Dancing With The Stars

Dancing With the Stars: Results Week 4 (Oct 15)

Big thanks to Myndi for covering the Dancing shift while I was gone. Carrie Ann gave her an 8 because she did a lift, Len liked her sense of fun and was impressed at her footwork and gave her a 10, and Bruno (for some reason) compared her to an ocelot, and also gave her a 10. That’s a 28, but she still needs your votes.
Before we start, I’d like to give a shout-out to the Flint Urban Walkers, who I met on vacation and who know a thing or two about dancing themselves. Some of them tried to spread stories about my own cider-fueled footwork, but there is no truth to that particular rumor.

Hey, Tom Bergeron! I’m writing a poem, and I need a rhyme for “Fiiiiiiiiiive!” Any suggestions? Oh, yeah! LIIIIIIIIIVE!

Samantha Harris, who looks great tonight and is not repeating the hair style that upset me so much last night, tells us that we have a performance by Ne-Yo (who until I read Myndi’s recap, I thought was “Neo”, and I assumed it was a Matrix reference) and the world’s sexiest Flamenco troupe. I can’t even begin to explain why that cracks me up, but it does.

Tom reminds us that last week’s scores and votes carry over to this week, and this week, they’ll actually be revealing the bottom two. A quick montage from last night makes everybody look like they’re insane. Lance Bass’ eyeliner is freaking me out. Cloris did a respectable tango, but still threw off Samantha pretty severely. They gush over Susan Lucci’s tango again, and I’m not feeling it. Damn. What is up with Susan’s cleavage? It’s like they’re making space for a third breast. Toni Braxton did a fine job and got Bruno all whipped up. Cody Linley impressed everybody but me, his spaz act has worn too thin. Although I do like the new footage where he and Julianne attempt the single whitest rap ever. There’s a reason you don’t see more Mormons in hip-hop. Brooke Burke’s samba was, um, I can’t even tell. I’m distracted by the outfit. I need to lie down. The judges were disappointed with Warren Sapp, but I still like him. They also didn’t care for Maurice Greene, but I also like him and he and Cheryl are endearingly dorky together. Rocco Dispirito was a pink frilly mess.

After the recap, Tom claims he has a bone to pick with Len, and I’m interested to see what he’s talking about. He’s upset that Brooke says she’s going to cover up next week, since Len said she was too raunchy. (By the way, “Brooke Burka”? Ha!) Tom and I agree on so many things. He’s the anti-Probst!

The judges have picked Lance and Lacy’s tango as the encore dance. Thankfully, Lance has toned down the smoky eye this time around. It is a cool dance, but I’d be hard-pressed to call it my favorite of the night. The “neck snap” at the end creeps me out, actually. People who look famous applaud, but I can’t immediately identify them.

This leads into a bit about negative campaign ads. It’s actually kind of funny, especially since it ends with Julianne calling Cody a wuss, and then the announcer intones “Cody Linley is a Baby”, and then we get “I’m Brooke Burke, and I approve this message.” OK, that was pretty good.

Oh, joy. The animatronic ballroom kids are back! It’s a fine line between adorable and spooky, and we’re headed for that line. I am also disappointed to see that the sexy Flamenco troupe is made up entirely of dudes. That should be some comfortable recapping.

The next ad slams Rocco with the tagline “Never Trust a Skinny Chef”. Ha! And Warren Sapp approves!

Samantha is backstage with Maurice, Cody, and their respective partners. She’s talking to them about how it feels to not know if they’re safe. Guess what? They don’t like how that feels! Also, Samantha says that Cody is tied with Rocco and Cloris, which is not correct. He’s tied with Maurice and Toni. Oh, Samantha.

OK, time for Los Vivancos, the all-beefcake Flamenco troupe. (All brothers, too.) Actually, I don’t get Flamenco. Sometimes, they seem to be going all Riverdance on us, and the rest of the time it’s just posing. Like the impressive part is that they’re doing things in unison and they look serious. Then they take off their shirts, and the moves become a little more intricate. Man, the last time this many six-packs were on my TV, I was watching Strange Brew! (I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny, and I should be ashamed.) It picks up in intensity quite a bit, and by the end, it’s actually kind of cool. I still don’t get Flamenco, though.

Tom and Sam give us the totals for everybody. Rocco (Who promises to show us his musical bone, and I do not approve of that one bit.) and Cloris are at the bottom. Maurice, Toni, and Cody are tied at the next tier. Cody does yet another lame joke about being a man and not a boy. Kid, get some new material. Also, if you use the term “Wonder Boy”, you had best be following with a Tenacious D reference. Susan is 4th from the top. Warren’s third with a total score of 47 for two weeks, delighting JJ Abrams fans everywhere. Lance and Lacy are one point ahead, and Brooke is at the top of the heap.

Time to reveal some results! Our couples are gathered on the Stairs of Trepidation, awaiting their fate. Susan and Tony, you are safe! Lance and Lacy, you are similarly safe! Rocco and Karina, to nobody’s surprise, are in the bottom two.

Hey, question for you all – How do people feel about Karina? I feel like Cheryl and Julianne are the most popular female pros, with Edyta close behind. (Except in my heart, where Anna reigns supreme.) It seems like nobody ever talks about Karina, though.

Another ad. “Brooke Burke is pretty. Brooke Burke is a good dancer. Don’t you just hate her? It’s time to say no to hot chicks who can dance. Paid for by the rest of the cast.” Ha! That was funny! Myndi’s totally going to rip on me for this, but I am terribly amused by the campaign ads.  (That’s where you’re wrong, my friend.  I thought this was one of most clever ideas they’ve ever had on this show–Myndi)

And now Maurice gets an ad. “Can anyone always be that happy?” Lance Bass approves. Cute. Not as funny as the last one, but not bad.

Time for the Dancing Kids! First up are Mitchell and Jessica, 11 and 10 years old respectively. They’ve known each other all their lives, which isn’t really that long. They yell to each other from their balconies, which is pretty adorable. Mitchell golfs and Jessica sews. Mitchell says Jessica has a really pretty smile, and then asks that they not show that part on TV. Awww. Now they’re dancing on the beach in the sunset. Finally, they pinky-swear that this will be the best cha-cha ever. OK, they pushed the cuteness too far with that last one. I no longer believe these are actual human beings. All right, bring on the Robo-Kids.

As I said last year, it’s almost impossible to write about kids who are ballroom dancing. They’re freaky good, but it’s hard to say anything substantive about it. By the way, they’re dancing to Smash Mouth’s “All Star”. Mitchell was two years old when that song was popular.

Tom, of course, really clicks with these kids. He tells Jessica that his daughter’s name is Jessica, and (long pause) “I once knew a guy named Mitchell.” Hee. Len asks Mitchell how often he practices, and the poor kid is terrified when he says “Three times a week”. Luckily, Len responds with an enthusiastic “It shows!” Bruno thinks they’re cheeky, and tells Jessica her lines are better than Jessica Alba’s. Wait, is she known for dancing? I’m confused. Bruno, tell me you were not going for a Sin City reference there. Carrie Ann asks if Jessica designed the costumes, and she did. The judges love them.

Nest up are Kirill and Hanna, and Kirill looks exactly like Mitchell. I told you, they’re robots! And they’re 11 and 10, just like the other pair! They’re freakishly poised as they talk about how great the other is. They have a bunch of medals – I assume they’re for dancing, but they might be Mathletes too.

They’re dancing the samba, and again, it’s freaky. Kids that age shouldn’t move with that kind of precision. They should be, I don’t know, chasing crickets and smashing Tonka trucks with rocks.

Carrie Ann is impressed with their sophistication. Len loved the way they worked their bums, which doesn’t come off quite as creepy as it sounds. Bruno gushes about their performance, and points out that they’re “very little”. Hee. But, you know, what are they going to say? It’s not like Len’s going to bust them for their heel-leads.

Fake ad! This one counts up what Cloris has cost the production in bribes, stolen supplies, and delaying live TV for 2 minutes ($37,462 on that one). This one is paid for by “The Dancing with the Stars Accounting Department”.

Next, Lance Bass is called out in an ad with a montage of twitchy behavior and the slogan “Lance Bass is probably crazy”, and Toni Braxton approves. You know what, it was the “probably” that made that one funny. Good wording, fake ad writers!

Tom is also amused by “probably”, because we’re BFF. He kicks it to Samantha, who’s interviewing kids. Mitchell wants to be a heart surgeon, Jessica wants to be a DWTS pro, so she can have minute fluctuations in her weight scrutinized by douchebags. (I might have added that last part.) Asked for their favorite performers, Hanna says “all of them” and Kirill picks Derek. Probably because they’re the same size.

As always, it’s a 2-1 split, to minimize hurt feelings, but Carrie Ann and Bruno both pick Kirill and Hanna. Mitchell and Jessica take it like champs, and then they all head back to their docking stations for recharging.

Time for Ne-Yo! This song’s not doing much for me, really. Mostly he sings the phrase “I just can’t stop” about a hundred times. I don’t catch much in the way of pop music these days, but the performances this season have me convinced that all hit songs right now are recitations of a single phrase for about two minutes. Is this true? There are four male and four female dancers, but I can’t tell for sure if any of them are our pros. They don’t seem to be, as they’re mostly mirroring Ne-Yo’s movements. Oh, Lord. All the men have pimp canes. Can we please move past the obsession with pimp iconography? It was funny for a while, but that time has passed. The people taking it seriously, as Ne-Yo seems to, are even worse.

Toni Braxton ad! This one’s a less funny version of Brooke’s ad, claiming that she’s won enough. It’s saved by a scene of her recounting her accomplishments while the captions read “Blah, Blah, Blah…” Rocco approves this ad.

I started recapping an actual campaign ad for a second there – I wasn’t getting the joke, since it hinged pretty heavily on a discussion of health care. It turned out, they weren’t leading up to a joke about Warren Sapp.

Tom and Samantha remind us that next week they’re adding the jitterbug, the Hustle, West Coast Swing, and salsa to the competition for the first time. That should be… interesting. I really didn’t know there was more than one way to do the Hustle, but I am pleased that next week’s performance show will give me the chance to bust out some Futurama references. Len explains what they’ll be looking for next week, but he doesn’t get into any specifics. Any chance Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo will demonstrate next week?

Susan Lucci gets a fake ad, where they recount Erica Kane’s various crimes (including “Killed a grizzly bear” and “Joined a traveling circus”) and show an old clip from All My Children where she declares “I am a filthy beast!” Hee. Approved by Cloris Leachman, who actually manages to stick to the script.

The two safe couples are backstage with Samantha. Remember when they were saved? That was, like, forty minutes ago now. My hair was shorter then. Susan Lucci declares that she is a filthy beast, making me laugh for the first time ever. Dear Lord, I can see her entire skeletal system through her skin. She needs a cake injection, STAT! Lance is happy that he tied Brooke for the first time. Samantha looks forward to “hopefully” seeing him on Monday. Samantha, he’s safe, remember? Is there some kind of fatwa against Lance that makes the odds of him surviving until Monday unlikely?

And now, it’s time to bring some actual results to the results show. Brooke and Derek, contain your surprise, are safe. Cody and Julianne are also safe. Toni and Alec are safe, too! Warren and Kym are safe. Finally, Maurice and Cheryl are safe, leaving Cloris and Corky in the bottom two.

Warren’s ad accuses him of being a skinny guy in a fat suit, and it’s endorsed by “Erica Kane”. Think Lucci sometimes signs her checks that way? (Dude, do you think she’s actually signed a check in the last 20 years?–Myndi)

And now, it’s time to eliminate one couple. After a long pause, Rocco and Karina are eliminated! Not much of a surprise, what with them scheduled to be eliminated last week and then following up with a crappy dance. Rocco is happy about his experience, and is actually very gracious. He asks Bruno to show him how to move his hips properly, and damned if Bruno doesn’t get down there and do it. Harlan Ellison (or possibly Rocco’s mother) sits in the audience and looks very proud of him.

Farewell, Rocco! You’ve irritated me on a number of reality shows, but I don’t think you’re a bad guy. At least, not the way that your investors do. Good luck going back to… cooking? You’re a chef? Why didn’t you mention that once or a thousand times?

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