Big Brother

Big Brother 10: Live Eviction Week 4

After reminding us of what we’ve seen (Fights! Man-hugs! Hockey! Cake! Unitard! More fights!) and teasing what is to come (America’s Player casts our vote!), the Chenbot kicks it to new footage, and the promise that we’ll discover “The man they think has all the power is powerless”. That could have been phrased more dramatically. And who do they think has all the power? Bruce Wayne? Dick Cheney? JR “Bob” Dobbs?

Jessie assures us that he’s safe, so “sweet beans”. OK. Memphis tells us that there is no alliance anymore. Well, that’s what happens when they get kicked out one by one. Keesha and Libra hope that April changes her mind about who to eliminate. Well, considering that they represent two out of seven votes, they could make inroads on their own. Hilariously, they complain that all Jessie does is “eat and sleep”. I’m not sure what else they have to do in that house. Man, Garfield would be voted out in an instant!

April Sapien swings by to visit her minions, and Keesha tells the Diary Room that she doesn’t like her. Aww, Keesha and I are total BFF. April persists in the lie that “Memphis is playing this game smarter than anybody”. Really? Screaming at people and watching his alliance dwindle is the work of a genius? Keesha shares her concerns with Memphis, which seems like a brilliant idea. Between the two of them they work out that four is more than three, so we’re getting somewhere.

Out by the pool, Keesha and Dan talk about eliminating Jessie, and then Keesha shares the good news with Libra. Oy. Well, considering that America is casting Dan’s vote, this could go wrong. But America hates Jessie, right? I mean, they have to! Keesha rules out the other possibilities, because Jerry hates Memphis and Ollie is “completely up April’s (censored)”. Please tell me she said “ass”. On second, thought, don’t. Apparently Michelle is in love with Jessie, which I guess I don’t see. But I miss stuff like that more often than not. By the way, to my great disappointment, Keesha is wearing a t-shirt that proclaims her the “Keesh-fest”. No, Keesha! Don’t go the “Jenuine” path!

Keesha brings Memphis into the room that she shares with Libra, and they reveal their plan to save him. Then Dan comes, and they make him promise. Oh, this is making me nervous. Come on America, don’t let me down. Damn, the back of Keesha’s t-shirt says “Keeshdog”, which sounds like it should have a horrifying definition on Urban Dictionary.

April open up to Jerry about the groundswell to get rid of Jessie. They also consider Dan the swing vote. He’s totally the Kevin Costner of the Big Brother house! Jerry chats up Dan in favor of evicting Memphis. Dan acts all shady and suspicious, because dude does not have a poker face. That’s good enough for Jerry, though. So far, the first 12 minutes of air time have been devoted to trying to sway the person who won’t actually vote on his own. Hey, I just now got it – that’s who Julie was talking about! He seems to have all the power, but he is, in fact, powerless. Irony, sweet irony!

Jerry wakes Jessie up from a nap to tell him he’s safe. You know Jessie dreams of a world where everybody is him. Like when John Malkovich went down the Malkovich tube, only with more quads and fewer brain cells.

Outside in the dark alone, Dan actually performs a soliloquy. He wonders who America hates more, Jessie or Memphis. Dan brought a flag to the house, he loves America enough to know that they hate Jessie! He says we have to hook him up after he gave us that 18-second hug. Well, he has a point.

Back from commercial, Julie’s back live! But she immediately kicks it to a montage about Dan and his friends back home. Myndi freaks out at the sight of the “Welcome to Dearborn” sign, and we see Dan’s freshly scrubbed football team watching Big Brother. They applaud his motivational speeches. One of them screams at nobody in particular “That’s how he gets me motivated!”, and I can’t tell if he’s being funny or if he’s actually that guy. They freak out with joy to see that Dan is not nominated, and laugh at the idea of him hugging a man. Strangely, they watch these two separate episodes while wearing the same clothes and in the same viewing positions (and one of the dudes has on what can only be described as short shorts.  WTF?–Myndi).

Next we see Dan’s family. Dan’s sister is kind of hot. His mother isn’t happy that he took the America’s Player position, because people might question him. Hilariously, we see the houseguests actually talking about the possibility that Dan is America’s Player. I imagine Dan walking around the house, occasionally pausing to address America directly, like Bernie Mac.

Now, it seems to me that Dan is in a rough position this week anyway. Sure, we’re picking a side for him, but otherwise he’d have to pick for himself. Either way, he’s alienating three or four people. At least now he has some nation to blame at the finale.

Right off, Julie brings up the skankitard. Michelle assures us that she loves it and hates it and definitely loves it. She also says that she looks great in it. Eh. Julie brings up Keesha’s frightening birthday celebration, complete with the worst rendition of “Happy Birthday” ever. Awww, somebody reads Myndi’s recaps! Come on Julie, post a comment! Keesha assures us that all is not forgotten. In fact, none has been forgotten. Keesha’s got the eye of the tiger!

Julie asks Libra about taking the vacation over the letter from home. You know, I’m not that baffled. I think, in this situation, a letter from home would be fantastically depressing. You mostly get through the days by thinking about them as little as possible, and that letter would just derail you. At least, that’s what I think. Michelle rolls her eyes grandly, which is kind of funny. I just don’t care for this portrayal of Libra as a bad mother because she passed up a letter. She’s a bad mother because she abandoned her kids for the summer, not because she didn’t want to read about them…

Now it’s time for April Sapien’s Head of Household interview. April thinks that Keesha and Libra are still her allies, even though she doesn’t trust them. Well, with allies like that… April talks at length about how she is more awesome than they are. She then rationalizes that Memphis really doesn’t want to be there anyway. Finally, she calls Ollie her “savior”, which, wow.

By the way, Jessie is a “professional bodybuilder”. How do you get paid for that? Is that like being a bearded lady, where people buy tickets?

Julie grants the nominees a chance to speak, and Jessie responds by immediately tugging his pants out of his ass crack. Nice. He tells us that he’s a competitor. Renny, by the way, actually has a pink boa. Crazy lady, party of one… Memphis and his fauxhawk remind people to vote as individuals, rather than as an alliance. So, you know, exactly what Angie said to no avail last week. Remember, this is the guy who’s playing the same smarter than anybody realizes.

Votin’ Time! Michelle votes to evict Memphis. So does Ollie. And Jerry. Libra makes things better by voting to evict Jessie. After those four votes, we go to commercial.

All things considered, I will probably not be seeing Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

We’re back, and Keesha kicks off the second round by voting to evict Jessie. Renny votes to evict him, too. That just leaves Dan. You mean the swing vote is last in the lineup? What an amazing coincidence! And here it comes. Dan catches himself before calling Julie “Mrs. Chen”. She totally hates that, by the way. And America, my country, the Jewel of the Western Hemisphere, the most greatest nation on this orb we like to call Earth, has voted to evict Jessie! I love all of you!

When Dan returns to the living room, a choir of angels follows him. The music swells dramatically and the room is bathed in a glorious light as Jessie is sent home. (Please note, other than Jessie’s eviction, none of that actually happened. But that’s the important part.)

It’s hard to tell who’s more shocked, Jessie or April. Either way, it’s awesome. The live audience erupts into applause. Not because they’re excited to see him, but because they’re happy to get that douche off their TV!

Back to the house for some awkward silence, only somebody is clapping. Not applauding, but trying to bust out a rhythm. I can’t tell who’s doing it, since they pan around and nobody does it on camera. I think it’s the House itself, composing a song about how happy it is to no longer have Jessie in it. Me, I’m going with a haiku.

Twas a four-three vote

That showed Jessie (ass) the door

Man, I hate that guy

Everybody avoids eye contact for long enough to make the cameramen uncomfortable, so we go back to Julie and Jessie. Jessie blames Dan (Wait until he finds out that it was America who double-crossed him. Hey, if we put it to a vote, can we revoke his citizenship?), but says God wants him to do something different. Or maybe He’s just tired of seeing that guy too. Jessie slams Dan for not going to church, because that’s somehow pertinent. Jessie has no regrets. He also says he was going to go after Dan, Keesha, and Libra. So, then they were right to vote you out?

Julie tells Dan that his housemates hated him. She doesn’t phrase it that way, but that’s what she means. They decide to play “Word Association”, where Julie names a houseguest and Jessie says the first word that comes to minds. (When I’m evicted, I will say “boobies” to every single name.) For Jerry, he stares blankly for a long time and them comes up with “in really good shape”. Isn’t it great when somebody lives down to your expectations of them like that? He calls Libra “very deviant”. I assume he means “devious”, or else there’s a lot of stuff we aren’t seeing. Time for good-bye videos!

April says she’ll be shocked if he’s evicted. Michelle says everybody in the house is a bunch of liars. Except for the people who were really quite open about voting him out, I guess. Memphis criticizes him for sleeping too much. Hee. Libra says she’s glad to see him go. Keesha is also glad to see him go, and hopes he gets lots of sleep. And Jessie actually looks really tired on-camera. I had no idea “sleepiness” was one of his defining characteristics. Renny taunts him. Jerry and Ollie don’t make an appearance. With that, Jessie is out of our lives, and everything is just a little bit better. I think gas prices went down as a result.

Leading into the HoH challenge, Julie says that America kept the houseguests up all night. Apparently they had people record late-night wakeup calls. The recordings are not particularly amusing, but I’m cutting America some slack since they were busy voting out Jessie.

You know, I don’t think a sleepless night is the worst thing in the world for people who have nothing to do all day. I’m not sure why everybody’s so irritated. I mean, it would kind of suck to have sounds blaring, but you have to realize that you can nap all day if need be.

The competition is a series of true or false questions based on the wake-up calls. Ooh. That could be kind of tricky. By the way, tired Michelle looks like a caveman. There. I said it.

Everybody gets the first question right. On the second question, Renny and Ollie are out. On the next question, about the difference between a whistle and a bell, everybody but Libra and Michelle gets it wrong! And then, Michelle gets the next question and wins HoH. Well, that’s going to mess some stuff up. April’s so happy you’d think she just found out that doing it under a blanket prevents pregnancy. Everybody who voted to keep Jessie gloats unbecomingly.

After some commercials, we’re back in the Living Room. Michelle announces that she won it for Jessie. Huh. Probably should have won it last week, when it would have done him some good. Memphis tells us that he’s feeling the love, since a majority of people want to keep him. And Jerry, when asked whether Big Brother is tougher than the Armed Forces, assures us that he loves it on the show. He totally does, too.

Julie wonders who (Libra) Michelle (Libra) will (Libra) nominate (Libra). Also, houseguests from every season will challenge the houseguests to a competition. These include Chicken George, Bunky, Amy, Jun, Jase, Janelle, Jen, Mike Boogie, Matt, and Brian. Boy, won’t Myndi be sorry that she doesn’t have to write about Jase and Boogie?  By the way, this is the first time I’ve realized how much Bunky looks like David Cross with back hair.

I’ll see you next week for the return of a bunch of people who would not be my first choice from any given season, and the exciting nominations and veto. I’m going to take a guess that both nominees are going to be Libra.

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