The Amazing Race – Bringing up the Rear: Season 13, Episode 9 (Dec 1)
Ken and Tina get their tickets, and Team Eeyore finally leaves at 12:41 AM. Man, they really were behind, weren’t they? Hilariously, they leave the Pit Stop wearing hotel slippers. Dan refuses to pay the full prize for the taxi, because he’s a tool. After some ribbing from the other teams, they spend a big wad of cash ($160) on new sneakers. I’m sure that won’t come back to bite them at all, right?
Come morning, everybody boards the same flight. Right away, Team Eeyore gets a taxi, but finds it will take almost all their money. I don’t know if that’s true because their available cash has been expressed in one form of currency, then they bought shoes in a second form, and the taxi price is quoted in a third. Two different taxi drivers flat out stop their cabs and leave to ask for directions. Team Wolf Too and the Spanglers are the first to get to church. The clue tells them to take a taxi to the outskirts of Moscow and find a decommissioned military camp. Team Wolf Too talks about how expensive the cabs are, which I’m sure is welcome news to Eeyore.
Team Eeyore and Ken and Tina show up at the church at the same time. Shortly thereafter, Team Wolf Too is first to reach the clue box for the Detour. The Spanglers’ driver asks if they have somebody who can translate for them. Of course, he asks in Russian which doesn’t help at all. He is also smoking the longest cigarette I’ve ever seen.
Miraculously, Team Eeyore is the second team to reach the Detour. Followed almost immediately by Ken and Tina. This leaves the Spanglers sucking wind for the first time this season. Starr especially does not take it well.
Detour – “Boots or Borscht” For either option, they have to don a proper military uniform, and Phil emphasizes the “traditional footwraps”. In “Boots”, they learn a traditional Parade march, and must then perform it with a troop, to the satisfaction of a drill sergeant. Recommended for those with stamina and coordination, so, not me then. In “Borscht”, they must serve the aforementioned soup to 75 soldiers. If they’re sloppy, they “may have to repeat part of the task”.
Team Wolf Too chooses “Boots”, as does Team Eeyore. (Andrew has six years of marching band experience. Anybody surprised by that? Wait, six years? Is he going for his doctorate in marching?) Ken and Tina also pick “Boots”.
Toni and Dallas join their squad, and seem to catch on pretty quickly. Eeyore has problems figuring out the foot wrappings, and eventually scream girlishly at one another. Dan thinks they made a bad decision, and they actually change detours because they can’t manipulate fabric properly. And yes, there is a man standing there giving demonstrations.
Team Wolf Too finishes the Detour just before the Spanglers even get there. They have to head to a bakery for their next clue. The Spanglers choose “Boots”, and run into Team Eeyore, who are stripping off their uniforms to switch to “Borscht”. Only the clue says that they have to wear the military uniform for either option. They take this setback with their customary good humor, as I’m sure you can imagine.
Nick and Starr march well, but based on the nametags, they’re wearing each other’s uniforms! How is it possible to screw that up? It doesn’t matter, because they pass. Right about then, Eeyore finally figure out socks, and they elect to go back to the “Boots” detour. So they’ve been farting around with their outfits long enough for two other teams to arrive and complete the Detour. Man, these guys are hammerheads.
This continues with their incompetent marching. Both of them are out of step, with Dan hilariously so. He looks like he’s doing an intricate parody of marching. (I try not to horn in on your recaps of this show, but I must interject to say what Dan looked like to me: a member of the Lollipop Guild in The Wizard of Oz’s Munchkin Land. Also, a marionette from that one scene in The Sound Of Music.–Myndi) The brass band is actually visibly laughing at them. Dan keeps telling us that he’s not coordinated. Too bad they didn’t have another option, right? Oh, wait. After six onscreen failures, they switch to “Borscht”. They manage not to screw it up, even though the soldiers are kind of laughing at them.
Team Wolf Too finds the bakery first, and thus, the Roadblock.
Roadblock – “Who has a strong back?” They join the working class by unloading 50 fifty-pound bags of flour from a truck, and stack them inside the bakery. So this one’s just repetition and brute force. I’m kind of excited, because I worked at a bakery for years, and I’ve unloaded many a delivery truck. I would rock on this Roadblock!
Dallas takes this one, and takes the sacks two at a time. Hmmm. Fewer trips, but twice the back strain. That’s risky. What I would do is spend some time in the truck and get all 50 sacks to the very back of the trailer. That way, you don’t have to run up and down the ramp, which shortens each trip considerably and makes it easier to carry two at a time. Ken and Tina show up, and Big Ken takes it. Ken’s carrying them effortlessly, while Dallas is starting to fall apart. He eats up Dallas’ lead pretty quickly. Yeah, I don’t want to be up against a former NFL player in an endurance test. Dallas wins it by eight bags, but considering he had more than twenty delivered before Ken even started, you can see the pretty clear discrepancy there. They are directed to the Pit Stop, located in a “Fun Garden”. Ken finishes shortly thereafter and looks about 1% as exhausted as Dallas.
Nick and Starr finally arrive and dismiss their cab driver. They’ll take their chances on finding a new one rather than trust this guy again. Nick takes the Roadblock, which should be entertaining. The stout bakery lady even tells the camera that “He’s not fit”. A guy who can accidentally wear his sister’s clothes isn’t going to blow anybody’s mind on this one. He quickly switches to one bag at a time. He still finishes before Team Eeyore even arrives. Holy crap, they spent forever on their Detour.
Dan takes it, and starts off carrying one bag at a time. And he’s clutching it to his chest with both arms. Not only does it make him look like a spaz, he’s going to end up straining himself unnecessarily. Nick and Starr have trouble getting a cab, but I think it’s edited to add tension since they’re nowhere in the area when Team Eeyore is actually working on the Roadblock. Of course, the scenery is different every time we see the Spanglers, so they seem to be embarking on an epic Taxi Quest. I half expect to see volcanoes in the background.
By the way, Dan thinks he’s doing the Roadblock faster than anybody else. First off, one bag of flour at a time. Second, does he really think he can beat Ken or Dallas on a strength task? Andrew tells us what a stud Dan is. Get a room, you two! Editing has us believe the Spanglers get a cab after Eeyore finishes. And then that cab driver doesn’t know where he’s going, so they bail and find a new guy.
Eeyore doesn’t think they have enough to pay their cab driver, but they also thinks he looks like a pretty understanding guy. Hey, they should tell him they don’t have any money before the ride ends, just to be sure.
The Pit Stop – As is common this season, the teams have a bugger of a time actually finding the Pit Stop once they get to the right location. Team Wolf Too breaks tradition by coming in first. They win a trip to the Dominican Republic from the good people at Travelocity. (Want to know something weird? Word spell check knows the word “Travelocity”.) Ken and Tina are (seemingly) a close second.
Starr’s freaking out in the cab because everything isn’t going her way for a change. Yeah, she’s that girl. The Spanglers finally get there and can’t find the Pit Stop. Team Eeyore can’t pay their can driver, and he’s not letting them leave. Finally, Dan, after offering his shoes, offers more money. Wait, what? He actually had more money and was trying to stiff his driver? What a douche! Man, I hate that guy.
Nick and Starr are the third team to the mat, and Team Eeyore does appear to be significantly behind, based on the position of the sun. Yes! We’re done with them! Wait, no, it’s a non-elimination leg! Dammit! Why couldn’t we have one of those, oh, back on the third leg? I really thought our long national nightmare was over. They’re still in it, but they have a Speed Bump for the next leg.
Their voiceover tells us that they’re “low on money”. Shouldn’t they be out of money, based on not paying their driver the full fare? So they lied to the driver, then they lied again when they produced some more money. OK, I hate these guys so much that my hate has actually taken physical form and will be sitting next to me while I watch the show. I may actually have to feed and clothe my hate, so large is it.
Next week, one team loses their money and passports. I know who I’m hoping for!
