Dancing with the Stars – Season 9, Performance Week 2
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff (27) – Seriously, a green tuxedo.Aaron is feeling stressed out, and says that Karina is mean.She seems quite frustrated with his mouthiness.He goes off to sit in the corner, because he’s emo like that.
Something weird is happening, because when they announce the Quickstep, we see the band, and we hear Harold Wheeler count off the beginning.Suddenly, there’s crazy-ass drumming and Animal is above the stage, pounding some skins!You guys, I love the Muppets so much, this isn’t even fair.I can’t possibly have an opinion about a dance that Muppets are involved with, because I’m going to be giggling and pointing excitedly.
Oh man, now they’re dancing to the Muppet Show theme!They start out in a weird blocky stance that fits the music pretty well.It’s a really good dance, viewed objectively.Lively, great footwork, and very much in touch with the music.And holy crap, Frank Oz is actually doing Gonzo’s part of the song!And at the end, Gonzo shows up behind the judge’s table and blows his trumpet in Bruno’s face!This is awesome!
You know, Bruno is totally the real-life version of Gonzo.Bruno thinks it was spectacular.Baz thinks it was clever and inventive, and Carrie Ann loved their holds and thought it was fantastic.I’m glad the judges liked it, because I was so excited by the Muppets that I really wouldn’t have been able to tell either way.
He gets 9’s across the board for a 27 in Week Two!How often has that happened?(And yes, I know of at least one spunky-reader who will know the answer to that one.)
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin (27) – They do a bit about Mya being mad at Dmitry for her scores last week, and she knees him in the groin.Clearly, they think they’re on Tom’s other show.They discuss whether or not to work Mya’s tap training into the routine.She’s not in favor of it, though.
They’re doing the Jive, and Dmitry’s dressed like a nerd.He’s stealing Mark’s shtick!This is kind of good, though I’m no Jive fan.It’s very flapper-inspired, but it seems choreographed enough that it’s not totally out in Jive-land.There’s a precision that you don’t see in Jives usually.Also, Shawn Johnson is in the audience, and she seems to like it.I trust her opinion.
Baz says she’s “the real deal” and that she wasn’t “overpowered by the dance”.Carrie Ann says Len would have hated the beginning, but she didn’t.Bruno loved it and pounds the desk to prove his point.He’s like Khrushchev in that way.She gets three 9’s for a 27.Hey, good job!Two 27’s in Week Two.That has to be a first, I bet.
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson – Wow, there’s a lot of footage of Donny tripping in rehearsal.This does not bode well.Kym tries to get around calling him old, but it’s unavoidable.Hee.
Jive time!Their song is “Secret Agent Man”, for which I have a bizarre affection.They do a really good job of staying in step with one another, and at one point, Kym drags him across the floor.It was nice and energetic, and really quite fun to watch.It’s got a veneer of cheesiness that Donny’s never going to shake, though.(Wait a second, was he doing the Batusi for a second there?)Of course, that works for a Jive.
Bruno thought the dance was well-executed and “very good”.Baz calls his dance “accurate”, and then compliments him for being old.Carrie Ann says it was fantastic and then compliments Kym’s outfit.I am enjoying her outfit too, but probably for very different reasons that Carrie Ann.He gets 8’s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and a 9 from Baz for a solid 25.
Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo (21) – They’re doing the Quickstep this week, and Natalie has problems remembering to breathe.There’s seriously a montage of Alec reminding her to breathe.Don’t worry, Natalie.Spongebob’s friend Patrick has the same problem!
Their Quickstep isn’t as quick as I’d like, actually.She does a good job of keeping up, but her feet go all crazy during some of the runs.For the most part, it’s nice – she has a couple of really clean kicks.I wish it would have been faster and a little less mushy, but it’s not bad by any means.
Bruno feels an “incredible buzz” in the room, which Baz tooks as a pun on his name.He thinks she needs to relax and has issues with her core and her breathing.Baz admired her work, but she thinks too much.Carrie Ann wants her to think of Alec as an extension of herself.That seems like weird advice.
Samantha asks if there’s a greater sense of competition now, and it’s probably too early for that question since they’re one week in.She gets 7 across the board for a total of 21.
Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (21) – They are not getting along in practice, with Debi breaking down when Maks yells at her.They make up, but Maks kind of looks over it.I’m thinking he’s already writing this season off.
Their dance is the Tango, and they shave some nice intensity.Unfortunately, their song is a tango version of “Roxanne”, which cracks me up.I generally thing Tangos look good, and this is certainly well-done, though it’s pretty clear that Maks is just driving her around the floor.Also, it turns out this version of “Roxanne” was in Moulin Rouge, which I wouldn’t know.Because I’m a dude.
Baz liked the dance but doesn’t have much to say.Carrie Ann thinks she “worked it”.Bruno calls her “a feisty ball-breaker”.She gets 7’s across the board for a 21.
Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer (21) – Sensei Ping pretends to be excited about the Quickstep, because he has never heard of it before.He’s overwhelmed at learning the dance in four days.But he decides that he can do it.Man, some people just don’t have exciting practice footage.
Mark starts the dance by vaulting over Lacey’s head.They’re the first couple tonight who does those little hops that I always associate with the Quickstep, so that makes me happy.Mark has a pretty noticeable slip early on, but he recovers quickly.There’s not a lot of flash, but it’s definitely solid, and toward the end he pulls off some nice extensions.I think it’s hard for him to rein in his desire to jump and kick, though.I really liked this dance, and it looked most like my idea of a Quickstep out of all of them.
Bruno thought he made some mistakes but is a great performer.Baz admires the way he recovered and thinks he could be great.Carrie Ann likes his precision, but he needs to breathe better.Even with the stumble, he gets 7’s across the board for a 21.
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough (20) – Oh cripes, they’re dancing the Jive.I don’t get the Jive.I say this every season, but you know how Len always talks about “the character of the dance”?In the case of the Jive, the characters are two spazzy hobos who are happy that they found a nickel.Joanna keeps running out of breath during practice.Aw man, another fainter?
Their song is “What I Like About You”, and this is a fairly complicated, high energy performance.Their holds are really good, but Joanna keeps up well when they’re out of hold.Like I said, Jive steps aren’t necessarily pleasing to watch for me, but I think they’re doing a really good job here.It’s better than a lot of late-season Jives we’ve seen in recent years, at least.
Carrie Ann likes her “gusto”, but thought her feet were spastic.Bruno pervs out on her to the extent that Tom is a little shocked.Baz wishes they’d connect more.I’m not sure Jive is the medium for that, but nobody asked me.Backstage, Joanna insists that she had fun but she isn’t good at having emotions.Carrie Ann scores her a 6, while the guys each give her 7’s, for a total of 20.
Michael Irvin and New Anna (20) – He was near the bottom last week, though a survey of people I know put him much higher than that.New Anna apologizes for letting him down, and since the judges didn’t like her choreography, that might be warranted.Their practice seems to go well, so here’s hoping!
They’re doing the Quickstep, and it’s clear that New Anna is, well, new.The dance is a little slow, and while Cheryl or Edyta would come up with some fireworks to disguise that fact, she doesn’t.They end up with what looks like a slowed-down Quickstep.I like his energy, and his footwork is solid – he’s hitting the steps just fine.It was fun to watch and the guy’s got personality for days.If his feet just moved a little faster, we’d have something here.
Bruno is impressed that Michael delivered content and “a proper Quickstep”.He admires Michael’s improvement.Baz thinks he’s a “natural perfomer” and talks more about Michael’s tongue than his footwork.He gets 7’s from Carrie Ann and Baz, while Bruno angers the audience with a 6.That’s a 20, a seven-point improvement over last week!Yay!
Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya (19) – Chuck and Anna have matching Darth Maul makeup on their right temples.Just so you know.They make much of Len’s exhortation to get in touch with his feminine side, but Anna says he doesn’t have to, because Len’s gone this week.Love her!She wants him to work some fighting moves into his Tango.This will either be gorgeous or insane.
Their song is “Seven Nation Army”, which sounds surprisingly good in this context.I may be alone here but I’m really liking this.There’s this real aggression to it, which might turn out to be the one thing Chuck can do.And Anna’s always good with aggressive moves, too.It’s not classic by any means, but I think it’s really striking, and I liked it a lot.
Baz thinks Len would hate this dance, but he loved it.Carrie Ann was frightened and really loved the “impact” of it.Bruno calls it “savage” and is impressed with how much work he put into it.Bruno actually asks the audience to vote for him, which I don’t remember ever happening before.Then Samantha reminds us that Len did the same for Macy last week, and apparently my short-term memory is long gone.
Carrie Ann and Bruno give him 6’s, and Baz splits the uprights with a 7, for a perfectly respectable 19.Way to go, Chuck!
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas (19) – You know what?I don’t remember anything about her dance from last week.This week, she and Mark spend most of their practice time giggling.They’re doing a Jive, and they’re wearing polka dots.I don’t know what’s going on anymore.
Mark starts off by vaulting over her and then tossing Melissa around.At one point, they rub their noses together.Melissa’s got some good moves, but she’s also got some incredibly awkward moves.And sometimes they follow one another in quick sequence.She’ll have a really nice arm extension that suddenly turns into a windmill.It looks to me like she was a little behind Mark for most of the dance, too.
Carrie Ann liked her a lot better than last week.Bruno thinks her footwork sometimes “fell to pieces”.Baz announces that he’s going to be “super encouraging”, and it was “terrific”, even though he thought the footwork wasn’t that good.Hee.Carrie Ann scores her a 7, while the men bust out the 6’s, for a 19.
Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower (19) – I really didn’t like him last week, by the way.Louie talks about kissing Chelsie’s mom.I don’t know.
When they start their Jive, Louie is wearing a leather jacket with a hood.Drawing attention from the hair?This seems more like a Freestyle than a Jive, with Louie doing the splits and jolting around.I think it’s pretty decently choreographed, in terms of playing to his strengths, but I’m not sure that it’s a Jive.Len would hate it.
Carrie Ann loves his “joy”, but thinks he lost touch with the music.Bruno thinks he has talent but that there was too much “mucking about”.He’s channeling Len!Bax didn’t like his outfit, but things that the dance was “tremendous”, even though he agrees with the others in terms of content and musicality.Baz Luhrmann loves everything, even things he doesn’t like!The two real judges give him a 6, while Baz throws in a 7 for another 19.
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel (19) – Kelly’s feeling the pressure after being awesome last week.She’s actually really stressed out.That’s why I never do well at anything – there’s never any pressure to live up to my past glories.
They come out for their Tango, and this is another one that plays to Kelly’s strengths.Those two move very well together.It certainly doesn’t have the emotional content of last week, but it’s a really good-looking Tango.It looks like she apologizes to Louis at the end, but I’m not sure for what.
Baz is really proud of her, but keeps mentioning that there were mistakes.Carrie Ann thinks she’s really building her technique, but doesn’t like when she broke character.Bruno thought it was uneven and that she couldn’t recover from her mistakes.I didn’t really note these mistakes, but I’m not all that observant.She gets 6’s on either side and a 7 from Baz for a 19.That’s really surprising to me.
Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani (18) – Kathy describes the Results Show as “gnarly”, and when was the last time you heard that used in earnest?Remember when her voice used to be all squeaky?I’m sort of disappointed that it isn’t anymore.Sorry, not a lot happened in their practice footage, so I’m vamping for time.
Isn’t it weird how Tony looks like a toreador, no matter what he wears.It’s a Quickstep, and there’s something about it that’s very prim.Even when the pace picks up, it’s like they’re dancing inside a music box or something.I can’t really pick on something specific that I didn’t like, but it just seems really detached.
Carrie Ann thinks the holds weren’t tight enough, and that it didn’t stand out.Bruno agrees that they were just too far apart for a Quickstep.Baz thought it was elegant, but lacked excitement.They give her the Score of the Beast, three 6’s for a total of 18.And Armageddon!
Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke (18) – OK, his presence on the show will be worth it if Stephen Colbert makes fun of him for another week.In the practice footage, Cheryl is wearing her most painted-on smile.She’s not loving this.Tom has to go to the doctor for foot pain, and it turns out he has a pre-stress fracture, which makes it sound like his foot broke in anticipation of injury.
It’s a Tango for this pair, and I don’t think we’re ready for this.Cheryl does her best at drawing focus, and once again, she jazzes up really pedestrian footwork to make it seem more impressive than it is.He’s also less awful than last week.Frankly, he’s moved from “hilariously bad” to “meh”.Which probably hurts his chances of staying in.And at the end, no joke, he nearly drops Cheryl on her head.He loses his balance holding her up, and it could have gone really badly.America will forgive a lot of misdeeds, Mr. DeLay, but dropping Cheryl?Now you’ve gone too far.
Tom is in visible pain walking to the judges’ table, and everybody keeps asking if he’s OK.Carrie Ann says that he and Cheryl are a natural match, which Cheryl does not take as a compliment.Bruno says he “nearly pulled it out of the bag”, and appreciates that he tried.Baz appreciates his “dignity and grace”, which are words not often applied to Tom DeLay.He also gets the Damian score, three 6’s for an 18.
The scores are clustered pretty close there – I think that’s going to spell doom for one of the less exciting couples – Kathy Ireland, Louie Vito, and Melissa Joan Hart should be worried.Tom DeLay has the Cheryl Factor on his side, so he’s not going anywhere for a couple of weeks.
Or I could be wrong – we’ll find out tomorrow when Myndi brings us the Results Show, which will apparently feature people from the Disney Channel.Since she always has to explain who these people are to me, it’s probably best for all concerned if she just takes this one.
