Dancing with the Stars: Results, Week Five
As soon as the dance is over, Tom and Samantha start talking. In fact, Derek and Kim are still hanging out on stage, like they’re not sure where to go. Boy, they must have a jam-packed episode without any filler tonight, right? Right?
They recap last night in a less hilarious manner than Myndi, and I am reminded that there was surprisingly little cape work in an episode bringing us the paso doble. That’s my favorite dance, and it’s partly because of the capes. Sigh. At least David Alan Grier gets a good line about how the judges treat him like “an old wet food stamp”. Ha! They talk at length about how Melissa Rycroft tore her dress during her dance, and they show the moment in question in such dramatic slow motion that I fear her torn dress will murder my entire family. I’m going to go lock the door now.
Time to reveal the first two couple who are safe! Shawn Johnson and Mark are safe. Yay! Li’l Kim and Derek are also safe! Well, those two were gimmes, really. Let’s just get Gilles and Melissa out of there so we can determine who’s doing the dance-off with Steve-O, OK?
Commercials. Oh, Jennifer Garner, what are you doing making movies with Matthew McConaughey? Especially a movie that appears to be the man-slut version of A Christmas Carol? Call JJ Abrams – he’ll find something for you!
Harold Perrineau is in the audience, and coincidentally, has a new ABC show premiering tomorrow! As much as his whiny man-baby act in the press disgusted me last year, the fact is that the guy was on Lost and Oz, two of my favorite shows ever. I just can’t stay mad at him. Although, maybe be careful about who you call a racist next time. I’m just saying…
Time for a musical number from the one and only Etta James! She’s sitting in what appears to be a chair from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and if it turns out that she’s sick and that chair is what’s keeping her alive, I’ll feel like a very bad person. She sounds all kinds of fantastic, and Maks and Karina work their engagement magic all across the floor. It’s a good performance, although too short, as always. It’s good enough to make you forget that she called our President “the one with the big ears”. She also threatened to whip Beyonce’s ass, but I’m not too worried. Frankly, if Etta James can take you in a fight, you have bigger problems going on there.
Afterwards, Samantha talks to the not-yet safe Ty Murray and Chelsie, as well as Steve-O and Lacey. Ty talks about being a tiny dancer, and I feel like I walked in on the last half of a running joke. Steve-O says that his dad told him that he needed a 12% edge in the voting to stay in, and everybody acts like this is hilarious because… math is funny? I don’t know. In other news, Steve-O has a dad? I sort of assumed that he was just a clipping of the original Steve-O that blossomed.
Back for more results, which Tom assures us are in a “blatantly non-particular fashion”. Ha! Gilles and Cheryl are safe, which is not surprising. What is surprising is that Steve-O and Lacey are also safe! Really? How is this happening? Do they need another double elimination to shake this guy?
After the commercial, it’s time to save two more couples. Chuck and Julianne are safe, and Tom says “It’s been a good week for her”. Did something happen that I didn’t hear about? Did she sell a screenplay or something? Anyway, Melissa and Tony are also safe. This leaves us with Ty and Chelsie, David and Kym, and Lawrence and Edyta. I’d miss Ty the least, since I consistently forget that he’s on the show.
There’s a filler piece about how everybody’s lives have changed since the season began. It turns out, most of their lives have changed because now they’re practicing dancing and appearing on TV. That’s what we call a no-brainer. Steve-O mentions rehab for the millionth time, and there’s a funny montage of Cheryl insulting Gilles. “You’re weak!” Cheryl would make a great Cobra Kai, if it came to that. (Sweep the leg, Gilles! Finish him!–Myndi)
Hey, this looks cool. The dance troupe from a stage show at the Wynn are performing, and it’s kind of awesome. There are guys in togas doing tumbling moves, and dancers tossing each other through the air. Some of these guys are seriously flying about twenty feet. Wow, I really liked that. I think dancing needs more synchronized tumbling and midair flips. Get on that, Shawn Johnson!
And now, because I always get the episodes with Disney Channel stars who I’ve never heard of before (There’s a Jonas Brother named Hank, right?), Demi Lovato has a musical number. This is seriously a name that I’ve never heard before in my life. I looked her up on Wikipedia, and I’ve never heard of any of the projects she’s been involved in. I can’t connect her to anything in my actual experience. Her song also hates my ears. Is this a thing that people listen to? Myndi? Am I being punked? (She was in a Disney movie with The Jonas Brothers, “Camp Rock”. Now she has her own show on Disney Channel. Nancy McKeon plays her mom. I’m waiting for the episode where she fixes someone’s motorcycle.–Myndi)
Tom plugs Demi’s summer tour, and he doesn’t know who she is any better than I do. When did I become a hundred years old? Am I going to start relating to Len now? Get off my lawn!
Samantha talks to Julianne and Chuck, and asks about their “homefield advantage” when it comes to steamy dances. Creepy. Good thing Julianne’s brother is totally not even paying attention. I think Li’l Kim is explaining the Buddha board reference to him. Also, Samatha asks Chuck to “scream like Carrie Ann”, and this guy is just the death of fun. Everything is ten times less funny when you involve Chuck.
Time to give us our Bottom Two! Ty and Chelsie are safe, which means we’re going to lose somebody I kind of like. David and Kym vs. Lawrence and Edyta. Aww, there are so many people I don’t care about to get rid of yet!
First up, David and Kym reprise their Viennese Waltz. Kym spends so much time with those fans that I sort of get Len’s point about how she and David didn’t really connect. The first thirty seconds or so, they barely even interact. It’s a decent dance, but it doesn’t even feel like a waltz to me. It’s actually more precise than we’ve come to expect from DAG.
Len thought it was an improvement, and he liked it last time. Bruno says he’s better under pressure, and he should be in the Dance-off every week. This time, Carrie Ann felt the connection. Well, things bode well for David. The judges dole out three 8’s for a 24. Hey, that’s not bad at all.
Next up, it’s Lawrence and Edyta. Lawrence is still a little clumpy, and to me it looks like he biffs some footwork and a hold right off the bat. And boy, does he ever look angry when he dances. He just isn’t smooth and his footwork is heavy. I like him, and he’s not bad as such, but he tends to plod.
All three judges give vague criticism about how tough the music was. They’re basically supportive, but they hardly say a word about his dancing. Carrie Ann scores a 6, and the men give 7’s, which means they have a 20, the same score as last night. Uh oh.
Commercials. Hey, you know what show’s not very good? Cupid.
The Red Lights of Doom come up, and somebody has danced their last. Without ado, further or otherwise, and David and Kym are eliminated. Wow. They must have not been pulling in votes to get eliminated on a 24. David is quite clearly crushed, and I feel terrible for him. I like him, and it’s too bad. Poor guy.
See you next week for the Rumba and/or Jive! Oh joy, the freaking Jive. I get a night of trying to recap dances without using the word “spaz”. See you then!
