25 Days of Christmas Episodes – Day 13 – Mystery Science Theater 3000 “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”
Everybody reads their Christmas essays, and they all go wrong. Tom berates the Elves for poor marketing. Crow imagines “Christmas in Space”, which has Santa Claus exploding in the vacuum. Joel’s story of a 1970’s office party goes wrong brings everybody down, and then Gypsy opens her mouth to reveal a nativity scene. (It’s not as weird as it sounds.) The depression finally comes to an end with everybody exchanging gifts and Joel reading a surprisingly touching letter from a viewer.
And then there’s the movie within the show. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is pretty much exactly what the name suggests, only without the conquering. But both Santa Claus and Martians are important to the story. Long story short, the Martians abduct Santa Clause to cheer up their children. They also pick up a couple of Earth children. There’s a mutiny, the cheapest robot costume ever, an even cheaper polar bear costume, and idiocy all around. In particular, there’s the painful mugging of Droppo, “the laziest man on Mars”. You can tell they really thought kids would go nuts over Droppo. It turns out, kids did not.
Best Line – Crow, when asked what he wants for Christmas: “I want to decide who lives and who dies.”
Christmas Tropes:
Santa Claus – Well, that should be obvious. The real Santa Claus is key to the movie, and he teaches the Martians about the true meaning of Christmas. Actually, he teaches them about how important it is for children to laugh, which is sort of lame actually.
Gifts – The ‘Bots all have presents in their stockings. Gypsy gets a picture of Richard Basehart, Tom’s got a whole stocking full of small toys, and Crow’s giant stocking is full of mismatched sports equipment. There’s a viewer letter in Joel’s sock, too. Back at Deep 13, the Mads present a twist on O. Henry. Frank gives Dr. Forrester a new watchband, only Frank sold Dr. F.’s Rolex to buy it. Forrester gives Frank a copy of the suicide manual Final Exit, which he bought by selling Frank’s plasma.
Learning a lesson – Kids need to laugh? Mechanization is inherently evil? Don’t trust a Martian with a mustache? Something, I guess.
Caroling – “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” has this covered. The only Christmas carol ever to incorporate the word “bastards”.
Nativity Scene – As mentioned above, it’s in Gypsy’s mouth.
Celebrity Guest – A very young Pia Zadora plays a Martian girl. It’s riveting.
Cheer-o-meter Score: The actual movie is unrelentingly depressing. It’s not trying to be, but between the awful acting, the poorly-designed costumes, and the incessant mincing and mugging of Dropo, the laziest man on Mars. However, the SOL scenes are funny and mostly lead up to some sweet moments. More importantly, my siblings and I watched this episode every year for a good part of the 90’s. I have no choice but to give this one a 10.
