The Amazing Race – Bringing Up the Rear: Season 13, Episodes 10 and 11
Nick and Starr are the third to leave. Wait, is that right? For the first time since I took over recapping this season, people leave the Pit Stop before they do. Starr, to nobody’s surprise, explains that she has a hard time when things don’t go her way. You know, I really don’t understand the lifestyle of pretty girls at all. I have a friend who is a pretty girl, and it’s a whole different world. A world wherein people try to start conversations with you. A world in which people buy you drinks, and you can upend their daily business just by returning a smile. It’s very weird, really.
Finally, Andrew and Dan leave. What a relief, right? They interview about how they’re doing a bad job, but they’re actually awesome. Sure. Anyway, the first three teams arrive at the submarine at the same time, and they tear through, you know, an actual submarine. Man, there is no part of this show that isn’t awesome. Years down the line, Andrew and Dan are going to realize that they got do a lot of really cool things, and they pissed and moaned their way through them.
All three teams find the officer at the same time, since it seems to be a fairly small area to search, with mostly narrow hallways. A lot of single-file running in there. The clue sends them to the Graveyard of Fallen Monuments. As they run, Toni is starting to flag and needs some water. Team Eeyore arrive at the submarine, and Andrew can’t stop giggling. You know he just now got that “What’s long, hard, and full of seamen?” joke.
A traffic jam slows everybody down, and Tina isn’t too thrilled with their cab driver, who is smoking as he drives. For some reason, I assume that all Russians smoke. I’m not sure why that is, though. Nick and Starr are the first to the Roadblock, Toni and Dallas are a fairly close second. Ken and Tina argue about whether or not Ken should point (seriously), and Team Eeyore ends up at the wrong park. They tell us there are two parks with the same name. Sure there are. Moscow just happens to have two Graveyards of Fallen Monuments.
Roadblock: “Who’s good at solving mysteries?” One Racer has to search the Graveyard for sculptures of Lenin and Stalin. Total Lenins are the first digit, Stalins are the 2nd. They take a cab to a bookstore, tell the proprietor their number (which should be 62). If they’re right, she gives them a book, and they check page 62 which will lead them to the apartment of the author, Mikhail Bulgakov. And yes, this means the guy put directions to his apartment in a book. Brian Wilson, no kidding, wrote and recorded a song that consisted of directions to his house, so I guess it’s not unprecedented. Anyway, if they’re wrong, they have to wait ten minutes before they can guess again.
Also, the clue gives them the Cyrillic spellings for the names of Lenin and Stalin, to make identification easier. Really though, those are two pretty distinctive faces. I wouldn’t think it would be that hard. Let’s see if somebody can prove me wrong.
Nick takes the Roadblock and immediately starts trying to work out minor differences between the two men. “Stalin has a bigger nose”. Also, you know, Lenin is bald and has a pointy goatee. Those might be helpful things to note, too. Dallas takes it for his team, and explains he has no idea what either man looks like. Really? To me, this seems like common knowledge, but maybe I have a weird surplus of knowledge about Russian history. Nick comes up with the correct counts and heads to the bookstore. Shortly thereafter, Ken and Tina arrive, and Tina takes it. They manage to fight about whether or not Tina should wear a hood. You know, I think these two just like to fight.
By the way, Nick and Starr steal Ken and Tina’s cab. Nick explains that he’s fine with it if it sets them back “an hour or two”. I think he drastically overestimates how hard it is to find a cab. Tina foreshadows the second act by telling Ken that she has her “money and passport”. Dallas manages to get Lenin and Stalin completely confused, even though they look nothing alike.
Nick reaches the bookstore and presents the correct number. Dallas still has the two confused, and also miscounted. He’s got 6 Lenins 3 Stalins, but he counted at least one Stalin as a Lenin, and vice versa. Plus, he counted another famous Russian as well. Probably Baryshnikov. By the time he gets to the bookstore, he manages to flip the numbers to get 36. So he miscounted, confused the two men, and read the clue incorrectly. Hat trick! When his ten minutes are up, he guesses 46, which is even less right. Tina has 52, but she allows that it may be 62, as there’s an “iffy Lenin”.
Nick meets Starr at the clue box, which directs them to a park, where they will look for a woman with a Shetland Pony. Horsies! Their cabdriver knows right where it is. Well, of course. Everything’s coming up Spangler!
Andrew takes the Roadblock, while Tina arrives and guesses 52. In the cab, Nick wonders if he should draw a picture of a horse. You know, I don’t think the driver is going to drive through the park looking for your pony. At some point, you’ll have to walk. Anyway, Starr thinks the clue might refer to a ponytail. Nick explains that a Shetland Pony is an actual horse, which is pretty funny. They find their pony in short order and get the clue for their Detour.
Andrew asks the cab driver to help him find the statues, because he sucks. Even with help, he comes up with only one Stalin. Tina and Dallas start comparing notes on statues, because, you know, when two people who are wrong put their heads together, great things happen. Tina convinces Dallas to try 63. When that’s wrong, she goes in with 62. To her credit, on the way out, she confirms the right number with Dallas. On his next try, he gets it right and heads to the apartment.
And now comes the part that will break your heart. Dallas leaves his cab with his money and passport still inside! He knows it too, as soon as the cab drives away, he tries to chase it down. Dallas explains it to Toni as they open their clue, and D-Bag Dan smirks like he got a 2-for-1 sale at the Jerk Store. Man! I feel like it should be legal to throw small objects at Dan if you see him on the street. Nothing that’ll do any damage, but loose change, batteries, maybe the last bite of a hot dog… whatever’s handy.
Unlike 90% of the teams who’ve ever been on this show, Toni and Dallas keep their cool and try to figure out their next move. Meanwhile, Tina chides Ken for not being more positive. Man, if one of them lost the team’s money, there would be an actual murder on this show. Toni and Dallas find some friendly pedestrians who give them directions and some cash. Given that a subway costs about 1/20th as much as a cab, they choose to go that route
Andrew shows up with 61, and gets shot down. He is totally going to cry in this scene. On the second try, he gets it right, and then assumes that the author named “Mikhail” is a woman. Toni and Dallas arrive at the park and find the pony, still calm and functional. Dan and Andrew also arrive and get to the pony first. The woman won’t give Toni and Dallas their clue, because they’re required to travel by taxi. Because they totally need another setback today. And Team Eeyore gets their Speed Bump.
Even more friendly Muscovites give Toni and Dallas money and show them which bus they need to take to get to their starting point. Toni is really overwhelmed at this gesture. Finally they get their clue and choose to ride the lines.
Detour: “Ride the Rails or Ride the Lines” – In “Ride the Rails”, they take a train to a snack cart, where they will get a pastry wrapped in a clue. That clue leads them to another train ride, after which they search for a statue dedicated to the creators of the Cyrillic alphabet, and you just know that statue gets mocked by the statues of war heroes all the time. They, they’ll find a little old lady who will give them a picture of their destination in exchange for the pastry. In “Ride the Lines”, they take a trolley to a key maker, who’ll give them the key to a storage locker. They take another trolley to the train station and look for the locker which contains their clue.
Nick and Starr elect to ride the rails. They think it’ll be easy since Nick’s a New Yorker and knows his way around the subway. Sure enough, the map makes sense to him, even though it’s in Cyrillic. To me, the entire Cyrillic alphabet seems to consist of the letter “N”. Ken and Tina get their clue, and Ken is upset that Tina helped Dallas, but considering that they sort of worked together to eliminate the wrong answers, I don’t think he’s got a leg to stand on.
Ken and Tina choose to ride the lines. Nick and Starr find the snack shop, get their pastry, and mispronounce “Cyrillic” in short order. Ken and Tina get on what they think is a trolley, but is actually just a regular bus. Whoops! Nick and Starr find their statue and give a pastry to the old woman. She gives them their postcard, and they’re off.
Tina and Ken take a cab back to their starting point to get a trolley. There’s a lot of backtracking this season, isn’t there? Both Toni and Dallas and Ken and Tina get on their correct forms of transportation. (The preceding sentence is brought to you by the Committee for Awkward Sentence Structure.) Nick and Starr find the final clue box which directs them to make their way on foot to the last Pit Stop.
Ken and Tina find the key maker (wouldn’t it have been awesome if they’d been asked to find a gate keeper as well? Just me? –Myndi), and get on their trolley. They find their locker, and then it’s another trolley ride. It turns out, multiple crosstown trips aren’t very interesting to recap.
Toni and Dallas, probably through the cunning tactic of being super nice, manage to raise some more money from friendly Russians. Friendly Russians? Was all of that 80’s propaganda incorrect? Was I lied to as a child? Damn you, Rocky IV! These two just plug away, and stay calm and understanding, and I want to have them both over for dinner.
Speed Bump: Team Eeyore must learn a dance and perform it with a group to the satisfaction of their instructor. Remember Dan trying to march? Yeah, this should be good. Dan immediately starts out by circling the dancers and making some spastic motions that look like he’s actually trying to mock them. Of course, given what we know of his rhythm, that may really be an earnest attempt on his part. Neither would surprise me. Their first attempt is met with rejection.
Their second attempt actually features some argument as to whether they should be emulating the male or female dancers. Look, if you two don’t have it figured out by now… They get their clue after what seems to be the second try, even though Dan is still grossly out of step and in one bit is waving the wrong arm. Still, they find their pony and choose to ride the lines. They get on the trolley, and for like the hundredth time this season, they refer to themselves as “white”. What’s the deal with that? All they need is another unflattering quality at this point. Sadly, they get on the right trolley and find the key maker. After another ride, they miss the clue box on their first try, but eventually find it.
Pit Stop: Nick and Starr set the universe right by winning another leg and winning a trip to Anguila. That’s right, these two have won so many trips that Phil has to start making up countries. Andrew and Dan make it to second place, which is not something I thought would ever happen. Ken and Tina arrive there just a second later, but they never actually picked up the clue that told them to go to the Pit Stop, so Phil sends them back.
Ken and Tina do not have an easy time finding the clue box, but after what seems like a pretty significant time, they find it and are the third team to the mat. Finally, Phil shows up and meets Toni and Dallas before they finish the leg. Since three teams have already checked in (and possibly because they don’t have an easy way to get Dallas out of the country without a passport), they are eliminated. These two take it so well that it will absolutely break you heart. You know what? Toni and Dallas are a class act. They’re awesome. And now I’m going to have a good cry on their behalf.
Next: Dammit! Team Eeyore is in the final leg? Not only does it mean I need to watch these two for another week, but there’s actually a chance they may win! So this means I’ll be spending Sunday night with a knot in my stomach, occasionally hurling obscenities at the TV. It’s like the Weavers or Mirna (during the All-Star season) all over again. People I hate shouldn’t be in the Final Three!
If there’s any consolation, it’s that, so far, Andrew and Dan have sucked at everything. With any luck, they’ll manage to lock themselves in a storage closet and spend the final leg stumbling about in the dark. Literally, I mean. Not the metaphorical stumbling which they’ve been doing all season.
See you for the Finals! Me and my hate are ready and rarin’ to go. And since these recaps are ridiculously late, you can catch up with us exactly one line down…
Previously on The Amazing Race: See above.
Starting the Race: Hey, you know how this show almost always starts late because of sports? This means I usually see a big hunk of 60 Minutes on my DVR. Did anybody else see Andy Rooney a couple weeks back, where he talked about how he steals rolls from restaurants to eat for breakfast the next day? I can’t decide if that’s sad, hilarious, or both. (I saw it, and can’t believe they still let this man talk on TV. He’s clearly gone ’round the bend.–Myndi)
We get a rapid montage of the whole season. Hi, Mark and Bill! Can any other Racers, past or present, honestly say that they’ve name-dropped Ambush Bug in an interview? No, no they can not. Some of these clips are pretty great, by the way. Dan’s marching will never not be funny.
Nick and Starr once again are the first to depart, and this time they’re headed to Portland, Oregon. That’s in America! They are bright and cheerful, and they get a flight at 7:05 AM. As Dan and Andrew depart, they tell us that people have been underestimating them. Oh, I really don’t think that’s the case. I think that’s more of an honest assessment. Dan gets crazy bitchy with Andrew when they’re assessing their flight options – I think these two have pretty much had it with one another. Ken and Tina depart in third place, but everybody ends up on the same flight.
Starr and Nick research their destination online, and also stop to check out spunkybean, no doubt. (I have it on good authority that I just made up, that they were huge fans of the Big Brother recaps. “Oh, that Ollie,” they no doubt say to each other. “Will he ever learn?”) Dan trots out a bunch of sports metaphors to express the fact that they are in the finals. Once the flight lands, it’s a mad dash through the airport. Having recently been on a long flight, I’m actually impressed at how they’re able to run so quickly after flying halfway around the world. That’s some serious cramping time right there.
Nick and Starr are in the lead, and happy about it. Team Eeyore is openly laughing at their cabdriver, apparently forgetting that they are now in a place where people speak English and everybody can tell when they’re being buttholes. Still, their driver isn’t sure where to go, which makes him a great American, in my opinion. A wrong turn means that Ken and Tina are the first to the Detour.
Nick and Starr follow quickly, and Team Eeyore meanders aimlessly possibly because their cab driver hates them. He actually seems to pass the correct street multiple times. Just goes to show you, there’s an element of luck involved, but there’s also the important “Don’t be an ass” factor.
Detour: “High and Dry or Low and Wet” In “High and Dry”, each team member must climb a 30-foot tree, cross a 40-foot horizontal log, and then jump for a trapeze bar to retrieve half of a clue. In “Low and Wet”, the producers apparently decided that the other Detour was much more visually interesting, so they also made it obviously the quicker of the two challenges. Thus, “Low and Wet” sits alone, unloved.
Ken and Tina choose “High and Dry”, as do the Spanglers. You know, I realize they have safety gear and all, but that’s a long climb to walk out on a pretty narrow log. That would certainly give me pause. Ken and Nick go first for their respective teams. They blaze through it without difficulty. Nick’s advice to Starr is to “be a monkey”. That’s all well and good, Nick, but I don’t see how poo-flinging is going to all that helpful right now.
Tina’s having a lot of problems with her helmet, which refuses to stay on. It does make sense that she’d want to adjust it, since it’s on a strap around her neck. Carrying a helmet by your neck doesn’t seem like it would make this any easier. Starr is significantly faster than Tina. Man, those Spanglers are genetic freaks, aren’t they. I think their parents must be Batman and Miss America 1977.
More helmet fussing by Tina, as Starr monkeys her way across that log like she was born on a balance beam, bringing them back to first place. They get directions to head to “The Bridge of the Gods” and take a zipline to their next clue. Tina’s panicking a little, and Ken keeps yelling “Don’t look down”. You know, nothing reminds people they’re up high than a far-off voice beseeching them not to look down. She freezes up big-time at the end of the log. It does seem like that jump would be scary, in all fairness. She pauses for almost exactly two minutes, and then jumps right after the commercials. It was considerate of her to wait like that, wasn’t it?
Finally, Dan and Andrew make it to the Detour and also choose “High and Dry”. In the cab, Ken and Tina both bust out a Dr. Evil impression. Hey, back when we interviewed Mark and Bill, I asked when this season was shot, and they weren’t allowed to tell us. Well, we have our answer now: 1999.
Ken and Tina take first place on the cab ride over to the bridge, and Tina is still afraid of heights. Team Eeyore seemingly gets through the Detour quickly, but only because we just see them at the very end of the task. What I can only assume was twenty minutes of passive-aggressive sniping were edited out, I guess. Ken and Tina finish the zipline first, with the Spanglers close behind. And that brings them to the Final Task.
By the way, the shots from Starr’s zipline camera are brought to you by Cleavage Cam.
Final Task: “How Much Do You Remember?” OK, this is pretty cool. Each team has a board with one slot for each leg of the race. In numerical order, they’ll go through them. Each slot has a symbol for either Roadblock, Detour, Route Info, or Pit Stop. They will then search through a field of 150 clue boxes to find a picture that corresponds to that particular item for that leg. In other words, this is pretty heavy test of memory. Especially since “Route Info” often includes things that seem like a Detour. Oh, it seems both Racers on the team must go to the clue boxes together, so no splitting up. This is going to be tough, and also hard to recap.
Leg 1 is Route Info, which means pushing the coffee cart in Brazil. Ken and Tina incorrectly find the Detour for that leg. They find the right picture right when Nick and Starr start the task. Leg 2 is the Detour, where they pushed the boat across the beach. Technically, I guess it could be either of the Detour options (making this potentially even harder), but that’s what they show us. Going into Leg 3, Ken and Tina have a 2-0 lead over the Spanglers.
Leg 3 is the Roadblock, which would be the wrestling task where spunkybuddy Mark donned the most awesome wrestling outfit of all time. Nick and Starr, still working on the first leg, grab the wrong picture. (Insert short scene of Team Eeyore lagging behind and talking down to their cab driver.)
Nick and Starr find their first card as Ken and Tina find the third. Leg 4 is the Pit Stop in New Zealand, where we met Phil’s father. Ken and Tina seem to not get that they’re looking for the Pit Stop, and instead think they need Route Info. And then they start fighting about their need to move faster. The Spanglers get their second picture, and then the third, finally shifting into Wonder Twin mode.
They don’t even show us Leg 5, instead electing to use more cab footage of Dan and Andrew. For Leg 6, they need Route Info, which would be the Ambassador Hotel. Starr knows this right off the top of her head, and Tina actually vetos the right picture for their team. Up to Leg 8 for a Pit Stop, which was in Kazakhstan. Nick and Starr find a picture of the Russian hotel, which isn’t right. Nick comes briefly unhinged, rotating the picture to try again. Ken and Tina get this one first, and head into Route info for Leg 9 – the monastery. They find it first, and head into Leg 10 with a slight lead. It’s the Roadblock, which means counting the Lenin and Stalin heads. In all fairness, Tina might not immediately recognize a picture of Lenin and/or Stalin, since she sure couldn’t identify them last time.
Nick and Starr get their 9th picture, and now it’s a race for that last one. By the way, it doesn’t look like tricky editing here – I think they really are that close. Nick and Starr find the picture first, and the scoreboard nastily pauses for a couple of seconds. Nick completely evaporates in those three seconds, which is pretty hilarious.
The Spanglers get the final clue, which tells them to take a taxi to the Portland Building and find the Green Dinosaur. Damn, usually the memory game leads straight to the Pit Stop. You can see it in their faces, too. It never occurred to them that they’d have to do more stuff. Ken and Tina finish their tenth clue, and it’s a cab race!
Meanwhile, Team Eeyore is just now getting to the Memory Game. Dan says, “Obviously, they’re set up in a certain way. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.” Yes, Dan. Simply because they’re set up, it does indicate that they have to be set up in a certain way. I’m not sure how that helps you, though. “Yes, these things are set up in the way in which they are set up. This’ll be easy!”
The cab drivers don’t seem confident as to where the Portland Building is. That’s one of those things that’s probably known by a different name to the locals, really. I mean, they live in Portland. All of their buildings are Portland buildings. The cabs suddenly go in different direction, which worries both teams. Nick and Starr get there first and see the green dinosaur in the window, two floors up.
Now, they have to head on foot to a line of food carts, and find the one from the country of their last pit stop, Russia. Ken and Tina arrive, but start walking around the building and end up in City Hall. Ken and Tina find their clue as the Spanglers find the carts. They were all concerned about remembering what the Russian flag looked like, but the cart is actually labeled “Russian Food”. Hee.
They get their clue, which tells them to travel on foot to “Where the magic is in the hole”, the slogan for a shop called “Voodoo Doughnut”. Starr immediately starts asking people if they know where magic is in the hole, which sounds absolutely filthy. Of course, the fact that Starr is a pretty girl makes it hilarious. A helpful fellow directs them to Voodoo Doughnut. Ken and Tina find the cart shortly thereafter. The lady who was sitting there when the Spanglers arrived tells them about Voodoo Doughnut, and assures them that Nick and Starr went “the long way”.
It turns out, either that lady was wrong, or the Spanglers are crazy fast, because they get there first. The clue tells them to take a taxi to the Pit Stop. Ken and Tina seem to be close behind. A sign in the background advertises gas for $3.09. Remember those days? That sucked. Ken offers a man $50 to get out of his taxi, and he wants none of it. Nick and Starr get their cab first and offer their driver a $70 bonus. He seems concerned at first, because they’re kind of falling apart. Starr says it’s “Life or death”, which, well, not so much.
Ken and Tina pray in the cab. And while my own view of the universe is such that God has more important things to do than determine the outcome of reality shows, I also can’t help but feel that He’s on Team Spangler at this point. Those kids have it all, man!
Hey, everybody’s waiting at the Pit Stop. Hi, Mark and Bill! Mark’s wearing his Stray Bullets shirt from the opening, and once again I lament all the nerd references that went unused due to their early exit. The Spangler. Congratulations, Nick and Starr! You are the winners of The Amazing Race. Yay! You know, I didn’t get on board with them initially, just because they were so obviously front-runners from the very beginning. I need an underdog to come from behind to really win my sympathy. That said, I really found myself rooting for them over the last couple of legs, and they seem like nice people. Good for them!
By the way, Toni and Dallas? Not at the Pit Stop. That lost passport slowed them down. I read an interview online, and they did eventually get back to America, but not right away. So don’t worry, they’re not in a Soviet prison camp for attempting to introduce the Russian people to Coca-Cola. (Everything I know about Russia comes from 1980’s action movies.)
Ken and Tina come in second, and everybody seems excited for them. Ken feels like they’ve really reconnected, and in an emotional moment, Ken gives Tina a ring, and those two are just openly weeping. You know what, as much as they bickered, I’d really like to see them work out their relationship.
Team Eeyore finally comes in, and they don’t tell us how long it’s been or even if they got mercy ruled to the Pit Stop. Everybody cheers, which just means they haven’t actually watched this season’s episode yet. They claim that any frat guy would be proud of their performance, but frat guys are basically proud when you manage to not choke on your vomit, so there’s that.
All right, that’s the season! Thanks to everybody for reading the recaps, and thanks to Don for starting the season for me. Big thanks to the good people at CBS who set up our interview, and special giant thanks to Mark and Bill for taking the time to talk to us, and also for being both funny and awesome.
See you next season, which for my money, can’t get here soon enough!
