jeff’s elimination onto the dance floor. Do they usually do that? It seems new and weird, but the sequined eyepatch might be part of the problem there.

Hey, Tom Bergeron! 5-Across, seventeen letters. The clue is “How Dancing with the Stars is broadcast.” LIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEE you say? Thanks!

We start off with a professional dance to “Under Pressure”. I dare you to name me one thing that is not made better with the addition of David Bowie. Alec, Edyta, Derek, Lacey, Tony, and Cheryl all strut out in various states of undress. Actually, all of this season’s pros get into the dance, so feel free to ignore my previous Legionnaire Roll Call. It’s not one of the more spectacular pro dances, but it’s awfully crowded up there. It’s just nice to see some really good dancing right now. But seeing the assembled group reminds me that my TV girlfriend Anna is not participating this season, which makes me sad. The number ends with an ultra-close-up of somebody snapping their fingers. That is a giant hand right there.

An audience member behind Samantha Harris is wearing a distracting polka-dot outfit. Now that I’ve mentioned her, she’s obligated to do something. An audience member introduced in Act One must go off in Act Three.

Tom and Samantha recap last night’s dances. Since I still haven’t recovered from all that typing, I’m not going to do it again. Read yesterday’s recap and meet me back here. The only real highlight of the post-dance interview is Cody Linley talking in a Barry White voice. Oh, also Derek accidentally slaps Brooke Burke while going in for a high-five.

Tom promises a performance from the Jonas Brothers and another from Jesse McCartney. If I were a teenage girl, those names would mean something to me. I feel so out of my element here.

It’s time to save our first two teams. As Tom is talking, Samantha makes porno faces and then starts talking like Elaine Benes. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’m certainly entertained. Brooke and Derek are the first couple to be safe, and they’re plenty happy. Next, Kim and Mark are safe. Aw, crap. Who the heck is voting for Kim? (Sadly, I’m afraid it’s those teenage girls you referenced earlier.–Myndi)

As we go to commercial, Cheryl and Toni Braxton are competing to see who can look the most like the suspense is literally killing them.

Now, we’ve got Jeffrey Ross on stage. Seems that he didn’t get a chance to show us “everything he can do”, and now he and Edyta will perform the dance that they rehearsed for last night. Let the poor guy go home and rest his eye!

Well, their quick step is certainly, um…. I’ve got nothing. It’s a mess. Obviously, he doesn’t give a crap at this point, but he’s not at all in sync with Edyta. Their runs are weird messes, and careful Zaprudering of the dance shows that he actually stepped on Edyta’s foot at least once. I like Jeff, but mostly because he tells hilarious jokes about the sexual proclivities of celebrities. That man’s not a dancer. But props for showing up and trying it. Maybe he’ll get to show up on Dance Center this season.

Samantha chats briefly with the first two couples. Brooke feels the pressure because she has to keep improving, Kim feels the pressure because she’s not very good. And that was the Pressure Minute!

Back to Tom, where he’s taking somebody else off the block. Who can it be? Cloris and Corky! Tom doesn’t seem sure how to take that news. I think he’s going to start asking for hazard pay.

Get ready to squeal girlishly, because Jesse McCartney is here to perform his hit “Leavin’”. He sort of looks like Frankie Muniz in business school, and several people in his band are wearing hilarious sunglasses. A couple of professional dancers perform, but they aren’t regulars on the show so I don’t know who they are. (Um, hello, the girl was Ashley DelGrosso!–Myndi) I was going to say that they’re hot, but it’s not like the regular cast is exactly made up of bridge trolls or anything. By the time the song is over, I’ve forgotten everything about it.

Tom and Samantha kick it to a video segment where Adam Carolla is talking to people on the street about the season premiere. I sure hope Carolla doesn’t become the new Kenny Mayne. I want Kenny Mayne to be the new Kenny Mayne! Adam tries to get a man who he describes as “semi-androgynous” to admit that he’s gay, while black costume Spider-Man walks around behind them. Seriously, I actually thought I was having a stroke at that moment. Adam and a young woman talk about how hot Rocco DiSpirito is, and then he makes fun of Cody, saying he’s “all over (Julianne) like a Wet-Nap”. Then there’s a giant shirtless man who Adam describes as “a witch doctor”. Adam talks to a baby who, awesomely, has his shirt blurred out. Dude, I know you’re six months old, but you can’t show that kind of smut on TV! A young man does not know who Cloris Leachman is. Even better, he doesn’t know who Adam is. Ha!

Who’s next to be safe? Maurice Greene and Cheryl! Yay! Cheryl can breathe again! Come on, Maurice – give us a “winner, winner, chicken dinner”.

Tom plugs David Blaine’s special when we come back from commercial. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Blaine were hanging upside down from the ceiling right there? ABC does like their stars to show up, after all. And now, I’m recapping the Jonas Brothers for the second time in their career.

There are high-pitched screams as the stage goes dark. The Brothers are sitting on the steps with two of them pretending that they play instruments. It looks like Dad Jonas was trying to untangle the Christmas lights, because they’re surrounded by strings of lights. I hope they don’t try to stand up or walk, because that will be a mess.

Apparently, the Jonases have caught the ‘Love Bug” again, a situation that they did not foresee happening again. The middle Jonas, let’s call him Hank, traverses the Christmas lights and hits the dance floor to perform about three steps with Derek and Corky. (Just in case it comes up, I’m calling the various Jonas Brothers Hank, Dean, and Other Hank.) Then the lights come on, and girls freak the hell out because the Brothers stand up! Lacy and Inna join Derek and Corky on the floor and twirl, but nobody’s paying attention because the Jonases are standing! And just like that, it’s over. There are like twenty words in that song. Please tell me we just heard the chorus or something, because there’s no way that’s a real song. (I am here to tell that it’s very real and in constant rotation on Radio Disney.–Myndi)

Please explain this to me. Apparently we, the viewers, get to help design a dance number for later in the season. I don’t know how that works, because by and large, we suck at choreography. Anyway, we as a nation have chosen the jive, and now it’s time to pick the song. On the website , one of the song choices is “Rock Lobster”. Clearly, this is a song that we have to vote for. While we are officially apolitical here, I’m taking a stand on this issue. Vote “Rock Lobster”!

There’s a video segment about how important it is to win this season. We see this every season. It is interesting that they had to learn two dances for the first week, which seems just ridiculously difficult. The contestants trash talk each other, which is sort of funny, but I don’t feel like we’ve spent enough time with them yet. It would be funnier if they saved it for a couple weeks down the line.

Tom and Samantha are going to save two more couples. Misty May-Treanor and Maks are the first ones announced, and they seem happy. Next, it’s Warren Sapp and Kym! Yay! I think I could really get to like Warren, so I’m happy. Right at this moment, I’m disproportionately concerned about Ted McGinley, though.

Samantha talks to some of the safe couples. She asks them what they’re looking forward to, and the general answer is “learning a new dance”. Somebody laughs at Misty from off-camera, and she seems irritated. Hilariously, Warren asks “When do I get some damn sequins?” Cloris says that Maurice is in love with himself, and then she cuts off Corky. Corky makes talky motions with his hands while Cloris goes on. Those two are either great friends or they hate each other.

Tom takes us back to The Steps of Dramatic Tension. Susan and Tony are safe! Rocco and Karina are safe! Well, that’s another week for Susan to gain a third dimension for her body and Rocco to gain a second one for his personality. (That joke was awkwardly worded, and I apologize.)

After a commercial, it’s time for the final four. Julianne is adorable, Toni is panicking, Ted and Lance Bass are grinning. Tom saves Lance and Lacey, Samantha saves Cody and Julianne. It’s down to Ted McGinley and Toni Braxton. Len is surprised that they’re in the bottom two, even though Tom explained at length that while one is definitely the lowest, they aren’t necessarily the bottom two.

Our second couple to be eliminated is Ted and Inna. Crap! I liked him. He wasn’t going to make it far, but he was likeable and funny, and also was on Sports Night back in the good days before Sorkin went all Mary Sue on it. Ted takes it well, though. There’s no time for a final dance, though. Not like the final dance ever really involves dancing, I guess. Mostly just hugging.

Next week, it’s the Rumba and the Paso Doble! You know what that means – Capes! Awesome! And remember, vote “Rock Lobster”!

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