Dancing With the Stars: The Finale! (May 21)
Brian May wanted to hit Ace Young.
Yes, many, many people wanted to hit Ace Young.
EJ: Hee. He got killed on Bones last week.
9:22 PM Myn: I saw that was coming up. Was it bloody and violent? Did they maybe chop off his stupid hair?
EJ: I missed it for DWTS — there will be catching up online later, though.
9:23 PM Myn: Well, I might just have to tune in. Ace. Who they hell goes by the name “Ace”?
9:24 PM EJ: I think it would be a good name for a collie.
Myn: Ha!
EJ: So for Cristian to be eliminated from second place, that means third-place Jason got more viewer votes. I’m not sure if that’s surprising or not.
9:25 PM Myn: It’s not to me–every NFL player has been saved by the viewers on this show more than once. I don’t have the statistics handy, but I’m sure of it.
EJ: Here we go with the season retrospective. Aww, remember all these people?
Myn: Doesn’t this seem like we were much younger when this all began?
9:26 PM EJ: I know. I think I wore my hair longer back then.
Myn: I love Marlee.
Man, Penn sucked,eh?
EJ: Me too. She made me want to cry every week.
9:27 PM Myn: The Gute!
EJ: I miss him. And Anna.
Myn: ‘Scilla–my mom thinks she may have had more surgery–a fix, if you will.
EJ: Oh really? I’ll have to watch her.
Myn: Penn & Kym dancing. Well, he’s a good coat rack.
9:28 PM EJ: That’s about it. I like how the camera guy panned to the floor right off the bat.
Myn: He looks like he wants to eat her for lunch with all the lip licking.
EJ: Penn trying to emote is a scary sight.
9:29 PM Myn: Clearly, he hasn’t been practicing much since he got knocked out.
It is truly the drunk uncle at the wedding dancing.
EJ: He lost the choreography early on and it’s just pure pain to the end.
Myn: He says he missed the show every moment with an aching heart–ha!
9:30 PM EJ: Oh, remember how he and Carolla just went on and on every chance they got?
Tom’s got a schedule, people!
Myn: Dear Lord, yes. Hee–Teller in Kym’s costumes. That would be funny.
EJ: OK, that would be great.
9:31 PM Myn: Oh, Monica Seles. What a horrible dancer you were.
EJ: Wow. Sometimes there’s somebody eliminated early and it’s just because they didn’t connect with the voters, but she was really not good.
9:32 PM Myn: Johnathan is doing an admirable job of keeping her in line. It’s like she can’t even walk between the heels and the legs. How was she an athlete? Seriously?
EJ: It’s actually more sad than somebody like Penn or Kenny Mayne who’s hilariously bad.
Did you see that? She was mouthing something to Jonathan and she looked mad!
9:33 PM Myn: She can’t believe she looked like such a dweeb again voluntarily.
Did you see Lisa Marie and her dirtbag lookin’ husband–or possibly child–in the audience?
EJ: Yeah, that guy’s a piece of work.
9:34 PM Myn: Colbert is in The Love Guru? You must be pissed!
EJ: I’d rather not talk about it. Neither would he, I bet.
9:35 PM Myn: Did he need money or something? Maybe basic cable doesn’t pay that well.
EJ: He must have gambling debts or something. That’s my theory.
9:36 PM I can’t believe how angry those ads make me. I actually want to punch that movie.
Myn: More favorite moments of the season. MoreGute!
EJ: Yay! I miss him so much.
9:37 PM me: I imagine he only would have improved each week, much like Cristian did.
EJ: I think he would have. Lord knows he was putting in the work.
me: Couldn’t he have called Selleck in to sit in the audience and maybe do some campaigning. Missed opportunity there, I say.
9:38 PM EJ: A Three Men and a Baby reunion? Myn: Yes! That would be great. They could even have the dead kid from behind the curtain!
EJ: OK, that was awesome.
9:39EJ: If you watch Anna carefully (and I do), you’ll notice that she has about 11 personalities fighting for control at any given time. Myn: Aw, Steve and Johnathan doing the “Mango” when Anna was sick!
9:40 PM EJ: That was really good. Jonathan always has such high maintenance partners, but he’s so cool.
Myn: They could have a whole show of just Tom’s one liners.
Adam Carolla saying he gained gained 105 lbs of angel, that was sweet.
9:41 PM Here comes the unicycle!
EJ: And here he is, to burn off that goodwill…
Myn: He is getting serious air on the cape, tho.
EJ: Very billowy. I thought the unicycle dismount was going to go wrong this time.
9:42 PM Myn: Billowy. I don’t use that word enough.
Man, is Julianne flexible.
EJ: You don’t talk about capes enough, is the problem.
Myn: He told Tom he was going to end up looking like a latter-day Brando, hee.
9:43 PM EJ: This season really brought out how good Julianne is, actually.
Myn: Look at him pimping the radio show & CD.
EJ: And bringing up terrorism.
Myn: I’m sorry, he’s funny.
9:44 PM
EJ: He has his moments, but I think he’s more funny than witty. Like he comes up with a bit, and he’s going to use it whether it fits or not.
Myn: You know who else kind of does that? Letterman.
If a joke doesn’t work, he beats the thing into the ground.
9:45 PM EJ: You’re right. There’s a certain bitterness at work there.
By the way, Adam totally made that bit with “The Mirror Ball doesn’t care what God you pray to.” That, my friend, was funny.
9:46 PM Myn: I kind of wish the mirror ball was animated and would speak.
EJ: And it would sound like Jerry Seinfeld’s belly button voice.
Myn Helllllloooooooo!
9:47 PM EJ: Wait, new footage on a Lost rerun? Well, I’ll be watching that.
Myn: How is that scenario different from any other Lost rerun?
EJ: Well, I’ll have my notepad with me for one.
9:48 PM Myn: It’ll be 90 seconds or so, I bet.
EJ: Remember how GMA used to run deleted scenes from Lost the next morning? I would record them faithfully, and the scene would be Locke climbing the ladder to leave the hatch.
Myn: Ha. Totally. Yikes! Ballroom Kids!
EJ: The Tiny Dancers are in the house!
9:49 PM Myn: Is this what Elton was singing about all those years ago?
EJ: I hate to be cynical, but do you think the judges planned to have every round in a 2-1 split so that the kids could feel good about themselves?
Myn: Yes. The Junior Champ are the 13 year olds, Brandon & Brittany. Had to be them!
9:50 PM EJ: Well, there’s a big difference between a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old.
Myn: Stop it–they got the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to present their trophy?
EJ: OK, that’s funny.
Myn: Poor kid…
EJ: He’s taking it pretty well. That could have been embarrassing.
Myn: I can’t imagine what’s going on in his pants. Was that too much?
9:51 PM EJ: Between the cheerleaders and the dance pants, that kid’s going to need to hide behind something.
Myn: More highlights. Ugh, Priscilla’s rumba. Sominex.
EJ: Cheryl’s insane pink furry outfit. They dress that poor girl like a crazy person.
Myn: Oh boy, next up is Shannon’s serious lack of hips and the MELTDOWN. That was uncomfortable.
9:52 PM
Marissa could use some Spanx under many of her costumes.
EJ: I have no idea what Spanx are.
9:53 PM Myn: Is it bad I sort of forgot about Mario? Spanx are industrial strength undergarments that hold everything in, if you will.
EJ: Priscilla is billed as an “Actress and Businesswoman”? She was in the Naked Gun and she licenses Elvis’ image!
You know, I kind of liked Mario but he often slipped my mind.
Myn: Well, what was it they called Heather Mills?
EJ: “Charity fund-raiser and activist” maybe?
9:54 PM Better than “litigant”, I guess.
Myn: That sounds right. Her favorite charity is apparently herself.
Priscilla’s face looks the same, unfortunately.
Yay, a Jason & Cristian montage set to “Just the Two of Us”!
9:55 PM EJ: I love the gauzy filter!
Myn: Oh man, those two shirtless. Wow!
EJ: I like those two so much. I’m such a woman.
9:56 PM Myn: They were going to save it for the wrap party–that’s great.
EJ: Ha. Whoever that guy is next to Lisa Marie, he appears to be Hyde from That 70’s Show.Myn: Marlee & Fabian. I hope he comes back. I liked him.
EJ: Ha. Whoever that guy is next to Lisa Marie, he appears to be Hyde from That 70’s Show.Myn: Marlee & Fabian. I hope he comes back. I liked him.
EJ: I did too — I didn’t plan on liking him because I fear new people. I really liked how long it took for him to understand that she’s all the way deaf.
9:57 PM Myn: But what a job he did teaching her! Fear of new people, huh? Does that have a name?
9:58 PM EJ: Neo-xenophobia.
Myn: Of course you inspire people, Marlee!
Aw, man, I’m welling up!
EJ: I know! She always says that she wants to inspire people, and she’s had that covered for 20 years.
9:59 PM I’m this close to crying like Richard Simmons, actually.
Myn: Question: Are you wearing The Shorts?
EJ: It’s part of the recapping uniform!
Myn:Silly me, I’m wearing khakis. I didn’t get the memo. I really, really want Get Smart to be good. I will be very sad if it’s not. Also, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is gorgeous.
10:00 PM
EJ: I’m totally pulling for that movie. I feel like I can trust Steve Carell.
Myn: Steve for President!
10:01 PM EJ: Heck, I will defend Evan Almighty to this day.
Myn: Mike watched it last night and said it was funny. I plan to check it out this weekend.
EJ: I liked it. It’s not quite what I expected, but it’s funny and has a good heart. Plus, Steve and Lauren Graham!
10:02 PM Myn: Exactly, those two rock.
EJ: I’m pretty much sold on anything they do until the end of time.
Myn: Oh good, more Usher on GMA in the morning.
10:03 PM Tom & Sam are busted chatting as they come back from break!
EJ: Hee. They’re talking about American Idol.
Myn: Shannon & Derek. Um, what television did she star on, announcer guy?
EJ: She was on That 70’s Show, but not as a regular.
10:04 PM Myn: She was much better at ballroom dances than Latin.
Oh, right.
EJ: And that’s the second time I’ve referenced That 70’s Show tonight.
Myn: And we didn’t even talk about Ashton in that Nikon commercial.
EJ: Man, I missed a reference.
10:05 PM So, are these two still together?
Myn: Do you think Derek’s already dumped her?
Hee–we were forming the samethought at the same time. Creepy! Yet, all too frequent of an occurrence.
Man,Samantha can’t ask a coherent question to save her life!
EJ: I think Tom’s getting a standing lapdance from Shannon.
Ha!
10:06 PM Myn: Two dances a week–that was a gamechanger.
EJ: Yeah, that always weeds out the people who are skating by. Scores always drop that week.
10:07 PM Myn: Kristi’s Big Bird costume! Ahhhh! It’s the stuff of nightmares.
EJ: I still think Marissa looks like an 8-year-old with Rapid Aging Syndrome.
10:08 PM Myn: Oh, there’s the Jete she missed. Maybe that explains the giant hair and the older face…she’s actually a child.
Hee–Tom said Poopy pooped out. funny. I LOVED this Mambo from Mario and Karina.
EJ: I’m always going to think of Mario as ‘Poopy”
10:09 PM Myn: But with this outfit (the red shirt and bright white pants) I kind of feel like I should meet him at the bar on the Lido deck and his name is Isaac.
EJ: OK, that was awesome.
Myn: Thank you.
10:10 PM EJ: Hey, I never noticed Karina’s back tattoo before.
Myn: I also love that move where the girls just drop their heads back into the guys’ hands. Scary.
Me neither! Is it a tramp stamp? Oh goody, Drew’s here again (eye roll).
EJ: No, it’s on her shoulder.
10:11 PM Myn: Did Kelly just say “expose yourself?” that’s funny.
EJ: I think we all remember the broken strap…
Myn: Emmitt Smith cannot be bothered to come back and speak can he? What the hell is he so busy doing all the time?
10:12 PM EJ: He’s never come back, has he? Has he turned his back on the ballroom?
Myn: He was there in the audience a couple weeks ago. But he hasn’t been interviewed, save for one short clip on the 100th episode that was taped.
10:13 PM EJ: That’s sad. I really liked him on the show.
Myn: Wow. looks like every single summer movie bought a spot in this show.
EJ: Everything but Batman. Summer’s all about Wall*E and Batman...
10:14 PM By the way, my sister firmly believes that Sacha Baron Cohen’s character in Talladega Nights is based on Helio Castroneves.
Myn: Wow. That is a bold statement!
10:15 PM EJ: But now that she’s said it, I can’t not think it.
Myn: This Wipeout show looks kind of awesomely bad. And it’s a giant ripoff.
10:16 PM EJ: But, you know, people get hurt. So there’s that.
Myn: Marissa & Tony’s Paso. That can’t hurt anyone!
EJ: OK, I’m going to be mean, if I may.
Myn: please…
10:17 PM EJ: How is it that of everybody who’s come on this show and talked about how much weight they lost, Marissa made it to fourth place and, you know, didn’t?
I’ll show myself out.
Myn: We could just call her Hurley…
10:18 PM EJ: Wow, that’s way meaner. I feel better now.
Myn: Yeah, It didn’t really come out the way I meant it. Sorry, Marissa. Do the men think the waxing makes them more aerodynamic?
EJ: Well, Tony admires seals…
10:19 PM Myn: Yes, the girls love Jason because he’s a gentleman. Or because he’s got arms the size of Texas. One or the other.
You know, he gets manis & pedis. Said so in People.
EJ: Jason?
10:20 PM Myn: Yes. And possibly Tony. But not Hurley.
Hee–that two shot of Jason & Kristi is great!
EJ: Jason does not have that grizzled look that I associate with people who get knocked over for a living.
10:21 PM The height differential is so huge — it’s like they’re different species.
Myn: I like how Tom has this disdain for the trophy. One more reason that I love him.
EJ: He’s so public about it, too.
10:22 PM Myn: Usher doing “Yeah!” I really hope Little John doesn’t show up with his crunk cup.
EJ: That would be a weird turn, I have to say.
Myn: Well, he is in the song.
10:23 PM Usher is a great showman, you have to give him that.
EJ: Wow, his pantomime is making me crazy. “I said ‘far’, so I’m going to put my hand to my forehead as if I’m looking into the distance.”
Myn: He’s like a much more heterosexual version of MJ in his prime. But, also, one half of Shields and Yarnell.
EJ: He’s got kind of a huckster quality to him.
10:24 P
EJ: Like, he could be selling baldness cures at the county fair and he’s probably be awesome at it.
Myn: That’s the plot of Pete’s Dragon, I believe.
Myn: Hucksters, Pete’s Dragon and Shields and Yarnell. We just lost everyone under 40, didn’t we?EJ: I think so. I was already committed to my huckster talk, so I had to let Shields and Yarnell slide by.
Myn: Hucksters, Pete’s Dragon and Shields and Yarnell. We just lost everyone under 40, didn’t we?EJ: I think so. I was already committed to my huckster talk, so I had to let Shields and Yarnell slide by.
10:25 PM I kind of wish I could pull off a white suit like that, though.
Myn: The girls costumes for this Usher routine are very 80’s with the body suits and the blazers with tails.
They just needed frilly anklet socks.
10:26 PM EJ: This show needs more anklets in general. Sure, Edyta keeps the legwarmers alive…
Myn: I think we should start a petition.
Also, let’s add Gummi bracelets.
10:27 PM EJ: “Dear Dancing With the Stars: It has come to our attentions that there is a shocking lack of anklets on your show. We, the undersigned….”
10:28 PM I seem to remember the 80’s as being a time when the Coca-Cola logo emblazoned things it had no business emblazoning.
Myn: Yes, it also does that now; Its called “American Idol”
Myn: Yes, it also does that now; Its called “American Idol”
EJ: Ha!