The 25 Days of Christmas Episodes – Day 11 – South Park “Woodland Critter Christmas” (Dec 11)
It gets worse when Stan returns and the Critters explain that they worship Satan, and Porcupiney is giving birth to the Antichrist. They sacrifice Rabbity on a stone altar by way of celebration, and then there’s a, well, “Blood Orgy.”
The narration forces Stan to try and talk the Critters out of birthing the Son of the Beast. They’re pretty set in their ways, though, and ask Stan to be their human host, as they need an “unbaptized heathen”. Stan tells them he’s a Christian, and decides to train the Mountain Lion cubs to attack the Critters and stave off apocalypse.
His relationship with the narrator grows increasingly contentious as he is directed to bring the cubs to, well, an abortion clinic. (Oh, come on. You stuck with it through “Blood Orgy”.) They cubs learn some valuable lessons, and as this is going on, the Critters meet Kyle, who’s alone on Christmas Eve because he’s Jewish. Being unbaptized, he’s perfect for their plans.
At this point, it’s best to mention that this episode turns out to be a story written by Cartman. That reveal actually comes a little later, but it’s probably best that you don’t think I’m implying that “Jewish” is a synonym for “unbaptized heathen”.
Stan and the cubs get back from the abortion clinic too late to stop the birth of the Antichrist, and the Critters have Kyle tied to their altar. Luckily, Santa shows up and starts massacring Critters with a 12-gauge. The crisis is averted until Kyle decides that he wants to be the host body. (Remember, Cartman wrote it!)
Luckily, Stan saves Kyle from the wrath of Santa, by suggesting that the cubs, uh, perform an abortion. With Christmas saved, Santa resurrects the Mountain Lion and Stan has a Merry Christmas. And then Kyle dies of AIDS.
Best Line –Deery the Deer: “Think about it. You don’t really think that God would have sex with a porcupine, do you?”
Christmas Tropes:
Santa Claus – Dude, this is the best Santa ever. This Santa is packing heat!
Decorating the tree – That’s how this whole mess begins, with the Critters decorating their tree.
Musical number – The Critters are willing to sing “Woodland Critter Christmas” at the drop of a hat. For his part, the narrator throws in a song or two.
All a Dream – Well, a story technically, but that’s good enough. It’s a Christmas tradition going all the way back to A Christmas Carol to have a holiday story turn out to be a dream or some imagining of the characters involved. The way I remember it, this was how every Christmas special ended in the 80’s.
Learning a lesson – It’s best not to get involved in centuries-old battles between Good and Evil.
Cheer-o-meter Score: I’ll be honest with you – this episode makes me laugh really hard, but it’s filthy. It gets a 3 for that.
