Carrie-Ann is vaguely positive but says he got off to a bad start. Anna yells at the judges in a way that I find hilarious and adorable, but I am biased.
Backstage, everybody chants “Gute! Gute!”, which is cute. Steve is still super-pumped and says that this show “makes the world a better place”. How do you not like him? He’d be getting a hunk of my votes just for Anna, but I’m actually rooting for Guttenberg.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—6 Len—5 Bruno—5 Total: 16
As Tom throws it to commercial, he makes a Three Men and a Little Lady joke as we see Jason Taylor, Cristian de la Fuente, and Penn Jillette. The camera searches for a second before finding tiny Marissa Jaret Winokur, and I am unsettled once again at how little she is.
Up next, it’s Cristian and Cheryl. Tom elects not to mention the tabloid rumor that Cheryl hooked up with Drew Lachey on tour, which is just as well. I don’t buy it for a second, myself. Anyway, she’s working on Cristian’s posture, which bothered the judges last week. She makes him dance in a Navy uniform, even though he’s not in the Navy. I imagine that female viewers appreciated the visual.
In their quickstep, he seems to be moving a little slower than Cheryl. That’s weird, because she’s usually really good at camouflaging her partner’s weaknesses. She’s got him standing up straight this week, though. (Not like that…) It seems like there are a few stretches where his feet aren’t moving, which is never a good thing. I think it’s a notable improvement over last week. He somersaults over Cheryl at the end, which is kind of cool. The audience loves them!
Carrie-Ann likes that he listened to the judges about his postures. Len says he was faster than “wind from a duck’s bottom”, but thought it wasn’t a proper quickstep. Bruno assigns him the character of “Spats, the Dancing Gangster”, and I miss the rest of what he says, because of the weird visual.
In the interview, Cristian says Cheryl’s tougher than his sergeants, because he’s in the military. They mention that a lot this week. I’m guessing the Chilean Air Force gives their officers a lot of time off for dance competitions and telenovelas.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—7 Len—6 Bruno—7 Total: 20
Speaking of posture, up next is Monica Seles. She and partner Jonathan Roberts go to Japan for a mysterious “prior engagement”. In their practice video, they work on her facial expressions.
Her mambo features a lot of posturing, and some sloppy footwork. It looks like Jonathan is actually manipulating her body for some of the runs. She’s noticeably out of step with him, and it’s even slower than Steve’s mambo. Plus, it’s got some of that clichéd mambo choreography that I hate. Yeah, yeah. Guy gets on his knees and slaps at his partner’s skirt. We’ve seen that every season. All in all, it’s a little bit like she’s angry at dancing.
Bruno actually laughs at her and says she’s not connecting with the music. Carrie-Ann likes that she “attacked it”, but thinks she needs work. Len talks so much about her tennis days that I think this is Celebrity Apprentice for a moment, and ultimately appreciates her effort but thinks she’s not that good. It’s kind of sad because usually people who dance badly know that they’re bad. I think Monica was really proud of herself and had a hard time with the criticism.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—5 Len—5 Bruno—5 Total: 15
Monica is disappointed, and makes some sarcastic reference about how much the judges love her. Considering that two of the three layered on the positive comments before they even got to the part about her not being good, that comes off as just whiny. Man, Jonathan’s got another high-maintenance partner on his hands.
In the interview, Samantha asks what she’ll do to get all 6’s next week. Hee. Even Samantha’s not trying to sell us on drastic improvement.
It’s Penn Jillette and Kym Johnson, and they have to manage a quickstep. There’s some messing around with the posture bar, which is meant for normal size people, not for Penn. He accidentally tears one of the bars from the wall, which is funny. He then uses the huge wall installation as his posture bar which is also funny.
Penn leads off poking a voodoo doll that’s holding a “5” paddle. Kind of cute, but not really dancing. It eats up a few seconds, though, so that’s less movement he has to do. There’s almost no choreography, and it’s almost entirely runs. It is by no means quick, and his body makes an awkward humping motion when they move. He attempts a jump at one point, but gets as much height as George Costanza. I kind of feel like it just wasn’t coming together, so Kym threw together a really basic quickstep and hope we’d be distracted by cleavage. We were.
As last week, Penn keeps talking and interrupting the judges. Dude, live show here. Len says that he worked hard to create the illusion of a proper quickstep. He liked the holds, but thought Penn’s feet were terrible. Bruno and Penn banter about poking the Bruno doll in its crotch. He then pronounces the dance “really, really, really bad”, and Penn is mock offended by the repetition. Bruno goes on to “atrocious”, and that actually shuts Penn up. Carrie-Ann agrees that the footwork was bad. Still, she likes him. Carrie-Ann so wants to be the Paula Abdul of this show. Penn assures us that he’s having fun. Well, that’s swell. He trips going up the stairs, which he assures us is a joke. I don’t believe him.
Backstage, Penn advises America to dance, but not to learn to dance. He says the training isn’t worth it. They’re going to be able to trim fifteen minutes from this show when he gets eliminated.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—6 Len—6 Bruno—5 Total: 17
Kym is happy with the 17, which just goes to show that she has died inside.
With a mambo, it’s the overrated Priscilla Presly and Louis Van Amstel. I’m not sure why the judges freaked out over her. It’s entirely possible that she’s had another round of plastic surgery since last week, as I can now see the entire shape of her skull. She talks at length about the Death Spiral, which if you’ll remember, was not nearly as awesome as it sounds.
Their dance is pretty rote, without any real surprises or hilarious mistakes. She has no hip action whatsoever, which, you know, 62. To me, it seems like sort of a demonstration dance they’d have at the beginning of ballroom dance lessons on a Carnival Cruise. It’s another slow dance, which is sort of a theme tonight. It’s just not that interesting. I mean, it’s great that a woman in her 60’s can pull it off, but she shouldn’t get extra credit for being old.
Carrie-Ann thinks she’s glamorous and sexy, and I want to buy her a dictionary. Len appreciates some technical thing I would never notice in a million years. He thinks it was too precise, and needs to be more untamed. Bruno says it was well-placed but lacking in sensuality. That was removed along with her cheeks, Bruno. I seriously think she had that cat lady surgery you sometimes see on Entertainment Tonight.
In the interview, Priscilla gives Louis all the credit. His face says “you know it, baby”.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—7 Len—7 Bruno—7 Total: 21
Next up it’s Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough. Tom says that last week she received 21 points for her cha-cha, which sounds dirty. There’s a lot of talk about how disappointed she was with herself, and she apologizes to Derek. At first, it comes off as kind of charming and endearing. Upon further reflection though, she makes me think of every pretty girl who ever tricked me into doing their math homework.
They’re dancing the quickstep to the song from Newsies, which I have never heard with lyrics before. This looks more like a quickstep should than the night’s other efforts. It’s pretty good, with some nice jumps and heel kicks. There’s one run that sort of falls apart, but she’s wearing a flowing gown, so it’s hard to tell. All in all, I think it’s a significant improvement over last week, where she seemed more concerned with posing than dancing. This week, she’s got the moves.
Bruno loves it. Carrie-Ann loves it too, and says it had been a rough night so far. Len also likes it, but thinks she was a bit clingy. I suspect that applies to more than her dancing, personally.
Shannon is proud of herself, in the interview. Derek says he has to slap her around, which is kind of funny. Oh no. She’s this year’s Jennie Garth. We’re going to see weeks of videos where she has to learn to believe in herself. If Richard Simmons shows up, I’m out of here.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—8 Len—8 Bruno—8 Total: 24
Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska are next with their mambo. Edyta tells us that she’s giving him really complicated choreography. He’s a lot more likeable when he stops reminding us how macho he is. The audience hoots every time he’s on screen, so his video is kind of hard to get through.
I really like this dance. His footwork is nice and consistent. Nice twirls, interesting holds, and they’re in sync. It’s a really complicated dance for the second week. It looks a little like he’s not sure what to do with his arms if he’s not holding Edyta, but the dance moves fast enough that it’s not really an issue. Still, I feel like the choreography is the star of the dance, much more so than his performance. But other than the occasional Frankenstein arm, he looks really comfortable out there. Also, my sister loves him.
Len calls him a winner. Bruno calls him the Mambo King. What, no love for Lou Bega? Carrie-Ann thinks he’s great. It’s really hard to write about good dances, especially when the judges are happy.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—9 Len—9 Bruno—9 Total: 27
Jason tells Samantha that Edyta’s a great teacher. Edyta is just beaming now that she’s got a serious shot at the top. Six seasons, people! Six seasons and three hundred pairs of legwarmers. Sure, Cameron Mathison made it far last year, but she’s got a Holyfield and a Ratzenberger haunting her.
It’s Marissa Jaret Winokur, who creates all kinds of problems for me. She’s all bright and sunny and you have to like that she’s a borderline midget and on the chunky side and she’s still getting out there. On the other hand, dial it down, girl. In their video, partner Tony Dovolani has to console her over last week’s performance. You can tell this is not what he signed up for. I think he’s actually a little bit better off keeping her sort of sad. Happy Marissa is a lot to deal with.
As previously established, I don’t know a damn thing about dancing, but this is really a cool quickstep. It opens with some campy posing, but it’s toned down from last week. She keeps up pretty well on the runs, considering her legs are half as long as Tony’s, but they are not really in sync. It’s a nice, enthusiastic performance. I actually think her height and weight force Tony to think a little bit more about the choreography, so he’s not doing his usual bit where he tries to subjugate America with his crotch. It’s a good balance.
Carrie-Ann loves her, but she thinks their synchronicity was off. Marissa almost cries at that comment. Maybe she’s the new Jennie Garth. Len says he makes her smile, and he just gushes. Bruno says it was fun and proper, but she sometimes lost the footwork.
Tom points out Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo in the audience, and references the Ben Affleck video. I know it’s dumb, but it makes me laugh. I’m a simple man.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—7 Len—7 Bruno—7 Total: 21
In their interview, Marissa and Tony say a lot of positive things that aren’t that interesting. I just realized that she looks like one of those kids with rapid-aging syndrome. She’s five, but she’s also 47.
Tom has another good joke about how Marissa actually makes Steve Guttenberg look sullen. Hee. And now it’s Adam Carolla and Julianne Hough. In the recap, they manage to leave out the bit where he called Carrie-Ann a bitch. Julianne says he’s picking up the foxtrot faster than the mambo. Well, he’d have to.
Well, he keeps his feet still for a long stretch at the beginning, and another stretch in the middle. When he moves across the floor by himself, he holds his arms like a fifth-grader making fun of gay people. He gets completely lost on a twirl, and at one point, Julianne looks openly frightened as he seems to be pulling her across the floor. He actually does some hip action, but the feet are just sort of a mess. It’s weird and spastic, and I’m not sure what he’s doing half the time. And Julianne is dressed like Poison Ivy.
Before the judges can talk, Carolla does a bit about how Guttenberg’s gone out of control. Save it for your radio show, man. Again, live show here. Bruno says it’s not a good dance, but it made him laugh. Carrie-Ann references the “bitch” incident. She’s kind of laughing, but she’s clearly mad. Adam does the same bit he did on Leno about how he was talking to his friend Mitch. Oh, my knees. They are sore from being slapped. Carrie-Ann says it wasn’t a mambo, but it was “green and cute”. Len says it was brilliant because it was entertaining.
Samantha asks him for the story of his dance, and Adam is much less funny than Kenny Mayne answering this same question in Season Two. Adam assures us that he’s having fun.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—6 Len—7 Bruno—6 Total: 19
Crap. We’re going to be stuck with this guy for another week.
And now it’s Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez. Fabian still doesn’t get that she’s all the way deaf. He might be a little dim. They explain that they won’t get as much eye contact with the quickstep as they did with the foxtrot. Marlee gets too much momentum going and nearly smashes into a wall.
They’re dancing the quickstep to “Mack the Knife”. Huh. Once again, we are watching an actual deaf person, and she is fantastic. It’s fast, it’s reasonably complicated, and she does an amazing job with her extensions. Once again, you would not know you’re watching somebody who can’t hear. She is right on the beat the whole time, even with the fairly minimal eye contact the quickstep allows. If she could hear, it would be an impressive performance, but as it is, we’re really seeing something special here. I’m floored by the way that she nails the last move exactly on the beat. How is that even possible?
Len loved Marlee’s dancing, but didn’t care for Fabian’s choreography. Bruno liked her dancing and her presence, but also was not enamored of Fabian. Carrie-Ann compliments the character of the dance and tells her to watch the holds.
In the interview, Samantha awkwardly puts the microphone in front of Carrie-Ann instead of her interpreter. Marlee teases her about. Man, that lady is a good sport.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—8 Len—8 Bruno—8 Total: 24
Last week, Kristi Yamaguchi pulled a 27, the highest first round scores in the show’s history. This week, she and partner Mark Ballas have the mambo to look forward to. Both of them tell us that Latin is harder than Ballroom for her. Apparently she’s shy and it’s difficult to come out of her shell. Mark helps out by wearing a skirt and showing her how to work it. It’s cute.
The song is No Doubt’s “Hey Baby”, which is the first insane musical selection of the year. She’s surprisingly good, for all her misgivings, and she gets better as the dance goes on. She seems a little out of step at the beginning, but as the dance gets more complicated, she catches up a little. There are a lot of good moves here, and it’s really good choreography. After seeing five other mambos tonight, there are still some moves that we haven’t seen yet. I liked this one a lot, even if her outfit is sort of insane. It’s like if Blossom’s friend wore a ball gown.
Carrie-Ann compliments their precision. She’s very excitable in the second half of the show. Len thinks it lived up to last week’s dance. Bruno can’t find anything to criticize.
In their interview, Kristi is humble and cool, and completely exhausted.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—9 Len—9 Bruno—9 Total: 27
The last dance of the night goes to last week’s highest-scoring male, Mario. We are reminded that his footwork was poor, even though he had the night’s highest score. To improve his footwork, Karina Smirnoff takes him to the beach. I do believe this is the third time we’ve seen her take a partner to the beach. And we know what happened when she went beach dancing with that other Mario…
Mario is wearing a tuxedo jacket with the sleeves torn off, a necktie, and no shirt. Let’s hope he can overcome this. Karina has some weird design across here forehead. I think she might be a Romulan. (Is that the alien I’m thinking of? I’ve never actually seen an episode of Star Trek.) His footwork is really fast, which is appropriate for a quickstep, though unusual tonight. It seems good, but he’s not reinventing the quickstep or anything. It’s the same moves we’ve seen all night, only they don’t look like they’re being performed underwater. I think his footwork looks pretty good, but I thought that last week. I wouldn’t know a heel lead if it mugged me.
Bruno likes his energy and does not use any metaphors. Len think his hold was weak and says he needs more finesse, and tells the crowd to shut up when they boo him. Carrie-Ann keeps talking about his “vibe”, and says his performance was hot.
Samantha’s interview question is, essentially, “That was really good”. These two-hour shows are hard on Samantha. Karina does not get to talk.
Scores: Carrie-Ann—9 Len—8 Bruno—9 Total: 26
Thanks to Adam and Penn, there’s no time left in the show to recap the scores, so poor Tom has to blast through the quickest explanation of the voting process ever. Here are the totals for tonight – feel free to read last week’s recaps so you can add last week’s scores, too. We can’t spoon-feed you, for Pete’s sake…
Jason Taylor – 27
Kristi Yamaguchi – 27
Mario – 26
Marlee Matlin – 24
Shannon Elizabeth – 24
Priscilla Presley – 21
Marissa Jaret Winokur – 21
Cristian de la Fuente – 20
Adam Carolla – 19
Steve Guttenberg – 16
Penn Jillette – 16
Monica Seles – 15
Ashton Kutcher thanks you when you vote, and he reminds you to watch “his” new comedy Miss Guided. First off, you totally should, because it’s awesome. Second, the guy’s a producer. Don’t start acting like you’re key to the creative vision or anything.
Random celebrity sighting of the episode: Henry Winkler.
I didn’t mention Tom much tonight, but he was really on. That guy knows a thing or two about hosting a live show, and he consistently does a great job.
Myndi will have the recap of the results show tomorrow, complete with a performance of the Jonas Brothers. She assures me that they are, in fact, famous people. I’m taking her word for it.
