All right, let’s take a look at our dancers on this crucial week! For a change of pace, I’ll handle each pair in chronological order. Why? Because cutting and pasting is for suckers!
Donny Osmond and Kym (74/90) – Kym brings Gilles Marini to talk to Donny about the Tango, no doubt making Myndi very happy (I cannot tell a lie.–Myndi).Gilles’ advice is that Donny needs to “make everyone uncomfortable”.Oh, he kissed Bruno already this season.Mission accomplished.
For their Tango, well, as my sister said, watching Donny Tango is like watching a kid play dress-up.She’s got a point there.It’s weird to see him in a dance with any kind of sensuality.It’s not the most forceful tango I’ve ever seen, and the choreography isn’t outstanding.I think it’s clean but not great and it’s not going to knock anybody out.However, I may be wrong because I’m having a hard time paying attention to anything that isn’t Kym’s rack.Donny drops to the ground afterwards, and he looks like he’s wiped out.Tom jokes about “another Osmond down”.
Len thinks Donny didn’t have any focus, and then they both make fun of Marie Osmond.Bruno thinks it wasn’t good enough for this stage.Carrie Ann was also disappointed.They all mention a problem with Kym’s hem, but I have to admit I did not notice.I was… distracted.Donny seems crushed.Poor guy.They get straight 7’s for a 21, and that’s not a good start for the semifinals.
For their Samba, Kym has covered up a little more.Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I can remember my address and phone number.I have a hard time getting a handle on the Samba – I’m never clear on what it’s supposed to be.This is lively and fun, though.It moves quickly, it’s got a couple of showstopper moves, and it’s just really enjoyable to watch.
Bruno is excited that Donny came back and nailed it.Carrie Ann, however, thinks it was too sloppy.Len gets big applause for saying he can’t possibly agree with Carrie Ann.He really like this one.He gets an 8 from Carrie Ann and 9’s from the guys, for a much more respectable 26.
Their Dance-Off Dance is the Jitterbug, and I can’t believe somebody would willingly pick that after the generally crummy reviews the judges have given everybody who attempted it.And for me, this is only slightly better than a Jive in terms of not being able to tell what’s going on.From what I can tell, it’s big and explosive and hammy as all get out.It’s pretty fun, actually.
Carrie Ann says he “hit it and quit it”.Huh. (Also, Ew!–Myndi)Len calls it “a winner”.Bruno thought it was “full of vigor”.They give him straight 9’s for a 27.
Joanna Krupa and Derek (81/90) – I’m actively irritated by the possibility that she could win this.I mean, I like Derek a whole bunch.But she is just grating on me more and more.I wish I liked her, because then I would call myself a Krupa Troopa, and now that reference is just getting wasted.Brooke Burke swings by to give her some advice, and I realize how much I miss her.She was awesome.
Their first dance is a Viennese Waltz, and they are dancing to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, which is a song I love even though it gets overused in soundtracks.Unsurprisingly, they use the one verse of the song that doesn’t obliquely (or directly) refer to oral sex.(It’s a surprisingly filthy song, especially when you consider how often it gets used in a montage to indicate that a TV character is sad and/or dying.)Anyway, damn it all, it’s a good dance.It’s not blowing me away, because I think Joanna tends to be pretty good at just about all the dances but she rarely brings anything new or surprising to any of her numbers.I have a feeling her Freestyle will be boring. (I agree with you wholeheartedly. Also, thanks for all the info on that song. Even I don’t know everything!–Myndi)
Bruno thought it was fantastic, but missing something.Carrie Ann says she took her breath away, but she needs to understand why she’s reaching.Len compliments her hold and posture but makes fun of her weird arms.She gets 9’s across the board for a 27.
Their second dance is the Cha Cha, and it opens with Joanna doing a solo in some crazy pants.It’s another dance where there’s nothing to pick on, and believe me, I wish there were.Buy why don’t the judges ever mention the weird faces she makes while she’s dancing?That’s something they pick on with other people, and nobody has said word one about Krupa making porno faces the whole season. (I’d pay money to hear Len utter the term, “porno face”–Myndi)
Carrie Ann raves about it, as she does.Len thinks it could have been more “cheeky”, and he’s the only person in the world who still uses that word.Bruno talks about how “sex oozes from everywhere”, and I am so grossed out by that imagery that I need to sit quietly for a bit.Once again, straight 9’s for another 27.
Finally, it’s the Salsa.As ever, it’s solid with nothing really to criticize.She almost pops out of her dress at the end, and by this point, even that wouldn’t make me like her.Len and Bruno indicate that they like it in really strange ways.Carrie Ann loved it.She gets another set of 9’s for another 27.
Kelly Osbourne and Louis (78/90) – Kelly’s the only one of the final four who’s never topped the judge’s scores, for you trivia buffs.This week, Kelly learned that a dog she was taking care of died, and she’s absolutely crushed.I get that.(And then they show us the adorable little dog and now I want to cry.)But how weird would it be to get a call from Ozzy bringing you bad news about a pet?
It’s Rumba time!It’s very sedate, which is a cool choice for a Latin dance – they start slowly and let it build.Their holds are fantastic and the footwork is clean and precise.Her extensions are really good, too.It’s a really good dance.Before this season began, I was pretty irritated by her.And in one of the things I like best about this show, now I just love her.I’m glad she’s on the show. (Same here. I’m just impressed by how far she’s come on the show and in her life.–Myndi)
Carrie Ann says it brought her to tears.Len calls her “incredibly competent”.Bruno thinks she needs to amp up the sensuality, but Bruno said that about Schindler’s List, too.She gets three 8’s for a 24.
Holy crap, they are dancing a Quick Step to “99 Red Balloons”!It’s weird to see a Quick Step at this point, since they tend to do this dance in the first few rounds.And unlike those early Quick Steps, this one is actually quick.This dance has a ton of energy, and Kelly is holding up admirably as they zip across the floor.This one was really fun to watch, and the audience loves it.
Len says it was beyond his expectations and she’s absolutely blown him away.Bruno points out one step that she missed, but overall he loved it.Carrie Ann is doing that weird yelling thing she does and freaking out over how much she loved it.She gets all 9’s for a 27.Yay!
And for their third dance, it’s a Cha Cha.It’s non-flashy, but it’s well-done.Sadly, I think these are such short dances that you can’t afford not to be flashy.Bruno loved her precision.Carrie Ann said it was beautiful.Len is impressed with her performance and her improvement.Huh – I guess she didn’t need to be flashy after all.She get’s all 9’s for a 27.
Mya and Dmitry (87/90) – Last week, Mya got the first perfect 30 of the season.And that means it’s time for her to get serious.See, up until this point, Mya’s just been dicking around.Imagine what she could do if she focused!I’m not sure if this is a bit, but they show her sleeping in the studio.If that’s a real thing, it’s either sad or awesome.
Their first dance is a Waltz.Like most of Mya’s dances, it’s gorgeous.It’s just so elegant and stunning.It’s really hard to write about somebody who doesn’t really make mistakes, you know?
Len calls it “an absolute joy to watch”.Bruno said she defied gravity – he loved it.Carrie Ann thinks it was great but they lacked a connection in their holds.There’s a hysterical shot of Bruno, who doesn’t have any idea what the hell she’s talking about.She gets 9’s from Carrie Ann and Len and a 10 from Bruno.28!
Their second dance is a Salsa, and I think it’s a really strong dance for them.Mya is so good at the ballroom stuff that you forget how she can really bring it for the Latin dances.It’s fast and energetic, yet still precise.Her solo is really well-done, too.It’s the controlled chaos that you want in a Salsa.
Bruno calls it “sensational” at the top of his lungs.Carrie Ann says she’s “slammin’” and compliments the choreography.Len was mesmerized by her buttocks and says she should be in the finale.Presumably the Dancing with the Stars finale, and not some kind of buttock finale.She gets perfect 10’s for the second 30 of the season!
And finally, it’s their Cha Cha.Apparently, there is a shawty fire burning on the dance floor.You guys, it’s burning on the dance floor!Somebody call 911!This is a standard Mya dance, which means it’s clean and precise with some neat tricks.Carrie Ann says the beginning “didn’t speak to (her)”.Len complains about Bruno “getting on (his) wick”, and says the only disappointment about the dance is that it didn’t go on longer.Bruno loved it and doesn’t make much sense.Carrie Ann gives them a 9, the guys give her 10’s, for a 29.
Wow – that was a good night.(But needing to fill that extra half hour with each celeb’s backstory was like a cross between American Idol’s hometown visits and some sort of weird dance telethon.–Myndi) And since only Kelly has been in the bottom two (and that was just last week), we don’t really have any idea how these guys are matching up in terms of voting.I just don’t know what kind of a fanbase is in place here.Tomorrow’s going to be really interesting.And possibly traumatic.Myndi will be there as somebody’s dreams go up in flames! (I may end up needing to breathe into a paper bag from the nerves, but I’ll be there!–Myndi)
