Previously, on Big Brother: Dan committed so deeply to looking weak, that he may actually have given Ollie his firstborn. He then immediately went to work on a several different plots, none of which did him any good. In the end, Dan went and nominated Michelle after the Veto, angering Ollie and Michelle, delighting Memphis and Keesha, earning a look of disinterest from Renny, and probably pissing off Jerry. No real reason, but it doesn’t take much to piss off Jerry.
All right people, make yourselves comfortable, because it’s Double Elimination Night! It’s a whole week of Big Brother in a single hour. It’s best not to think about the physics involved, because your head will explode.
According to the Chenbot, we’re officially calling tonight “Big Brother Fast Forward”. She then tells us Dan has caused chaos in the house and kicks it to a flashback. Why, that’s the opposite of Fast Forward! Once again, we see Dan trying to start fireworks before nominating Michelle. Somehow, Dan thinks he caused enough confusion that there’s no longer a target on his back. Oh, he caused confusion, but not the kind he wanted. Jerry complains about Dan breaking his word, even though said word-breaking probably saved him. Michelle yells at America from the safety of the Diary Room.
Ollie thinks Dan is “a plant”. You mean, somebody selected by an unseen authority? Isn’t that everybody in the house? Does Ollie think Dan’s working for Skynet or something? He decides to call Dan out. Jerry, Ollie, and Michelle head outside to confront Dan, Keesha, and Memphis. Ollie claims to have some interesting stories, and then Michelle yells that one of the pictures in Dan’s room is fake. Huh? So, rather than being a guy who lied to them, suddenly Dan is part of a massive conspiracy?
Ollie explains the deal to everybody, even though they’ve already heard about it. Also, other than Michelle, everybody out there benefited from Dan breaking his deal. Dan just gets up and walks away, which is awesome. Ollie says something about how Dan broke his word to “Monica and his family”? Wait, did he nominate them too?
Once again, Dan talks about causing chaos and walking away. This would be kind of stupid, except that Ollie is still outside yelling to Memphis and Keesha over how Dan was obligated to get them out of the house. I’m not sure if that makes Dan smarter than we thought or not. Actually, I think it makes Ollie dumber than we thought. He’s in a full-on rant about Dan being a plant and a liar. Memphis says “I don’t care – I’m not on the block.” Hee. Keesha says “So, if it were up to you, I’d be on the block?” and Ollie agrees, like he’s happy somebody’s finally getting it.
Ollie calls Memphis a “red-headed cabbage patch kid”, which shocks everybody with its goofiness. Then he heads up to the HoH bedroom to hassle Dan. Ollie is mad because Dan thinks it’s all a game. Well, it is, right? It’s a game called Big Brother. It’s on TV and everything. Ollie’s argument is that Dan is treating the game like a game. Also, Ollie says that Dan embarrassed him in front of millions. Do you think that many people saw the video with the blanket?
Later, Renny comes up to the HoH room with Dan and Memphis. She’s irritated by the drama. Then, on the HoH viewscreen, they watch Ollie walking around the house smashing stuff. He hurls a giant lollipop at the wall and breaks some stuff in the yard, talking to himself the whole time. His parents are very proud.
Michelle come up to the HoH room to complain. Dan tells her that if she yells, he’s tossing her out. Michelle claims she’s the one person in the house who hasn’t screwed Dan. Hmmm. I seem to remember her being one of the people condemning Dan’s immortal soul because he voted Jessie out. In the Diary Room, Michelle complains about getting “backdoored”, and that makes me giggle. She just wishes somebody would be honest enough to tell her that she’s a good player. Yes, she said that. If only somebody had the courage to tell her how great she is!
And now it’s back to Julie, who’s ready to rock the Houseguests’ world. They don’t really react to the Fast Forward news. Either because they already knew, or because they’re just happy that Ollie’s quiet, I can’t say. Jerry makes his case, and he talks about potholes. Michelle takes the weekly “vote for yourself, not the person sitting next to you” trophy. I totally want to put that phrase on a t-shirt.
Voting time! Keesha votes to evict Michelle. For a second, it sounds like she forgot who she was supposed to vote for. Memphis also joins the anti-Michelle bandwagon. Ollie votes to evict Jerry. Renny votes to evict Michelle as well, and that’s that. Julie gives them the news, and we get the Unfrozen Caveman Michelle face one last time, and heads out for her Chenterview.
Michelle uses the time to explain to America that Dan is a plant. She has no good argument to back this up, of course. I like how she says he seems to want to make a fool of everybody else. That would be one of my top goals in the Big Brother House, personally. Michelle seems to think that Dan’s Veto Meeting “fireworks” was actually brilliant strategy. And then Julie comes out and tells her that Dan’s not a plant, and she was “evicted purely by gameplay.” Nice.
Commercials! Hey, we haven’t had the annual “Houseguests get to see a movie and then spend several segments extolling a new release from the Viacom corporation” episode yet. Is it wrong that I kind of miss it?
Time for the Head of Household competition. It’s a game of “Big Brother Headlines”. Viewers voted online as to which Houseguest best fit in to imaginary headlines from the future. This kind of competition is always kind of stupid, but easy to recap. Also, it’s one where they choose their answer by taking a step up or down, and the steps are clearly labeled. Hee. Nice to know they’re using regular “down”. Keesha is totally freaking out, by the way.
Everybody but Renny gets the first question right, and Renny walks away. Hee. She thought it was one of those elimination competitions. Julie does not react well to unplanned events, so she just stammers until Dan points Renny in the right direction. After five questions, Memphis has one point, Jerry has four, and the others are tied at three.
Keesha and Jerry get the next question, putting them in the lead with four and five, respectively. Keesha gets the last question right, something about her ability to beat Jessie in arm-wrestling. That means Jerry and Keesha go to the tie-breaker. I’m totally rooting for Keesha here. Once again, Renny wanders away from the stairs. I think she’s off her meds.
Julie asks how many total giant lollipops were displayed on the table. Price is Right Rules, closest without going over wins. They both say “100”, so it’s another question. Total up the winning times from all three heats of the last Veto. How many seconds total? Jerry guesses 320, Keesha guesses 500. The correct answer is more than 1000, and Keesha wins! Curiously, she was working out the math on her board to figure out an answer, and if she’d actually finished her multiplication, she would have been really close to the correct answer. Still, being the least far away is the same thing as being closest, I always say.
Time for Keesha to nominate two people. By the way, and I don’t want to be that guy, but Keesha has giant boobs tonight. There, I said it. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s worthy of comment. She nominates Jerry and Ollie, neither of whom seem surprised. The studio audience laughs at something we can’t see, which irritates me. Share with the class!
Julie throws us to commercial before the Power of Veto competition. Well, sure. We had like two whole minutes of content there.
When we come back, Julie is really overpronouncing the “t” in “Veto”. Maybe she always does that, but since she doesn’t usually appear on the Veto episodes, nobody notices. I don’t know, but it’s driving me crazy.
Everybody has a haystack containing two Veto Medallions. They have to find them and bring them back, one at a time. First one wins. Not the most inspiring of competitions, but this is Fast Forward! We don’t have time for lollygagging!
Dan springs to an early lead. Jerry and Ollie dawdle to an early, I don’t know, opposite of lead. Dan and Memphis both find their second Veto before either of the nominees finds their first. Dan wins by a hair, or so we’re told. Memphis’ station isn’t actually on camera. Still, I have no reason to believe that they lied to me.
And now, it’s another commercial break while sad Ollie sulks. Will Dan save a nominee and get one of his alliance put on the block? You know, that shouldn’t be a question we have to ask, but this week taught us some things about how Dan’s mind works.
When we come back, Keesha and Jerry are laughing about how they had the same answer for the first tie-breaker question. Everybody’s breathing heavily, probably because of all the sprinting through hay. Still, it sounds like a porno in there.
Jerry and Ollie get a chance to plead their case, so Jerry makes his second “I want to stay” speech of the night. Ollie doesn’t even try, because he knows Dan’s not bailing him out. Dan chooses not to use the Veto, which takes us to… another freaking commercial break!
Damn you, CBS! Do not try to get me to watch Jay Mohr’s new show! I watched Action, and this, my friends, is no Action.
We’re back, and it’s time to vote. Dan’s first up, and even the Fast Forward doesn’t stop him from tossing out a “Miss Julie”. He votes to evict Ollie. Renny votes to evict Ollie, and just like that, it’s official. Memphis also votes against Ollie, leading us to another unanimous decision. Ollie gets up and heads for the door before Julie makes the announcement, and he leaves with only a “Good luck” for the other houseguests.
Jerry seems pretty happy. Well, he did avoid eviction twice in one night. Dan stares at the wall, waiting for Ollie’s picture to go gray. That’s probably what I would do, too. Jerry is already trying to get into the alliance, which is pretty funny. Why not have a five-person alliance in a house of five?
Did you ever imagine Renny and Jerry would make the final five? And that I’d like Dan? Seriously, I thought Renny was going to be out in the first two weeks, and Jerry shortly thereafter.
In his Chenterview, Ollie is mad. He’s frustrated that he didn’t compete as well as he wanted. What he means is “Holy crap, I really suck at challenges.” He also says he’s not angry with Dan, except for all the yelling and breaking stuff. He still claims to be confused by Dan’s decision and doesn’t think it will get him farther in the game. Huh. Even after finding out that Dan’s four-person alliance made it to the final five and they took out Ollie and Michelle in a single night? Dude, I’d say he made a really good decision. The two people who are mad at him are gone! Ollie really thinks that people are going to be offended on his behalf that Dan didn’t kick them out instead.
Aww, Ollie’s off to join April in the Jury House. On behalf of Libra, eeeeeewwwww! Man, poor Libra. Ollie, Michelle, and April. That is not a fun group of housemates.
And that’s it for Big Brother Fast Forward! What can we expect next week? Who knows? I just lived a week in an hour, and I think that means I missed Labor Day. Crap. I was going to a barbecue and everything…
Enjoy your holiday weekend! We’ll be back next week for all the craziness as everybody turns on each other.
