Oh, and then Renny falls as she tries to readjust herself in an attempt to improve her circulation. Oops!
DRAMA ensues as April and Michelle negotiate for the HOH. Michelle seems most vulnerable, and April pounces, promising not to put either Michelle or Jessie up. Honestly, this is all a little too dramatic for Big Brother. They’re all acting as if they’re negotiating for hostages or something. Jessie is practically in tears, and compares watching Michelle struggle to witnessing someone you love get beat down and not being able to stop it. Eventually, Michelle collapses in a heap and April follows seconds later. It’s been about two and half hours, so they’re both in real pain. And it’s totally ridiculous.
Upon seeing all her pictures in the HOH room, April is thrilled, and curls up alone to read a letter from her pregnant twin sister. Michelle is bummed. But, really, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, folks.
Keesha, since she’s not in a precarious position with her alliance at the moment, decides she’ll fix that by making a big show of hanging out with Memphis all of a sudden. This upsets Renny and April, while Keesha DRs that she should have put up April last week. Nobody puts Keesha in a corner!
Aw, remember the dopey “America’s Player” music that used to follow Eric everywhere in Season 8? Well, it’s making a brief comeback this week with Dan. He’s told to get Jessie nominated. He figures this will be pretty easy. Only when he goes to talk to April about it, he does it in such a random, dorky way that it seems fishy to her. So much so, that April posits to Keesha and Libra that Dan is America’s Player! D’oh! Say what you want about Eric, but he never almost got himself nominated for simply bringing someone else up for nomination.
And, then the nominations. To no one’s surprise, Memphis and Jessie are nominated. Jessie whines in the DR, but is still confident he’s not the target. Memphis could actually be a block of wood, for all the excitement he shows. Did they run out of coffee?
Now, for the comedy gold we’ll call Tuesday’s Episode. This hour is the definition of “you can’t write this stuff!” Allow me to attempt to paint you a picture.
Jessie hugs April directly following nominations and tells her he understands. He says it’s an honor to be nominated three of the four weeks. Memphis says “shocker!” in the DR, regarding his nomination. Michelle reminds us that the supposed pawn often goes home, so she’s concerned about Jessie. April reaffirms that she’s targeting Memphis and she and Ollie pow-wow with Jessie about something involving the word “respect”. As usual.
Now, we have our first comedy vignette of the evening, as Dan, for the good of the country, must get Jessie to hug him for ten seconds. He laughs uncomfortably in the DR. His idea to elicit the hug is to give Jessie a sob story about his girlfriend, figuring Jessie will comfort him. You can almost see Dan squeezing tears from his eyes as he asks Jessie, “If I get out and she’s not there, what’s the point of even winning?” It’s hilarious, and it makes Josh from last season look like Sir Lawrence Olivier. But, since Dan is talking to Jessie, who lives to share his awesomeness with others, he gets many reassurances and a seventeen second hug. He asks Jessie for a few seconds to collect himself, and looks up at the camera, laughing.
It’s time to pick players for the veto. April selects Michelle, Jessie gets Libra, and Memphis gets Jerry. The producers must piddle a bit when the draw works out so that each player’s nemesis gets picked to play veto. April can barely make it all the way back to her room before she starts complaining about Libra being lousy at competitions and saying she always has an excuse. Pot, kettle, black. She bitches to Dan (who is essentially a fly on the wall), Ollie and Keesha. Libra and Renny show up and April switches gears to rip on Jerry, saying he’ll only do well if it’s a “picking your nose competition”. She makes a face as Libra says she’ll try her best, and actually complains about Libra sucking to her face. What good does that do, April? Libra, who is hurt, gets super-defensive and then just leaves. I can’t say I blame her. Keesha heads downstairs, and the two commiserate about April. Apparently, she’s Rizzo and they are, like, Frenchy and Marty, and have to prove themselves to the head of the Pink Ladies constantly, yet she still doesn’t trust them! I believe there was foot stomping. Jessie, who is “napping”, runs as fast as he can up to tattle to April. He may annoy the crap out of me, but he’s a good shit stirrer. While Jessie celebrates in the DR, April vows that her temper will come out.
Despite that statement, April is calm as can be when she enters the bedroom and confronts the girls. And then, all hell breaks loose. When April brushes off Keesha and Memphis-gate (“I’ll deal with you later.”) to focus on Libra, Keesha leaves in a huff. She’s all “who does she think she’s talking to?” out in the kitchen as Renny and Michelle watch her melt down. As Libra and April screech away, Memphis makes little comments out in the living room, and Renny runs in to remind them that all this infighting is just what the other group wants. Pressed for the name of who told on them, April admits it was Jessie. Jerry (who, evidently, is now being referred to as “The Colonel”) appears all of a sudden to report Memphis is making jokes about them fighting. He tells Libra to “shut up”, which makes Renny lose it. In a way, it’s like watching Ralph and Alice Kramden. Those two will not be hanging out when this is over.
Ollie pops in to remind them all that there’s cake for Keesha’s birthday in the kitchen, which, incidentally, looks as if it was made by a middle school home ec class. Were there budget cuts, CBS? Jessie and Libra are now in a huge row, shouting things at each other like “conversation over”, but Jessie’s about a bazillion times calmer than Libra, who, I will say again, is probably a hormonal mess. I am allowed to say this because I have had two children and been just like this. Thankfully, no one was filming me. Finally, there’s enough of a break in the shouting to gather everyone to sing Happy Birthday to poor Keesha. It’s pretty much the most awkward rendition of Happy Birthday since the song was written. It even beats some of the ones we’ve done in my office, and those of you who I work with know we can turn that thing into a funeral dirge if we try.
Before a slice of cake can even be cut, Michelle injects herself into things, at which point Keesha starts squeaking about Jessie and eventually gives him the finger. During all of this, Dan is reading on the couch, which is just adorable.
Now, onto the actual POV competition, which Jessie has once again promised to dominate. It’s a version of street hockey, but the goal is divided into numbered slots, with the veto symbol as the center slot. In each round, the person to be furthest from the center is eliminated. But, this is also the game with the Yankee Swamp component, wherein each person gets a prize as they exit and each subsequent person can take any of the other prizes already revealed instead of keeping what they pick. I kind of miss Creed and Dwight right now.
After everyone shoots decently in round one, Memphis gets up and intentionally swings wide, missing the goal completely. He’s out. His prize? The veto! In round two, Michelle biffs, and also misses the net, but it really seems like she tried, plus she didn’t say she threw it in the DR. Her prize is a trip to Hawaii. She keeps it, since she figures someone else can take the veto from Memphis, which would end up being taken from her, too.
In round three, Jessie ends up farthest away and in the DR, relates the competition to miniature golf. He explains that he does not golf because his back is too big. Well, that’s a new one! I mean, my boobs get in the way when I try to shoot, but I never thought the size of your back could impact your golf game. John Daly does alright, doesn’t he? Jessie’s prize is the “Slop surprise”, which he of course trades to Memphis for the veto.
We head to round four and April is left with–well, would you look at that!–Jerry and Libra, who’ve been consistently good each round so far. Guess who’s out? April! I bet she feels just a little silly, don’t you? Her prize, which she elects to keep, is $10,000 in ten one thousand dollar gold bars, that she may use as she wishes.
In the final round, Libra hits the veto slot, which has to feel darn good given how April was ripping on her, and wins the game. Jerry’s prize is a letter from home, which he trades for the veto after quickly agreeing to split the 10K three ways with April and Libra. Libra’s prize, by the way, is the used red unitard which Jen (BB8) and Sheila (BB9) wore for one week each, and the sentence is the same. Knowing that her group’s all set on the veto, she opts to trade Michelle the skankitard for Hawaii. Michelle is PISSED. Memphis finds out the “slop surprise” is actually a slop pass, but that he also has to put someone on slop. He goes for his old pal Jerry, of course.
In the DR, Jessie says something about how he likes to “stand up for the little people” which sounds like something Chelsea Handlerwould say. I’m not sure who he means. Michelle has gone from mildly pissed to livid. She can’t believe Libra didn’t want the letter from home and calls her a “whore, slut, skank” Jessie tries to rally Michelle by telling her that if she wins the game, she can “buy Hawaii”. Jessie, Hawaii’s hardly on the clearance rack. I don’t think $250K after taxes will cover it. In the DR, Michelle says she came here to play a game, not be made a fool of. Um, has Michelle ever seen Big Brother?
She spirals further into a funk as she showers and changes into the skankitard, which probably walked around the house itself, checking out the redecoration since it was there last time. That thing could tell some stories, huh? She exits the bathroom and Jessie points out that her “ass looks really good” in the skankitard, which is priceless. Plucky music plays as Jessie consoles Michelle, who has curled up in bed, despite her fabulous ass.
At the POV ceremony, Michelle is now all gangsta in her bandanna and off the shoulder skankitard. The guys go through the motions of asking Jerry to take them off the block, but both know nothing is changing. Of course, the nominations stay the same. in the DR, Jessie is still sure he’s staying (which he deems “a sweet cookie to eat”), but Libra says she wants him out and will try to get her group to vote that way. I wonder if the fact that Dan’s voting as America wants this week will affect anything. Mostly, I hope it doesn’t affect Dan’s game, which has suddenly become a pretty good one. Yes, you read that ight, I’m starting to like Dan a little. Dammit.
See you Friday, when EJ will recap the live elimination!
