SUNDAY
Previously on Big Brother: Renny went home and Keesha was sad. Jerry half-assedly tried to break up the Dan/Memphis/Keesha alliance. Dan won Head of Household, and then there was a Sumo wrestler sitting in the living room. Yeah, it got weird.
We see a flashback of Renny leaving, then Keesha is sad in the Diary Room and Jerry pisses and moans about not sending Dan home. Dan thinks Renny was unbeatable in the Final Two. I guess she didn’t hose anybody, but I’m not sure people love her as much as they want us to believe.
After Dan’s win, Memphis is worried that Dan’s going to get a wild hair and put him on the block again. I will probably say this a hundred times, but nominations don’t matter when you hit Final Four. The person who wins the Veto determines who goes home, regardless of the nominations, unless we are talking about Marcellas in Season Three. There’s no point in stressing about nominations this week.
All right, back to the Sumo. Their reactions are kind of hilarious. Keesha seems frightened, Memphis is amused, and Dan sort of conveys the impression that, well, why wouldn’t there be a Sumo wrestler. My favorite is Dan asking “Can we touch him?” I’m not sure what answer he expected, or why he wanted to touch the man, but there you have it. After a while, Memphis says to nobody in particular “I don’t really know what to do”, and I suppose there is a point when having an unresponsive Sumo wrestler sit around the living room goes from hilarious to annoying.
The Sumo wrestler stands up, showing the camera the envelope he’s sitting on, and then sits down again. Periodically, he stands up and does Sumo moves, always accompanied by a gong sound effect, because we’re classy over here. Dan, of course, is the first one to notice the envelope, so he inches closer to the wrestler. Next time the man stands, Dan lunges over and grabs the envelope. By grabbing the envelope, he qualified them for a luxury competition. In the Diary Room, they all speculate. Jerry thinks they’re going to a tea house. Ah, luxury.
With the Sumo wrestler taking his leave, Dan and Memphis take a moment to giggle about how awesome they are. Then, Keesha, suddenly wearing crazy cat-eye glasses for no good reason, commiserates with the Renegades about how much it sucks to have Jerry in the house. They realize that they’re in trouble if Jerry wins the Veto, though Keesha seems a little worried that she’s actually the one sucking hind teat in the standings right now. (That’s an expression, right?)
In the yard, Jerry tells Memphis about how much he needs the money. “I have a couple of kids who need the help, but it’s not, you know, life threatening.” I hate that tactic. “You have to admit, I certainly have more need of money than you do. Whatever you’re going to do with your winnings, it’s probably frivolous compared to what I’d do.” Memphis seems unimpressed. Jerry then goes on to say that the Jury House told him “If a woman made it, they were going to vote for a woman”. Wait, what? When did the Jury House tell him this, exactly? And they blindly decided that they would vote for anybody who’s a woman? So April would vote for Keesha over any man? Somewhere, John McCain is trying to figure out how to tap into this estrogen-dependent voting ethic. What really makes me laugh is the way Jerry talks it out, as if it’s all just occurring to him. “So we would have to send (pause) Keesha home.” Like he ran through everybody in the house and tried to remember if they were women. You know Keesha? With the boobs? Yeah, she’s totally a woman, dude.
What follows is a weird scene that had some people up in arms. Because they haven’t seen TV or other human beings in 60 days, the houseguests have lost their minds. Memphis decides that a big spider living outside is their new pet. He names the spider “Ted”. So Memphis announces that he’s going to catch a moth for the spider. Keesha is upset about this. Dan shows up and, because he and Memphis become Beavis and Butthead at the slightest provocation, he’s into the idea. (Note: Memphis apparently believes that a spider spins a “net” to catch its prey.) The spider is unimpressed with their first moth, despite Memphis’ encouragement, so they try to catch another one. Keesha is really mad about the whole thing.
Now, I don’t approve of killing animals, unless they are delicious. However, this really is a “circle of life” kind of thing. Spiders eat moths. And if a moth landed on Keesha’s arm, I’m pretty sure she’d smack it without hesitation. So despite Memphis playing the role of Cornholio, I’m not sure this is anything to be particularly upset about.
Anyway, they catch a live moth, and that spider absolutely goes to town. See, in a nature fil, that would have been really cool. So I’m going with “not offended”.
Next, Dan invites everybody to see his HoH room, to the sound of crickets. Quick, somebody let Ted the Spider know. Oh, wait. These are comedy crickets, because nobody is around. Dan finally finds everybody outside and invites them up. Jerry is captivated by the fact that Dan looks heavy in his graduation picture. (Well, you know, he is wearing a robe.) He won’t shut up about how Dan used to be fat. Dan’s letter is from his parents this time. They’re “still” proud of him (I’m sure they don’t mean it that way, but it made me laugh.), and they sum up the houseguests: “Memphis is so cool, Keesha cracks me up, and even Jerry…” Ha! Those ellipses represent awkward silence. It’s the punctuation equivalent of the comedy crickets.
Night. The housemates are sleeping, and we see a bunch of insane props in the yard. An elephant, a giant hot dog, that sort of thing. There’s also a (real) female contortionist and a guy in a gorilla suit. You guys, this is going to be awesome! Gorilla suits are always funny. The gorilla goes into the house and heads for the Diary Room. The gorilla sits down to remove his mask. I can’t wait! Who’s wearing a gorilla suit? It’s like no matter who it is, it’s going to be hilarious.
It’s…..Jessie?
DAMN IT!
That sound you heard was my little heart breaking. I wanted hilarious antics, and instead, I got Jessie. Man, am I ever sad right now.
Even sadder is the ad for new Big Brother houseguests. They want me to go to their website to apply, but the voiceover asks: “Outgoing? Outspoken? Outrageous?” It turns out, I am none of those things. Big Brother wants no part of me. If only their ad asked “Introverted? Snide? Pasty?” I’d totally be in then.
Having sucked all the fun out of gorilla suits, Jessie wakes up the whole house. They seem mostly just irritated. They’re so jaded by this point. The disappointing gorilla leads them to the yard. Dan seems quite taken by the contortionist. Well, sure. Anyway, the crazy-ass props are clues to a phrase. The gorilla will gradually cover up clues until only “the most important ones remain”. And by “most important”, they mean “the only ones that are actually clues”. When somebody has an idea, they ring a bell and head to the Diary Room to give their guess. Everybody gets up to three guesses. This is the same challenge they used in All-Stars when George guessed the famous expression “You are expected to expect the unexpected”. Because all the kids are saying that.
The houseguests stare at things and the disappointingly unfunny gorilla hassles them. There are some weird props out there. Jerry rings the bell and guesses “Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”. Well, there is a giant ear, but that’s about it.
Keesha explains how the game works for the third time since it began, qualifying her for the Piers Morgan Lifetime Achievement in Telling Us What We Just Heard Award. Jerry rings the bell again, and everybody laughs at him. He guesses “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
One hour and twenty minutes, they’re still out there. Keesha guesses “Blew It”, because there’s a blueberry, and the letters “IT” on a cracked egg. Apparently she thinks the egg is really just an easel to support those letters. The contortionist leaves, and Dan is sad. Jerry makes his third guess, giving us “A dog is man’s best friend”, and like that, lame gorilla covers up the stuffed dog. Not looking so good for Jerry.
Finally, only two clues are left. The giant blueberry and the cracked “IT” egg. Keesha rings in again with “Don’t count your chickens before your eggs are hatched.” I like Keesha, so I’m letting that one go. Dan goes with “Bury the Hatchet”, and if you’ve watched this show at all, you know that Dan is likely to be right, what with him being the brightest light in this particular constellation. Memphis finally half-asses a guess with “Fruitless Exit”, which even he knows is stupid.
After three hours, the disappointing gorilla finally leaves and makes the fart noise when he passes Jerry, just like he used to. You can see why Jerry was so angry about his eviction. Jessie assures us in the Diary Room that it was “classic”, and then he disappears to be boring and stupid elsewhere. There’s a gorilla hand hanging under Jessie’s picture on the memory wall, just to make it clear to the houseguests. The monitor confirms that Dan won himself a luxury competition. You know, when he didn’t win any competitions for the first half of the game, he really was just pretending to suck. Usually people claim that they’re trying to be look weak because they are bad at winning, but once Dan gave that up, he’s been winning competitions pretty consistently.
In the Diary Room, Dan finds out that he gets a private helicopter trip to a “remote island beach”. He gets to take a guest, but in a neat twist, he can pick either a houseguest or a Jury member. Dan wants to take a Jury member to avoid tension in the house. He picks Unfrozen Caveman Michelle, since she had a trip taken from her already, and he might be able to win her over after backdooring her. (Hee!) Not a bad plan, except that it entails having to spend a day with Michelle. Dan’s a braver man than I.
Out in the yard, he tells the others that he was allowed to choose one of them, but instead of causing conflict, he chose to go alone. He leaves out the whole Jury option. Everybody looks a little stung, but nobody really seems offended. They can all tell themselves that they were Dan’s second choice, after “nobody”. In the Diary Room, Keesha actually says it was a smart move. Jerry suggests that his private beach will be the Jury House. Hee. That was weird and yet partly accurate.
Time to discuss the pointless nominations. Dan and Memphis talk in circles, and decide it’s better to put Memphis on the block so Keesha will not suspect their alliance. That’s actually kind of smart because, again, winning Power of Veto determines who goes home, so there’s not really any danger in being on the block this week. I’m kind of surprised those two put that together, actually.
As happens every week, there’s a montage of everybody talking about whether or not they think they’re nominated. I do think it’s funny that they have to haul around the giant Nomination box for just the one key, though. Couldn’t they downgrade to a Nomination Ziploc? The key is Keesha’s, which pleases her. Memphis and Jerry are on the block.
So we’ve got a big giant Veto competition and Dan and Michelle’s awkward Beach Date to look forward to. Plus, a rare Tuesday appearance of Julie Chen. Truly, this is the Age of Wonders.
TUESDAY
Julie Chen and her studio audience welcome us to the live show. Once again, she’s really popping her ‘t’ when she says ‘veto’. That makes me crazy. She also incorrectly believes that putting Memphis on the block was a “risky move” on Dan’s part. Julie doesn’t know math. Alas, the Chenbot has that in common with Bender. (“Get me a calculator!” “You are a calculator.” “I meant a good one.”)
Keesha is excited not to be nominated and Jerry thinks Dan has betrayed Memphis. None of these people understand math! Damn! Jerry believes he has an in with Memphis now, and Memphis can not even fake an interest. Keesha asks Dan if Memphis knew he was going up, and Dan indicates that he did. What with it being sort of his idea and all.
Dan explains in the Diary Room that the winner of the Veto determines who goes home. Yes! Thank you, Dan! Maybe these people will listen to you. It’s been like banging my head against a brick wall.
Jerry gets all crazy-eyed on Memphis and tells him “You’re my only hope, baby.” Man, everybody breaks out the crazy eyes sooner or later. Later, Dan and Memphis gather in the HoH bedroom to make fun of Jerry. Not enough happened in that paragraph to justify its existence. I apologize for wasting your time.
Julie reminds us that Michelle wants to do Dan “physical harm”. Oh yeah, I totally forgot that rant. Sweet. In the house, Dan readies to leave. He puts on blind guy sunglasses and is led to a car. He takes off the glasses in the car, and he is pleasantly surprised to see that the price of gas has gone down to $3.89. Wow. He says “Good job, America”. Hee. Then he’s on a helicopter, which is seriously cool. He tells us that he’s a little worried about Michelle’s reaction. Michelle flies in on a separate helicopter, and we’re told that she doesn’t know who selected her for the trip. She and Dan hug.
Dan explains that he’s going to show Michelle “Charming Dan”. Part of this charm involves a pre-meal prayer where he thanks the Lord that Michelle isn’t too mad. He also (not during the prayer) refers to wine as “Truth Serum”. Funny, I call it “my medicine.”
They seem to be getting along pretty well, even though Michelle is a little guarded. Dan asks if she hates him. He assures her that Memphis, Keesha, and Renny knew about the backdooring. (Hee!) That seems to make her less upset about it. Dan comes across as really apologetic about the whole thing. Michelle doesn’t know if he has a chance of winning, but she thinks he could beat Memphis. Before the meal is over, Michelle’s already talking about swaying the Jury in his favor. Damn, Michelle is a cheap date.
And now it’s time for the Power of Veto competition. The competition is “Stairway to Veto”. We’ve seen something similar in other years. Each houseguest has a stairway, and on each step are two clues (things like “Won a Veto Competition” and “Ate crickets and pig ears”). They fill in each step with the name of the evicted houseguest about whom both statements are true, and then move to the next step. Dan foolishly thinks he’ll throw this competition so Memphis can win. Dude, counting on Memphis to win is not a good strategy.
Dan tries his best to throw the competition, but he’s still easily in the lead. He’s farting around on the second-to-last step for a good long time, and it takes everybody a while to catch up. Finally, Memphis wins it! Man, these guys are lucky bastards, aren’t they? Every time they had to win a Veto, they did. They’ve done everything they could to screw it up, and still they pulled it off.
Dan and Memphis discuss whether to vote out Keesha or Jerry. They agree that Jerry will be easier to get rid of in the Final Three. Which is probably true, but I like Keesha, so I don’t support their logic. Keesha heads up to be consoled, and their assurances seem to have the opposite effect.
After some soul-searching nail-painting, Keesha comes back to the HoH room, and asks if they’re going to evict her. She’s kind of playful about it, and so are they. It’s all fun and games, right up until the mood turns, and she gets serious. She tells them that whoever sends her home won’t be getting her vote. After she leaves, Memphis comes down to console her. She asks that he tell her if she’s going home, and he gets all quiet and bad-poker-facey. She then asks if he’ll tell her why, and he just says “I’m sorry”. Keesha tears up right here, and it really is sad. She played a good game, and now there’s nothing she can do. It’s a crappy position to be in. She yells at Dan and Memphis and asks how long they’ve been lying to her, and neither of them can even talk. Everybody in the room just feels terrible, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable.
Dan gets all sneaky and takes Keesha aside to tell her that Memphis is the one who wants her to go home, and he’s doing everything he can to keep her. Memphis tells the Diary Room he’s not sure, and this is a tough decision for him. Here’s the thing, Keesha will be harder to beat at Final Three than Jerry, but easier to beat at Final Two. Jerry was a dick to a lot of people, but he was rarely in power, so he didn’t screw anybody over. Everybody else has enemies who will vote against them out of spite. Keesha has a guaranteed two votes against her (April and Ollie – whatever Dan did to him, Ollie’s more whipped than angry). Voting for Jerry would be like voting for “None of the Above”.
Julie brings it back to real-time and we get a montage of gorilla hijinx that would have been way funnier had anybody else been wearing the suit, and it’s revealed that the stupid gorilla was stupid Jessie. Julie makes fun of Memphis’ “Fruitless Exit” competition guess, and how low have you fallen when Chen can bust on you. Jerry talks about being nominated for the fourth time and says nothing interesting. That is not a surprise.
The Veto meeting is live, and Memphis obviously takes himself off the block. Jerry and Keesha each get a chance to stump for votes. Or, you know, vote. Keesha takes the opportunity to thank Dan and wish him luck, rather than talk to Memphis. Hee. Memphis evicts Keesha, earning a dirty look from me. Dan gives her a message (inscribed on the bottom of a rubber duck in the form of a cow) and whispers something to her (twice, since she didn’t hear it the first time), and he ends with “Finish it”. Man, when did this show become Mortal Kombat? After she leaves, Dan yells at Memphis and says “If you think I’m taking you, you’re out of your mind”. I’m pretty sure this is for Jerry’s benefit, but it’s hard to say.
Julie’s first question for Keesha is what Dan whispered to her. Turns out, he told her he took Michelle on the trip. Keesha seems OK with that, but she’s also kind of glazed right now. Also, the bottom of the cow-duck simply says “HOT”. Keesha is pretty mad at Memphis, reminding Julie that she’s the one who turned the votes to keep him in the house way back when.
Memphis’ good-bye video serves only to upset her further. Dan tells her how hard he tried to keep her in the house, and Keesha really seems to respond to that. Keesha assures Julie and America that there are no hard feelings. Good-bye, Keesha! You seemed nice and played a good game, and I will miss you. I hope you do something awful to April in the Jury house!
OK, when we come back, all three houseguests are standing on little biplanes, holding reins in either hand. The planes lift up and shake a little. I have to say, I’d rather be up against Jerry than Keesha here. The winner moves directly to the 3rd round of competitions, the losers compete in another challenge to see who plays against him for the right to pick the Final Two. Dan announces “I ride planes in Dearborn for fun”, which gets an honest laugh from me, and the planes start moving up and down as we fade out to the credits.
All right, hopefully the spoilers will be up soon, because I have no intention of waiting until Thursday to see who stayed on their plane the longest. Myndi will be here to wrap up the season in the awesome fashion to which we’ve become accustomed. I’d just like to thank everybody who took the time to read these things, especially when I desperately tried to make food competitions interesting. Even CBS can’t do that! Hopefully you’ll come back for our next joint recapping venture when Dancing with the Stars begins. Oh, you’ll be there.
