Dancing with the Stars Week 9: Results (Nov 19)
For some reason, Karina and Anna have bad perms, or more likely, frizzy wigs. Not that it matters, of course. (For maximum reading enjoyment, whenever Anna’s name appears, imagine it’s printed in cursive on a sash held aloft by cartoon bluebirds.) It’s a fairly cool and well-planned dance, especially considering that the dancers are really the sideshow here. This does not mean that the camera should be cutting away from them to show more Aretha. Nine weeks in and we’re getting our first glimpse of Anna? That camera had best stay in place!
Tom and Samantha recap the performances, and Brooke is upset about messing up, though not to a hysterical Shannon Elizabeth-extent. I’m kind of tired of Cody trying to be funny, so I can’t remember what he says. Warren keeps calling himself “Fat Boy”, which is pretty funny, but Kym’s cleavage distracts me at this point. How do they expect me to get any recapping done? Anyway, the judges loved Lance. And this brings us to our second dances. Brooke made a big comeback with an objectively awesome salsa. (The dance, not the dip.) Cody still disappointed in the second round and he finds himself in last place again. Warren worked card tricks into his jitterbug and made the judges happy. And Lance dominated with his second dance, putting him far in the lead.
Tom and Samantha name a whole bunch of people who are going to be doing musical numbers. This could end up being the easiest recap ever. First up is Leona Lewis, a British sensation who may or may not be popular in the US. I’m so out of the loop on pop music. Wait, I know this song. I’ve heard this one! She must really be popular, or else she’s gotten this song into a videogame. Karina and Maks are dancing. They often seem to be paired up for the musical numbers. I’ve decided to assume that they’re dating. Not much to say, but Leona’s dress looks like it was made by a fair-to-middling Project Runway designer early in the season.
Samantha mentions Maks and Karina’s chemistry, and says “It’s so hot, I think they should date”. Did Samantha just give me a shout-out on something I wrote thirty seconds ago? Are those two actually dating, and that’s supposed to be the joke? Do I have to start buying celebrity gossip magazines again?
After two musical numbers and a recap, Tom and Samantha remind us of the scores. Cody and Julianne are last with 46, Brooke and Cody tied Warren and Kym with 49 each, and Lance and Lacey took the lead with 57. Damn, that’s a big lead there.
The judges talk about what could get the stars to the finals. Len likes Cody’s enthusiasm and work ethic, and a woman in the grocery store said he was cute. Bruno cites Lance’s creativity and fresh interpretation. Carrie Ann says that Warren is a natural charmer. Finally, Len calls Brooke “polished” and “the one to beat”. OK, so everybody deserves to be there. Wouldn’t it have been great if they’d just called somebody out? “Yeah, they’re a turd. I don’t know what kind of pictures they have to stay in for this long, but it’s getting ridiculous.”
Our next musical guest is Julianne Hough herself, performing a song from her hit album. The other dancers still in the competition are dancing backup for her. I’m not a country fan, and this song isn’t exactly changing my mind. But it’s not gapingly stupid like that “Ticks” song from last week, and Julianne is pleasant to listen to. It’s probably the best performance of any of the current acts who’ve shown up this season. Those Hough kids are good at everything, aren’t they? I half expect to win Derek to win an Edgar award for mystery writing and Julianne to end up with a Cabinet appointment. Do you think they have a homely sibling without any natural skills? That would be the saddest thing ever.
Samantha talks to the remaining stars backstage, and they agree that they’re all awesome. Yeah, there we are. Warren jokes that he didn’t sleep at all last night, and Tom says it wasn’t because of nerves. I think Tom’s working blue tonight!
OK, there’s actually a montage setting up John Legend’s upcoming musical number. Boy, they are stretching to fill the time this week. I’m halfway worried they’ll bring out Cloris to fill twenty minutes or so. Still, I’m kind of excited about John Legend, because he was on the Season Six finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Larry David and Vivica Fox fell in love dancing while he sang. I wish those two would dance right now! Vivica was on the show back in Season Three or thereabouts, right? Sadly, I am denied that pleasure, as the backup dancers appear to be Legend’s own tour performers. For a guy who sings as well as he does, there’s a lot of spoken word in this song.
In the middle of the dance floor is a small stage with diagonal bars extending out. It’s kind of a weird look, actually. The dancing is a little too Dance War for my tastes, but it’s pretty slick. This song is incredibly repetitive, by the way. John Legend, for the record, is Ready to Go. And if it comes to it, he can do so Right Now, if you require.
Up next, video clips of the stars’ loved ones. Warren’s mother does not look nearly as tired as you’d expect from a woman who forced him from her loins, lo, these many years ago. Cody’s mom appears to be only slightly older than me, which makes me feel so very tired. And in one clip, she and Cody are hanging out in his trailer and her neckline is entirely inappropriate for the situation. Brooke’s fiancée is more in love with her every time he sees her dance. Of course, so am I. Don’t go thinking that makes you so special! Lance’s grandfather (from last night) is so proud of his grandson. This is a sweet bit, but I can’t help but wish that somebody’s loved one admitted to voting for somebody else. Also, I love Lance’s grandpa. I want to go fishing with him and ask him for old-timey wisdom.
Aretha Franklin’s back to sing “Respect”, with last year’s champions Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas. Now, this is not something I say lightly, but Aretha seems a little off in this number. I could be wrong, and there are a couple of things working against her. This song always sounds a little off, because the pronunciation is so compressed. There are more syllables than notes, after all. Also, she looks irritated at the microphone at one point, which means maybe their sound board guy screwed up and we’re getting too much bass and not enough treble, or something with tweeters. Regardless, she’s on fire again by the end. Kristi and Mark aren’t at their best, partly because Mark is clowning around a bit, but they’re still good enough to remind you why she won. Other than the syllable soup at the beginning, it turned into a really good number there.
Our hosts introduce another video bit. This one’s the standard “Final Four talk about each other” piece that we get every season. They appear to be standing in a factory that makes dry ice and wind machines. They gush about one another, and they really do seem like there’s a lot of mutual respect going on this season.
Forty-nine minutes into the results show, we’re getting to some actual results. Unless anybody else has a song they’d like to do? No? Fine. The scary music plays, the lights go red, and Lance and Lacey are safe to go to the finals. Well, with an eight point lead, that was a pretty safe bet. Also moving on are Brooke and Derek. Whew. I was actually worried about them for a minute.
The safe couples go backstage to chat with Samantha. Everybody is pleasant and supportive, which does not exactly make for on-air sparks. So let’s go to a commercial!
Guys, I’m really nervous for Warren. I’d like to see him in the finals, and I’m not sure he’s got the popular support to overcome the Julianne voting block.
OK, let’s hold it together. It’s Elimination Time, and I am freaking amazed to report that Cody and Julianne are eliminated! Seriously, I would have bet money on those two in the finals. Julianne is smiling, because that’s what she does, but I think she’s kind of heartbroken. Cody manages to be classy and appreciative in his farewells, which is very cool of him. The spaz act wore thin, but I think he’s a decent kid. I think Myndi was right when she called Julianne his “imaginary girlfriend”. He’s totally going to be calling her every night. (and she’s totally going to be screening him.–Myndi)
They get their last dance, and for the first time I can remember, the other couples don’t go down there to hug them. Not that I think there are any bad feelings there, I think they’re just letting the kid get his moment.
Finals next week! If you think I’m not ridiculously excited about the Freestyle round, you are sadly mistaken. We’re not sure on the specifics yet, but Myndi and I are going to spend Thanksgiving week serving up a big old plate of recap. You know what I’m thankful for? Celebrity ballroom dancing, that’s what!
