Dancing with the Stars: Results, Week 9
Our musical guest this week is Jamie Cullum, and in keeping with tradition, I’ve never heard of him. He sings “I Get a Kick out of You”, and it’s hard to go wrong with Sinatra, you know? He moves around a lot while playing the piano, which has me worried that he’s going to fall over. Also, he appears to be about 12 years old.
Next up, one of my favorite parts of the season: DanceCenter! Kenny Mayne is back to break down the Final Five. Kenny is joined by Jerry Rice and Len Goodman, as ever. Now, you need to understand that Kenny is wearing a pink sparkly shirt, and over his right eye is a cluster of either glittery makeup or rhinestones. Either way, it’s in a pattern that suggest that perhaps a Predator has targeted him from offscreen. Jerry is wearing only a sequined vest and bowtie, and Len is Len.
First up is Ty Murray, and his stats include the notes “Made of wood”, and gives his height as “7’8” (on bull)” and shoe size as “Boot”. Holy crap you guys, I love Kenny Mayne. Kenny says he’s happy that the show is “finally rewarding poor dancing”, and Len cringes noticeably. Kenny and Jerry argue over whether it’s possible to give 110%. Kenny also refers to Steve Wozniak as “the big giant guy who invented computers”. Len concedes that Ty can be a little wooden, and then they show footage of Ty dancing, only they’ve added sound effects and glowing red eyes, which prompts Jerry’s hilarious response “Ahh! He’s a robot sent to destroy mankind!” Ha!
Next, it’s Lil’ Kim. Her notes tell us that she “owns 800 wigs”, and her height, weight, and shoe size are all given as “Lil’”. Hey, did you know she and Ty both have the same all-time high score of 28? That’s very surprising to me. Kenny cuts off Len, and then asks Jerry if he noticed Len’s been “the pisspot of the show”, and shows altered footage of Bruno and Carrie Ann holding up “10” paddles and Len holding a “4”. They talk about Kim working her “asset”, and then Len inadvertently quotes Ali G. I wish they had DanceCenter every week! I’m thinking they told Kenny to stay away from prison references, but it’s still awesome.
For Shawn Johnson, we learn that her height is “Liller than Lil’ Kim”. Kenny cuts off Len again, and tells him that he’s never cared what Len has to say. They make fun of Mark Ballas’ weird facial expressions, and then they show footage of chipmunks mating (or something?) and claim it’s rehearsal footage. He’ll be back with Gilles and Melissa later, and I can’t wait!
Time to save our first semi-finalists! It’s Gilles and Cheryl, and the crowd goes wild! I’m happy, but it’s not like I’m surprised. And just like that, we’re back to DanceCenter.
According to Melissa’s notes, she “got dumped on national TV”, and her height and shoe size are “pretty”. Kenny talks about the embarrassment she had to suffer because “one fool treated her so badly”. Cut to… Tony! Ha! Kenny X’s out Tony’s head on the Telestrator. Len says that Tony’s a gentleman, and they cut to a rehearsal move where Melissa comes up clutching at her ribs, and Tony is laughing. Clearly, he doesn’t actually know what’s going on at this point, but it’s pretty hilarious. Jerry calls him a bully, and Kenny agrees that men are pigs.
Finally, it’s Gilles Marini. He “will get naked at the drop of a hat” and is the “sexiest man ever”. Also, his height is “185.4 cm” and is shoe size is “41”. Ah, Europe. Will you never learn? Kenny complains about the French, and Len cites their contributions, including the phrase cul de sac. Kenny: “Cul de sac is another word for dead end”. Hee. (Also, as Rory Gilmore would remind us, its correct plural is culs de sac.) Kenny claims that Gilles is prostituting himself by taking off his shirt all the time, and frankly “he doesn’t have that great a body”. Cut to the three of them sitting there shirtless. Kenny is alarmingly pale, and Len has much hairier arms than you’d expect. And Len’s gold chains and cobra tattoo? Priceless! Kenny takes a second to plug Tom Bergeron’s new book. You know, I have a birthday coming up…
The Macy’s Stars of Dance performance involves people who are apparently not famous enough to be named individually, but they’re dancing in and around a giant star. It’s a weird combination of ballet and a jungle gym, but I kind of like it.
After a break, it’s time for the first round of the Pro Dance competition. First up are Afton del Grosso and Cody Linley. Cody compares her to Julianne, because he has a total crush and he compares everybody he meets to Julianne. Apparently his Hannah Montana schedule is cutting into practice time. They will be dancing the Samba. Cody’s surprisingly good – it sure doesn’t seem like it’s been a whole season since he hit the floor. There are a couple of awkward holds, but it’s really nice and lets her show off as a dancer and choreographer. The judges like her and think she did excellent work with Cody. She’s totally winning this thing.
Now, time to name another semi-finalist. Melissa and Tony are safe. Again, this should not have anybody’s monocle popping out in surprise.
Our next pro is Mayo who’s dancing with Lisa Rinna. She’s a little crazy, in case you didn’t know. While she hasn’t been on the show in a long time, she’s pretty active on the tour, so she’s probably going to be pretty easy to teach. There’s a pretty big height difference between the two of them, and Lisa makes a weird joke that I don’t get. They’re dancing the Quickstep to Fry’s favorite song, “Walking on Sunshine”. The Futurama fans in the audience are ecstatic, I can tell you. They do a nice job, but it looks like every Quickstep I’ve ever seen. This is not a dance that lets people distinguish themselves. Overall it’s good, and it’s something that measures up pretty well against what we usually see on the show. Tom makes a joke about Lisa’s Playboy appearance. Myndi mentioned that yesterday, too. I feel out of the loop. Did I miss something? Lisa’s got the crazy eyes tonight. The judges like him, but they feel like he didn’t rein Lisa in quite enough.
Finally, it’s Other Anna and Maurice Greene. I have nothing against her, but she can’t win because then she’s competing with Real Anna for screentime. This show’s like Lost – they don’t want two people with the same first name. They are doing the Tango, which Maurice never did on the show. Apparently, he got to choose his dance. Maurice says she tries to be strict “but she’s no Cheryl”. Hee! I liked Maurice a lot last season, so it’s good to see him again. It’s pretty good, with a misstep or two on his part. Unfortunately for Other Anna, this is not a dance where it’s easy for the woman to show off. Regardless, the judges really like it, and Len thinks she’s the one who brought the most out of her celebrity.
More results! Shawn and Mark are safe, which means the people that everybody has picked for the top three are in the top four. Ty and Kim are on the block now. We hear about how Kim is a consistent high-scorer and Ty is the most improved. The music gets all dramatic, and in an actual shocker, Lil’ Kim and Derek Hough are eliminated. Wow! The audience actually boos that decision, and I’m pretty floored. Kim is flustered, and even Tom is thrown off. Derek is very complimentary and nice, which I’m sure you’d never expect from one of those Hough kids, right?
So, did anybody have Ty in the semi-finals? I mean, this isn’t Marie Osmond in the finals or anything, but that’s pretty unexpected. Join us next week for the semi-finals!
